Hidden Moon
by WitchyVampireGirl
Summary: This is Edward's side of the story in New Moon. Please join him as we hear about his love, joy, pain and heartache.
1. Ch1 Preparations

**A/N: I do not own Twilight or anything else in this amazing world- we all know who does. Enjoy my attempt to explain Edward's story. Please review.**

In the quiet stillness of her room, it is hard for my mind to not wander. But for the first time, in my very long existence, they are peaceful thoughts. School had only been in session for a few short weeks, and while I find it tedious, it is made bearable due to the wonderful woman asleep beside me. I brushed a few strands of her auburn hair from her face and trailed my fingers along her cheekbone. Even in her sleep, her body elicited a slight shiver from my chilly fingers. She nestled closer to me, stirring up her familiar scent of freesia and lavender. It caused a slight ache in my throat, but I managed it easily.

Even the past summer was enjoyable. Being a vampire and one that throws freakish rainbows in the sun, summers can be the bane of me and my family's existence. Living in Forks, Washington, which boasts being the most sunless place in the United States, we get the chance at a semi-normal life. But summers are meant for sun and so I don't usually look forward to them. Yet, by some miracle, this summer was perfect. It could have been that it was the rainiest one ever recorded, but I knew it had to do with Bella.

Being able to spend all day and then all night, of course only after her dad, Charlie went to bed, with her; it was my idea of heaven. The only blemish was Bella's ridiculous idea that she needed to work. She ended up with a job at Newton's Outfitters, which only made Mike Newton deliriously excited. He had the delusional notion that being able to spend time with Bella, alone without me, would give him time to put the moves on her. I can't tell you how many times, as I picked Bella up, his thoughts were bordering on insane. Even after all the time that Bella and I were together, he thought he had a chance with her. Even though I knew he deserved no girl of his own, I found myself wishing he didn't break up with Jessica. At least then his thoughts didn't revolve around Bella.

Several times I tried to persuade her from working, there was no need, I could give her whatever she wanted. I wanted to give her everything, but leave it to Bella to ask for the impossible. She did not want my money; in fact she was strongly opposed to it. She has some absurd idea that my giving her money throws us out of balance. She regards me much more highly than I deserve. I was the unworthy one. No, Bella wanted the one thing I can never bring myself to give her; immortality.

At various points in the last few months, we had several discussions of Bella becoming a vampire. Actually, it was more her pleading her case and me adamantly arguing against the idea. She thinks it is what she wants, she makes it seem like she understands the ramifications of her choice. But, I know better than anyone what the consequences entail. I have had over eighty years to think about what happened to me, and I still struggle with it.

I long since forgave Carlisle for what he did; I understood that it was loneliness that prompted him to make his decision. He had been wondering this earth for close to two hundred and fifty years and desired a companion above all else. My illness and impending death provided him with an opportunity that he could not overlook. The guilt that Carlisle felt after wards was immense. But, over time, he reconciled himself to his choice and never looked back.

To say that I never thought of Bella as a vampire would be a lie. Like Carlisle, I have my selfish side, especially when it comes to her. To keep her with me for all eternity, well, it would make my heart pound if it still could beat. But how could I be _that _selfish, to want to take Bella's soul so I did not have to be alone? The thought alone makes me cringe. Bella deserves so much more; more than an existence as a vampire, forever in shadows, more than me.

Not wanting to dwell on something I was bound and determined would never happen, I turned towards Bella. She was sleeping peacefully and curled up next to me. Watching her sleep was fascinating. The expressions of contentment and serenity made me jealous. I wanted to sleep, to have a chance at tranquility, to dream of her. Instead, I was resigned to just watching her. There were benefits however, for Bella talked in her sleep. These unconscious mutterings give me a glimpse into her otherwise silent mind. I learned what she was concerned about, what she was dreaming about, but mostly, I counted the times she said my name. After all these months of watching her sleep, I still get a thrill when my name is murmured.

Bella had been quiet for some time, so I turned my thoughts towards later today. It was her birthday, her eighteenth to be exact. I knew she didn't want a fuss made about her birthday, in fact deep down I knew it was a day Bella dreaded. She has an issue with the idea that she would be older than me, which I find laughable. I may have been seventeen at the time of my change, but now I was close to a hundred and ten years old. It was this imaginary issue she had with age that fueled her desire to be changed.

However, I want to celebrate her birthday and acknowledge it for the special occasion it is. I do _not_ want my interference in her life to take away from any of the normal human things she should get to experience. I began to hum 'Happy Birthday', knowing I would not be able to do it when she was awake. When I finished, I transitioned into the lullaby I wrote, letting the soothing melody wash over me. The intricate notes swelled and quieted, painting the image of a sleeping girl. It was my homage to all the nights I spent watching her sleep.

As the last notes sounded, inspiration struck. I had been struggling with an idea for Bella's present. I desperately wanted to give her something, but any amount of money I spent would upset Bella. That seriously reduced the list of potential gifts she would graciously accept. But if I gave her a gift that cost nothing, she couldn't get too upset.

Knowing I needed some time to put her gift together, get ready for school, and check in with Alice, I reluctantly decided to leave Bella for the night. Giving her one last kiss on the forehead, I whispered my love to her and leapt out her window.

Excited by the prospect of knowing what I was giving Bella, I ran full speed to my house. I expected to hear Alice, fully immersed in plans for Bella's birthday party later tonight, that it took me a second to comprehend that I was hearing Rosalie.

_A birthday party? Really? For a human? Ugh! I can see why Alice is thrilled, but even Emmett is excited. We were having such a wonderful time in Africa. _Disgust and disbelief colored Rosalie's thoughts. If it was up to me, she would have stayed in Africa. But when Alice told Emmett she was having a party for Bella he wanted to be there. He found Bella and her clumsiness hilarious. Rosalie, on the other hand, found Bella to be a complication to her perfect existence.

While the jealously of me preferring Bella to her wasn't as prevalent in her thoughts, she still wondered what drew me to Bella. She did not find her attractive, feeling her perfect looks were preferable. The fact that Bella knew our family's secret also upset Rosalie. But, deep down, I knew Rosalie was jealous that Bella was human. Out of all my siblings, Rosalie was the one who do anything, give up anything just to become human again.

I dismissed Rosalie as I walked up the porch stairs and into the front room of the house. The sight that greeted me stopped me cold. Instead of the normal living room setup, the sofa was pushed against one wall and a table was in its place. The table was covered in a cream table cloth and huge glass bowls were set on each end. The bowls were filled with a multitude of pink flowers and their scent filled the room. Unlit pink candles of various sizes and shapes were also on the table.

_That's perfect! With the cake in the center and the presents, it will look gorgeous. I think I should continue with more candles and flowers throughout the room. Maybe even carry it outside? _Alice closed her eyes to see how it would look with more decorations on the porch. As she made different decisions, the visions changed giving Alice a chance to see the completed look. She settled on one that would place the table directly in Bella's line of sight as she entered the room.

"Jazz, Em..I need your help!" Alice trilled with excitement. When my brothers entered the room, she directed them where to move the table. "It needs to be centered right here." She watched them with a critical eye.

I shook my head in dismay; this was out of control, even for Alice. "Even if she doesn't see it right away, she will not like this. It's too much. And pink, really?" I was teasing her, unable to hide my amusement at Alice's joy. "You know, she already made me promise I would not acknowledge her birthday."

Sticking her tongue out at me she replied, "That was your fault; I made no such promises to her. Besides, everyone loves a good party and Bella's birthday is something to celebrate!" Alice flitted out of the room to cut more roses before I could protest anymore.

Jasper chuckled at Alice, he knew she would get her way and wondered why I even bothered to argue. "You're not helping at all Jasper," I chastised.

"I'm not the one trying to fight against the inevitable." He tried, but was unable to keep the smirk off his face. I ignored him as I turned towards Emmett who was laughing to himself.

"Aww, he's just a bit sensitive that his girlfriend is older than him now."

"Seriously, Emmett? Could you _be _any more childish?" I rolled my eyes trying to convey my unspoken thoughts that he just grow up. He may have been older than me when he was changed, but he can be so juvenile at times.

"Sounds like I was right. Don't worry Ed, my man, dating older chicks is all the rage now." Seeing my utter distain for his crass remarks, he sped out of the room before I could get to him.

"Don't think I'll forget this, Em. I am just biding my time." His echoing laugh told me he had heard and he was looking forward to any possible rematch between us.

Turning towards the piano, I sat down and ran my hands up the keys listening to its perfect tuning. Taking a few deep breaths to calm and center myself, I began to play. The music filled the room, with sweeping crescendos and soft melodies. I pour all of who I am into my music; my love, needs, wants, desires, and fears. The stories that I weave into all my compositions played out in my mind. Soon I was lost in the stories and the music, forgetting all else that was going on around me.

It wasn't until I heard the thoughts of my parents that I realized that anyone else was in the room with me.

_Listen to how he is playing, it's breathtaking. He plays with such joy when he plays for Bella. She is so good for him. _The obvious joy and pleasure in Esme's thoughts would have made me blush if I was capable. She has always been very supportive of my relationship with Bella. She worried that I may never find someone to love.

_He is content, and happy, my son has found his mate at last. _

Carlisle's words surprised me. He considered Bella my mate? Is that what I wanted her to be? Images I had seen of Bella from Alice's visions flashed; Bella in a gauzy white dress, being walked down the aisle by Charlie, an exchange of rings. My breathing sped up as I replayed them over and over, realizing that I did want to marry her; I wanted her as mine forever.

I ended the lullaby and Esme came to sit by me, her smile illuminated her face. She enjoyed when I played and encouraged me to do so often. She was so much like a real mother in those moments. Continuing with making Bella's gift, I played the composition I wrote as a tribute to the love she shares with Carlisle.

In my peripheral vision, I watched as they danced slowly, becoming lost in the music. Seeing Carlisle hold his wife closely and with such tenderness as they spun in slow intricate circles made me smile. Memories of holding Bella close at our prom last spring as we danced weaved through my mind as the song continued. I closed my eyes and allowed the music to take control, filling my spirit.

_Thank you, for playing our song. I love it. _Esme kissed the top of my head and Carlisle patted my shoulder as the song ended on a sweet note. I nodded my thanks and continued to play. Towards the end, Alice came to add her lilting voice as she provided wordless vocals to the last few songs. She was the only person who was able to join with me musically. The final few notes hung in the air as the last song came to an end. I placed a soft kiss on Alice's cheek. "Thanks, it was the perfect addition."

Grabbing the disc, Alice commanded, "I'll wrap it and you can go get ready for school." Flashing Alice the smile I knew Bella loved, I raced to my room to change and met Alice at the car.

I lifted my eyes when I saw she had the CD in her hands, "Do you honestly think she will allow you to give that her, in front of everyone?" We piled into my car and Alice flashed her own dazzling smile.

"I can be very persuasive, don't you worry."

But I did worry, a lot. Bella had been dreading this day all summer long. I was bound and determined to make it the best birthday she ever had. When arrived in the school parking lot, I parked my car and waited with Alice for Bella to arrive.

We both heard the truck before we saw it. _She really needs a new car Edward. _That_ should have been her present from you. _I fought back a smile at Alice's musing for I tried several times this summer to convince her to let me get her a new car. Each time she vehemently protested. One day that rusty truck would keel over and die. Then maybe I could get her a better, faster, safer car.

We watched as Bella pulled in the lot and parked a few spaces down from us. Alice was bouncing in place and I knew Bella would notice. "Calm down Alice, wait till she gets to us," I muttered under my breath, "and hide the gift." But I was too late, for Alice bounded over towards Bella with the gift clearly in her hand. The scowl etched on Bella's face told me I was right, she saw the gift and was not happy.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" hissed Bella. I had to chuckle as she made sure no one heard Alice. Bella really did not want anyone to know it was her birthday. Maybe getting her to the party would be more difficult than I imagined.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" Alice asked as they slowly walked over to where I stood. I kept my eyes on Bella, anxious to see how she would react.

"No presents," mumbled Bella.

_Gee, why so glum? A birthday is a happy event. _"Okay…later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

Bella winced and sighed as she was reminded of her parent's gifts. Alice had seen them a few weeks earlier and mentioned them to me as she planned for the party.

"Yeah. They're great."

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience."

"How many times have _you _been a senior?"

"That's different." _Yet, if the future holds true, she will have many other senior years. _Images of Bella cold and hard as marble with blood red eyes flew through Alice's mind. I was too familiar with these images. While I dreaded them, anxious to keep them from coming true, Alice relished them. She was eager to play them for me as a way to say nothing I have done has changed this future.

I hissed too low for anyone but Alice to hear, stopping her train of thought. I will never let Bella become what I am; she deserves so much better and I would strive to make sure she stayed human. It seemed I was fighting an uphill battle to keep Bella human.

As they drew closer, I reached out automatically for her hand and reveled in her warmth. A feeling of relief coursed through me as we touched. Bella seemed to like that as well for she eagerly grasped my hand. Squeezing her hand gently, I stared into her warm brown eyes, listening as her heart picked up in tempo.

Without thinking, I traced her lips with my finger feeling her gentle breath wash over my hand, "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?" I continued to stare into her eyes, hoping to dazzle her into letting me celebrate her birthday.

"Yes. That is correct." She sounded so serious.

I sighed inwardly; why did she need to be so difficult? "Just checking. You _might _have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts." But when was Bella ever like most people? If she was, she wouldn't be standing here with me.

Alice chimed in laughing, "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?" But Bella was selfless, she didn't need to get her way, she much preferred to have others in the spotlight. I knew that Alice's rhetorical question would bother her. Again I was rewarded with another furrow of her brow.

"Getting older," she replied shakily. This troubled me; Bella had some strange ideas about getting old, or more to the point older than me. I tried not to show my displeasure, but I failed; my lips tightened.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice tried to soothe her, "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

Bracing myself for Bella's irritated response, I was not disappointed as she mumbled, "It's older than Edward." I couldn't help the sigh that escaped. Would she ever get over this nonexistent age issue she had created? I feared not.

"Technically," Alice replied, she tried to make light of the situation, "Just by one little year though." I rolled my eyes at Alice to get her off the subject of age; once Bella got fixated on something, it was nearly impossible to change her mind. "What time will you be at the house?" Alice asked finally getting my hint.

Bella looked confused for a moment, but then suspicion crept into her eyes. "I didn't know I had plans to be there."

'Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice complained with narrowed eyes. I could tell Alice was gearing up for a major guilt trip. "You aren't going to ruin all our little fun like that are you?"

Not to be out done, Bella challenged Alice, "I thought my birthday was about what _I _want."

I stepped in to diffuse the situation before Alice could steam-roll Bella into compliance. I tried to be a bit gentler. "I'll get her from Charlie's right after school." I glared at Alice, warning her not to push so hard.

"I have to work," protested Bella.

"You don't, actually," Alice replied with a satisfied smile. She always planned ahead. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'" _Don't worry Edward, she will eventually agree. _She played for me a vision where Bella would finally agree. Yet, I wondered if Alice even noticed the unhappy crease between Bella's eyes. She did not want this party, not in the slightest.

Bella's eyes were wide and she was beginning to panic, "I-I still can't come over. I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet _yet for English."

Alice and I knew she was grasping at any excuse to not have a party. Before I could calm her nerves, Alice snorted, "You have _Romeo and Juliet _memorized"

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it- that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes; that was not going to stop Alice or I for that matter in making sure she never missed out on any human experiences especially with Alice being partial to the ones where she gets to throw a party.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice's eyes narrowed in on Bella, she just didn't understand how Bella could be so stubborn. _Edward, there is no way she is going to back out of this, I am just giving you fair warning._

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best." Her voice came out whiney; she really did not want a party.

_That's it; she's tested the last of my patience. _"This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other-"

I interjected before Alice did or said something she would regret. Plus, Bella was still in panic mode, and I did not want her to be unhappy, I wanted to see her smile instead.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." I could tell that Bella felt I was coming to her rescue, especially when she said, "So, there."

"I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up." Bella would protest, but I knew I could change her mind.

Alice laughed with glee, "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." Smiling brightly, she kissed Bella on the cheek and skipped towards her class. _Thanks, Edward. She will have fun; I will make sure of it. _I chuckled so only Alice could hear.

"Edward, please-"begged Bella, but I silenced her with a finger to her lips. We needed to get to class and it could take hours to calm her down. "Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

Always the responsible one, I knew Bella would not want to shirk her duty to go to class. We walked hand in hand towards our first period room. I pulled a few of my charming tricks and was able to secure us almost identical class schedules. Now, unlike last year, I got to spend all day long with her, watching her. It made high school much more bearable. Throughout the day I watched to see if Bella would finally relax and just go with the flow. Finally, by lunch time, I think she was able to do just that.

Planning ahead to keep her from finding an escape route, I walked Bella to her truck at the end of the day. When we reached the decrepit truck, I opened the passenger door, telling her I was coming home with her and there was no way she could back out of the party. But I had to fight a smile when she just looked at me with her arms crossed. There's my little tiger kitten.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?"

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." I still fought the smile; she could be so stubborn. Good thing I was more obstinate.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…"

"All right." Not wanting to fight over something this trivial, I closed the passenger door and opened the driver's side, "Happy Birthday." There, I finally said it.

"Shh," she sighed and climbed on in. She had to know I was not going to give in so easily.

I hated her truck; it was old, rusty, went about twenty miles per hour and had a horrible radio. I couldn't help but shake my head; if only she would let me get her a nice car. I tried not to dwell on that as I desperately looked for any sort of radio signal.

"Your radio has horrible reception." Good thing that could be easily remedied, and soon.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car," she retorted. I was miffed that she would take her anger out on me, it was so unlike Bella, but then at the same time, she was my tiger kitten, all fur, no fight. I fought a smile as we pulled up in front of her house.

As she turned off the car, I reached over and held her delicate face in my hands. I could feel her warmth radiate into my hands and down my arms. The feel of her warm soft skin, it was pure bliss. I whispered gently," You should be in a good mood, today of all days." I heard her breathing hitch as my icy breath caressed her face.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" Her eyes were slightly unfocused and her heart continued to beat out an uneven rhythm.

I stared in to her liquid chocolate eyes, feeling as if I was looking into her soul, "Too bad." Ever so gently and cautiously I leaned over and pressed my cold marble lips to her warm yielding ones. Electricity flew between us as we kissed. Our mouths moved in harmony. The taste and feel of her lips on mine was not a feeling I would ever get used to. Her warm breath caressed my face and she gasped for air between kisses. The scent of freesia grew in intensity, my throat burned.

But Bella being Bella, she let her hormones get the better of her and threw her arms around me pulling me closer. Suddenly she became much more forceful, trying to meld our lips together. As was common at times like this, she had stopped breathing. Grinning, I pulled away from her face and unwound her arms from around my neck.

"Be good, please," I whispered against her cheek. Every time she threw herself into our kisses, it was increasingly difficult to remember why we should stop. Bella had no idea how tempting she was to me.

I watched as she placed her hand over her thudding heart, a sign that she desired me and my kisses, and one that I would never tire of. "Do you think I'll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not." The steady beat of her heart was such a significant sound to me. It was one of the few ways I truly knew how she felt, since her mind remained silent to me. Hearing her reactions to my kisses, to my very presence, was music to my ears.

For some reason, she rolled her eyes at me, "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

**A/N: What do you think?**


	2. Ch2 Joy to Horror

**A/N: Once again...I do not own Twilight or anything to do with Twilight... Enjoy!**

Sitting on the couch I watched as Bella got the movie ready and fast-forwarded through the credits. She sat down next to me, but that would not do. I gently wrapped my arms around her and pulled her down to me. I wrapped her in the afghan that hung on the back of the couch to keep her from getting too cold. Even though she never complained about my icy skin, it bothered me that I was cold.

There have been so many times over the last six months where I wished I was warm like her, to feel as soft and pliable as she does. I hated the inhumanness of my icy hard skin. Concentrating on the present, I buried my face into her hair. The unique scent of strawberry and freesia assaulted my senses. The fire in my throat flared and venom pooled in my mouth. This is what I was fighting to keep, the burn in my body that reminded me that Bella was still human.

Feeling Bella relax in my embrace, I turned my attention towards the movie. "You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I commented as the opening act came on the screen. Knowing that Bella liked Romeo, she would feel need to respond.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" she questioned defensively.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline- don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And, then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not brilliant." To say the least, Romeo just seemed to dig himself an ever expanding hole, no wonder he died. "Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"

Personally I was trying to keep my happiness for as long as possible, for it was tied directly into this amazing woman in my arms. Treasuring each moment as they happened, something I felt Romeo never did.

Bella sighed as I attacked Romeo, "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." I began to trail my fingers lightly on her arms, watching as I left goose bumps in my wake. "Will you cry?" I asked, knowing that deep down, Bella was a bit of a romantic.

"Probably, if I am paying attention."

"I won't distract you then." Or at least not too much, I couldn't stop myself from kissing her hair and trailing my fingers over her arms. Soon enough, though, Bella was engrossed in the movie and I began to recite Romeo's lines to her, putting all the passion and desire I had for her in each and every word.

As Juliet awoke and found her dead Romeo, I noticed the silent tears sliding down her face; gently I dried them with her hair. "I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I whispered.

"She's very pretty." I tried not to scoff at Bella's obvious concern that I found the actress playing Juliet remotely beautiful. Compared to Bella, she was rather plain. Bella was the essence of beauty and love and she was mine. How lucky could I get?

"I don't envy him the _girl_- just the ease of the suicide." I made certain Bella understood; it was her I found beautiful. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" Bella looked confused and horrified.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning…after he realized what he'd become…" I realized I was sounding too serious, I tried to lighten up the moment as I continued, "And he's clearly still in excellent health."

Bella suddenly turned to face me completely, searching my eyes for understanding, "What are you talking about? What do you mean; this is something you had to think about once?" She continued to stare, demanding that I explain myself. She wasn't going to let this go if I tried to brush this away.

It pained me to think about that time, when I nearly lost Bella; it was pure agony to think about life without her. I tried to banish the thoughts as I carefully crafted my answer, I did not want to cause undue panic on Bella's part.

"Last spring, when you were…nearly killed…" I took a deep breath, willing away the images of her body lying, bleeding and broken; James hovered over her as he bit her hand. I was worried that I would fail to reach her in time, that I would find her dead. Even remembering that day was enough to feel the panic rise in my mind.

Softening my tone I continued, "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human." That should satisfy her curiosity.

Watching Bella, I figured she was also lost in the memories of that day, when she'd foolishly ran off trying to save me and my family from James, when she thought he had her mom. Her finger lightly traced the cold scar on her hand, a grim reminder of that day. I suppressed a shudder as I thought of Bella facing off with James. In the end all that mattered was that James was dead and Bella was alive.

My morose thoughts were interrupted by an incredulous Bella, "Contingency plans?"

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you," I stated this simply, but rolled my eyes as though my feelings were quite obvious. Bella is my whole life. To keep existing when she no longer did, it was incomprehensible to me. Without thinking I continued to explain. "But I wasn't sure how to _do _it- I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

My thoughts turned somber as I imagined myself going there, asking them to take my life, because there would be no living if there was no Bella. What point would there be to this life without her? She was the reason why I felt happy and more alive than I have ever believed was possible. This adorable creature found some way to love me, a monster for all intents and purposes.

"What is a _Volturi?_" Bella demanded.

Without looking at her, still locked in my deep thoughts about life and death, I explained, "The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose" Coming back to focus on Bella, I continued, "Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America-do you remember the story?"

I watched as Bella thought back to Carlisle's story and his time with the Volturi. Although she outwardly gave no indications of concern or fear, I still wondered if and when she would become afraid of me and my family. I wished once again that I could hear the thoughts in her head, to see how she remembered and interpreted Carlisle's story.

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die- or whatever it is we do." I was surprised how calm I felt, talking about my eventual demise. I did not know what lay beyond this world, but I knew I was dammed. Whether that is hell, purgatory or whatever, I did not know. Without my soul, I was forbidden from heaven.

It was mainly because of this that I was adamant that Bella stay human. I could not take away her soul. It would be selfish and wrong on so many levels. I would hate myself for all eternity, as I believed Bella would if I changed her and took her soul. She may think she wants this life, but she has no clue what that choice means and to have her hate me, it would be unbearable.

Abruptly, Bella gripped my face, "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed _to hurt yourself!" True horror and fear were written clearly on her face. For a brief second I basked in the knowledge that she cared if I lived or died. She had to know that without her, there was no living, there would be nothing. Still, I felt ashamed that I had worried her needlessly.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."

"_Put _me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" My little tiger kitten was back, the anger evident in her voice and eyes. She continued in a rush, "How dare you even think like that?" The look on her face was one of disbelief and pain. I wondered if she was thinking of life without me.

I was struck with a sudden need to truly show her how much I love her, need her, "What would you do, if the situation were reversed?"

"That's not the same thing," she huffed. I smiled at the idea that I was worthy enough to die for, when I knew I wasn't. She regarded me far too highly; I could never live up to what she expects me to be.

"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off _myself?" Bella looked at me with true misery and concern, like the idea of me dead actually distressed her. But the thought of Bella intentionally hurting herself was too much for me to bear. She had too much life, for it to needlessly end.

"I guess I see your point…a little, but what would I do without you?" I layered the all the adoration and love I felt into that question. What would I do if there was no more Bella? I could not even begin to fathom such a time.

Bella frowned as she contemplated my question, "Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."

I sighed because she believed I could do that, "You make that sound so easy."

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

I wanted to argue with her that she had it all backwards, but we wouldn't have the time. "Moot point." I lifted Bella away from me and sat up myself. Charlie was coming home soon and I wanted to be respectful and propitious.

I didn't fool Bella, she knew what was up, "Charlie?" I smiled and she turned towards the sound of Charlie parking the police cruiser as she grabbed my hand. If she could handle this in front of Charlie, so could I.

Charlie entered the house with pizza and the smell was awful. I was glad I wouldn't have to force it down as Charlie was used to me not eating with them. His thoughts, always a bit hazy to me, were a bit more focused tonight. _Wow, my baby is eighteen! Where did the time go? I am so glad she decided to come live here. _I echoed Charlie's thought's, I too was glad Bella came to live here; it's hard now to think of a time before she did.

"Hey, kids. I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure. Thanks Dad." Bella went into the kitchen to eat.

When they were done, I knew I needed to act fast to get Bella to the party before she found a way out of it. She would not go easily, not my Bella. "Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I directed the question towards Charlie. He was my best hope of getting Bella to my house. So it was not surprising when I saw her shoot a furtive pleading look at Charlie. However, Charlie's thoughts were turning towards a baseball game starting on the TV.

"That's fine- the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight. So I won't be any kind of company…Here" He scooped up the camera he got Bella and tossed it towards her. Bella, being disappointed that Charlie did not bail her out and her general lack of coordination, missed the camera altogether. I scooped it up before it hit the floor and shattered.

"Nice save," Charlie commented. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullen's tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets- she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie." I handed the camera to Bella who surprised me by turning the camera on me and snapping a quick picture. 'It works," she smirked.

"That's good," replied Charlie, already becoming engrossed in the game. "Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." There was a slight frown as he said this. I knew how much he adored Alice. She was a big help as Bella was recuperating from the extensive injuries she received in Arizona at the hands of James.

I wished Charlie could extend some of that good will my way. He still held a bit of a grudge against me since the incident in Arizona, not that part of me didn't agree with him. It's that I knew Bella perceived the slight difference in how Charlie treated me versus Alice.

"It's been three days, Dad. I'll tell her."

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight." With that, the last of Charlie's concentration was on the game and we were dismissed. I smiled because now there was no way Bella would be able to escape the party. Grabbing her hand we walked her to her truck. I opened the passenger door for her and I was surprised she did not argue with me. Would it be too much for me to hope that she would enjoy this party?

I hated driving this truck. What Bella saw in this decrepit relic was beyond me. I pushed it as fast as it could go and all I got out of it was a loud groan.

"Take it easy," warned Bella. She was too protective of this rust bucket.

I knew it was useless, but maybe if I just kept at it, she would cave, "You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…" But Bella would never let me finish.

"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

A sigh died in my throat but I smiled brightly, "Not a dime."

"Good."

Her strange notions on why I could not spend any money on her were ridiculous. She felt it threw us out of proportion, when from the start we always were. I was the monster, she was the angel. She was everything good and light, I was darkness and soulless.

"Can you do me a favor?" Maybe I could guilt her into having a good time.

"That depends on what it is?" She wasn't going to agree to anything without knowing what I wanted, like always.

Sighing I turned towards her, so she could see the importance of this day and this party. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." I stared at Bella, willing her to understand that we all wanted to celebrate life, her life.

"Fine, I'll behave." Even that statement was given grudgingly.

With her current mood, if I didn't let her know that _everyone _would be there, she would never relax. "I probably should warn you…"

When she interrupted me I knew I read her right, "Please do."

"When I say they're all excited…I do mean _all _of them." Let's see how long it takes her to understand my emphasis.

"Everyone?" She gasped. That didn't take her long. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa." I knew that Rosalie made her nervous and if it was up to me, Rosalie wouldn't be there tonight. But, wherever Emmett was, Rosalie was there as well.

"Emmett wanted to be there." Emmett already thought of Bella as his little sister and took every opportunity to treat her as one. I could never repay Emmett for all the kindness and understanding he showed toward Bella and our relationship.

"But…Rosalie?" The anxiety was rising in her eyes. Hating to see her in any undue stress, I attempted to soothe her.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." If not, she will have to deal with me and no one will get in my way.

Bella was silent and I wondered where her thoughts had taken her. Even after all this time I was still frustrated by the silence of her mind, but Bella liked it that way. I watched the emotions flit across her face; anxiety, stress, guilt. The others I could understand why she felt them, but guilt? What did she have to be guilty about? She has been nothing but warm, trusting, kind and loving. If anyone should feel guilty it was me, for being in her life. But I was far too selfish to leave, I wanted her too much.

Wanting to keep her from feeling guilty, but having no clue how to do so, I spoke the first thought that came to my mind, "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" That definitely was the wrong question to ask, I knew instantly what her response would be.

"You know what I want," she whispered softly.

The frown erupted automatically on my face. How many times were we going to have this argument? I know that Bella was obstinate in her desire to be changed, but I am much more in my desire to keep her human. I loved this creature next to me more than anything or anyone in the world and I would make sure that she stayed human.

But if I was honest with myself, the idea of having Bella less breakable, more durable had benefits. But those benefits were for me alone, they do not serve any purpose for Bella. She should live in light and happiness, not in my eternal darkness.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please." I tried to dazzle her in the hopes of getting her off this subject once and for all. It was a wasted effort.

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I couldn't help the menacing growl that erupted; it was one of pain and frustration. If there was one of my siblings who would go behind my back on this, it would be Alice. She loved to replay her vision of Bella, cold and hard as stone often. It was her way of trying to wear me down. She wanted that one to come true just as bad as Bella did. The only redeeming thought I clung to was that Alice was not confident in her ability to do it herself. I may need to pound that thought into her hard and often.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella." I said each word slowly and clearly, trying to get through to her that I was never going to budge. I would not take away her soul; I could not have that on my conscious.

"That's not fair!" My little tiger kitten was back, but I found no humor in it now. My teeth clenched in exasperation. I knew I was far too upset to say anything, so I drove silently the last few feet to my house and parked the truck.

I watched as Bella took in the sight before her. Brightly colored Japanese lanterns were hung from the porch roof; bowls of pink roses lined the steps leading to the front door. It had the unmistakable stamp of Alice, it wasn't Bella at all and she moaned at the sight.

Wanting to be gentle, I paused to take a few calming breaths. I let her scent fill me up, feeling the burn in the back of my mouth. The wonderful aroma of freesia and lavender wafted from Bella, it was undeniably mouth-watering. I swallowed the excess venom her scent always inspired and spoke gently.

"This is a party. Try to be a good sport."

"Sure," muttered my stubborn Bella.

Opening the door on her side of the truck, I automatically reached for Bella's hand. A sense of relief and completeness filled me. This is what I needed, the feeling of being with her. There was nothing else like it in this world.

"I have a question," she uttered, quickly playing with her camera. I looked at her with obvious wary and concern. "If I develop this film will you show up in the picture?"

So surprised by her question, I couldn't help but laugh at her. As much as Bella has seen and been told about my world, she still held onto the myths and legends. It was one of the many reasons why I loved her; she kept me on my toes with her questions and thoughts. I could hear Emmett question what was happening outside.

_What's so funny, bro? Bella fall down again? _I wanted to growl at him, but Bella's question still rang in my mind and it was too humorous to stop laughing. We walked up the stairs and I opened the door to my waiting family.

A loud cheer of "Happy Birthday, Bella" erupted once she stepped across the threshold. I could taste her blush in the air and felt the warmth as it radiated from her to me. I loved that reaction; I would never tire of seeing her face flush with heat. It was just another reason why I wanted to keep her human, I loved making her blush.

Glancing at the living room I spotted more bowls filled with roses, dozens of pink candles scattered around the room, a table with a pink cake, glass plates and a pile of presents. Alice better not think we were going to eat cake, if so, she could go first. I could smell the sugary confection and it was not appealing in the least.

Bella's shoulders slumped with the onslaught of attention; I quickly wrapped my arms around her to plant a soft kiss on her head. Inhaling deeply, I luxuriated in the scent. Esme stepped forward to give her a hug and kiss her gently on the cheek. _Oh, Edward, she looks so surprised. I hope Alice didn't over- do it. _I hid a smile at Esme's fretting; she worried about Bella like she was one of her own.

Carlisle stepped forward to give her a hug. "Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in," he whispered, but everyone could hear, which was his intention. _She'll be ok Edward, relax and try to enjoy yourself. It will help her relax as well._

I didn't notice I was starting to tense up, but Carlisle was as right as ever; I needed to loosen up if Bella was ever going to have fun. Turning my attention towards the other members of my family who had yet to greet Bella, I noticed Rosalie. Pleased to see that she remained expressionless, but I could still hear her grumblings.

_Look at them, fawning over her like she's some big deal. I can't wait to leave and go back to Africa, now that was fun. My dress does look stunning, even better than when I tried it on in the store. _At that moment she caught her reflection and began to admire herself, like usual.

Emmett gave Bella a huge toothy grin as she turned her attention to him. "You haven't changed at all. I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella murmured. If it was even possible, Bella's blush grew deeper, causing Emmett to roar out in delight. I stared at her in complete adoration. I did not deserve this luscious woman standing beside me. Holding her tighter to my side, her warmth warming me slightly, we watched Emmett.

He was still laughing as he winked at Alice and told Bella, "I have to step out for a second, don't do anything funny while I'm gone." I could still hear him laughing as he began to work on Bella's truck.

"I'll try," replied Bella. At that same time Alice danced up to Bella with Jasper staying a few feet behind. I could hear Alice's excited thoughts. _Let the fun begin!_

"Time to open presents," stated Alice as she brought Bella closer to the table with the silver pile of gifts. Bella was trying hard not to frown, but she was not very convincing.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything-"protested Bella.

"But I didn't listen," interrupted Alice with no hint of remorse. She handed Bella one of the shiny wrapped presents, "Open it." _How can anyone not like to get presents? They are so fun!_

I watched Bella as she read who the present was from and then slowly un-wrapped it. Puzzlement was written all across her face as she took in the box covered with numbers and then more confusion as she opened it, only to find it empty.

Ever gracious, she never questioned as she stated, "Um…thanks." Jasper laughed and even Rosalie smiled a bit at her confusion. Jasper clued her in, "It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it." Bella flicked her eyes quickly at Alice, knowing that Alice would have seen her do just that.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie." She was actually smiling; maybe she could accept gifts without too much fuss. "Thanks Emmett!" she called out so he could hear.

Emmett responded by letting out a booming laugh, which made me laugh. He was almost done and was excited to get back inside. Alice handed Bella the next gift. I held my breath in anticipation.

"Open mine and Edward's next." Alice held in her hand a small, thin package. She turned to glare at me as she stated, "You promised."

I opened my mouth to respond but Emmett choose that time to bound back inside and declare, "Just in time!" Staring deeply into her warm brown eyes so she could see the depth of my sincerity I said, "I didn't spend a dime." I pulled a lone strand of her chestnut hair from her face, trailing my hands along her cheek. My hand warmed slightly from that simple touch.

She shuddered slightly as she turned towards Alice. I wondered if it was from the temperature of my skin or from my touch. I hoped it was the latter. "Give it to me," she ordered Alice.

Several things happened in such slow motion clarity, that they will forever be burned into my mind. I watched as Bella slid her finger under the edge of the paper and pull it out in an attempt to tear the paper. Simultaneously I heard her mutter, "Shoot" and smelled the tiny drop of blood that had pooled on her finger.

_MINE! I need to have her! Get out of my way!_

"No!" I screamed as Jasper's thoughts blasted their way to my brain. I acted without thinking and I leapt at Bella, throwing her clear across the room into the table with the cake and presents. I heard the crash as she landed on the table.

Jasper's thoughts were reduced to ferocious snarling and the instinctual need for the sweet smelling blood that filled the air. Jasper crashed into me in his attempt to drain Bella dry, the resounding crack of stone meeting stone filled the room. I held tightly onto Jasper as he tried to barrel through me, his growling inches from my ears, filled my heart with dread.

Emmett reached Jasper and placed him in a ferocious bear hug, but that did not stop Jasper as he struggled to get to the only thing filling his mind, Bella and her blood. _Get out of my way! I want her! She is mine! _His thrashing grew in earnest, his snarls and snapping getting louder by the second.

I turned slowly for the room seemed to grow heavy with the scent of Bella's blood, surely more than a simple paper cut could produce. The sight that greeted me would have made my heart stop beating if it could. Bella, covered in pink frosting, and her blood dripping slowly down her arm. Suddenly my throat was a flame with the scent of her blood and venom pooled in my mouth.

The monster I had held at bay the last few months roared to the surface at the sight of her blood. I felt the pull and the need for the sweet blood. Before I could creep forward, I stopped the flow of air into my lungs. It was our first day of biology all over again.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review! Thanks to everyone who added my story to their alerts- it means alot. A big shout out to my wonderful betas: PisceanPal23 and CullenandSwan1993.**


	3. Ch 3 Broken

**A/N: Once again, I do not own Twilight...this is only my take on what may have happened. Please review, I will respond to them...I like them.. they are crack for the soul! To all those who have added my little story to your faves...thanks! Please review... ENJOY!**

Broken

I could only stare at Bella in helplessness; I was at war within myself. I wanted to go and comfort her, but was scared to do so. I did not trust myself to be close to her. How in the hell did this all happen? I tried to replay it in my mind, but I was lacking any comprehension. The sound of Jasper's frantic snarls drew me from my reverie and I placed myself in a defensive position in front of Bella. He would have to get through me to get her.

Somewhere through all the chaos, I heard Carlisle's calm, soothing voice take over. "Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." With pleasure! It was only time before this happened. Rosalie's thoughts were hitting me in the gut.

I so got this, Edward. No worries. I would owe Emmett, for everything he did tonight. Jumping into action, Emmett kept a firm grasp on Jasper, "Come on, Jasper." He pulled him outside and into the forest that butted up to the back of the house. I was faintly aware of hearing them run into the forest. Good riddance I thought bitterly. Glancing around the room, I saw the sorrowful expression on Esme's face. She held her hand in front of her face, trying not to breathe and losing her struggle of civility.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." She gasped with whatever air she had left and ran outside to join the others. Edward, tell her how sorry I am. I feel so ashamed. I would never hurt her. I hope you both understand. The pleading tone in her thoughts was another stab to my gut.

Carlisle came up to me slowly, seeing I was still holding a defensive crouch, "Let me by Edward." I nodded slowly and relaxed only slightly as he walked by. He knelt by Bella and began his assessment of the wound. Jealously ripped through me as I saw the careful ease in which he touched Bella. More pain tore through me as I wished I could do the same. Alice walked in handing him a towel, "Here Carlisle." Why didn't I think of that? I seemed to be a few steps behind everyone else.

Carlisle shook his head, "Too much glass in the wound." I watched as he ripped a thin strip of tablecloth and wrap it around Bella's arm to stem the flow of blood. I envied his ability to be so close to her, to be her hero. I wanted to be her hero; instead I was nothing more than a pathetic creature, struggling to keep from killing her.

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked her softly.

I knew her answer before she spoke, "Here, please." She did not want to draw any attention and going to the hospital would do just that.

"I'll get your bag," offered Alice. I knew she needed clean air, she was struggling as well. I can handle this Edward, I am ok. I am real worried about Jasper, but I know he'll need a few minutes to compose himself. I could care less about Jasper at this minute; I was more concerned about Bella and doing what I could to help her. But unsure what that would be.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle looked at me expectantly. If it's too much for you Edward, I can take her. I shook my head slightly and I picked Bella up in my arms. I was surprised that I felt no joy in her closeness. Fear, worry, guilt and loathing were jumbled in my brain.

Ever the doctor Carlisle monitored Bella closely, "How are you doing, Bella." I realized I had yet to say one word to her since I heedlessly threw her across the room. I knew that Bella would have noticed by now. I just didn't trust myself to use what little air I had in my lungs.

"I'm fine," she replied in a steady and calm voice. I knew that the smell and sight of blood makes her faint, so I was worried that she would pass out soon. There was much more blood tonight than when she did blood typing in biology months ago. Like that day, I also held her away from my body, and then it was to keep her from feeling my coldness. Now it was because I did not want her blood too close to me. The monster in me rejoiced a little more.

Alice was already waiting for us as I gently sat her by the table. I stared at Carlisle as he was prepping a syringe with lidocaine to numb her arm, before he began to remove the multitude of glass shards.

With a sigh Bella addressed me, "Just go, Edward." She missed nothing. Seeing my expression through Alice's eyes, I could see why she was trying to give me an out.

"I can handle it." I was irritated that she was putting me first, yet again. It wasn't enough that I was completely responsible for what she was going through, but she had to play the martyr and worry about me. I was disgusted with myself. I did not deserve her, and tonight was proof yet again. I should have learned my lesson in Arizona.

"You don't need to be a hero," she insisted. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Go get some fresh air." She was right; I didn't need to be the hero, because I was far from one. I was a monster that should never exist. I was causing pain to the one person I loved more than anything. I wanted to scream with the fury raging inside.

I watched her grimace as Carlisle administered the medication. The urge to comfort her, to smooth the crease that placed its self between her eyes, was crushing. She should not be in pain, of any kind. There was no way I was leaving her, I could fight this tooth and nail if I had to; she deserved that. "I'll stay."

"Why are you being so masochistic?" she questioned me. Did she not want me there or was she really concerned for my welfare? Maybe I was not hiding the longing I had for the blood drying on her arm. Maybe she was finally scared of me. My heart ached at that thought. I guess it was to be expected, I had been waiting for it for so long. But that selfish part of me did not want to believe that, it wanted to hold on to the notion that she cared for me and that is why she was being so insistent.

Before I could make any sense of the war inside my head and heart, Carlisle interjected, "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." Edward, there is no shame in leaving and getting some air. Bella understands, and is only trying to help you.

"Yes, go find Jasper," she pleaded.

"You might as well do something useful," chimed Alice. I shot her a loathing stare. She was not helping at all. She will be fine, Carlisle will stitch her up quickly. I hated that they were ganging up on me, but I couldn't last much longer, I had no air left in my lungs. I nodded to Carlisle and left in a blur out the back door.

I made it as far as a few steps before I sank down on the cool grass and gasped for air. Letting the night air cool the burn in my throat and settle my chaotic thoughts. Soon, I heard Alice as she left: it had become too much for her as well. Sorry, Edward, I tried. I am going to find Jasper, want to come? I shook my head, I was in no mood to see or talk to Jasper. He's really sorry Edward, he would never hurt Bella. He loves her like a sister. I made no move to indicate I heard her. I just stared at the sky, waiting for her to leave.

I could hear Bella and Carlisle talking but I did want to eavesdrop, it seemed intrusive for some reason. To give them some privacy, I ran a ways into the forest. I did not go far in case Bella needed me, but just enough so that I could no longer hear Carlisle's thoughts. For the first time since I laid eyes on Bella, I had no desire to watch her through another's eyes.

Fury coursed within my body as I shook in anger. How could this of happened; why did it all go so wrong? I knew the answer; it was because I once again put Bella in danger by being in her life. I had let the selfish part of me who craved her attention, her warmth, override the reality of who I was and the inherent danger that posed to Bella. The duality in me waged a ferocious battle; the selfish versus reality. I did not know if I had it in me to fight anymore.

Knowing that it would not take Carlisle too long to sew Bella up and that she would be worried and anxious until I returned, I headed back to the house. I walked slowly, taking in huge gulps of air, trying to clear the memory of the scent of her blood. I knew it was useless, but I tried in vain anyways.

As I got closer to home, I caught part of what Carlisle and Bella were talking about. Curiosity got the best of me and I found myself stopping to listen and watch her through Carlisle.

"By all accounts, we're dammed regardless. But, I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying." This was a subject Carlisle and I had discussed often. No matter what my father said, nothing could convince me that I had a soul or that any of us did. Therefore, we would be forbidden from heaven if we should ever die.

"I don't think that's foolish," mumbled Bella. She really thought so highly of us all, it was a wasted effort. "And I don't think anyone would, either."

"Actually, you're the very first one to agree with me."

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" I knew she was thinking of me; it was written clear across her face. How she could believe that I deserved heaven after I no longer existed, I have no idea. I just knew she was wrong. There was nothing for me after.

She really does believe the best in all of us. We are lucky to have her in our lives; she gives us a dream to strive for. I was surprised by Carlisle's thoughts. I never knew he felt that Bella was a benefit to us all. I heard how he felt she changed me, but never how she may have changed us all.

"Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist…and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." I saw as he looked out the window, I knew he could see me. "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls." He was right. I was a soulless being, and that condemned me to something akin to hell, not the beauty of heaven. Heaven is reserved for people like Bella, pure, warm, and giving.

As Carlisle turned to face Bella again, I saw the gears in her head trying to figure something out. Her brow was furrowed and she had that far away look. "That's the real problem, isn't it? That's why he's being so difficult about me." I thought she could hear that in every word I ever spoke to her. Maybe I wasn't as transparent as I thought. I could not be the one responsible for taking her soul, which would be the ultimate selfish act.

I was pulled out of my musing as Carlisle answered, slowly. "I look at my…son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him- and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

I felt uneas;, Carlisle always thought more of me than I was and could ever be capable of. Hearing him give me praise that I did not warrant, it made my stomach turn. I could see Bella nod her head in absolute agreement. I did not deserve her adoration either, especially after tonight.

Carlisle continued, oblivious to Bella, "But if I believed as he does…If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?" He stared at Bella and I felt myself wishing she would understand why I did not want her to become like me.

I could see that whatever reply on the tip of her tongue was stopped short at Carlisle's question. I could almost hear her thoughts say her soul was something she would gladly give to be changed. She could not understand the consequences of giving away her soul willingly. I still struggled with what I was, and I had no choice.

"You see the problem." Carlisle smiled at her, hoping he got through to her. He knew how much it pained me to think of Bella as a vampire.

But Carlisle did not know how stubborn Bella could be when she had her mind made up. No matter what argument was brought up, it could not sway her from what she wanted. It was one of the few things that annoyed me. I watched as she shook her head vehemently.

"It's my choice." Ah, there is my little tiger kitten, stubborn, beautiful, and pure Bella.

"It's his, too." He held up his hand to stop her response. "Whether he is responsible for doing that to you."

"Thank you, Carlisle," I whispered, hoping he heard.

"He's not the only one able to do it." Suddenly I became alarmed; I never anticipated that she would go and ask Carlisle. Of course, leave it to Bella to go down the list of vampires she knew, begging them to transform her. I almost ran in the room to convince Carlisle not to give in to her when he laughed.

"Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him." I almost collapsed from relief at his words. I turned to walk away, needing to collect my tangled thoughts.

I sat on the boulder near the river that ran through the back of our property. I had spent many sunrises here, when I first met Bella, thinking and mulling over everything. How could I not see that she would ask Carlisle to change her? Was it because I was too focused on keeping her human, that I missed the obvious? She had heard enough of our stories to know that Carlisle was more than capable of changing her.

In all my conversations with Carlisle about our souls, or lack of them, and Bella's insistence in losing hers I never secured his promise not to do it if she came to him. I would be eternally grateful that he denied Bella her backhanded request.

A sudden fear gripped my entire being, fear of Bella stopping at nothing to get what she wanted, to be turned into a monster. I could not let that happen. I did not know how, but I had to find a way to make sure that did not happen. The anger I felt earlier, came back. It shouldn't be like this, it was all wrong, so very wrong and I needed to make it right. I had a small suspicion of what I had to do, but it brought such an ache to my body. I tried to push it aside, but I could not erase it completely. I needed to get through the rest of this horrible night before I made any decisions.

I walked back into the house just as Carlisle offered to drive Bella home. I kept my face smooth, calm. I did not want Bella to see how disgusted I was at how everything turned out.

"I'll do that."

A quick emotion flitted across her face, anxiety maybe. It happened so fast, I was not able to get a clear read. "Carlisle can take me," she breathed.

Was she still trying to make this night easier for me? That thought only added to the simmering anger I was reining in. She looked down at herself, finally seeing how she was covered in blood and bright pink frosting.

"I'm fine. You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I left quickly to find my sister. I knew Bella could tell I was not right. My voice and demeanor was all wrong, but looking at her all broken and bloodied, I could not bring myself to put up a false front.

Alice was coming in through the kitchen as I headed out to find her. I am on I;, one blue shirt. No worries, Charlie will never notice. What are you thinking, Edward? Things are muddled up. Don't do…

"Leave it alone Alice, I am in no mood. I just want to get her home." Staring at her, I was daring her to keep pushing. I wanted to fight and if she wasn't careful, she could be my target. She glared back and walked in front of me towards Bella.

I watched as she followed Alice up the stairs. Turning towards Carlisle once she was out of sight, I tried to speak. My mouth opened, but I couldn't say what was on my mind, for it was becoming a tangled web all over again. Through Carlisle I could see the confusion and pain etched in my face. I was at a loss, I felt adrift.

It will be ok Edward. She is fine, she will be ok. Please do not be rash about this. Angered flared within me at his attempts to comfort me. It was not the place or the time; there was nothing comforting about any of this.

"There is nothing fine about this Carlisle." I replayed in my head how I threw Bella across the room, into the table and plates. I could hear the snarls and snapping of Jasper as he fought me to get to Bella. "I am the one who threw her into the table and caused her to slice up her arm. I insisted she come to this ridiculous party, when I knew she did not want to come. Please, do not try to make me feel better."

Carlisle's thoughts were silent as I walked away from him. Somehow, I needed to get a grip on my emotions. To be flying off the handle was not helping matters. I was only hurting those I loved, when it should be me who was hurting.

At the front door I waited for Bella; I needed to get out of here before I exploded. Soon Bella came down the stairs towards me. Her expression looked cautious and deliberate. I wondered if she was in more pain than she let on, that would be typical of Bella. She concentrated on my face, searching for what was going on inside me. There would be no chance that she missed my lack of happy expression. Try as I might, I could not fake that everything was okay.

Alice glanced at the presents that had been scattered earlier and ran to scoop them up. "Take your things." She handed them off to Bella who took them in her good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

Take care of her Edward, enjoy the rest of her birthday. You will see that everything will be ok in the morning. I did not share Alice's optimism, so once again I did not acknowledge that I heard her.

By this time, both of my parents had gathered to say goodbye to Bella and give her more birthday wishes. Please don't worry Edward, everything will be ok. Don't do anything you will regret out of fear and anger. I knew Esme was concerned, but I was growing more irritated by the second. I tried to block Carlisle's thoughts; I knew I would end up feeling guilty. I was wholly unsuccessful. Son, I know you heard part of my conversation with Bella. I think she understands you better than you realize. Also, I promise that I will not change her, without you knowing.

I thanked Carlisle so low Bella would not hear. His words brought me a very small measure of relief. I did need to worry about Bella going to Carlisle asking to be changed. I did wonder why he felt Bella understood me. I did not have time to ponder as Bella was quickly walking to her truck.

I opened the passenger door, knowing that driving would be hard with her arm. She scrambled in quickly. The sound of her ripping the red ribbon Emmett had placed on her stereo echoed as I entered the driver's side, she kicked it under the seat. I wondered if she was angry at what had happened to her or at me. There would be no blame if her anger was directed towards me, it was justified.

We did not talk as I drove. I tried to push the truck past its capabilities. The desire to get her home soon was my first priority. Then maybe I could get some clarity to my jumbled thoughts. My anger, which had been simmering, began to bubble forth. With no conversation to occupy my mind, I was unable to stop a replay of tonight's events.

**A/N: Ok..I know that was short..but a longer chapter does await! Please review...I like reading them! A HUGE shout out to my betas: CullenandSwan1993 and PisceanPal23..you ladies rock! Also to Dino, Wendy & Sarah...thannks for everything!**


	4. Ch 4 Fighting

**A/N: I hope everyone had a nice Holiday.. I did! Here is my latest chapter..I hope you all enjoy! A huge shout out to my betas: PisceanPal23 and CullenandSwan1993. You guys rock! ****Please review..I really would like to know what you are all thinking..good, bad, indifferent..it does not matter.**

Fighting

I could have killed Bella tonight in my misguided attempt in keeping her safe from Jasper. If I had flung her too hard, she could have ended up with injuries similar to those in Arizona or so much worse. I was lucky that the extra blood I caused to be spilt did not cause someone else to try to get to Bella. To be honest, I knew it could have been me that went after her. That thought made my entire being freeze. Suddenly, everything became crystal clear. I was the biggest danger to her and always would be. Bella was no longer safe with me. I wanted to weep at this conclusion.

"Say something," Bella begged, bringing me from my desolate thoughts.

"What do you want me to say?" I had no clue. What do you say to the woman you love when you nearly killed her?

"Tell me you forgive me," she pleaded.

I nearly erupted in sudden anger, my thoughts a tangled web of anger, loathing and disgust.

"Forgive _you? _For what?" I seethed, unable to say anything more, for fear I would lose my tenuous hold on my sanity. Bella truly looked at everything completely backwards.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she explained.

How could she take this all on her? I was almost at a loss for words. Almost.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly deserves the death penalty." It nearly was the death penalty for her. Her presence in my family's life kept her balanced between life and death. Any innocuous thing could tip her towards death. I could not let that happen, not when I had the power to save her.

"It's still my fault." Her stubbornness was no longer endearing, it was infuriating. I needed her to see reason, to see how close she came to dying.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own- without someone throwing you into them- even then, what's the worst?" My words were coming hard and fast, hoping to get through to her thick head the direness of the situation.

"You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up-and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

Leave it to Bella to push the subject beyond reason. "How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?"

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with." My words were sharp and bitter. I hated that boy with every fiber of my being, but I knew that he would give Bella a chance to be human and live a full life. Hell, any human boy would give that to her, while I could not.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she declared, with honesty and sincerity. A part of my heart leapt at her words. She still loved me. But I knew she was not being reasonable.

"Don't be melodramatic, please." She had no idea what she wanted or what the consequences to her actions meant. But I did and they tortured me.

"Well then, don't be ridiculous," she retorted.

She thought _I _was being ridiculous? All I was trying to do was love and keep her safe. The fact that she undermined my every attempt with her inability for any self preservation only fueled my anger. Unable to respond to her in a rational, calm manner, I just stared out the windshield. In my mind, I wished that Bella would comprehend the true danger she had been in tonight. Then again, Bella never did things they way she should.

I almost sighed with relief as I pulled up to her house; this night was almost over.

"Will you stay tonight?" She was calm, but I could hear the tone of longing her in her voice. It lessened some of my anger; I did not want to cause her anymore pain.

"I should go home." It was just a feeble excuse. I really needed time to think and untangle my emotions. I wanted to sort things out, see what I could do to salvage everything before it was too late.

"For my birthday," she implored, looking at me with her warm chocolate eyes.

I almost smiled; Bella was not very skilled at manipulating, she was too obvious.

"You can't have it both ways- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." I couldn't hold onto to my anger as fiercely when she pleaded like that.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." I watched as she exited the truck and reached for the silver presents that had sat between us the whole ride to her house. They were a painful reminder of the night's events.

"You don't have to take those." I didn't want her to feel guilty if she no longer wanted them and didn't want to say anything.

"I want them," she replied quickly.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." I was teasing her in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I'll live." She picked up the presents with her good arm and slammed the truck door with her foot. Maybe she was mad at me after all. However she was feeling it bothered me to see her juggling the gifts. I went to her side in less than a second.

"Let me carry them, at least. I'll be in your room." I took the presents from her.

The smile that greeted me took my breath away. How she could still smile and at me no less, after all that had happened, I had no clue. But for this brief moment, I just enjoyed it.

I decided to push my happiness a little further, "Happy birthday," I sighed. Leaning down, my lips caressed hers softly. My intention was to only to brush my lips against hers. However, like always, Bella had other ideas. She pushed up on her toes to hold her lips to mine a while longer. Her warmth breath grazed my cheek as I finally pulled away.

I smiled the smile I knew she loved and disappeared into the darkness surrounding her house. Scaling the side of the house I waited in her room. The thickness of her scent assaulted me and I felt the burn. The venom began to pool in my mouth and I had to beat the monster back once again. This was my heaven and my hell.

I began to feel ashamed for all I have put Bella through. Her life has been threatened so many times because of who I was, because I needed her to be a part of my life. I was selfish, absolutely and completely selfish. My desire for her company and her presence could have ended in her death.

But how could I protect her? What could I do that would ensure that she would be safe, protected and above all human? My chest ached with the painful ideas that ran wild, for it was becoming clearer there was only one option. My ruminations were interrupted by the sound of her in the bathroom. I idly picked up one of her presents, twirling it around and around. I did not want her to open them; she did not need the reminders.

I heard and smelled her as she walked in. Her face was freshly scrubbed, shiny and clean. She smelled like rain. 'Hi," I intoned, sadness leaking into my voice no matter how hard I tried not to.

She walked to me and pushed the presents away from us and climbed into my lap. She curled herself around my stone chest. Without thinking, my arms closed upon her and held her tight. It was pure ecstasy having her in my arms. Her heat washed over me, such a familiar sensation, one I would never tire of feeling.

"Hi," she replied. "Can I open my presents now?"

Her words rang with sincerity. Instantly curiosity consumed me as to why she wanted them now. I knew her abhorrence at me spending any money on her. She protested anytime it was more than a movie or a simple dinner.

I couldn't help but question her, once again wishing I could just pluck the thoughts from her silent mind. "Where did the enthusiasm come from?'

"You made me curious." She stated simply. I almost laughed at the irony. I made her curious? I was curious about every little smile, pucker and sigh she made. I wondered if I would ever come to understand how she thought.

She picked up the gift from my parents and made a move to begin opening it. I snatched it from her hand, not sure if either of could survive another paper cut. "Allow me." I removed the wrapping in one smooth movement and gave the box back to her.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" I knew she meant to be playful and a bit sarcastic, but I was bound and determined to make sure the rest of her evening went without a hitch. I watched as she tried to process what lay in the flat box. Eventually she pieced it together.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" The excitement in her voice was unmistakable. It made me happy to see her happy. I wished everything could go this smoothly.

"That's the idea."

She continued in a rush of words, "I can't believe it. Renèe is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Her excitement was infectious; I cracked a bit of a smile.

"I think I can handle it." I was perturbed that she was taking this so well and I did not hesitate to point it out. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

She threw me a reproachful glare, but she could never stay mad for too long. "Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!" The happiness that colored her words warmed me. Was it possible that she still loved me after all that had happened? If so, it was more proof that I was not worthy of her love.

I concentrated on the thought that she still wanted me in her life, for it was all I was certain of at this moment. The smile that stayed on her face as the thought of us in Florida made me laugh.

"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable." The reminder that the one unopened present came from me, sparked her interest. She laid the tickets off to the side and grabbed it.

Once again, I removed the paper and handed it back to her. She stared at the CD jewel case for a few seconds before she asked, "What is it?"

Wanting to see her reaction first hand I said nothing. I placed the CD into the player that sat on her bedside table. I pressed play and waited. It was then I realized I was holding my breath in expectation. Suddenly I was worried she wouldn't like it. I almost made a move to take it out when I noticed the look on her face.

Looking closely, I saw the tears that had begun to well in her eyes. I was confused. How could my music make her sad? I listened as the familiar cords of her lullaby filled the room. A soothing, peaceful feeling coursed through my body. Music always had the power to calm me down.

"Does your arm hurt?" I was anxious to understand the source of her tears. I tried in vain to penetrate her mind; I wanted to know why she was crying.

"No, it's not my arm, "she whispered, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it."

She sat in silence, listening to me play my music. Awe and amazement crossed her face, she truly enjoyed my gift. It was humbling having her show such enjoyment in my gift. I poured my every thought and emotion I had that tied me to her in the pieces I played. It was just another way I was showing her how much I loved her.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here." How often I had wished I could play her to sleep. Humming her lullaby was one thing. But to be able to play all the harmonies and melodies together, to listen as they came together to tell the story of a sleeping Bella, well, it would be magic.

"You're right."

We both sat in silence for a few moments. It was enough for me to forget the awful beginning of this night, to simply hold this amazing person, who found a way to love me. She shifted and I thought I saw a grimace.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine." She answered too fast. I saw the brief flash of discomfort on her face before she schooled her face into indifference. I was sure the numbing medication Carlisle had given her prior to stitching was wearing off. Her arm had to be burning. But leave it to Bella to play the brave one. Never let anyone take care of her. Two could play this game.

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything." Her protest was weak, which meant she was hurting more than she let on. I slid her off my lap and went towards the door. "Charlie," she hissed.

"He won't catch me." I opened her door and flashed into the bathroom which was across the hall from her room, collected a glass of water and the bottle of pills. I was back before the door had closed completely.

The fact that she did not argue further told me I was correct in my assessment; she was in pain. I would never understand her need for discounting her own needs. She made it seem that letting someone take care of her was a tragedy. Maybe taking care of her mother for so long left her with the bizarre notion she didn't need caretaking.

The stress of the night had finally caught up to Bella. Her eyes were become heavy-lidded and she looked exhausted. As much as I did not want this part of the night to come, it was inevitable.

"It's late." With no room for disagreement, I picked her up carefully, not wanting to jostle her injured arm. Pulling back the covers, I laid her down and tucked the covers over her. Once I felt she was properly tucked in, I lay beside her and curled up next to her. She lay against my shoulder and the smell of strawberries from her hair greeted me. I inhaled deeply, feeling the burn of her blood and the sweet scent of her hair and skin. Even as I burned, a feeling of peace swept over us both, we were content.

"Thanks again," she whispered.

"You're welcome." I replied automatically, even though there was nothing to thank me for. Her entire birthday was a raging disaster. One that was forced upon by me and my unhealthy sense of what I thought was right for Bella. Once again, I proved how wrong I was, how wrong I always would be when it comes to Bella. My love for her was wrong, my being in her life was wrong; having her love me was wrong. How could I ever make things right for her? What is right is that Bella has a long life, free from danger, free to roam in the light not seduced by the night.

"What are you thinking about?" Her whisper broke into my internal struggle. It was a constant struggle between my desire to keep her in my life and the reality of that desire. Could I, or rather would I, be able to do the right thing? I was undecided.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." It was so much more than that, but it was the easiest way to explain without causing her undue stress and anxiety. She did not need to be privy to my tumultuous emotions and thoughts.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" Her tone made me wary. Were my thoughts written across my face? I tried to keep it passive, neutral. I did not want to unduly upset her.

"Yes," I replied, cautious.

'Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." There was a hope in her voice, like she feared I would not honor her request. How could I deny her? She was finally letting me acknowledge her birthday and spoil her at the same time.

"You're greedy tonight." But I was just as greedy. Craving her presence, but loathing the monster in me who craved it for entirely different reasons.

"Yes, I am- but please, don't do anything you don't want to do." I laughed at her weak attempt at reverse psychology as if there would ever be a time when I didn't want to kiss her.

Sighing, "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." Reaching for her chin, I pulled her so she was even with my face. Instantly I was lost in her eyes, warm, open and loving. I could spend eternity just looking at her.

I touched our lips as soft as a feather, but her heart instantly began sputtering. My hands traced the contours of her cheek, feeling the blush as it rushed to her skin. Bella's hand ran from the tops of my arms to my shoulder, leaving a blazing trail of heat. Our lips moved in harmony, tasting, savoring the moment.

Deep inside, something in me broke; I did not spend any time thinking about, but I rode the wave of desire and became lost. I fisted my hands in her hair, melding her warm frame to my cold one. We were fire and ice and I burned and melted. Bella responded in kind, pulling me closer to her by my hair. I accepted it, even welcomed it. Our lips moved with more urgency, seeking, memorizing, and searing us together.

As fast as it happened, I stopped it. I pushed her away by mere inches. I have never lost control like that; let my manly desires overwhelm me. Bella collapsed back to her bed, smiling but gasping for air. We listened to the wild pounding of her heart as it started to slowly return to normal.

"Sorry." I was just as breathless. The memory of the kiss left its imprint not only on my heart but on my lips, my entire body. I felt warm and tingly. "That was out of line." Wonderful, but it was wrong for me to kiss her so, I had to be careful.

"_I _don't mind." She still was breathless and still so flushed. I could taste it in the air; the heat from it was almost palpable. But I minded, and I needed to gain some calm.

"Try to sleep, Bella." I knew it was a worthless effort, but I was desperate to calm the heated desires that still arced from her to me and back again. I was painfully aware of how close she was to me, and the desire to crush her closer threatened to overwhelm once again.

"No, I want you to kiss me again," her pout was almost my undoing.

"You're over estimating my self-control." Which would be a bad thing, to lose control and she made it too easy.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" Did she really need to know, couldn't she tell?

"It's a tie." I smiled thinking it was not always the case, but it was close to the truth for now. Earlier in the night, when her arm was dripping in her crimson blood, I wanted only that. Just a few minutes ago, I wanted her body, woman to man. I sobered, I was no man. I was just a soul-less monster. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

At last, she listened without an argument or protest. "Fine." Then she snuggled further into her bed. I cradled her in my arms and felt as her body slowly began to relax. I let the music from the CD lull her into a deeper sleep. When the last of the tension left her body, I knew she was completely asleep. I stared into the darkness that was her room and realized I had hours of nothing in front of me. That's when the night's horrible events began to re-play and I couldn't turn them off.

**A/N: Ahh poor distraught Edward! Again...I hope you liked it! Please review..very curious to hear what you think!**


	5. Author Note

Happy New Year! I am sorry that there has been such a delay in getting a new chapter out. With the holidays, it was crazy not only for me but for my wonderful betas. But don't fret dear readers; a new chapter is on the way! Plus to make it up to you, this one will be one of the longest yet. I hope you enjoy it!

I remain busy writing and delving into Edward's story. It's going to get dark and sad, but we know that there is a light…somewhere for him.

Once you're done reading, please review! I love hearing from you and reading what you think about my story!


	6. Ch5 The War Within

**A/N: I do not own Twilight...ohh how I wish I did! Here it is.. the newest chapter! Enjoy! Oh, you may want to grab some kleenex. Thanks to my Betas- PisceanPal23 & CullenandSwan1993- you ladies rock!**

The War Within

The irony wasn't lost on me. Here I was, a mere twenty-four hours removed from last night when I stared into the inky silence and let the happy moments from the past few months re-play. It was an endless loop of laughter, love, warmth, of being in Bella's presence. Now, here I lay and it's an endless loop of the night's wretched events.

Try as I might, the images came with no relief: Bella being flung into the table, the sounds of Jasper as he struggled to get past me; the pull of the monster within me when the smell of her blood reached me. The pleading look on Bella's face as she struggled to understand what happened. It was my worst nightmare come to life. Because of the loathsome creature that I was, I put Bella's life in danger. My selfish need to be close to her, to love her was almost the reason for her death.

It all really came down to my selfish desires. So many months ago, as I sat in this room, I finally admitted that I was selfish for wanting her. But there was nothing I could do; I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She consumed my every thought, breath, word, and action. Now, months later that feeling was intensified to unbearable heights. My whole body craved her when I was not with her. The feel of her lips left me wanting more. The careful lines that I drew to keep her safe were constantly being blurred.

Do I have the strength or even the resolve to do what is right? Would this be the time that I finally stopped being so damned selfish? In Arizona she tried to get me to promise her that I would not leave her. However I could only confess that I was not strong enough to stay away from her. Even a few months earlier than that, during our first lunch after the incident in Port Angeles, we debated who cared for whom the most. She felt that I did not care as strongly for her as she did me. She said it was because she wasn't trying to say goodbye. Her perception was spot on. I tried to explain that if I could make myself leave, it proved I cared the most. I would hurt myself to keep her safe.

That's what it keeps coming down to, what price I would be willing to pay to keep Bella safe. Tonight, the price for her being in my life was nearly her death. What is her life worth to me? All along I have been telling Bella that her staying human is my priority. She deserved a long full life. Would she get that if I stayed in her life? How long would it be before another catastrophe happened and she was fatally wounded?

I repressed a shudder as images of Bella's broken body flew through my mind. There would be no doubt what I would do. Especially if Bella was hanging on between life and death, I would do the unspeakable; I would beg Carlisle to save her. I could not live without her and to have the chance to keep her with me forever, I was overjoyed and disheartened all at once.

Frustratingly, I found myself back at my original dilemma. I needed Bella to stay human; I could not allow her to be placed in a position of danger, at least if I could prevent it. The choice was obvious, but it caused me such inner turmoil. How would I ever be able to do it? I would have to inflict pain on Bella to make it work. But even that thought caused a spasm of pain to arc through me. Somehow I knew I needed to find the strength. Bella's life depended on it.

Just then, Bella snuggled closer and sighed. Even in her sleep she was comforted by my presence. Gently, I rubbed soothing circles on her back. Unconsciously I buried my face in her hair, inhaling deeply. The fire burned down my throat to the empty pit of my gut. I wanted this, to burn, to feel the pain. Even though it was all metaphorical, I wanted to burn my heart to ashes; suddenly I had no more use for it.

Trailing kisses in her hair, her cheek, her jaw line, the soft slope of her shoulder, I found my will beginning to crumble. This was much harder than I thought. Forcing the image of Bella bleeding in the forefront of my brain, I finally pulled away.

"I love you Bella. I am so sorry." Slowly, I untangled Bella from me and covered her back up. Leaping from the window I looked back up into her room.

"Edward," she sighed into her dreams. "Don't go." In that instant my entire being shattered into a thousand pieces. My insides resembled fractured glass, a spider web of broken fragments. The force of the pain stole my breath away. Try as I may to breathe, I could only manage shallow gasps. My body shuddered with the attempt to hold the agony inside.

I took a shaky step forward and Bella whimpered. Even while asleep, she knew what I was doing. I would never be able to do right by her. Anger erupted throughout my body, fast, hot and furious. The urge to scream and howl at the injustice of it all engulfed me. I welcomed it; I used it to propel me into action. Step by step, I walked away from Bella, from the only love I had ever known.

I should have expected it, but I was too wrapped up in my anger and pain to think much beyond it. Slowly, I was retreating within myself, working hard to keep everything else out. That's the only reason why I never heard her furious thoughts until she flung them at me.

_You're leaving! _Even in her mind her trilling voice was almost shrieking.

I was in no mood for her; she had no idea, no clue about anything. She lived in a perfect world. I hated her immensely for it.

"Did you say anything to them?" No way was I going to explain myself to her.

"Answer my question, Edward. Are you leaving?" She punctuated every word of her question. Her eyes were narrowed into little slits, anger emanated off her.

"I don't know, Alice. Why don't you tell me what you saw? That's why you're out here. You already know. So let's stop playing these games." I glared at her. The tension and fury had to be radiating out of my every pore.

Her body shook with indignation. "I am not playing anything, Edward. I don't know what you're planning on doing. The future is fuzzy, you have not committed to whatever decision you're weighing. That's why I am here. To make sure you don't make the wrong one."

"The wrong one? For who? You? Me? Bella? All I have made in the last few months are wrong choices. It has done nothing but bring misery and grief and suffering to everyone." Words were flowing fast and frantic. I could no longer keep them bottled up.

"I have been selfish far too long Alice. It's time I faced the facts. If leaving is what it takes to make sure she suffers no longer, I will do it. She deserves so much more than what I can give her." We stared each other down, almost daring the other to make a move. This would be one show-down I _would _win.

"Stop being such a martyr. It's rather pathetic." Alice would not back down; her anger pushed her like it pushed me. Even her thoughts were angry; she threw words and pictures at me so fast, I did not bother to pay attention. It was all meaningless anyhow.

"I'm pathetic? What about you? Are you so willing to over look what happened tonight just so you could have a friend?" It was a low blow and I knew it. All Alice has ever wanted was Bella to be a part of this family. Next to me, she loved Bella immensely. But I was lashing out, transferring my anger and hurt. It could no longer be contained inside me, it was far too great.

Alice's face fell, misery etched clearly in her features. "That's not fair Edward and you know it. I love her, we all do. We would never do anything to hurt her. We all want to protect her." My eyebrows arched at that last statement. I made to rebuke her when she added quickly, "Jasper feels horrible, weak. He can't believe what he almost did." Her voice ended on a whisper, a plea for me to understand.

Images of her finding Jasper in the woods invaded my mind. The look of pure horror was written all over it. His body shook with tearless sobs. I had never seen Jasper cry. He was sitting on his heels rocking back and forth, pounding the earth in frustration. Alice silently wrapped her thin arms around him and held him close. She looked like a mother soothing a frightened child.

_Alice, I am so sorry, I wouldn't… I...what did I do? _His lips moved but no words were coming out; he could not express his sorrow with mere words.

_Shh, I know. It's ok. She is ok. It will be ok. Bella doesn't blame you. She made sure that I would tell you that. _

I couldn't watch. I closed my mind to the images and glared at Alice. This wasn't about Jasper and his pain and regret. It was about right and wrong. For the first time I was going to do the right thing. Even if that meant I had to destroy my sister's spirit.

"_You _love her? No, you only think you love her." My words were slow, calculated and cold. Alice had no clue, no concept of the damage we had done, could do to Bella. "Well I have news for you Alice, it's nothing. It's not even close to the love I feel. I love her with all that I am, with every fiber of my being. It is because I love her that I have to do this. For once, think of someone besides yourself. I am." There was no mistaking the bite in my tone. I meant every word.

Needing to get out of here before I did or said something more I would regret later, I began to walk away, but Alice gripped my arm and spun me around. It was such an automatic move, that there was no way I could have avoided it or her vicious expression.

"How dare you! You're being an ignorant jerk." Her amber eyes burrowed into mine, and fury made her quiver slightly. "To think that you are the only one who is suffering; to believe that you get to make all these choices for everyone else around you. You think you know what's best. Well, you're wrong. You don't know anything" Her emotions passed too quickly on her face for me to process them, and I really did not have the strength to do so. I just wanted to get away from her. She did not understand what it took for me to get where I was, and I was not going to explain. The longer I stood defending my choice the more I feared I would find a way out of it.

"I know that I am giving Bella the best chance at life. To go to college, find a real person to love," my gut twisted painfully at the thought of Bella with someone else. "She will be able to get married, have kids, grow old and when her time is up, find peace in heaven. If I stay, that won't happen, she will die too soon. There are too many ways for her to get hurt." Wanting her to feel the full force of my next question, I made sure my eyes captured hers.

"If you truly love her, do you not want what is absolutely best for her? To make sure she has the best possible life?" The hand that was holding me in place dropped suddenly.

Even though Alice's thoughts were a cloud of emotions, I could sense she wanted to debate this with me. She hoped she could talk me out of this, help me find reason. It was useless; I knew what needed to happen.

"It's not up for discussion anymore; we are leaving, the sooner the better. There is nothing more to say." Before she could even respond I ran past her in a rush of wind and moving tree branches. Hearing that she was not that far behind me, I pushed myself to run my fastest. I needed to get to Carlisle before she did. The house came into view and I raced up the steps of the porch and into the front room.

Alice, not one to let another get the last word, she screamed out as she ran into our yard, "No, we are not leaving! Edward, this is crazy! You're being a fool!"

Hearing this sudden outburst, my entire family sped into the living room, confusion and puzzlement evident on all their faces. Alice strode up to me ignoring the rest, rage furrowing her features. "You may get to make stupid decisions for yourself, but you do not get to tell everyone else what to do. It doesn't work that way, it never has and you know it."

She was right, big decisions like the one to leave a place were always made as a family, each getting a chance to air their opinions and thoughts. But this time, I was circumventing it all, in order for things to be made right, no one could stay behind. Whatever it took, I would make sure we all left Bella to the life she should have.

Alice stood in front of me, arms crossed and her golden eyes narrowed. Her thoughts were smug; she felt she backed me into a corner. But I held an ace, one that would guarantee we would all be leaving. However, this was not the place to play it. It would be between Carlisle and I. She would know what was happening as soon as Carlisle agreed.

The thoughts of those around us bombarded my brain. Try as I might, I could no longer keep them out.

_They look so upset, maybe I should step in. I worry they will get hurt. _As usual Esme only worried about us getting hurt. She did not realize it was too late for me. I felt shattered inside.

_What's got Edward all pissed now? Knowing him, it's some trivial matter to do with Bella. But Alice said something about leaving. There is no way we are, I am not ready to move. _Rosalie's self-centered thoughts were nearly my undoing. If it wasn't for Emmett standing next to her, I would have sent her flying into the kitchen.

_Whoa, Edward and Alice going at it, now this is something different. It's got to be about Bella. _Emmett is much more perceptive than we ever give him credit for.

Although Jasper's thoughts were calm, he looked ready to spring to Alice's defense in a second if I made a move towards her. Part of me wished he would make a move; it would give me a reason to tear into him. I was not ready to offer my forgiveness or hear his apologies. Carlisle kept looking between Alice and I, he was putting the pieces together faster than anyone else in the room. It wouldn't be too long before he intervened.

The silence in the room was thick with tension and heightened emotions. My skin felt itchy and tight all at the same time. Chaotic emotions bubbled through me. One second all I wanted to rage against all that was happening, then later the urge to sink into a ball and shut down would take over. Violence and loathing, sadness, grief and guilt raced inside, I felt adrift and I just wanted to drown.

Ever so slow, Carlisle stepped closer and moved in between Alice and me, as we were continuing to glare at each other. It was a stalemate and both of us were stubborn enough to not give in. A gentle hand was placed on my arm and leading me out of the room. He guided me outside and without talking, we ran into the forest and over the river bank.

In compatible silence we ran. Neither of us led, we just ran side by side with no destination in mind. The normal joy that accompanies my runs was absent. Everything was muted; sounds, colors, smells; it was comforting and disconcerting all at the same time. Maybe if I could just turn it all off, to become numb, I could survive. I held fast to that thought, it was my life preserver.

We reached an outcrop of rock that over looked the rest of the range. In a fluid synchronicity, we sat down and looked out at the view before us. The crescent moon hung high in the sky, giving the rocks a silvery glow. The tips of the pines and trees were aglow. Pulling my knees up, I wrapped my arms around them. For the first time since my transformation, I felt tired. There was nothing left of me to give.

Carlisle sat with me. He never questioned, out loud or in his thoughts. He focused on the view before him and amazed at the beauty of nature. In our many years together, he learned that I would talk when I was ready. Problem was, to say the words to him, the ones that would set everything into motion, would make it all final. There would be no turning back. It was petty of me to stall, delay what I knew was right.

Taking a deep breath, I began, "Do you remember, about eight months ago, we went hunting together? It was after my first day back from Denali." Of course he would remember, perfect vampire memory and all. It was childish of me to start this way, but if he could figure it all out, without me having to say the words, maybe it won't hurt so much.

"Yes," he said simply. Again, his thoughts betrayed nothing; his mind was calm and blank. He was going to make me say it. Somewhere I looked into myself, I needed to find the strength. If I thought this was hard, when I finally had to tell Bella...

I couldn't complete the thought, my chest felt tight, like it was being crushed. I pulled my arms tighter around my legs, like I was keeping myself from falling apart. A few deep slow breaths did nothing to dispel the sensation. My eyes must have been frantic, for Carlisle put his arms around my curled up body and held me close.

_Please talk to me Edward. I can't help you if I don't know what is wrong. _He rubbed soothing circles on my back. It took a few moments before I realized I was crying choking tearless sobs that trembled through my body. Gently, Carlisle hummed one of his favorite hymns as he comforted me. It was the perfect balm for my nerves. I summoned what nerve I had left and poured everything out.

"On that day, you said I only had to ask, and we would all go. Well, I am asking, no, I am telling you, we all need to go. I can't have Bella living in danger anymore. Every day that she is with me, she is living on the edge. What Jasper did, it was only what I expected. I am a monster, one that constantly craves her blood." I untangled my limbs from Carlisle and the ball I was in and began to pace the small outcrop. Now that I had started, I had to get it all out, like a confession.

"I want her to live a long healthy, human life. With me, with us in her life, I am afraid that will not happen. If leaving will give her that chance, I need to do it, for her. She is the most important person in my life and I will do anything to keep her safe." Looking at Carlisle, I pleaded for him to understand.

_If she stayed human, you know that she would eventually die, right? _Carlisle felt silly asking the question. But he did not understand what I would do when she died.

"Yes," I whispered. "Then, I will find a way to follow her as soon as I could. If she no longer existed, there is no reason for me to continue on. I'd rather live out of her life to give her the chance at a life, then stay in it and have it cut too short." I was staring out at the vast wilderness, lost in my own thoughts, pondering my own final death.

_Edward, you can't be serious, can you? Why take such drastic measures? What happened tonight was a mistake, a horrible mistake. But you were able to protect her. You kept her safe from Jasper. You have always been able to keep her safe. _Carlisle's thoughts were frantic. He did not want to lose me.

Anger flared deep inside, he just didn't understand. "That's the problem, Carlisle. Ever since I decided I wanted her, _needed_ her in my life, she has been in danger; danger from me, from James, from my very family. I can't have her live like that, I won't. She deserves so much more than I can give her. Please, I need to do this. I have been selfish when it comes to her far too long. I am going to do the right thing." The wall of rock next to me had no chance as I punched it in frustration. It felt as if no one understood the dire circumstances Bella was in if I stayed in her life.

_I don't understand Edward. Are you saying that you are leaving because you love her too much to stay in her life? Where does that leave you? You have been forever altered by the love you share with Bella. Can you walk away from that? _

Leave it to Carlisle to go straight for the heart of the matter. He wanted to know if I was strong enough to leave her, when so many times in the previous months I was not. I debated with myself and always found a reason to stay, because I am selfish. Even now, the thought of some other man in her life made me sick. But none of that mattered anymore.

Shaking my head, I tried to help him understand. "I am afraid, Carlisle, very afraid. If I stay in her life, there is no certainty she will live a long life, that by my very existence, her life could be cut short. All I have ever wanted was to stay in her life, for however long that was, sixty, seventy, even eighty years or more. Now, with all that has and could happen to her, what if I don't get those years, Carlisle? I could not live with that, not knowing I could have done something to save her." My breathing was ragged, pleading and desperation hung in the air between us. The desire to have one person who understood how I felt was crushing. If Carlisle could not understand, I did not think anyone else would.

Without any warning, Carlisle thought of Bella, pale skin, marble hard with red gleaming eyes. _But, Alice she saw this, even though you don't want it to happen. Yet, it would allow you to be Bella forever. I get to have you longer. I don't want to lose you. Plus, Bella wants this life. She wants you, forever. _That Carlisle would contemplate that it was ok to take Bella's soul, so as to not lose me, made me cringe.

"I will _not _take her soul away. I can't, I will not do that. It is the most ultimate selfish act I could ever do." Conviction echoed in my every word. I did not have Carlisle's endless faith in this world, in an afterlife for our kind, in our souls. We debated this issue countless times in the century we had been together. Neither of us was able to sway the other. So we politely agreed to disagree. That's why Carlisle could change Esme; he did not feel he was damning her soul.

Carlisle held up his hands in a gesture of understanding. _I see that this is what you think is right. But I will have my say. I think this is too rash of a decision. I fear there will be ramifications that you have yet to think about. If you need us to leave, we will. I did promise you that, and I will honor it. But I beg you to give your choice very serious consideration. What would your leaving do to Bella?_

His soft amber eyes looked deep into me. He watched as his words sunk in. Maybe this was rash, but the obligation I had to Bella and her safety took priority. The only ramifications would be to me, I would feel pain, of that I was sure. Carlisle was right in that I have been deeply altered by Bella's love. There would be no one else for me. I hoped that Bella would be able to move on, quickly. It was the least that she deserved.

"Thank you. I have given it much thought, just not tonight, but every day that I have been with Bella. This is what I need to do." All Carlisle could do was nod. He sensed there was going to be no more discussion. _Let's get back. We need to tell the rest. _We both took off into the inky forest and headed home.

Although telling the rest would not be easy, having Carlisle give me his word that we would go, gave me some courage to face my family. Out all of them, Alice would be the one who would protest the loudest. She really did love Bella, I have always known that. Like me, she loved Bella before she was really a part of our lives. Carlisle would let her air her opinions, but when it came down to it, we would go.

As expected, they were all waiting for us as we entered the house. Esme went to Carlisle and they embraced. They stared at each other; the silent communication between two perfectly matched lovers needed no words. Esme's shoulders slumped as she saw what would happen. Carlisle gathered her into his arms and kissed her hair. His hands rubbed soothing circles on her back.

"This is a colossal mistake, Carlisle. He is over reacting." Leave it to Alice to break the silence and get to the point.

The others chimed in both verbally and in their mind as they finally pieced together that we were leaving. I winced as the noise washed over me. My mind was already so fragile, that I could not contain it all. I fell into the couch that was closest and hung my head in my hands. It was useless, but I needed to block it all out. I couldn't take much more.

Above the din, Carlisle's calm voice reached us all. "We are leaving. I promised Edward that if he needed us to leave, we would. No questions asked." His gaze fell on each of my siblings one by one. I watched through his eyes. Rosalie was smug, Emmett was surprised and disappointed. Alice was pissed and sad; Jasper was focused on Alice, trying to comfort her. He had no opinion on the matter, he went where she went. Esme was concerned, Carlisle was supportive.

"Where will we go?" Esme was always so practical. She gazed at me and whispered, "When did you want us to be gone?" I saw that it pained Esme to leave this house; it was her favorite place to live. Guilt for taking her away from this washed over me, but I pushed it aside, now was not the time or place.

"As soon as we can. I plan to stay behind, talk to Bella. Tie up the loose ends." Knowing it had to be said, I turned towards Alice. I wiped all emotion off my face as I laid down a few final demands. "I think it would be better if I said good bye for you, Alice. It will be easier that way. Lastly, don't be looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage."

Giving her no room for discussion, I left. Needing to get the voices out of my head, I ran until I heard nothing but silence. The quiet pressed all around me, enveloped me and gave me little comfort. The solitude gave me a chance to bolster my courage and strength to do what I needed to. What I had to go through with my family was nothing compared to the turmoil of saying good bye to Bella. Just thinking about it made my insides churn and a lead weight fall into my gut.

How was I going to do it? What would I have to say? I would need to convince her that I no longer loved her. That would be the only way to leave her and give her a clean slate on life, a chance for her to start fresh in her life. But Bella knew how much I loved her, I told her every second I could and it was in everything I ever did. How do I begin to unravel myself from her life, from her love? It seemed impossible, and the effort needed to do it just might crush me.

Slowly I walked towards Bella's house; there were still pretenses that I needed to keep up. Until I could find the time that was right, I need to act as if nothing has changed.

I scaled the outside of her house and climbed silently into her room. The scent of her hit me full force, the fire roared within me. Sitting in her rocking chair I watched her sleep. With her scent swirling all around me and the absolute beauty of her sleeping form, I nearly began rationalizing ways to stay. _No, I could not stay,_ I silently scolded myself; I was a danger that did not need to be in her life.

The urge to cry was crushing, grief like I had never felt before came in waves and waves. There was no way I could leave her, I was not strong enough to do it, and I needed her too much. Panic and anxiety collided inside me, the sheer weight of it all chipped away at my shattered being. Curling back into the ball, I rocked gently in her chair. The fear, panic and anxiety took control and I let myself drown.

The faint rays of morning shook me from my reverie. Bella would soon wake and I needed to pull myself together. Knowing that my seconds were numbered, I just gazed at her. Memorizing everything about her, cataloguing her features, they would be the images I relied upon later.

There was the slight part of her lips as she slept, the way her chestnut tresses fell in a mess around her face, t he gentle curve of her collar bone and her shoulder. The lusciousness of her lips, the pearly color of her skin. Breathing deeply, I took her scent in, freesia, strawberries and lavender, all uniquely Bella. The fire and burning of my throat, the scorching heat it caused as it made me burn. My body hummed with her scent; passion, joy, love all combined in a deliciously painful explosion inside me. This is what I would take with me, these were my memories of her, imprinting upon my brain and psyche.

Soon enough Bella started to move and slowly come into consciousness. I schooled my features to be blank, revealing nothing. Slowly her eyes opened and I committed them my memory, the warm depths of her eyes. They are the windows of her who she was; a gateway to her soul. Before she could examine me too closely, I broke eye contact. She did not say a word, just merely gazed at me. She searched for something, trying to look intently into my eyes. Anxiety flooded her expression. She was worried about me. The pain of this knowledge did not help; it only reaffirmed how difficult of a job I had to do.

Like I had done countless days before, I kissed her before I left to change for school. Being a Cullen I was meticulous in keeping up the routine, and even though I knew so much had changed, the time had not come for me to say goodbye.

Back at home, there was much that had changed. Esme had begun preparing the house for storage. Paintings were taken down, the décor and trinkets removed. My siblings were up in their rooms also making moving preparations. In my room, someone had already begun to pack my music and books. A few days worth of clothes were left on my couch. I picked one to change into and then went to find Carlisle. He was in his study, sorting through his vast book collection; poetry, medical journals, history, art and science. The bareness of this room struck a chord of sadness. Not having the mental fortitude to deal with such an emotion, I pushed it aside.

"Do we have a plan yet?" Part of me hoped that he would say no, which in turn would give me even more precious time with Bella. But it was a wasted dream, for we were all too good at packing up and walking away.

"Yes. We are going to the house outside Vancouver. From there we will work out a larger plan. I spoke to the hospital and told them that I received an offer from Los Angeles and was not able to pass up such an opportunity." Perfect, Los Angeles was the last place that a family of vampires would go. Bella would see through it in an instance. But the effect was the same; it would be a dead end for her. Eliminating her ability to try and track us down.

Our house in Vancouver was a staging place. We rarely stayed there for very long, using it primarily as a stopping place until a more comprehensive strategy could be set into motion. From Carlisle's thoughts I knew that it had not been rented out in the last six months. He contacted the property manager and informed him that we would be coming for a brief stay. The story was that Carlisle was looking into turning it into a private medical office and wanted to get the feel for the place.

Once there, we could decide where we wanted to go and set up our new lives. I cared nothing for the actual plans. All I wanted was for us to leave Forks. The rest was inconsequential. The things of importance to me I would be leaving behind. I had nothing to look forward to.

"How soon will you all leave?"

"We are trying for tomorrow. With only four of us doing the work, it may take us a bit longer to get things done." His words surprised me, but the thoughts shocked me, as he replayed what happened after I left.

Jasper felt responsible for my decision to leave Bella and Forks. Although he knew I would not change my mind about leaving, he felt he needed to get away. The shame he felt for almost killing Bella was too much to deal with. Add in the heighted emotions of everyone else, and Jasper was drowning in a sea of crushing emotions. He could no longer be around us, and he decided to leave. Alice, already heartbroken and grieving the loss of Bella, went with him. The last Carlisle had heard Alice was trying to convince Jasper to go to Denali.

"I did not mean to chase everyone away. I am only doing what I think is right." Shame colored my voice. I was making a major mess of things and I could see no way to make it right.

"We all understand. Jasper needed time to come to grips with his actions. He feels weak and that is a hard emotion for him to handle. I am sure they will meet up with us in Vancouver. He just needed a few days of space and peace." There was no condemnation in his voice, only compassion and unwavering support. I did not deserve it; I was letting him down.

There was nothing I could say, so I left and went to school to wait for Bella. It was hard to stay composed, the sights at home threw me off balance and I had nothing to help me regain my footing. When Bella finally arrived at school, I knew my face was not as composed as it was earlier this morning and she noticed. Opening her truck door, she searched my face. I did not know what she found.

"How do you feel?" It felt like the only safe thing to ask. Too many other questions would lead us into a slippery slope, and I was not prepared to go there, for now.

"Perfect." She replied, but the cringe on her face gave her lie away. Should I question her further? Take her to see Carlisle? The desire care for her was instinctual. But, if I took her home, she would see what was happening and I did not want her to find out that way.

Ever so slowly, we walked to our class. The mood around her was pensive and hesitant. I expected that she would want to talk, to question me. Her silence was maddening and a relief. I still had no clue what I would say, when and where. Was there ever a perfect time to say goodbye to the love of your life?

We continued like this throughout the morning. Quiet, slowly, anxious. The war between my selfishness and what was the right thing to do was constant. I was afraid of the emotions that may have been playing across my face. In my peripheral vision, I watched her and the emotions that passed across her face. Concern, anxiety, confusion, pain were the more common ones.

We seemed stiff, awkward around each other. I hated it and understood the necessity of it. We rarely talked, but what would we say to each other? I couldn't tell her how I loved her, not knowing that I would be leaving, it seemed cruel. So the only thing safe to talk about was her arm, that grim reminder of why I had to leave her. I asked her several times during the day how it was. She always replied in monosyllabic answers. I fought the urge to probe deeper and really make sure she was ok. The silence around us was deafening. I never wanted the ability to read her mind more than right now. Not knowing how she was feeling and what she was thinking, it was maddening. I needed to prepare to tell her tonight.

As we walked into the lunch room, Bella began to scan the room. She was looking for Alice, I was certain. Of course, she would want to talk to her friend about last night. She knew Alice would tell her whatever she wanted to know. I made the right call in keeping Alice from Bella; it would be easier for them both this way. Even after we had sat down, her eyes never stopped searching for Alice. I anticipated her question when her search was fruitless.

"Where's Alice?" Anxiety was clearly evident in her eyes. A spasm of guilt racked my body. I was stupid for thinking that this was going to be easy, that Bella would not notice every little thing that was different.

My eyes never left the granola bar I was reducing to dust, "She's with Jasper." Keeping it as close to the truth was a priority. Too soon a multitude of lies would have to be uttered; I wanted to give her as much truth for as long as I could.

"Is he ok?" Her obvious concern for my brother, even after all that had happened would have made me smile. Instead, today it was only more proof of how hard it would be for me to remove my family's presence from Bella.

"He's gone away for a while." Soon it will be me as well; I kept the frown from showing on my face.

"What? Where?"

Honestly, I did not care. I had not found the desire to talk to Jasper, much less forgive him for what happened. Shrugging, I answered simply, 'Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," the desolate sound in her voice made me ache. Desire to wrap my arms around her and kiss the pain away was sharp. How could I even think to walk away from this amazing creature? Anger flared, but I beat it back, I deserved all this pain and more, it was my punishment for being in her life for too long.

"Yes," I choked out. "She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

Her shoulders drooped and her head fell forward. My access to her eyes was cut off, but I knew this pose well. She was feeling guilty, for no reason. She had done nothing wrong. All she ever did was love me, love my whole family. Not once did she condemn us for who we are, or show fear. She was trusting, warm and open. It was more than I could have ever dreamed was possible.

Feeling at a loss for words, I asked the only thing I had said to her all day long, "Is your arm bothering you?" I was such a coward.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" Her anger was endearing. I let the tone of my tiger kitten burn into my memory.

Eventually, the day ended. All I wanted to do was escape. My fragile insides were a mess. The shattered pieces were slowly falling away, leaving holes. Like every other day, I walked her to her truck. The silence must have been too much for Bella, she had questions and she wanted answers.

"You'll come over later tonight?" She tried to keep the hope out of her voice, but it was there. She was worried that I would not be there. Confusion set in on my part; why did she not want me to come over now? What did she need to do before I arrived?

Unable to figure it out, I inquired, "Later?"

For a fraction of a second, pleasure spread across her features, but she quickly wiped it away. What was that about, what was pleasing?

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

Vague recollections of Alice making such an arrangement for her party came into focus. It all seemed as if happened a million years ago than thirty six hours ago. "Oh," was all I could say.

"So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Uncertainty made her face pucker. My hand twitched as it ached to smooth it out.

"If you want me to." I was sure my abysmal behavior today was cause enough her to want me to stay away. Perhaps it was that thought that made what she said next so surprising.

"I always want you." Her deep chocolate eyes bored into me, the love and conviction was as clear as day. That simple phrase said so much on so many levels, and I wanted to cry. She was not making this easy on me. It would be so simple if she would push me way, tell me that she hated me. Instead, I get her unconditional love. She looked at me expectantly.

"All right, then." Kissing her forehead, I left her and walked to my car. If I was human, I would not have been able to stop the tears from falling. Instead, I had to work hard to keep my shoulders from shaking; I did not want her to see me crumbling.

**A/N: Sad, isn't it? Please tell me what you thought.. all you have to do is click that little button. Please? For me?**


	7. Ch 6 Saying Goodbye

**A/N: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters...the wonderful Ms. Meyer does! OK, everyone..here it is...the goodbye. Grab your kleenex or favorite teddy bear. A huge shout out to Bethflower..here is the chapter you have been waiting for.. I hope you like it. To CullenandSwan1993 and PisceanPal23...thanks for your help! Reviews are appreciated and responded to!**

Saying Goodbye

Once in my car and out of the school parking lot, I hit the acceleration and watched as the tress flew by. I was headed to no particular place, I just wanted to drive. My head was a tangled mess of confusion, hurt and self disgust. My entire body felt ravaged and bruised, my breathing was labored and shallow. Replays of Bella's anxious and fearful face floated in my mind, nothing I did would turn them off.

She was smart; she knew there was something wrong. I would bet everything I owed that she is afraid to start asking questions, for she didn't know the safe ones to ask. That is why my coming over tonight was important; she was hoping to figure out what's going on. Panic flooded my body; I was not ready to say goodbye. A small bark of a laugh escaped me. I would never be ready. There is no way to prepare for what I had to do. I was stalling, I wanted to milk every possible second I could with the time I had left. Once again, I was being selfish.

I drove through the mountains and forest, the road and pines trees just a blur as I streamed past them. Normally going this fast would excite me, but I felt nothing. The world was beginning to lose its luster and appeal. The time on my dash indicated that it was time for me to get to Bella's. I swung a hard u-turn and raced to the only sanctuary I had ever known, just to destroy it.

When I arrived at Bella's she was not there and part of me rejoiced. Charlie was sitting and watching TV. I would use that as a distraction. Charlie answered the door when I knocked and invited me in.

"Bella is not home yet, but you can come in. I just ate pizza, do you want some?" For the first time in quite some time, Charlie's thought were rather benign towards me. The timing of it was just another irony of this whole sordid affair. I'd rather he still harbored a grudge against me; his anger could fuel my own.

"Thanks, Charlie, but I ate before I came over. What game is on?"

"It's only SportsCenter. There isn't a game on tonight." We both walked into the living room, sat down and Charlie instantly became engrossed in breakdown of the days sporting news. I stared at the screen, but didn't comprehend what I was seeing. Scenarios of how I would start the most painful conversation of my long existence played out in my head. I didn't want Charlie present; this was between the two of us. Her room held too many wonderful memories for me to tarnish it with lies and betrayal. I could go outside, into the forest that bordered their yard, but it was getting dark, and I could not leave her in the dark. The selfish part of me rejoiced that I would have to wait another day. The rest of me wanted to scream out in frustration. My pain and guilt intensified deep inside.

It only got worse as I heard Bella's truck as it rounded the corner and drove up to her house. Locking down my emotions, I made my face neutral and impassive. Before she was fully in the door, Bella was calling out in excitement, "Dad? Edward?"

Hearing her eager voice made every nerve ending in my body want to rush to her side and encase her in my arms. Would this instant reaction to her voice, her mere presence ever cease? Charlie answered her quickly, "In here." I heard her taking off her coat and walking into the room. I kept my focus on the moving figures on the TV.

"Hi." Her voice was timid and uncertain. I could feel her survey the room, taking in her father and I. She would find it odd, of that I had no doubt. Normally I was at her side as soon as she was home, not sitting and barely talking.

Again, Charlie saved me from saying anything, "Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay." She stood in the doorway, watching and staring. I had to say something, I couldn't continue being rude. Putting a slight smile on my face I finally looked at her. Her warm chocolate eyes were wide and questioning. Her body swayed ever so slightly as if she was trying to keep from running to me.

"I'll be right behind you." I turned back to the TV. If I continued to look at her, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from going to her. It was time for me to distance myself from her. By doing so, I hoped it would make it easier on her to move on with her life, to begin living it like she should.

Covertly I watched as she simply looked at me, perplexed by my bizarre actions. For a fleeting moment the panic and anxiety clouded her eyes. But before I could really see if I was right, she fled into the kitchen.

I listened intently to her movements, but she hardly made any. She sat in her chair, but I did not hear her reach for the pizza. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw as she wrapped herself into a ball. Her entire body looked agitated. Her face was puckered, and she was intensely thinking. Emotions darted across her face, too fast for me to fully read them. Curiosity flared and I was drawn to her. Watching her, knowing she was deep in contemplation and not knowing what she was thinking, it was frustrating. But I no longer had the right to know her thoughts or to be involved in her life.

She toyed nervously with her birthday gifts from her parents. The camera held her attention the longest and it made her utter a low chuckle. Without saying a word, she dashed up the stairs and into her room. Both Charlie and I looked up and then at each other. He shrugged and turned back to the TV. Reluctantly I did the same.

I pondered whether I should just leave. I already determined that I would not be able to talk to her tonight, so what was the point in my staying? My strange behavior was noticeable and even though she had said nothing, I knew it bothered her. All I was doing was causing pain to us both. My pain was a fair price to pay, but I did not want Bella to be hurt. Was there any way to do this without hurting her? I was beginning to think that was impossible.

Her steps sounded on the stairs as she made her way back down. She hesitated at the bottom and then I heard the click and saw the flash of her camera. She took a picture of me and Charlie. With intense sadness I realized I would need to get these pictures from her. She could have no reminders of me because I wasn't coming back. If she had pictures, surely it would be harder for her move on. I needed to pay attention to the number of pictures I would have to get rid of.

Charlie and I both looked at her and I saw him frown. Bella's eyes locked on mine and sadness filled her eyes. I had nothing to give her that wouldn't cause her more pain, so I gave her nothing in my expression.

"What are you doing, Bella?" complained Charlie. _Why is she taking a picture of me? It was for her and her friends._

Walking over to us, she pasted a smile on her face; it did not match the hurt in her eyes. "Oh, come on." She sank down on the floor in front of her dad and turned her face to him. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?"

"Because you're so handsome. And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects." She was working hard to keep the tone in the room and in her voice light and calm.

"Not if I can help it," mumbled Charlie, but I didn't think Bella heard him.

"Hey, Edward. Take one of me and my dad together." She threw the camera without even looking at me. I caught it easily. But now I wondered why she avoided looking at me.

I framed both of them in the camera viewer. Charlie looked uncomfortable, but Bella, looked sad, confused. The light in her eyes was gone and she did not smile.

"You need to smile, Bella," I reminded her. She tried, but it came out all wrong, I snapped the picture anyway.

"Let me take one of you kids," volunteered Charlie. _Better them than me. _Gently I tossed the camera to him and Bella came to my side. The heat from her body instantly engulfed me. Her scent swirled around her and the familiar flame burned its way down my throat.

Not sure what to do, I just placed my hand on her shoulder. But, Bella, she went all out. She wrapped her warm arms firmly around my waist. She held on tightly. I wondered if unconsciously she knew what I was going to have to do.

"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded her. The flash of the camera added another tally to my count.

"Enough pictures for tonight. You don't have to use the whole roll now" declared Charlie. To prove his point he shoved the camera deep in the sofa cushions and sat on it. Twisting suddenly, I freed myself from Bella's grasp and sank into the chair. Bella hesitated slightly before she sat on the floor near the sofa. The look of terror was plain as was the tremor of her hands. She clenched them tightly to her stomach.

We both stared at the show, but neither of us saw it. The need to flee was crushing; I couldn't take seeing her in pain. The whole point of this was to keep her from hurting her and I felt like a failure. When the show ended I suppressed a sigh of relief and stood up, I needed to get out of here.

"I'd better get home."

"See ya," replied Charlie, he never took his eyes off the TV. Like the coward that I was, I did not speak to Bella, I just walked straight to my car. She followed closely. I anticipated what she would ask seconds before she spoke.

"Will you stay?" Her voice told me she already knew what my answer would be.

"Not tonight." If I did, there would be no way I could wrench myself from her. A tiny spasm of pain clouded her face, but she quickly pushed it away. Before I could act on my urge to hug and kiss her pain away, I got into my car and drove away.

Feeling like I needed to add more fuel to my immense guilt and pain, I watched her in my rear view mirror. She was standing still, obvious to the rain that had begun to fall. But that wasn't the worse; it was the look of dejection and fear. Her eyes never left my car. I felt as if I was granted a glimpse into her mind, for I was sure I heard a plea for me to come back.

Frantic, I just drove, once again to no where particular. Emotions flooded me and I was lost; fear, guilt, love, pain, anger, grief. They were so intense I had to grip the steering wheel as a growl erupted. I was unable to contain myself. Giant holes of my entire being were being chipped away and I could not handle it.

Unconsciously I ended back at home and the silence there shocked me. They were gone. They were able to complete the move and they left. Abandonment, pure and raw, made my body shake. Even Carlisle, the one person I could always count on had left me. Realistically I knew where they went and that I would join them. But, I needed them, their support and even their understanding.

Walking into the living room, the nakedness of it all floored me. White sheets covered all the furniture. The pictures and other decorations were gone. Roaming the rest of the house I saw each room was down to its bare essentials. Carlisle's office was missing the paintings of his life; Esme's desk was devoid of blue prints. Alice's room held no patterns or swatches of fabric; the huge chess game that my brothers loved playing was missing as well.

In my room I found a suitcase with several changes of clothes, a few of my favorite CD's and an envelope. Carlisle's elegant script wrote my name on the outside. An irrational fear of opening the letter threatened to overwhelm me. What if he was telling me to stay away, that they could not agree with my decision to leave Bella? For the first time, I truly felt like a child, fearing a punishment from a parent. With my hands shaking I opened the letter. My father's words filled the page and my mind:

_Edward,_

_We finished ahead of schedule and decided to continue on. _

_We were unsure of how long you would need._

_We await your arrival, anxiously._

_Please know that we love you and if you need us to come back_

_for any reason, don't hesitate. We will come, always._

_Carlisle_

He knew exactly what to say to heal my spirit. Even to the point of giving me an out in my decision. They would come back if I changed my mind. I was not living up to the lofty expectations Carlisle had for me, I always felt as if I fell short. I deserved none of the people who loved me, Bella, Carlisle, Esme, even my siblings. They put up with far too much from me, and even more since Bella came into my life and made it a beautiful chaotic mess.

The silence of the house was deafening and oppressive, I needed to get out. Outside, the cool air blew across my face and I found myself uncertain where to go. For the past six months or more, I spent my nights with Bella. Even now, my feet wanted to automatically take me there; it was engrained in me to go there. Instead, I went to the next best place and took off running.

There was still no joy in my running only desperation to do something, to keep moving. Stillness felt wrong. In a matter of minutes I came to the only safe place I had outside of Bella; the meadow. At night, with barely any light from the moon, it was quiet and dark. Walking into the middle, I sank to the ground and lay down. Memories of the first time I took Bella here came unabated; the look of amazement as I entered the sunlight, the smell of her mixed with flowers, earth and sun, her gently stroking fingertips on my hands and face; our honest declarations of love.

Groaning, I tried to tune them out, but they kept coming, wave after wave. Helpless to do anything, I lost myself in that day, when things were happier and almost easier. We were at ease with each other. Even after my confessions of wanting to harm her, she still held no fear. She even let me trace her features, with soft, tender strokes. Then, the feel as she wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my hair, her heart beating mere inches from where my cheek rested. That was enough for us both. We did not need anything more than to be with each other.

I wasn't sure how many times I re-played that day, each time when I would get to our kiss by her truck; I would start all over again. It was an endless loop of memories and I just let them play. The sky was lightening which was my cue to leave. Slowly and reluctantly I left the meadow, giving one last look as the sun kissed the meadow, only to realize, everything had begun to die. I found it fitting, it was how I felt.

At school I meet Bella once again in the parking lot, but neither of us said anything. The silence and tension was thick between us and as the extremely long day wore on, it only got worse. Bella was distracted, to the point of not being able to do well in class. When Mr. Berty called on her and she had no clue what he wanted, I murmured the answer to her. It was the least I could do for her; it was my fault she was suffering. This was the only time I was thankful I could not hear her thoughts. The emotions I watched flicker across her face was torture enough.

Lunch came and it was the first time Bella had spoken all day, but it wasn't to me.

"Hey, Jess?"

"What's up, Bella?" Jessica was surprised Bella was talking to her when I was around. Then she noticed my face, which I thought was arranged into a mask of indifference. Through her eyes I saw pain and anger clearly. I looked away, I couldn't take my reflection. _Are they fighting? Maybe he will go out with me now? _A growl died in my throat, she had no clue, that no one would ever hold any appeal to me ever again.

"Could you do me a favor," Bella asked politely. She took the camera out of her bag and handed it to her. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, ok?"

_Awesome. _"Sure," she replied with a smile. She reached for the camera and snapped a fast picture of Newton with a mouth full of food. That started everyone clamoring for the camera and taking ridiculous pictures. Silently I kept track of those that may have had a hint of me in them. I would need to find them later on. Whatever Bella hoped to accomplish by letting her friends use her camera, it wasn't working. Her expression never changed; anxiety with a hint of confusion.

"Uh-oh. I think we used all your film." Jessica honestly was sorry, she was not sure if that is what Bella wanted.

"That's okay. I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed." Her tone was strange as if she was trying to convey some message to me. Try as I may, I could not figure out what it meant.

Blissfully the school day was over and I knew Bella would not ask me to come over, she had to work. Walking to her truck, once again in that uncomfortable silence, I sensed Bella's growing agitation. I wondered if I should try to get the camera from her and get the film. But that just seemed all wrong to me, there had to be a better way. A small kiss from me to her and we parted our ways once again.

Sensing my time with her was coming to a close, I made the extremely childish decision to follow her. I pretended to get into my car, but I just bided my time till she left the parking lot. Checking to make sure no one else was around, I sped into the forest and followed the sound of her truck. She stopped at Thriftway and then went to work. I backtracked to Thriftway and discovered she dropped the film off. It was still being developed so there was no chance to grab it there.

After work, she picked the pictures up and went home. I scaled the tree just outside her room waiting for her to appear. I did not have to wait long. Sure enough, there she was with the pictures and a granola bar. Sitting on her bed she inspected the pictures. She made no sounds of any kind and I was puzzled. Surely when other humans look at pictures, there are some that make them laugh, cry, or sigh, something.

The only reaction she made was a gasp. I changed positions to see what caught her attention. It was the first picture she took only a few days ago, but it seemed like a life time ago. Quickly she took out the other two pictures of me and laid them side by side. Even from here I could see the difference, I was sure it would not be lost on her.

The first was the best of the three by far; there was a light in my eyes. The other two clearly showed my strain, distance. It startled me, I thought I was being so careful, to keep things neutral. I did not want to worry Bella and obviously I was failing miserably, like always.

Bella took the pictures and began sorting and placing them in her scrapbook, including captions. She spent all night on her project, almost desperately. She saved the one of us together for last; curiously she folded it in half and placed the side with me up. I wanted to laugh, why she felt I was preferable to look at with all my inhuman features it was beyond me. It was her soft, warm perfection that was preferable. She wrote a note to her mom and packaged an additional set of prints with the letter.

A deep frown was etched on her face, she tried not to glance at the window, but she failed. I knew she was looking for me, waiting for me to show up. I have never stayed away for two nights, even when I went hunting, it was short trips for I did not like to be gone from her for too long. With great resignation, she prepared for bed. Feeling as if I no longer had a right to hear her nightly murmurings, I left.

All alone again, I did not know where to go. Too many places held memories of Bella and I and I could not bear them. Deep inside me I knew the time had come. There were no other delays I could latch on to. The film had been developed; I saw where the pictures were placed. I could no longer be a coward.

Roaming the forest, I made my plans. The pure agony of it all threatened to pulverize my spirit. Frantically I searched for the little strength I had left. All the love I felt for Bella needed to be pushed aside, held under strict lock and key. I could not afford to dwell on them. Like the skilled liar I was, I lined up the excuses I would need to convince Bella that I no longer loved her, that I needed to leave her. My stubborn Bella would not make this easy, she was too certain in the loved that we shared, in my love her. My only hope was to plant just a small seed of doubt and then I could leave. Her human mind would cultivate that seed and soon it would sprout uncertainty and she would be able to move on.

With my plan firmly in place, I ran home to change and pack the last of my belongings. I placed my suitcase in my trunk; there would be no need to come back to this place. Waiting for her in the parking lot, I lost all pretenses in keeping my face neutral. Seeing my face in the minds of others, I realized I found the remoteness I lacked since Bella come into my life. Once again, I was just a haughty Cullen, everyone else didn't matter.

Unexpectedly, school did not seem to drag on, for I zoned out for most of it. I no longer cared to keep up any semblance of normal pretenses. Soon I would lose everything that ever held any meaning for me. I latched on to the cold person I had been for so many years, one who cared for nothing or anyone.

At the end of the day, once again I was walking Bella to her truck, it was now or never.

"Do you mind if I come over today." Pure shock colored her face and she was taken aback.

"Of course not." Her tone of absolute acceptance of me amazed me, even after my horrendous behavior, she still wanted me.

Now?" I pressed her urgently.

"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I was in luck; she had the photos with her. Taking them quickly from the seat of her truck, I placed them in my coat.

"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there." A smile attempted to form on my face. It didn't feel right, I was sure she noticed.

"Okay," she replied simply. She gave me no return smile and I was grateful. Anymore kindness on her part and I may have fallen to pieces.

I sped to her house, parked and scaled the side of the house to enter into her room. Silently and guiltily, I gathered everything up; the pictures, the plane tickets, and my CD. Having no clue what to do with them, I made a rash decision. Finding the loose floorboard in her room I pried it open and deposited everything there. Even though she would never know, I was leaving a small piece of me behind. Running downstairs I penned a quick note in her messy scrawl:

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon. B_

Just in case Bella did something, well, Bella like, I wanted her dad to know where she was. I was leaving her in his care. Back outside, I sat back in my car and waited for Bella to come home. Fortunately I did not have to wait long, her truck rumbled into sight within a few minutes. Taking a deep breath, I got out of my car and walked to her truck. Out of habit, I reached for her bag, but I just placed it back in the truck, her eyes followed me the entire time, nothing escaped her notice.

"Come walk with me." All emotions were pushed aside, all my concentration was at the task at hand. The need to play this right was paramount. The outcome of my actions must result in Bella being able to move on with her life, to forget me. That mantra kept repeating over and over and I focused on it.

Taking her hand I led her into the forest. Not wanting to go far, I stopped just inside the tree line, her house was still visible. Good.

Leaning against a tree, I could only stare at her. My eyes took the time to memorize her every feature, storing it for later retrieval. Bella stared back, but with confusion and panic.

"Okay, let's talk." Where did this bravado come from? If she was instantly defensive, it meant she was gearing up for a fight. She was not going to make this easy on me.

Breathing deeply and not breaking eye contact I responded.

"Bella," her name was pain on my lips, "We're leaving."

This did not seem to surprise her, I wondered what she thought I meant by my statement.

Also taking a deep breath she questioned, "Why now? Another year-" I couldn't let her finish that thought, if she got going it would only be harder.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-tree now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I couldn't begin by telling her I didn't love her, it seemed too cruel.

I watched as Bella processed my words, confusion followed by comprehension. She misunderstood, she thought I was leaving with her, I could read it on her face. Her question confirmed by suspicions.

"When you say we-"she whispered, afraid to say it out loud. So I did it for her.

"I mean my family and myself." Each word was said with absolute clarity and conviction, there would be no misunderstanding.

Stubbornly she shook her head, like she was getting rid of a bad taste in her mouth. I waited. I owed her patience and as much time as she needed to understand the reality of the situation.

"Okay. I'll come with you." Sweet pain and pleasure filled me with her words, how she loved me so. It wasn't fair. I realized that here was where the true pain would begin, a lasting one for me, momentary for her. Tiny pieces of my spirit were crumbling, the holes that had begun in the last few days were widening.

You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." Lie! I was screaming at myself for lying so easily to her. She was always where I would want to be.

She saw through my lie easily. "Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella." Not even close, I did nothing for her but hurt her.

Anger flashed in her eyes but her words lacked the proper force, "Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." She had it all backwards. I was a monster who forced its way into her life and she was the sun in my never ending darkness.

"My world is not for you." No, she should be with the humans, not the monsters.

'What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She instantly got to the heart of the matter, but as always, she got it all wrong.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." We were creatures, slave to our instincts. Jasper was doing what came natural to us all.

"You promised!" She screamed. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay- "Leave it to her to remember what I said, she just forgot one important fact.

"As long as that was best for you."

Fury shook her body, I worried she would hurt herself, never have I seen her so mad. How could I get her to see, to understand, to let go and move on? Would we be here for hours?

"_No! _This is about my soul, isn't it?" Her words were coming fast and frantic. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already."

Her words would have made my heart beat and break all in the same motion if I had one. How could she carelessly throw her soul away? She had no idea what she was saying. There is nothing on this earth that was worth the price of her soul and I was far from worthy. If it was possible, my love for her grew and the realization made me angry. I had no right to love her and be with her.

Looking at the moss covered ground, I forced my face to turn hard, she was forcing my hand. Even though it was short term pain for long term gain on her end, I hated being the cause of it.

Capturing her wide brown eyes with my hard gold ones, I spoke ever so slowly.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Pain ravaged my insides but I forced myself to hold her gaze. To break it would show weakness and expose my vicious lies. Watching her as she attempted to process my words was torture. Any moment she would yell at me her disbelief.

"You…don't…want me?" Her pain was evident in every syllable. Did she believe me? Did she doubt the love I felt, the love I would always feel for her? Agony, disbelief, despair punched at the fragile pieces inside me. The holes were expanding rapidly. Did she never really love me as I thought she did?

Somewhere through the haze in my mind I forced myself to answer her question.

"No."

We just stared at each other. She was searching my gaze for something, understanding, truth, but there would be nothing there. My love for her was in a corner of my being, struggling to break free, to declare how I was lying to her. _This is for your own good, Bella. Please understand that. _The desire to fall on my knees and beg her forgiveness consumed me. Gathering every ounce of courage, strength and resolve I had left, I held my ground, waiting for her process it all.

"Well, that changes things." The calmness in her voice caught me off guard. Was she able to believe the lie, that easily? More holes opened up and I am sure I resembled Swiss cheese. How could I be so wrong about her feelings for me? Maybe she wanted immortality more than she wanted me? Could I have been a means to her end? Regardless of whether she ever really loved me, I would always love her. She will always be my true mate.

Not able to look at her, knowing she never loved me, I wanted to leave her with some truth.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." Oh how I wished I was, for it would allow me to be with her. To marry her, have kids, grow old and die together. Then we could spend eternity in whatever lies beyond, just as long as we were together. Hardening my face once again, I continued.

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't," she pleaded. The torment was written all over her body. Her eyes were wide and scared; her hands were twitching, to keep from reaching out. "Don't do this."

I could only look at her. Her pain was amplifying my own and I wanted to scream and cry. My ability to continue this farce was waning. I searched frantically for words that would make her understand.

"You're not good for me, Bella."

Several times she attempted to speak, her mouth moved in wordless sounds. I simply waited, my fate rested in her hands.

"If…that's what you want."

_What? _She was just letting go? Shock and confusion rang through my mind. I didn't understand what was going on. The pain of her ability to just stop caring for me was intense. Still, it changed nothing. Not trusting my voice, for fear it would come out pleading, I nodded my head yes.

An errant thought crossed my mind and I wondered if I even had the ability to ask one last thing of her. For a brief moment, I allowed my selfish side to shine through.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

Hoped flared and then died just as quickly on her face. I could not stop the guilt from revealing it's self in mine. Rearranging my features I waited for her answer.

"Anything," her voice rich with longing.

I did not deserve her loyalty, and I let myself bask in it for a while. My eyes bored into hers, the electric spark connecting us once again.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I held her gaze, willing her to see how important it is to me that she continues her life. She needed to go on, to do whatever she was destined to do before I stole her from the light. When she finally nodded her acquiescence, I retreated behind my stone mask.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him" _I need you too, Bella. Always have and always will. Take care of yourself for me, too._

"I will," again her voice was nothing more than a whisper. Instantly I relaxed fractionally. I was certain that she wouldn't do something dumb, I could take her at her word.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

He breathing became erratic and she looked unsteady on her feet. The instinct to reach out and help her was immense. To touch her now would be a mistake. One feel of her silky skin and the calming warmth of her body, would undue everything I have done so far. Somehow she found the strength to remain upright and I was able to continue.

"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" The concern was evident in her voice and it only served as further proof that I was undeserving of this beautiful woman. Even after all I have said and done to her, she found enough compassion to worry about me.

"Well-"could I give her the truth, I needed to try. 'I won't forget. But _my _kind …we're easily distracted." I gave her a smile, but it came out all wrong. My control was slipping, I needed to leave.

Taking a slow step backwards I pressed on, "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back," she stated, but her voice was surprised. It was like she just put all the pieces together and the conclusions were coming in a rush.

I couldn't take my eyes off her; I deserved to watch this, her pain, confusion, and shock. I would carry it with me wherever I went. It would haunt me, for I was the cause of it all. No matter how fleeting it was, I caused her to hurt.

Nodding I answered, "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Grief filled her eyes. She truly loved my sister. She would miss her, maybe more than I would know. Just another wound I inflicted that I would have to carry around.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Her eyes glazed over in disbelief, she struggled to breathe normally. I feared that I may have caused lasting harm. Soon her heart calmed and she was able to breathe normally. Relief filled me, she would be ok. I kept that thought in the front of my mind. I needed to believe it if I was to be able to walk away.

"Goodbye, Bella," the words were said on a sigh. Never did I think I could utter them. I began my turn to leave when she cried out.

"Wait!" She reached out and I quickly reached for her arms. My crumbling insides would have melted had she held onto me. The sight of her reaching for me would be forever imprinted into my memories. Pain clear and complete emanated from her, pain that I had caused. I could never forgive myself for this. Letting the selfish side of me out once more I bent forward and laid a light, gentle kiss to her forehead. Her scent scorched its way down my throat, I savored the burn. I inhaled deeply, filling every part of me up with her aroma.

"Take care of yourself." My breath exhaled on her, my way of leaving an invisible mark on her. Childish, but I couldn't stop myself. Before another word was uttered I ran, fast. The shattered pieces truly began to crumble away. Massive holes made up my insides and I was gasping for air. Each intake of air seemed to be incomplete. The silent place of my dead heart was hollow.

How I made it into my car and drive away, I'll never figure out. Tearless sobs wracked my body and I gripped the wheel tightly. On the road just outside Forks, I pulled over. Grief and sadness unlike I had ever experienced consumed me. The waves crashed higher and higher and I had no ability to pull myself up.

Suddenly the door to my car opened, and there stood Carlisle. He wrapped his arms around me and held me as tremors shuddered through me. I held on with all my might and it did not seem strong enough. Carlisle moved me from the driver's side and placed me in the backseat, without saying a word, he continued the drive. Somewhere through my pain I managed to ask him, "How?"

"Alice."

Then the pain pulled me under and I let myself go.

**A/N: This was a hard chapter to write, but I hope you enjoyed it. I see all the wonderful people who have read my story so far...but hardly any reviews. I am interested in your thoughts. Please review..for me? Please!**


	8. Ch 7 Making Adjustments

**A/N: Please forgive the long break in updating. It was not my intention, but with both of my wonderful beta's in school.. I have to work with their free time. But never fear...I plan on finishing the WHOLE book!**

**As always.. I do not own Twilight or anything in the world of Twilight, Ms. Meyer just lets me play with them.**

**Please review.. they are like crack for my soul!**

**This is for you Mineola!**

Making Adjustments

There was numbness; complete and utter numbness and silence. It enveloped me and I did nothing to hold it off. Why should I? It was comforting, wrapping me in its soft embrace. I felt no trace of the pain that I knew was waiting should I ever leave this cocoon. Besides, what was there for me on the outside? There was nothing for me. I left the last and only good thing in my life. This was my punishment for loving her too much and not enough. It was my consequence for existing. An existence that was not real or natural.

Images of her reaching for me, panic and comprehension of what I was doing marked her eyes. That sight would haunt my memories. Even now, it floated in the back of my lids, tormenting me in my solitude. After our last kiss I ran from her and what little strength I had relied on before vanished. I felt like a coward; once again I was running away.

_NO! _All of this was for her, to keep her safe, to let her be human. I sacrificed myself on the altar of her humanity. Whatever the price to assure that she stayed human and kept her soul, I would pay it. I needed to pay it. I could no longer be selfish. She is _the _most important thing in my life. That was what love was all about. Doing what was necessary to protect, honor, and cherish the one you love. Since she possessed no capacity for self preservation, I needed to be the strong one. No matter how it killed me to do so.

Now I want nothing more than to be numb, to float in the darkness. The silence was beautiful and profound. No babbling of voices, no humming static of noise, it felt amazing. I wondered if it could be possible to stay like this. It felt like a cop-out, a way for me to ignore the harsh reality of my choices. But the alternative seemed unbearable. I did not know that such a pain existed. Even the burning heat of my transformation did not hurt as much as walking away from her.

Her face floated in front of me, not saying anything. Her eyes were wide, expressionless. The hurt seemed to be lurking underneath and I cringed. I was fully aware, even in the numbness, that I had put the pain there; I had caused her to hurt. I tried to banish her into the darkness, but she did not cooperate. I was not ready to deal with the memories of her. They were too fresh, too raw, and still tangible. I did not know if I was even worthy of them. Certainly I was not noble enough to warrant being in her life.

Knowing I was traveling down a potentially dangerous path, I searched for something, anything else to think about. My family sprang forth and instantly another problem presented itself. Soon, I would have to face them, and I did not have a clue how to do that. They made a great sacrifice in leaving with me, no questions asked. How could I ever begin to repay them for that? Knowing that not all of them agreed with my choice, I felt compelled to do right by them. The problem was did I even know what was right anymore? Everything felt off to me. It was like I was no longer comfortable in my own skin.

I did not want to worry them; I had put them through too much already. But, I worried if I could even function normally. Could I go through the motions day in and day out? I did not think I could. The amount of energy that would take seemed more than I was capable of. Maybe I shouldn't be around them, perhaps just go off on my own, until I could get a grip. Some part of me enjoyed that thought, to simply be left alone. But I knew they would never allow that. We are a close family, and we love each other fiercely.

To just go and leave them it would only bring more pain and heartache. Wasn't that the whole point of all I was trying to do, to prevent inflicting any more pain on those in my life? Somehow it all needed to stop; I needed to stop causing strife. As the saying went, I have made my bed, now I must lie in it. Even though I was close to a hundred and ten years old, it was time I finally grew up.

There would be pain, of that I had no doubt. But it was _my_ pain and it was all that I deserved. But, to hurt Esme or Carlisle, that was unthinkable. They did nothing but love me, unconditionally and without reservation. Even my siblings, with all their support, did not warrant being subjected to my pain. How could I ever get them to accept that what I did was for the best if I did not come to some terms with myself that it was for the best? I expected Bella to move on with her life; shouldn't I do that as well? All of this was of my making and I alone needed to deal with it. It was time to find a new normal, to accept the decision I have made, with no looking back.

Yes, I would try to do that, on the outside, but I knew that deep inside, I could never move on. I was changed forever, permanently. Her love and the love we shared altered who I was. I could not undue those changes nor did I want to. I would like to believe that for a brief moment, I was becoming a better person, striving to do well, to erase the litany of horrible acts I had committed. I did all this, because I desired to be deserving of her love.

In the silence of my mind, I made adjustments. My memories of her and the few precious months we had were bundled and placed in the furthest recesses of my mind. Feeble bricks were erected to keep them there and from escaping. The pain was scattered, there was too much to be pushed aside. It would be in every breath I took, every action I made, in every word I uttered. That would be my new normal; it was the best I could do. I looked for reserves of strength I had forgotten about. There were shards of it, having been flung aside when my spirit had broken apart. I gathered them; it did not amount to much and I was not sure how long it would last, but it was all that was left.

Slowly, awareness of my surroundings came into focus, the hum of the car, the gentle swaying of the road. I was conscious of the leather seat I was on, of my arms wrapped around my legs. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head. The bright light stung my eyes. Looking out the window I tried to get my bearings, I could not figure out where I was.

Music filled my mind and I realized it came from Carlisle, who was watching me from the rear view mirror. He'd found one of my Mozart CD's and had it playing gently in the background. He was humming the music in his mind, to keep his thoughts from intruding in my mind.

"We just passed Port Townsend." His eyes searched mine, looking for something, but I had no clue what. Through his mind I saw the confusion of his words on my face, comprehension still not fully functioning.

"I drove a bit slower, you appeared to need to time to yourself. I did not want to get to Vancouver before you were ready." How well he knew me, there was nothing he did not understand. I would never be able to repay him for all that he had done for me today. His concern for my well-being was limitless.

"Thank you," I croaked, my throat was tight and dry. I wondered if this was how humans felt after crying, all parched and drained. I certainly did. I was slightly bothered that I could not remember ever crying. There appeared to be a relief that accompanied crying, that it is a way to release pent up emotions. A small part of me wished I could cry for Bella, it felt appropriate. Slowly I unwound myself from the ball I was curled into.

"I am sorry; I hope I did not worry you." The words were insignificant, I was much more than sorry, but it was a start. Warily I watched his eyes through the mirror, preparing for whatever words he had for me. He should condemn me, but that was not Carlisle. Instead I was worried about sympathy, intense and deep. From not only him, but all the others, I would have to hear their every sympathetic thought and I did not know how to brace myself for it.

"There is nothing to be sorry for, Edward." Sincerity rang with each word he spoke. It was in the golden eyes reflected back at me as he also warily watched me in the mirror. "You had to make an impossible decision and that takes strength and courage. I am in no position to judge you. None of us are."

He meant every word and I felt wretched inside. There was no sympathy, just admiration for my strength. If what I did was admirable, why did I feel so awful inside?

"But for me to say that I am not worried, well, I will not lie to you. I am worried; we are all worried about you. I have never witnessed one of our kind leave a mate. We will all do what we can to support you and help you through this difficult time." With that said, his concentration was back on the road, and he began to hum along to the music.

I did not know what to say; there were not enough words to express the gratitude I felt for this man, my father, my creator. His unwavering support and loyalty to me was astounding. I knew that most of my family would support me. Some, well it would take more time. Alice would be the hardest. Out of all of them, she loved Bella the most. They were sisters and as much as I needed my time to grieve, so did she.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught Carlisle looking at the time. He was still driving slower than normal and I was sure he was anxious to get to Esme. It was time to face everyone; it was time to set things right, with everyone, including Jasper.

"You can go faster Carlisle; it's time I put the past behind me." The scenery flashed by on the stretches of roads where he could really push the pedal down. In the towns he slowed down because my mind was occupied and I was no good for detecting police.

I dwelled on the reception that would await me. I did not leave on good terms with anyone, except Carlisle. Esme and Emmett would be easy to deal with; both cared about me in their own way. Esme was ever the fretful mother and Emmett, the obnoxious older brother who said what he felt. Rosalie would be thinking of herself and may be the only one who approved of my leaving Bella. But Alice and Jasper, they would be the hard ones. My fight with Alice was a rare occurrence. We usually stuck together more than the others, our gifts making it a necessity. With Jasper, I knew he was sorry, and if I was honest, he did me a favor. He brought into stark reality the danger that I was putting Bella in. But, before he could even begin to forgive himself, he would need to hear from me that I held no ill will. I could grant him that.

Before much time had passed, I saw the sign declaring that we were entering Vancouver. The massive amount of lights from downtown proper was something to see. It appeared as though everything was lighted in some fashion; it was like the Vegas of Canada.

Like our home in Forks, the house in Vancouver was just outside the city, nestled near the Lynn Headwaters Regional Park. Most of the time, it was rented out to people looking for a bit of an escape from the city. But the last renters had some water damage from a burst pipe. They moved out and basic repairs had been made. From what I could tell, Esme was looking to do a bit of redecorating on it while we're there.

Carlisle took the turn off the main highway and gunned the car forward. His thoughts were no longer on Mozart; instead they were thoughts of Esme. In his mind I saw her look of concern as he left after Alice had told him about me. He never did say goodbye to her, he just dashed out. He made a quick call as he was waiting for Alice to give him a more specific idea of where I would be.

Mentally, I prepared myself for both the mental and physical onslaught from my family. I needed to prove to them and to me that I could survive this. Small amounts of the pain lapped at me as an errant thought of Bella sprang to mind. The image of her reaching for me and the pain in her eyes made me wince. Pushing it to the back of my mind I looked out the window as the house came into view.

It was a three story pale green colonial house. The front held a porch that spanned the entire face of the house. Massive columns supported each end of the porch. The front held a bay window on the entry level and smaller arched windows on the rest of the floors. Dormers stuck out on all four sides on the roof. Lights were blazing in all the windows and I could hear the movement of my family.

Before Carlisle had the car parked, Esme was on the porch. Her hands were clasped in anxious excitement and she only had eyes for Carlisle. _They are safe, thank goodness. I was so worried. Edward looks so sad; this must be hard on him. _I was disappointed to hear that she could see the sadness on my face; I was trying to keep it expressionless.

As Carlisle exited the car, Esme flitted to his side. They shared a tender embrace and clasped hands. The wave of love emanating from them crashed over me. The pain reared up and threatened to pull me under. My knees felt weak and I held onto the car for support. I closed my eyes, trying to block them out. I would not survive if I reacted this way anytime someone embraced.

Most of the time, I tried to tune my family out, to give them some privacy in their thoughts. But when the thoughts were intense, like when my parents reunited, it's hard to keep them out. Somehow I would need to learn the skill of erecting mental barriers. I no longer wanted to be privy to the thoughts of my family, not as long as I was the odd man out. I could not stand to hear their sympathy, their pity for me. It would drive me insane.

Trying to subtly give them some alone time, I crept away, focusing on the jumble of action in the house. Slowly, I tried to push the sound of the voices out of my head, building that block one brick at a time. Soon they were just a dim noise, one that was easily ignored. Taking a deep breath I closed the small gap between the car and the house.

Suddenly, I felt Esme's hand on my shoulder, "Wait, Edward. Can I talk to you?" There was concern layered on each word she spoke.

Carefully arranging my face, to show nothing of the inner turmoil, I faced my mother. I did not speak; I just waited for her to say what was on her mind.

Her eyes roamed all over my face, looking, searching for some clue I was sure. Something that would really tell her how I felt. She stopped many times at my eyes, staring intently. She would see nothing, no pain, no light, just amber eyes. A small frown pulled the corners of her mouth down, she was not happy she could not read me.

Finally she broke the silence, her eyes and voice filled with worry, "I am not going to ask you how you are, for it would be a dumb question. But I do want you to know, that I am here for you. I know how it feels to lose something that you love. I hope you know you can always talk to me."

Esme was thinking of the child she lost just before she was changed. The grief and pain of that experience is what drove her to throw herself over the cliff in a suicide attempt. She had the faintest of heart beats when she was found, and it was just enough for Carlisle to save her. She never talked much about that time in her life. But we all knew she held onto those memories, not wanting to forget them. The idea that she would be willing to share her heartache was touching. But I just couldn't see how they compared. But it didn't matter; I was not going to talk to anyone.

I nodded acknowledging that I had heard her, but didn't speak. I did not trust myself to say anything right now. Fear that the pain and rage that was ever present would bubble forth and I would leave even more destruction in my wake. I needed time to acclimate myself to what would be my new normal.

Walking in the house, several things were evident. First, the noise that my siblings were making ceased, instantly; second, the house was in complete disarray. I expected the first, not the second. Esme liked to make where ever we stayed feel like home as soon as she could. To see boxes and suitcases sprawled all over could only mean two things. Either Alice had convinced everyone that I would change my mind at the last second so there would be no need to unpack or we were moving on sooner than I thought.

I spared a glance at Carlisle, looking for confirmation to my fears that Alice had no common sense. "Until Alice saw you on the side of the road, she said your future was still cloudy." His eyes were asking for me to understand. But I didn't. It was like they had no concept at all of the danger that Bella was constantly in, that I put her in by being with her.

Anger, hot and furious, colored my vision. I needed time to calm down.

"Is my room on the top floor?" The question came out sharper than I wanted, but I was beyond caring. I just needed to get out of the room.

All Carlisle could do was nod his head and then I flashed out of the room, up the three flights of stairs and into the attic room. The dormer windows were open, to air out the room. Boxes of my books, music and journals lined one wall. Suitcases with my clothes were sitting near the closet. They left the leather couch back in Forks. In this room was a desk with my laptop, and a couple of out dated couches. Even with all my stuff here, this did not feel like home.

My thoughts began to drift to where home was, where I would always consider home to be. Pictures of a sleeping form, wild chestnut hair spread over a pillow, a smile, a kiss, the feel of a warm, soft hand.

_Stop! Stop! STOP! _Mentally I berated myself for thinking of her like that, for bringing up the memories I needed to remain buried. I needed to move on, to push the memories out of my mind. If they kept floating free and unabated, all I would do was wallow. The memories were so strong, that they had the power to pull me into them, never able to live beyond them.

Pacing, I frantically looked around the room, trying to figure out what to do, I felt lost. I wanted to play music, to see if that could soothe my soul, but my system was not at the house yet. It was in the moving van which would arrive tomorrow. I had no patience to unpack, so it only left reading. I had no interest in reading, but maybe it would be enough to distract me, to allow me to find some sanity.

I reached into the box of books and opened it up. The first one I spotted was a collection of poems, a book given to me by Carlisle. He found the premise of the book fascinating and thought I would as well. I paged through, looking for something to catch my eye when a small piece of paper fell out. I could not place what it was, so I opened it. What I read stopped me cold and I was helpless to stop the memory of when I first saw this small scrap of paper.

It was a few short weeks after prom, and Bella was finally fully recovered from all her injuries. Bella was looking forward to a day without people gawking at her; I was looking forward to just being with her. Of course, fate had other things in mind; it was going to be sunny before the end of school. So I only had till lunch to be with Bella. We were both dissappointed, but it wasn't anything we could not handle.

To help give us an easy out, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper all stayed home, claiming a sick day. Alice and I would then claim ill and then we could be home before the sun was out. We were going to go on a family hunting trip. We rarely went on those, so we were all looking forward to it. I waited for Bella outside her Spanish class, but she did not come out with the other students. I scanned around, looking for her, wondering how I could miss her. Finally I spotted her, but she was walking towards me like she was coming from the parking lot.

I went to meet her half way, anxious to spend what little time I had left with her.

"I waited for you after class." I knew from prior experience, if I did not question, but made statements of fact, I would gather more information.

"Sorry. I asked to be excused early so I could drop a book off at my truck. I didn't want to carry it around with me. I got it in English to help with my essay I'm doing tonight." She gave me a knowing wink. "I have nothing better to do, so may as well get started on it."

We both laughed and made our way to lunch. Afterwards, after I left her in front of the Biology room, I walked with Alice to my car. I should have known something was up. Alice was concentrating hard on reciting the Declaration of Independence backwards. When we reached my car, I spotted a small piece of paper, folded and sitting on the seat. Climbing into the car I opened it up to find that Bella had left me a note:

_Have fun. Don't worry about me, I'll be ok._

_Love you._

_B_

It was the first note she had ever given me. Love like I had never felt welled deep inside me. Even though I had heard her utter those words countless times, to see it on paper, it was different, more tangible. I kept it with me the entire hunting trip.

And then I was back to the present, and the pain of seeing those words again ripped through me. Desperately I tried to find the darkness, the numbness that saved me before, but it was not to be found. Red, hot pain burned through me, leaving blistering sores, as a new sense of grief overwhelmed me. Side by side the words written on the tiny piece of paper sat with the image of Bella in the woods. One stated unequivocally that she loved me; the other was a jumble of confusion as she believed I no longer loved her.

Unable to reconcile the images, I let the anger, fury, sadness, grief, desolation and pain consume me and I threw it out into the open. In that instant the voices of my family that I was trying hard to block out came crashing down on me, full force.

_He looked so lost, so full of sadness. What can we do to help him?_

_He needs time to work things out, in time he will be ok._

_This is pure stupidity, nothing has changed it still plays out the same._

_I drove him to this, me and my weakness. _

Jasper's voice reached me through the haze and in that instant I wanted him to suffer. It was unlike me, to act in retaliation, in revenge, but I could not hold everything inside me. It was too much. I channeled all of my fury on him. I let the images that told me I was no good for her play, intensifying the emotions.

Bella and her scent that first day in Biology, the despair as I tried to keep her from James. The anguish as I raced to save her, only to see her broken and bleeding. The helplessness as James bit her and her screams as the venom spread. The guilt as she lay in a hospital bed, with her multitude of injuries, the fear as Jasper lunged for her and the desire to consume her as her blood streamed down her arm.

Even though I was lost in the memories, I did not miss the gasp in pain that Jasper uttered as my emotions flooded him. It was even too much for him to handle. I watched as he held his hands to his face and moved his head from side to side, like he was shaking the motions free. I kept up the endless loop of the pain, wanting him to hurt as I hurt. My family turned to stare at Jasper as he struggled under the immense weight of my emotional baggage.

Simultaneously, Carlisle and Alice reached for him as he staggered and fell to his knees.

_Jasper! Jasper, are you ok? Tell me what's wrong. _Alice's wordless plea was like a shock to my system. What I was doing was wrong, it was not fair. As much as I was furious for what Jasper had done, it was no reason to make him suffer. This was a hell of my own making and I could not subject my family to it.

Closing my eyes, I pulled it all back. No longer was I throwing my emotions into the open. Three stories below me, my family breathed a collective sigh of relief. Their questioning eyes never left him, they were searching for answers.

"I'm ok. It was Edward, he was in pain." His simple response floored me, why wasn't he telling them the whole story.

Alice's eyes flashed in anger, "How dare…" Jasper cut her off by placing a lone finger on her lips.

"This is between him and me. I will deal with it." He looked at everyone, to make sure they knew he was fully capable of taking care of the issues between us. "Now, I think we need some privacy. It is time we took care of some unfinished business." Slowly, my family left the house and bounded into the forest.

I knew it would be best if I stood and faced him, but the outburst left me gasping for breath and mentally exhausted. The best I could do was to uncurl myself from the ball I was folded into. The scrap of paper that started this breakdown was crumpled in my hand. I stuffed it back into the book it came from. I did not want any reminders.

I watched as his feet entered the room. Unable to look into his eyes, I mumbled, "I am so sorry…"

"I know why you did it, and I can't say that I blame you." The sincerity in his voice made me look at him. He was serious.

"I am the one who owes you an apology, Edward." He spoke low and with much regret. Shaking my head, I wanted him to stop; I was not ready to hear it. He surprised me by coming down to where I sat, with my back up against the wall. There was no escape, and he knew it.

"I need to say this and whether you agree with me or not, you need to hear it." My shoulders slumped in defeat. I did not have the energy or motivation to fight back, but deep down I knew he was right.

"I never meant to hurt her, I did not want to. You do not know how ashamed and weak I felt, how I still feel. To think that I could have harmed her, it makes me cringe. To think that I could have done something so unforgiveable to your mate, when I know how she makes you feel." He paused; I knew what he was getting at. He could read my every emotion that tied me to Bella, even when I could not name it or place it, Jasper could.

"I would have offered to leave, to make sure there would be no chance that I could never hurt her. Alice and I fought about that. But I did not want my weakness to tear you from the truest happiness you have ever had."

The complete honesty that shone in his eyes, made me stop, for just a second. To know that Jasper would have left our family, to leave behind the only kind of peace and calm he had ever experienced, so that Bella would be in no danger from him, I was floored. To also know that he fought with Alice, his true mate, over this, sickened me.

"I never meant for you to feel you had to leave Bella. I did not want this to happen." His eyes bored into mine, and I could not doubt his honesty. _I could feel how much you loved her and that she loved you. I did not mean to be the destruction of it. _

Once again, I shook my head, he got it all backwards. _I _was the cause of all the destruction, me and my selfish desires. It was right then and there that I knew without a doubt that I had to forgive Jasper, to set him free from his prison of guilt and shame. He did not deserve to feel that way. All the anger and hostility I felt towards him melted.

"I know and I forgive you. You did not cause this mess, I did." Taking a deep breath I continued in a rush, the urgency to help heal his wounds was paramount.

"Ever since she came into my life, I knew I was being selfish and that is why we needed to go. My very presence in her life was putting her in danger, each and every single day. What happened on her birthday, well, it put things into sharper perspective. It highlighted the danger she was constantly in. Your urge to hurt her was momentary; mine was an everyday struggle to keep it at bay." Shame and guilt made me hang my head. I never confessed the constant craving and desire her blood had for me, or the monster who wanted it all.

"I needed to do this, for her Jazz. I love her too much to take away her life, her soul, her future." My voice was begging for him to understand me now. I was seeking his acceptance of my choice, for I was unable to give it to myself. "She deserved much more than I could ever hope to give her. Now, she will grow old, get married, and have children…" I could go no farther, to say the words that I will be waiting to hear when she is gone. _She would die. _

Now it was me holding his gaze, looking for the approval I suddenly needed. It was rare that I ever sought this from Jasper; mostly I looked to Carlisle for approval, for he acted as my father in so many ways, and now Jasper had power over me. I never felt more like the younger brother, needing a guiding hand from his big brother.

Jasper searched my eyes and I did not know what he found, his thoughts were very silent. But he frowned and shook his head slowly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I hoped his words would set me free.

"I will not tell you if what you did is right or wrong, you will need to come to that conclusion on your own. But I do thank you for your forgiveness." With that he stood up in one fluid motion and left my room.

I wanted to be angry that he threw me no life raft to cling to, but I was unable to do so. He was right. Once again I was looking to others to save me and I needed to save myself. The decision I made in the car came back, to move forward, to live with my choice. I owed it to my family to not worry them. If my constant mood swings could not be controlled, everyone would be walking on egg shells and that was not fair.

Swiftly, I stood up and went down stairs. I could hear that everyone was outside, talking, which stopped the second I came into view. Drawing a deep breath of courage I addressed them all.

"I know that I have worried you all, and I am sorry. This is much harder than I thought it would be and I am having some trouble adjusting. But I want you all to know that I truly appreciate the sacrifice you made in moving so suddenly. I will not forget that you did this for me." It was all I could say. I wanted to reassure them that I would be alright, but I did not believe it and I could not lie to them.

Looking out at the sea of faces that was my family, their emotions were written clearly; Esme was concerned, Rosalie indignant, Carlisle cautious, Alice was hurt, Emmett uncomfortable and Jasper wary. I had earned them all; only my actions put their fear and doubt to rest.

Being the peacemaker, it was Carlisle who spoke first, "We were going to do a bit of exploring and maybe some light hunting, would you care to join us?"

I was not hungry, but in a gesture of goodwill, I nodded. I needed to show them I could be a member of this family. It was the least I could do. We did not run fast, taking time to get acquainted with our new surroundings. We all needed to expend some energy, shake off the tension and worry from the last few days.

We had not run far when the realization hit me that running held no joy for me. Running was the one thing I had always counted on to help calm or soothe me; it was like a balm for my spirit. Now, with the wind in my hair, the rush of the earth beneath my feet, it was only a means to an end. I wanted to weep for yet another loss in my world. The feeling that they would only keep piling up until there was nothing left to me, left me cold with dread.

My reverie was broken by Emmett's boisterous laugh followed by a growl. Stretching my hearing out, I could hear the bear that he had found. Of course, only a bear could make Emmett laugh like that. It was well understood in our family that he would spend the rest of his existence making up for the one fight he had lost to a bear. Shaking my head, I gave him and the bear a wide berth; I did not want to interfere with Emmett's fun.

Up ahead, the rest of my siblings were involved in rather childish game, but one we played often; swing tag. Basically it's tag, but in the trees. Jasper was 'it' and he was hot on Rosalie's heels. Absorbed in watching, I did not realize that Carlisle and Esme came up behind me. They surrounded and wound their arms around me. Automatically I blocked their thoughts, not able to handle any pity they may be feeling. I was too raw and sore to handle it.

"Why don't you join them, I know they would like that." Esme said gently prodding me. She rubbed soothing circles on my back; it comforted and irritated me at the same time. She was right, plus, if I was trying to move on, this would be one way to do it. Taking a deep breath and nodding, I leapt into the nearest tree and blocked Jasper from tagging Rosalie. Jasper quickly reversed course and came after me. I headed towards my sisters, who were waiting a few trees away.

"Joining the game, Edward?" questioned Jasper. "If so, I think it's only fair that you're 'it'." He paused in a tree away from the rest of us. I knew what he was doing; it was a ruse we had used before. Too bad Rosalie never figured it out, but then, she was too self absorbed to notice much.

With little interest in the game or the ruse, I forged ahead, playing the role I was expected to fulfill.

"Sure, if you say so." Making as if I was heading towards Alice, who was smirking at us both, I swung a few branches above Rose. As I went from one tree to another I tagged her head, "Gotcha." A furious growl erupted from her, "Leave the hair alone!"

I swung easily out of her reach and moved towards Alice. The game continued for sometime, with Emmett and Carlisle eventually joining. Esme was the ref, to keep us honest. With more players it was easier for me to put less and less effort into the game.

As the light began to creep up the horizon, Carlisle called a stop and stated it was time to head back. Once again we ran back to the house and this time I hung back, not able to be with the others while they were in such good moods. Their laughter and talking filled my ears; it created a noise in my head, like buzzing bees. Resentment filled me; I hated that they could be happy when everything in my world was destroyed, and it was cruel.

As the house came into view an overwhelming sense of wrongness filled me. Nothing felt as it should. The sights, sounds; even the smells were off. Then it dawned on me. This was my life now; it would always be slightly off kilter. No longer was I living my life. No, I left that behind. Now, I was going through the motions of living another life, one that was void of everything that made sense. This should have made me sad, but I had no room for anything in me. Instead, new holes opened up deep inside me as I trudged up the front stairs. This was my new reality and it hurt like nothing else.

**A/N: Did you like? If so..please review, they really do keep me going! Plus, if you review I may give you a little inside info on upcoming chapters!**


	9. Ch 8 Snap

**A/N: I do not own Twilight or anything remotely close to it. I own a dog, 2 cats and socks. **

**For those who left a review, I hoped you like my liitle teaser for this chapter, now I hope it lives up to any expectations. Please review.. I like it when you do. ENJOY!**

Snap

Inside the house, a new type of chaos reigned. Esme was hard at work directing everyone and I was pulled in the moment she saw me cross the threshold.

"Good, Edward, you're here. Ok, everyone this is what I need. Jazz, Em, set up the computers, I will need them soon. Alice and Rosalie please go into town and see if you can find anything on the house when it was first built. Pictures would be very helpful. Also, if you see an interior design place open, see about getting some swatch books to bring back."

A flurry of activity buzzed around me as Jasper and Emmett pulled the boxes filled with computer parts into the downstairs study. I could hear as they began assembling them, with a bit of horse play in between. Alice and Rose grabbed Carlisle's keys and drove away heading towards downtown Vancouver.

Silent and still, I just watched as everyone else moved around me, not really caring that I appeared to be forgotten, almost preferring it that way. Esme's hand halted my thoughts as she pulled me towards the kitchen. This is where most of the water damage was located. Cabinets were warped from being underwater, even with the floor ripped up, a musty smell lingered and all appliances had been removed.

"I thought we could get started here. Carlisle is arranging for a dumpster to be delivered later, but I thought we could still pull things out." Without another word, she began to rip the cabinets from the wall. As they were removed I brought them to the back yard to wait for the dumpster. In compatible silence, Esme and I worked. It felt nice, to be doing something physical where I did not have to mind my own strength. At times, I imagined all the hurt and grief I held locked deep inside as one of the cabinets and just smashed it, until it was pulverized pieces of wood.

By late morning, there was much progress to be seen. The computers were humming and Jasper and Emmett were busy looking up appliances, ordering drywall and other needed equipment. The kitchen was gutted to the pipes and Carlisle was inspecting them for rust, mold and making sure they were up to code. Alice and Rosalie had found the original blueprints and a book about the house at the library. They even found a designed that specialized in colonial houses and was more than willing to share some ideas. Alice found that funny, as Esme had several degrees in design and architecture and was more than qualified to handle this remodeling job.

They were spread on the living room floor pouring over the plans and pictures, sketching a rough design. Since we were not sure we were staying long, Esme was not looking to do anything too detailed. I was out back with the cabinets, loading them into the dumpster. I focused on the repetitive nature of my chore, breaking down the cabinets into smaller chunks of wood and piling them in the dumpster. Slowly, methodically I worked, trying to get lost in it all. It helped, a fraction of a bit, for I still felt the pain. It hung on the edges of everything I did, making sure I never forgot it was present, but not threatening to crash over me just yet.

With everything loaded I wondered back into the kitchen and found that Carlisle was missing. Continuing through to the living room, I saw Esme was gathering feedback from everyone regarding her rough plans. Excitedly she talked about a country kitchen, hardwood floors throughout and lots of wood trim. One could not miss the true pleasure she felt when involved in a remodeling project. I offered little of my own opinion, for I cared little about remodeling. Now, if you were doing a room made for acoustics, then I was your expert, but houses were little more than functional buildings to me.

A few hours later, a simple design was agreed upon and a rough schedule of how to get it all done was made. Esme tapped me as her main helper and once again, I did not object. Maybe this is how I could get through the rest of my miserable existence, just helping Esme with one project after another. Shredding something physical to go with the emotional shredding I was feeling.

Talk soon turned towards where we should move to next. We had to be careful that if we moved back someplace we had already lived, that the current residents would not recognize us. That usually meant that we came back every seventy to eighty years. Staying out on the west coast was not an option. Denali was mentioned but I quickly gave my veto. Having to deal with Tanya and her never ending attention was not my idea of fun. Knowing her, she would make it her personal mission to 'help me' deal with my loss.

With the time of year, we had more choices as winter offered more cloudy days. There was some talk of going overseas but most of us voiced displeasure. I was grateful that I wasn't the only not liking the idea. It was childish, but I wanted to at least be on the same continent as Bella, even if I could not be with her. Thankful I would not have to let my family be privy to my juvenile needs, I concentrated harder on the topic at hand.

Carlisle was moving towards going out East. This time of year, we had ample choices laid out before us. Plus, those who wanted to attend college could as there were several universities to pick from. Everyone agreed that would be the most ideal place to move towards. As we tried to keep our family decisions fairly democratic, Carlisle would gather a list of possible places we could move and present the options to us.

For me, it would matter not where we moved. I was fairly certain I would not be in a frame of mind to do any studying, high school or college. The amount of mental energy it would take to put forth any semblance of normal behavior was beyond me. Fear gripped me as I wondered what I would do. Now more than ever, truly seeing that I had decades of time to fill made me panic. It was torturous enough to fill the few measly hours of this day.

With all the decisions made that could be for the time being, everyone turned towards other pursuits. Emmett and Rosalie went back on the computer, trying to decide if they wanted to finish their trip to Africa. Alice was buried with Esme in books on colors schemes and design ideas. It would be hours before they would surface again. Carlisle was on the other computer researching our options. Jasper went in search for the boxes with his books; he had begun to read philosophy lately and was hoping to delve back into a book he had started. This left only me, alone, in a room full of my family.

Feeling rather conspicuous, I headed towards my room, a feeling of foreboding creeping up my spine. I was greeted by darkness and nothing else. The boxes remained where they had been before and I still had no motivation to do anything with them. Walking towards the window, I pressed my forehead against the chilled pane. The moon was just a sliver of its self as the new moon had just past.

Without giving it much thought, I opened the window and proceed to climb up on the roof, the feeling of foreboding had turned into suffocation. The mental noise from my family was getting to me. While their thoughts still held notes of concern for me, they were also continuing on with their life. This meant that once again I was all alone in a house full of perfectly matched mates, the odd man out. I should have felt something at that thought. Instead, I only felt hollow. There truly was nothing left in me to feel.

Knowing I was only adding to the pain I felt, but powerless to stop what I felt compelled to do, I angled my body towards Forks. Facing the one place I would always called home. I had a fierce wish that my vampire sight would allow me to see her home from here. Torment and calm swept through me as I longed for her, to be there right now. But for the moment it had to be enough that I was looking her way, thinking of her, still loving her.

Never had my nights been filled with such agony and at first I failed to clearly understand why. But as my eyes wandered and my thoughts turned more and more chaotic, clarity finally struck. In the last six months or more, I had rarely spent more than a night or two away from Bella. But even more, it was what those nights represented. They were peace, they were special, and they belonged just to the two of us. There was silence and calm, not only around us, but in myself as well. They represented some of the happiest times in my long existence. It had been so engrained in me to go to Bella that even during short trips I felt the loss of her presence. Now, as I sit on this roof, my entire being ached with the desire to be near her.

Even more terrifying was fully coming to terms with the knowledge that I would never experience that pleasure ever again. That I have forever forfeited what those nights meant to me. My body began to move with the tearless sobs wracking my body. Grief upon grief flooded me, and I had no ability to keep it contained. Not wanting to subject Jasper to these intense emotions, I leapt from the roof and ran into the waiting forest.

Trees whipped past as I ran. I ran from every pain and damage I have inflicted. I ran from the grief, loss and anger ever present inside me. I ran to try and forget, knowing I would never be able to do so. The sobs still trembled from my body; I had no capability to make them stop.

_Bella! What have I done? What am I going to do without you?_

My mind screamed those words over and over. If it was possible, I would have screamed them out loud until I was hoarse from it all. As suddenly as I started running, I stopped. The question I should be asking myself was; _how do I make it through the nights without you?_

Without my knowing it I grew to depend on, no, _count _on those nights. They were my salvation, or if it was possible, they were my own slice of heaven here on earth. Now the prospect of nights without her, it messed with my sanity. My emotions cycled rapidly; fear, anger, sadness, shame, loathing, guilt, rage, grief. They continued in an endless loop and I had no strength of any kind to stop them.

When I became aware of my surroundings, I was on the ground with no recollection of getting there. I could tell that only a few short hours had past and that I had several more hours until daylight. Somehow, I needed to get through the rest of this night. How, I had no clue, but one thing was crystal clear, if I did not figure it out fast, I did not know how much longer I could survive.

_NO! No! You can't go back. _I made a promise to her, that I would not come back. I told myself that I did all this to keep her safe. Now, in the first moment of weakness, I was going to be the selfish one all over again. No, I refuse to be that again. I would need to accept all the torture and sadness that came, it was my penitence, it was the least I could do. I owed it to her to do this. A very long time ago, I wished to burn all over again if only it meant to be human again, just so I could be with her. Now, I must burn in a completely different way. I burn in my misery, sadness and anger and it is to keep her safe.

With some resolution, slowly I ran back to the house. All along, thinking and planning, figuring out what will keep me going until she no longer existed. As I reached the house, I still had no real plan and it scared me. The sounds of my family bombarded me, filling my mind. Jasper and Emmett were involved in one of their elaborate chess games; Alice was talking to Rosalie about a new wardrobe; Carlisle and Esme were in their room, talking about me.

"Will he be ok, Carlisle? I worry about him," Esme's fear laced her words. Her mind was also filled with nothing but concern and worry.

Carlisle ran a soothing hand down her back and then back up to her neck. He did this twice before answering her. "I don't know. I have only witnessed one other of our kind lose a mate and that was Marcus. Even then it was hundreds of years after the fact and he still mourned her. But, in Edward's case…." He trailed off as he thought of our talk after I made my decision to leave.

Astonishingly, Carlisle had spoken to know one about my plans, not even Esme, his mate. But now, he was thinking of confiding in her, for her was uncertain if he did the right thing.

Esme sensed his hesitation and pushed him," What do you mean, in Edward's case? What do you know?" She pried herself from Carlisle's arms and glared at him, full force. Esme, while passive and very gentle, was ferociously protective of her family. She would do anything, go to any lengths to keep her family together and she sensed that Carlisle knew something that could tear it apart.

"You will finish that sentence." The flat tone of her voice left no room for discussion.

Looking intently into her eyes, Carlisle saw her resolve. With a bow in his shoulders and a deep sigh he confessed.

"Edward stated to me that once Bella dies, he would follow her. He can't live without her, or as he put it, he can't live in a world where she does not exist." The ending was said on the barest whisper; even I had to strain to hear it.

Such fury colored Esme's thoughts as she processed what Carlisle had said. Her thoughts were a jumbled mixture of disbelief and anger.

_What does he mean 'follow' her? How dare he? He wouldn't! How can I stop it? _

The idea that Esme, or anyone else for that matter, would try to stop me never entered my mind. So sure I was that once I knew Bella had died, I would just go to Italy. It was such a simple plan. But now, I knew that I would have to get past my family. When I left, I had to be one step ahead of them, well actually only Alice. How to do that was up in the air, and it would be something to ponder. But for now, I had decades to get through before I needed to worry.

Now, the most pressing issue was Esme determination to keep me alive at all costs. Luckily, Carlisle became the voice of reason.

"My love, don't fret. Bella is young and will live a long life. We don't have to worry about anything just yet. Hopefully, when Bella does die, we will be able to help Edward deal with it and he can stay alive."

It was the right words for Esme, for her anxiety ratcheted down several notches, but for me it only added to my heightened emotions. None of my family really understood my feelings for Bella, how deep and intense they went. Jasper would be the only one and he was unwilling to offer me any guidance in this.

Dejected and tired of hearing their thoughts, I blocked them out. Soon they were all but a distance hum in the background. There was some measure of relief, but not nearly enough. Then, inspiration struck. Could I completely block out my family, block out all the voices. Could I retreat far enough into my mind to keep up with the motions of existing, but not be subjected to the constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings? Focusing with everything I had, I continued to push the hum further and further back. Sure enough after a while, they were gone and there was silence.

Everything felt muffled, like there were layers of thick concrete surrounding me and it took awhile before sound could reach me. It would do, it would work. This did not mean there was an absence of the pain, for that continued to lap at the edges of me. But, it was more of an out of body feeling, a detachment and just watching everything from a higher vantage point.

Feeling more capable to get through the next part of my existence, I scaled the back of the house and was back in my room in seconds. Pulling the couch closer to the window, I sank down and got lost in the stars; naming constellations and then the individual stars. This kept me busy until the early morning rays of the sun began to peek over the horizon.

Dressing in fresh clothes, I quietly joined my family in the downstairs living room. Alice, Jasper and Rosalie would be going into town for remodeling supplies and to put in an order for the cabinets in the kitchen. That left Emmett, Carlisle and I to help Esme continue the tear down.

With the three of us, Esme was able to tackle more of the jobs. She sent Carlisle to sand all the upstairs rooms to prepare for painting. Since there was no water damage there, all Esme felt we had time to do was small cosmetic changes. Downstairs, Emmett and I began to rip the carpet up in the living room, library and a parlor room. As Esme inspected the hardwood beneath, we were ordered to begin tearing down the sheet rock. By the time the others had come back, the downstairs had been gutted and now the floors were being scraped.

Carlisle called a bit of a break now that we were all assembled, so we could revisit our relocation options. Since there was no comfortable place to sit and talk, we gathered outside. It was overcast once again, and the clouds threatened rain. I had no particular interest in this discussion, as I really did not care where we went. But in the interest of acting the part, I sunk to the ground with the rest of them. Absently, I played with the grass, lost in the rhythmic motions; pull it up, roll into a ball, fling it. Over and over, I lost myself in the repetitiveness of it all.

"I looked into our options, taking into consideration all of our prior residences and the proximity of medical facilities. Also, as this was rather sudden, it would be up to each of you to determine if you wanted to stay at your 'stated age' or consider other options." Carlisle looked at each of us as he spoke.

He continued to address us, "I found six options that appear to be feasible. They are Springfield in Massachusetts; Bangor in Maine; Ithaca in New York; Rutland in Vermont; Scranton in Pennsylvania and Lebanon in New Hampshire. Each has exceptional medical centers, which should make finding a job easy. Each also has an excellent education system, including colleges."

Instantly my family began buzzing about the choices. Alice measuring most by the shopping prospects, Esme interested in finding another, more involved remodeling project and Jasper thinking about entering into college. Emmett and Rosalie were pretty non committal about the choices. It was very peaceful to not hear their internal monologues as well. As it was, just hearing them talk was grating on my nerves. It wasn't until later in the day, that I realized, no one asked my opinion or commented on my less than stellar participation. Maybe they all decided to ignore me, which I whole-heartily agreed with.

After about an hour of debate, the choice to move to Ithaca was agreed upon. Jasper went to research Cornell and the programs they offer. Carlisle went to put in a few feelers for the nearby hospital. The rest of them scattered to enjoy the rest of their evenings.

Once again, I found myself up in my room, alone. Like the previous night, I scrambled up to the roof and watched as the sun continued to set and the stars came out. I resumed my naming of the constellations and stars. But unlike last night, images of Bella started to spring in my mind. The first and most miserable of the images, was the last night I saw her. Disbelief and pain etched on her face, her arms reaching out for me, pleading with me to stay. Then the pure terror in her eyes as James bit into her arm and her scream afterwards, followed by the confusion after I flung her on her birthday. They melted and morphed till it was an endless stream of her pain and anguish.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not retreat into my mind away from these images. There was no relief and I just watched as they played over and over. I found myself apologizing to her, begging her to understand that I never meant to do her harm. Sometimes I thought I saw her smile, as if she could hear me, it only added to the pain. I did not deserve her sympathy or her forgiveness.

Thus began the cycle of my days. The daylight hours were filled with Esme and her projects. At times I wondered if she was purposely keeping me busy, in the hopes that I would forget any plans that I might have had. We put up the walls and got them ready for painting. We stripped all the floors and then refurbished them. In the kitchen we hung the cabinets and installed appliances. We custom built floor to ceiling bookcases for the library and stained them.

My nights were torture. Looking out at the stars no longer calmed or distracted me. Instead, I spent the nights with Bella. At first only the horrific images floated in and out. They added to the flood of emotions that swam inside me. I tried desperately to block the images out, but I was unable to escape. So, I resigned myself to them, and just wallowed in it all.

It started to become more difficult to bring myself to the present, so engrossed I was in my Bella. Esme routinely had to come up to get me and from her worried looks, I didn't always respond when she shook me. I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew I was distressing my parents with my actions, but to be fully present terrified me. Maybe it was because I did not want to face my pain, but deep down it was because I was afraid I would lose Bella, or at least the images that haunted me night after night.

Plans to move to Ithaca continued all around me. Esme had found a historical house that was need of fixing. She was thrilled and was already engrossed in plans, with Alice's help. Jasper enrolled in Cornell, where Carlisle would be teaching on a limited basis. He also found a job in the local hospital working nights. Emmett and Rosalie had no final plans, as they were thinking of going on another honeymoon.

Time held no meaning for me anymore, days blended into days and nights melded into the next. I felt as if I had retreated more and more into myself. Everything felt so far away, sounds, sights, most of the time they never reached me, they disappeared into the void. I discovered that I needed extraordinary amounts of concentration to understand when someone talked to me. As most of the time their voices came to me as if I was under water, dimmed and distorted.

One day I could no longer handle being around them as the house was thick was tension and everyone was walking on eggshells. I needed to be away from them as much as they needed time away from me. I wandered into the forest, walking with no sense of purpose. Bella entered my mind; it happened more often now, no longer limiting herself to the nights. I tried to ignore her, as I just wanted peace. Frustration that I had not felt in some time spilled out. Why could I not find some tranquility? Even in the furthest recesses of my mind, where I thought I could find relief, there was none. Instead, I was haunted by my memories and feelings.

I paced at times like a caged animal, looking frantically for a way out. Other times, apathy took over and I roamed with no purpose. The day once again faded into the night and I found myself entering the clearing surrounding the house. Not ready to face them, I slumped against the side of the house and sank to the ground. There was no awareness of anything happening around me, and blissfully, my mind was empty.

When I look back, I am unable to explain how I heard Rosalie talking; maybe it was what she was saying that broke into me. It could have been that she violated the unwritten rule of never speaking her name. However it happened, it started a chain reaction I was powerless to control.

"This has gone on too long and no one seems willing to address it. He's acting like a child." Distain was evident in Rosalie's words.

"Carlisle seems to think we just need to give him some time. I mean what can we do?" Dealing with the emotional was never Emmett's strong suit.

"Time? I think he has had more than enough time. Nothing good has come since she came into our lives. We have been in danger because of her; we have had to rearrange our lives for her. All for a mere human. Bella Swan has been nothing more than a horrible affliction Edward had forced upon us all."

With no conscious thought of acting I found myself barging into Rosalie's room. Anger, hot and fast poured out of me; my vision was a red haze of fury focused on Rosalie.

"How dare you! You have no right to talk about her that way." My entire body was shaking, my hands were clenching at my sides. The urge to throttle Rosalie was coursing my veins. I continued with my tirade.

"She is everything that you could never be; warm, loving, considerate, kind, and unselfish. All you will ever be is a spiteful bitch." My words took me close and personal with Rosalie.

Hearing me swear, caused Rosalie to fly at me, hands grasping for my neck. In a quick move I deflected her hands and landed a blow to her stomach causing her to fly back into Emmett. The sound of cracking stone filled the house.

"Is that all you got? It's pretty weak and pathetic just like you." I shifted instinctively into a crouch, readying myself to fight. It felt good to propel all my anger and hurt towards Rosalie. She was the embodiment of all that I was feeling and I just wanted something physical to fight against.

Seeing my crouch, Emmett jumped in front of her and let loose a warning growl. In that moment, I did not care who I fought, just as long as I got to fight something.

"For once Emmett, let her finish what she started." I was taunting them both, itching for a fight. I let the anger take over, it felt freeing and exhilarating.

"I will only say this once Edward. Back off. You will not lay another hand on her." The implication in his words was implied, I would have to go through him to get to her. I was fine with that, the more the merrier.

"She came after me, I was only defending myself." I inched closer, the need to get to Rosalie over riding all other thoughts. Each step elicited a growl from Emmett.

Rosalie came up behind Emmett, fury making her quake. Focusing only on her, I continued to mock, "You going to finish this Rose or is Emmett going to do your dirty work again?"

That pissed off Emmet who lunged for me. Knowing he was stronger than me, I ducked out of his reach, and spun myself low, I kicked my leg out which made contact with Emmett's side. He crashed into the door jamb cracking it in two. At that moment Carlisle and Jasper came up the stairs and I made a lunge for Rosalie. I got my hands around her neck as I was tackled by Emmett who was tackled by Jasper.

I tried to twist out of Emmett's grasp as it was firmly around my waist. Jasper had a hold of Emmett's arms and was prying them lose. Carlisle twisted Rosalie out of my grasp and she bolted out of the window. It took both Carlisle and Jasper to pry us apart as we turned on each other, snapping, growling and biting.

"Enough! I will not have my family fighting each other." Carlisle screamed his frustration and it grabbed our attention. We both pushed the other out of the way, but never gave up our defensive stances. Ragged breathing filled my lungs as I tried to plan my next move. The rush of adrenaline and power I felt was intoxicating.

Warily Carlisle eyed us, "This behavior is inexcusable. This is not how we treat each other, ever, under any circumstance."

"If he ever lays a finger on Rose again, Carlisle, I will take care of it, I promise." The menace was thick as Emmett spoke. His eyes never left me and I returned his stare.

A low snarl rumbled deep in my chest, "Tell your wife to keep her mouth shut about things she does not understand. She started it; I was only going to teach her a long overdue lesson." With that Emmett let lose a snarl and made a move towards me.

Instantly, Jasper was between us and a wave of calm pushed us down. Try as I may, I could not push it back. Emmett was struggling to do the same. Without another word, Carlisle grabbed me and Jasper took a hold of Emmett and forced us outside to where Rosalie had fled. The rest of the family followed behind.

To an outsider, the way were grouped would seem random, but to us, it demonstrated where we stood. Rosalie and Emmett were off to one side, I was on the far other side. Jasper held a position between us. Alice, Esme and Carlisle were grouped off to the side. Each of them registered a different emotion; Alice was focused on the future, flipping through the different outcomes which were still hazy, Esme was concerned and Carlisle was dismayed.

Even being outside, the tension followed us, it hung like a thick cloud over us all. I never broke eye contact with Rosalie who stood behind Emmett. I wanted to wipe the smug look off her face, but it would be hard to do with Emmett prowling in front of her. Every few steps, he would pause to touch her, almost reassuring himself that she was ok. A snort died in my throat, she was more than capable of defending herself. Her killing spree in Rochester was proof of that.

I could feel my anger waning and I scrambled to hold onto it, fearful that the pain would pull me under again. Rosalie's words replayed themselves over and over, 'horrible affliction'. Was her jealously so deep that she failed to see the beautiful perfect that encompassed Bella? She brought light and love into my world, to us all. Her only crime was to love a monster and having one love her back. For such a brief moment, I was happy, truly happy. I will be forever grateful to Bella for giving me those precious few months.

But all Rosalie could see was that I fell for a human, that Bella captured my attention so thoroughly when Rosalie never could. Add to the fact that Rosalie would do anything to be human and it all added up to a giant ball of jealously. She held onto it and it was eating at her. I found someone that I preferred and one I held in high regard, and Rosalie just couldn't understand it. Well, that was her problem and she needed to deal with it.

Carlisle stepped closer to us and spoke in a strong firm voice, "While I understand how this started, I am more appalled by the idea that we could hurt each other with our words or actions. To say I am greatly disappointed would be only the beginning."

Facing Rosalie he continued, "Edward has made a great personal sacrifice. One that he felt was necessary and we supported him. But to maliciously hurt him, while he is already grieving that sounds cruel, even for you."

The indignation that flared in her eyes spoke to how hurt and angry she was at Carlisle's chastising words. Emmett pulled her into his embrace and ran comforting circles on her back. I turned away from the sight; it only served to remind me of all I had left behind.

Turning to look at me, Carlisle paused. Lifting my eyes to look at him, I saw concern, pain, and worst of all, pity. I tore away from his gaze, for it evaporated what little anger I was able to hold onto. Now, the pain was licking at my insides and it created sharp points of agony.

"But to lift a hand against a member of your own family, that is indefensible. We all know that you are hurting and dealing with this best you can…"

"No!" shrieked Rosalie as she pushed Emmett out of her way. She took a few angry steps towards us all. "That is the point Carlisle. He isn't dealing with it. Are all of you blind to how he has been or are you choosing to ignore it? He has been moping over her long enough, it's causing strain on our family and it isn't fair."

Carlisle and the rest were speechless and they all turned to look at me. I had no defense; I was doing the best I knew how. The silence only fueled Rosalie's determination to have her thoughts known.

Sneering at me she spoke, "You're the pathetic one, walking around here like a zombie. We have had enough." Feeling relieved to have everything off her chest she relaxed her posture.

She was right; I was a zombie, and I was no good being around my family. Looking around all I saw was their pity. They were concerned as well, but pity was prevalent on all their faces. I couldn't handle it. What had I done? They did not deserve to watch me go through this. Once again, I was causing havoc where ever I went and it had to stop. That only left me one option and I acted on instinct, I bolted into the forest.

Just behind me I heard footsteps following closely. I knew who it was and I just wanted to be left alone.

"Go away! I just want to be alone." I could feel the tug of the pain and grief and I just wanted to let it all go.

"This has to do with more than just you, it involves Bella," barked Alice. She said the only thing that would have made me stop. But if she was lying, I would never forgive her.

Stopping as suddenly as I started, I whirled on Alice. "What do you want," I spat the words at her. It wasn't anger, just all the emotions that swirled in me; it was too much to be contained.

"Let us help you, please. We all hate to see you so unhappy." What an understatement. I said nothing, for in that instance it became crystal clear that I no longer had the ability to be happy, I killed that as soon as I left her. I had a few months of joy which will be followed by decades of pain. Knowing that there would be an end to this, even if it wasn't for sixty or seventy years, gave me a measure of calm.

Seeing that I was not going to respond, she changed tactics.

"She is hurting too," she whispered this softly. A spasm of pain coursed through my entire body, I did not want to think of her hurting. But it would only be momentary, right? I had to believe that.

"I told you that I did not want you to look for her future. We need to stay completely out of her life." I was holding on by the barest thread of patience, of strength and I just wanted to be by myself.

Fury clouded her face, her eyes narrowed into slits, "You know that is not how it works. I did not go looking for her. The flashes just came. But you are being a fool. We can all see how you miss her, how you need her."

Of that I could not deny. I needed her with every fiber of my being, but I was so wrong for her. I had no right to love her or to seek her love in return. There have been too many signs for me to ignore. I gave her freedom and a future; it was all I had left to give.

"I am not going to talk about this." I began to turn and run when the flashes Alice had seen invaded my mind. They were quick snatches and there were not many of them, but Alice played them over and over. I threw my hands over my ears, a vain attempt to make her stop, I did not want to see, and I did not want to know.

"STOP! That won't happen; she will move on, she will forget me." I shook my head until she finally relented.

"What if her pain causes her to do something stupid? Humans have died because of grief, most of the time by their own hand." If she thought that for one moment Bella would do that, she did not understand her friend.

"She promised me she wouldn't do anything stupid. She said she would take care of herself. I have to believe that she will." That was all I had left to hope for, that Bella would think of those most important to her and keep herself safe. Even if it wasn't for me.

"She loves you. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Even more importantly, you love her." Alice was back to pleading, she had nothing left to lose and we both knew it.

But I knew the truth, and to say it out loud would be most likely hurt me beyond repair, but she had to understand, they all did.

"Yes, I do love her, but she doesn't believe it. I saw it with my own eyes, I heard her say it. She doesn't believe that I ever loved her. Now, go back and tell them I just want to be left alone." What shattered pieces remained, crumbled into a pile of dust at my feet. My insides resembled jagged, bleeding holes each festering and burning with all my emotions.

Giving her no room to argue, I bolted and ran faster than I had ever run. I ran such a ragged path there would be no way she could follow me. The day gave way to night and still I ran. I spotted a cave up ahead and made a dash for it. A quick search told me it was not home to any creature. Finally, I found my solitude. Sinking to the cold, hard floor I gave into my grief. My last thought before the blackness claimed me once more- _I love you, Bella. _

**A/N: Soo did ya like it? Huh? Did ya! If so... leave a review... I like them like I love tortured Edward! Once again, to those who review I willgive ya teaser for the next chapter.**


	10. Ch 9 The Madness within the Blackness

**A/N: Before I forget let me thank my incredible betas: PisceanPal23 and CullenandSwan1993- you ladies rock my world! Secondly, I want to thank everyone who ever put this as an alert or favorite. You will never understand the giddiness I feel when I get that notice! **

**Lastly, please review..they are like candy for my soul. I respond to them and give a little teaser of the next chapter. I would love to hear what you are thinking; good, bad, ugly or beautiful. To those who have reviewed, THANK YOU! Your words are beyond amazing, I am humbled by what you are write. So, it is to all those who have reviewed so far I dedicate this next chapter. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own this wonderful world, only Ms. Meyer...but she let's me play with it!**

The Madness within the Blackness

I no longer kept track of the passage of time; it held no meaning to me anymore. So how long I was floating in the quiet darkness, I am not sure. What I was aware of was that the darkness was broke up by moments of clarity; a vivid, stark reality. I started to look forward to and hate those times. It was then that she tormented me; in images and then with her voice. I could only be grateful that I did not have to smell her scent, which would have been too much.

I tried desperately to keep it all out, everything that had to do with her. But like always, she was not to be denied. I could never deny her what she wanted; even it meant to torment me. At first all that kept me company were the quick snapshots from Alice's visions. They re-played over and over, a never ending cycle of painful jabs at my shattered spirit.

FLASH!_ Bella, sitting on her bed, her arms curled around her legs, rocking back and forth._

FLASH! _Bella, staring into space, eyes vacant._

FLASH! _Bella sleeping restlessly, reaching out in her dreams._

FLASH! _Bella at school, looking tired._

I held onto that last one, knowing that Bella somehow found the strength to move on, to rejoin her life. If she could do that, all of this was worth it. She could continue on, find happiness, and find someone to take care of her, have a normal, _human _life.

The other images were the reminders that in my need to keep her safe, I had hurt her. How bad I had hurt her, I was not sure. Were the images showing that she was grieving? If so, that was normal. In vain, I scrambled in my head for information I learned about the human grieving process. I had taken enough psychology classes in my existence. Depression was one; some of those images could be attributed to that, all normal. There was denial and anger, but I could not be sure if the images represented those. Lastly, acceptance, seeing the one with her in school had to be acceptance.

Sharp, searing pain ripped through me at the idea of her accepting the absence of me in her life. Although it was what I wanted, what I needed her to do, seeing the actual proof… It cut me to the bone. Suddenly, I was transported back to the woods. I did not want to be here, the memories too harsh.

_You…don't…want me? Well that changes things. _The memory was crystal clear. Her face betrayed nothing; it was filled with confusion and acceptance at my refusal of her. She believed me. She never understood the depth of my love for her. Did she never grasp the complete and utter need I had to be with her? Was the truth that I needed her with every breath she took and that she was my whole reason to be, not as evident as I thought?

Agony, deep and overwhelming, clawed at me, it reared higher and higher inside. I did not fight it, why should I? There was nothing for me to fight for anymore. The numbing blackness pulled at the edge of my mind, beckoning me to their quiet solace. Unable to rid my mind of Bella's disbelief in my love for her, I pulled the blackness over me like a blanket. Soon I was lost in its comforting emptiness.

There was never complete relief, even in the darkness of my mind. Everything was still present; the anguish, grief, crushing sadness and most of all- her. However, it floated along the edges, mocking me, creeping closer to only pull back. It was an ever present reminder that I could never escape my penitence.

Even her face hovered ceaselessly in my mind. Try as I might, I was unable to ignore her, and deep down I did not want to. This was all I had left and so I watched her, staring into the depths of her eyes. I saw many things there, but how much of it were real memories or just my imagination, I did not know. After a while I did not care and eventually, I welcomed it. If this was the only way to be with her, I would take it.

So often I went between reality and the darkness that it was impossible to tell the difference. The pain and acute agony never abated. There was just varying degrees of intensity. It could be that the more intense it was, I slipped into the darkness. But there were times in reality that I longed for the darkness. Instead, I lived each excruciating moment, where each breath was labored and ripped through the bleeding holes in my body.

_You owe me an explanation. _

Her words echoed inside my mind, in my every nerve ending. They caused me to focus and what I saw confused me. She was there with me, in the darkness. Her eyes were wide, open and loving. Not at all like the first time I heard her utter those words. That first time, when we were at the hospital, she was confused and upset. But now, she stared at me, as if waiting for me to answer.

Fear that I was losing my mind gave way to panic. I could not comprehend how or why she was there. At first I scrambled for a way to get away, but the darkness never let me run far, and every time I turned, there she was. Longing, exquisite and piercing, filled me. How I wanted to be with her, to talk to her one last time.

_This is madness! She is not here. _I screamed at myself. The rational part of me that held a tenuous grip on my sanity rebelled, knowing that it wasn't truly Bella. But the piece of my being that needed her in any way to continue existing latched on with all its might. In the end the latter won out.

_I can't even begin to tell you why. But it all comes down to how much I love you. _It was a feeble explanation, but I hoped it would suffice.

Her eyes turned anxious. _Why did you even bother? _She sounded confused, like she was struggling to understand my motives. So I brought up what I told her many months ago.

_If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe. _Her face fell and I strained to hear her.

_And you don't think I would do the same? _The love I saw in her eyes was too much. I knew that even if she tried to leave, I would not let her. I am too selfish to watch her walk away. Unable to stand looking at her, with eyes not judging and only full of understanding, I ignored her. It was the only thing left to do.

After a short time, the darkness receded and reality took hold. For the first time, I was grateful to be free of the darkness. Although part of me relished hearing her voice, I was unable to answer her question. Not when it made me challenge all the decisions I made. I tried to get angry. Who did she think she was to try and object to what I had done? It was the one of the most painful things I ever had to do.

But, if I caused her pain and so much so that she would be unable to move on, was it worth it? The selfish side I had long buried reared its ugly head, added its own challenge, trying to plant a seed of doubt. Frustration roared off me and the walls of the cave, its echo crashing over me. I would not, could not go back on what I had done. Her life and happiness are worth any price, without a doubt.

Unable to escape to the darkness, for fear I would hear her, I focused on a steady drip of water falling into a small pool of water across the cave. With each drip I counted and held my focus to that task alone. I made it to 4,133 before I thought of Bella. To punish myself, I started counting all over again.

It went like that for some time, the mindless counting and the intense focus on that annoying drip of water. I was up over a million before my concentration slipped, but it wasn't on my part, it was her.

_What? Are you not speaking to me? _The fact that she changed her words slightly from the last time they were spoken was not lost on me, but the situations mirrored each other.

I should have been terrified that I could hear her without being in the dark, but I had no more energy to care. So I let myself get sucked in, it was easier than resisting her.

_No. _I did not know what else to say to her, but knowing I had too much to say all at the same time. Once again, I reached into the past to sum up what I felt.

_I'm tired of trying to stay away. _It was the plain and honest truth. If I was going insane, then let it happen. Why fight against the one way I could be with her? To me that seemed to be insanity. But I wanted it to be complete, I didn't want to only hear her voice, I wanted to see her. With an ease I did not know I had, I slipped back into the darkness.

There she waited for me. Her soft hair billowed around her, a tiny smile hinted at her lips and the best part; her deep, warm eyes. My eyes drank her up, looking at the gentle slope of her neck, her high cheekbones and lush lips.

_Will you promise to explain everything to me? _Leave it to her to ask for the one thing I wished she would wait for. Couldn't I just look at her and enjoy being back with her? But my Bella wanted to understand, she wanted answers. Did I have any in me to give? I feared that I didn't.

Scared she would leave me if I did not tell her something; I poured my heart out to her. I held back nothing, all the fear and anger for what happened at her birthday, the war inside me and how I just wanted her to be happy and live a normal, human life. I finally said out loud how much I love her and will always love her. I even begged her for forgiveness for leaving, imploring that one day she would understand why I did what I did. I told her how much I missed her.

She patiently watched me; her eyes were deep pools where I saw her misery, my misery. _Don't be sad. I will be ok. _The incredulous look on her face let me know she did not believe me, not in the least. Knowing that I was lying to her, all I could do was to shrug my shoulders.

We went back to staring at each other. It was enough for me, just to see her. It was more than I could ask for and more than I deserved. Many times my hand twitched towards her as an intense longing to touch her stole over me. It was a weird sensation. Part of my mind knew she was not real, just something my psyche conjured to help my shattered spirit cope with losing her. But the other part just did not care. Missing her as much as I was, I physically ached with the need to touch her.

_I want to stay with you. _The words were barely whispered, but I heard them. A small flicker burned inside me at hearing those words. Wanting her as much as I did, it was only too easy to rationalize to myself to let her to stay. _I want you to stay as well, if you want. _Even after all this time, it was still her choice. She smiled at me and sat down close to me.

Still with not much to say, we strolled through some our happier moments; the meadow being our first stop. We played the memories over and I tried to smile at her expression to me in the sun. I tried to conjure up the feel of her fingers, as she lightly traced the veins in my arms. All I could manage was a weak tingling feeling, but it was enough for now.

_You were so beautiful in the sun. I was worried you would disappear on me. _Her lips curved into a soft smile. _I was afraid to take my eyes off you, for fear you would vanish into the air. _A sweet laugh escaped from her as we both recalled one of our happier times.

I tried to join in the laughter with her, but I did not know how. I felt as if I had no capacity in my mind for laughter. So I told her my favorite part of what whole day. _It's also when we told each other how much we cared for each other, that we loved each other._ I felt the need for further confession. _I still love you. _

She was quiet, and I expected no less. Even in my mind she still had trouble believing that I loved her. I wanted to weep, but I had no energy left to expend.

Even though I knew the question was beyond silly, it was out before I could even think twice. _I hope you are ok, that you are taking care of yourself. _Unable to even look this Bella in the eyes, I stared at the dirt at her feet. I held my breath, waiting to hear her response.

The silence ticked by and I started to count the steady drip of that familiar drop of water. After counting to a few thousand, I could stand it no longer, I looked up at her. Instantly I regretted my words.

Her face was a mask of confusion and pain. She tried to hide it, but was highly unsuccessful. Her attempt at a smile looked more like a grimace and her eyes reflected her hurt. Slowly she reached her hands out to me, like she was beckoning me to come to her.

_Wait!_

_Wait! _

Her plea echoed against the cave walls and I was bombarded by hundreds of begging Bella's.

_WAIT! _

She continued to reach for me and I was rooted to where I sat. I had no power to pull her close even though I yearned to do so.

_WAIT!_

Her screech reverberated with such intensity, my entire body was shaking. There was no mistaking the pain in her cries. Frozen in fear or my own guilt, I could only stare helplessly as she begged me not to leave her.

Needing to do something, I closed my eyes and shook my head, hoping to break free of the darkness I slipped into so easily. I needed to escape. Once again, I wanted to run away from Bella.

_No! No! I am so sorry, Bella. So very sorry I hurt you._

With a sudden lurch, I was pulled from the darkness and was aware that I had slumped over and was lying on the cold dirt floor of the cave. My breathing was labored with the anxiety of hearing and seeing Bella's pain. It would only be temporary, right? For humans, time heals all wounds, isn't that what I had heard countless times. It would be that way for Bella, it needed to be that way.

The lure to go back into the darkness was all consuming, just to be able to see her. But I was a coward. I could not face her, or the pain I saw in her eyes. I could not bear it if she started to fling accusations at me. I deserved it, but that did not mean I looked for it. The natural instinct for self preservation was too strong. So once again I went back to counting the stupid water drip.

Awareness of how much time had passed was lost on me. The light from the sun did not reach this far into the cave and I no longer tuned into my internal clock. But awareness of myself came in sputters. I would find myself muttering out loud as I counted and then I was lost. I was never pulled back into the darkness, I resisted with all that I had. My focus was so hyper conscious on that steady drip of water.

I had reached over ten-million drips when a murmur broke my concentration. That voice was familiar. Panic flooded my body, but all I could do was glance around me frantically. When I saw or heard nothing else, I continued with my incessant counting. Letting the soothing water lull me back to semi-awareness.

_I'm…sorry…Edward._

This time I heard it, loud and clear even though it was the faintest of whispers. Automatically I closed my eyes, if I did not see her, if I did not look upon those soft brown eyes, she would go away. Please, please go away I chanted over and over under my breath, all the while never losing my count.

_Tell me why you ran from me before._

Before I could even blink, I answered her. _You know why. _We spoke those same words that wondrous day at the meadow. Back then I ran because I did not want to hurt her, and she surprised me by creeping even closer to me. I ran now because I could not handle my own pain, because I was a coward. But I could not tell her that, I did not want to look weak.

_I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can. _Truer words had never been spoken. I could no longer resist her; I was addicted to her like a fish is to water. She was more than just my brand of heroin; she was my personal life essence. Without her, I did not truly exist.

_This is enough. _With her words, what determination I held onto disintegrated into a pile of ash and I slipped away into the darkness. I was determined to never surface again.

This time the darkness was a place of refuge. No longer did we talk about the bad things, instead we talked about the good and we spent time just looking at each other. I could exist like this for eternity and it would be enough. I knew on a deeper level that she was not real, but it was all I had. This was some form of the woman I loved and I held on with all my desperation.

When we talked, I told her stories of me growing up, the ones I could remember. I talked about my mother and what my human life was like. Her eyes never left mine and it only encouraged me to keep talking. When all my human stories were done, she asked me about different days in history and what I experienced firsthand. It was peaceful, and I was surprised by that. I expected that feeling was lost to me for forever.

During one of our silent moments, I kept hearing strange sounds. It was like someone was trying to say something, but all I got was muffled words. Whoever was talking was a great distance away. Bella looked unconcerned about it, so I did not bother to pay close attention. But it continued, and every so often, I swore I heard my name.

Shaking my head, I focused back on Bella. _I love you. Please stay. _Her voice was pleading and anxious and I did not know why. I did not want to leave her, not again. _I love you, too. I will stay right here. I don't want to go. _She smiled, but it did not reach her eyes.

Then we both heard the voices, and in unison we turned towards the sound. _They want you, they will make you leave. _Small tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.

_I promise, I will stay. No one will come and take me away. _But I could tell instantly she did not believe me. The voices got steadily closer and I could make out strangled words.

_He's here…close…time…left…_

They made no sense, so I ignored them. I turned back to Bella, but she had begun to retreat away from me. _I won't go. Please stay, Bella. Stay, for me. _I reached for her and she reached out. We could not touch, but it was enough to know she reached for me. Slowly she edged closer to me. I breathed a sigh of relief. I could not survive if I was pulled from her again.

_Edward? Can you hear me?_

That I heard and Bella did as well. The voice sounded familiar. It pulled at some deep, forgotten memory. Part of me reacted to that voice, moved towards in on instinct. But one look at Bella's terrified face and I swatted the memory away. This is where I wanted to be, with her.

_They are here now. I can't stay. _Then ever so slowly, Bella's form started to shimmer around the edges, they became blurry, out of focus. Panic filled my body, she was leaving and I could not stop her. Reaching out to her in the vain hope that I could grab onto her and she would stay.

_Don't go! Please, please stay with me! Bella!_

But no matter how much I begged and pleaded, she was not staying. Her form began to fade, growing lighter and lighter, till she was nothing more than a wisp of smoke and then she was gone. Instantly, my body was wracked by tearless sobs. My body was shaking with the pure agonizing force of them. And I still begged for her to come back, my voice nothing more than a whisper.

_Bella! Don't go, come back. I love you. Please, please come back. I am so sorry. _On and on I went there was no stopping me and I did not want to.

"Shh, it's ok. I have you." The voice was next to me and I could feel something rubbing my back. But like a child, I rejected the voice; it was not what I wanted. I tried to shrug it away, but I did not have the energy to move.

"Bella? Is that you?" But I knew, deep in my gut, it was not her and bitter disappointment filled my mind.

"No, son, it's me, Carlisle." A flood of emotions at those simple words overwhelmed me; anger, sadness and most of all relief. Slowly my awareness of my surroundings came back. I felt the cold, hard floor of the cave; I was lying on my side, curled in a ball; Carlisle next to me, rubbing soothing circles on my back.

I opened my eyes and searched for where I sensed my father to be sitting. My eyes felt dry and my lids felt like sandpaper. I could sense another presence nearby and ever so slowly, I moved my head, searching for whoever else was there. Before I could ask who was there, I got my answer.

"It's me, Edward." Alice, she was there. Then the dam broke, the memories came rushing back; the fight I had with her, the physical incident I had with my siblings, the need to run and flee; the fact that I had broken everyone's heart. The sobs that had quieted by now came back in full force. Sensing my distress, Carlisle pulled me upright and tucked me closer to his side. His arms wrapped around me.

"It's ok. Let it all out. It's going to be ok." He kept at his murmurings, treating me just like a helpless child. But I wanted it; I needed something to hold me, to keep me from falling apart.

"Do you think he hunted at all?" Alice's question was aimed towards Carlisle. Even in my state of being, I could not miss the concern in her voice. I tried to tell her, to answer, but my mouth was completely dry, there was no saliva, no venom.

"No, I don't think he has. He feels lighter, looks thinner. Plus, look at where we found him, the floor is dry and the alga has grown around him. I think he just collapsed when he got here."

"What's wrong with him? Is he ok?" Alice tried to whisper the words, but I heard, the cave walls acting like an amplifier. So I was able to hear the panic and anxiety in her voice. I knew I should be concerned that I was worrying her and maybe everyone else, but I was too busy dealing with the bombardment of sights, sounds and emotions. I felt plugged up, fuzzy and it made me hurt. My outsides were sore and tight, my insides resembled jagged edges of glass.

I had lost my Bella all over again and I had no clue how to cope with that knowledge.

"I never truly studied psychology, but I do believe he has suffered a mental breakdown." I could no longer look at Carlisle; I did not want to hear as he discussed me with Alice. I sought out the never-ending water drip and focused as intently as I could. Unfortunately, I could not block out his words entirely.

"We both know how rare it is for us to experience true change and it is usually accomplished when we find a mate. We all saw Edward as he experienced that change. But, I believe that Edward encountered something even more, something the rest of us never did." Carlisle brushed a gentle hand through my hair as he continued.

"He had to become hyper aware of his surroundings, especially when he was with Bella. Suddenly he had to monitor his own movements, the pressure of his hand as he touched her, the way he kissed her. Every movement had to be carefully monitored. Then on top of everything else, he had to be aware of Bella's reactions, her heart rate, whether she was breathing, even if she had eaten. That took an extraordinary amount of focus and concentration on his part. He has had to worry and attend to things we have never thought of and he did it for so long, it was almost automatic." His voice dropped even lower, as if he was worried I would over hear. I tried desperately not to. "Now, that is all gone, I bet it felt as if he lost part of who he was."

The last few words were murmured very low, I was not sure if I heard him right, but I heard everything else, and he was so very right. My entire world revolved around Bella, how she was doing, making sure she was safe, and that I met her needs. She was my whole purpose, my very reason for existing. And she was just gone, even the one that I found in the dark recesses of my mind, all gone.

"So it should come to no surprise that his mind could not handle the trauma of such a devastating loss." The very idea that Carlisle understood my madness eased my pain, but only fractionally.

"What can we do to help him? He has been here over a month and I don't think he had any intention of leaving. I mean, he was thinking Bella was here with him." I wanted to get angry that Alice had no clue how real it was to me. But I also knew it was never real enough, no matter how much I desired it to be so. Bella was never truly here with me.

"He did no better at the house, either. How does one help a depressed vampire?" The tone of her words was resignation, like there was no hope for me. If my family stopped believing in me, there really was nothing left for me.

"I think our first priority should get him some blood. Do you think you can bring something here? A deer or an elk would be best, much easier on his stomach." Carlisle had slipped into full healer mode, his comfort zone.

"How many?"

"Let's start out with one and see how he handles it."

"I should be back shortly. I will call the others to tell them we found him." I saw Carlisle nod his head and Alice sped out of the cave. With all the talk about blood, I could not find myself feeling thirsty. The familiar ache in the back of my throat was missing. I felt dry, that was for sure, but nothing else. I moved my head slowly to glance at Carlisle, I tried to tell him how I was not hungry, but the words would not come.

Slowly he moved me off his lap and back onto the cave floor. "We should uncurl you, help get you moving. Let me help, you may find that things are a bit stiff." With all the practiced care of a physician, he slowly moved my hands which were wrapped tightly around my folded up legs. He was right; I found I had little capacity for controlled movement. I found I could wiggle my fingers, but needed his help in moving my larger muscle groups.

Throughout all this, I kept glancing at my father, looking for something, but not sure what and if I wanted to find it. If Carlisle noticed my furtive glances, he did not mention them. Instead he continued in his calming, bedside manner to help me get moving. In a manner of a few minutes, I was able to walk shakily on my own.

"I think, once you have fed, you will have much more control over your body." After watching me move by myself, he sank back down to the floor and looked at me expectantly.

Feeling uncomfortable with his gaze, I just kept moving, fearing what may happen in I sit back down.

"I know you are hurting son, we all know. What can I do to help? To see you in such agony…" His voice trailed, unable to find the words to convey how he felt. I tried to muster up concern over my father's distress. But I could find none.

"I just wonder if maybe you thought of going back?" If the walls of the cave did not echo, I may have missed those last few words. As it was, they bounced all around me and inside my mind. Go back….go back… The lure of those two simple words was immensely undeniable. To be able to see her, to hear her, to _smell _her; it filled me with such acute longing. Carlisle sensed my hesitancy and continued in a rush of words.

"You miss you and love her deeply. Why be apart? We would all protect her, she would be safe. You would be happy; our family would be whole once again. Why deny you the one thing that you love most in this world?" In that split second, I heard the thoughts that Carlisle had been guarding, or maybe they were the first unconscious thoughts I had heard in a long time. Whatever the reason, they were crystal clear to me. _Did I do the right thing in agreeing to leave, maybe I should have insisted he think things through, helped him see reason. Wouldn't it be better if Bella was one of us?_

"No!" I tried to shout it, but all I could manage was a fierce croak, my throat was completely parched. "No, Bella is staying human, that is why I left! Don't you see Carlisle? If I stayed, there would have been some accident where the only way to save her would be to change her. I would have begged you to save her because I could not lose her. I will not be the reason she loses her soul, I cannot have that on my conscious. She deserves so much more."

I sank suddenly to the ground, the energy it took for me to say all that while pacing furiously took what little energy I had left. My gaze captured his and I held it, I wanted him to see how much I need Bella to stay human. "All that is important to me is that Bella remains a human for the rest of her natural life. That is the _only _thing that is important to me, everything else I am unconcerned with." Let him think what he may of that statement, I was not taking it back. I meant it, every single word.

The surprised look on Carlisle's face showed that he understood the unspoken implications. My family, my life, my very sanity took a backseat to Bella and her humanity.

Before Carlisle could argue with me, we both heard as Alice entered the cave. From the smell of it she was carrying a small deer. I was proved right as she came around the corner and the deer was slung over her tiny shoulders.

"I hope this will do. Are you feeling thirsty?" She turned her amber eyes towards me. _We will talk later. Until then, why don't you eat something? _With that she unceremoniously dropped the deer at my feet. "Dinner is served." A smile attempted to reach my face; instead it came out as a slight turn of the corners of my mouth.

Even with the animal close at hand, I could not work up any amount of desire to drink. But with two pairs of very anxious eyes staring at me, I had no choice but to drink. Alice had managed to incapacitate the animal, which allowed its heart to continue to pump the blood. I pulled the neck of the animal up to my lips and bit down over the main artery.

Warm, thick blood poured into my mouth and down to my stomach. It helped with the parched feeling, but brought no other relief. Instead, I felt bloated and uncomfortable. I drank slowly and cautiously, I could hear Carlisle's thoughts that I not drink too much too soon. After a few minutes, the animal was drained dry. I pushed it away from me and Alice took it out of the cave.

"Do you feel better? Would you like Alice to get you another?" Carlisle showed nothing but concern for my welfare.

"I feel full; I don't think I could drink anymore. Maybe later on I could have some more." I kept my face neutral, as to not betray how uncomfortable I really felt. The small smile on his face let me know he believed my lie.

"Well, if you are feeling up to it, maybe we can head back to the house, slowly of course, so you don't tire." I did not want to go back; there was nothing there for me. What I wanted was some purpose to this life. But what that purpose may be, well, I had no clue.

But I knew that my father and sister wanted to go back home. They had mates that were waiting for them. There was no need for them to be here with me, but they were not leaving without me. With a terse nod, I agreed to go back.

All of us made our way out of the cave. Once out, I realized I had no real understanding of where I was. Looking back on my flight, I just ran. I paid no attention to where I was, or where I had been. I remembered nothing of my journey to the cave.

Seeing my disorientation, Carlisle offered encouragement," It's quite understandable that you may not know where you are. The fight or flight response is one of our more potent instincts and you were in full flight mode."

"It's why it took me so long to find you," chimed Alice. "I watched your progress the best I could when I was able to keep up. But you made no real choices, you acted on instinct alone."

I was curious as to how long they had been searching for me and when I questioned Carlisle, he brushed me off stating, "It does not matter. All we wanted was to find you safe. Why don't you follow me?" With that, he took off into the woods, running a gentle pace.

I made my attempt to follow, but Alice pulled me by my arm. "Let's hang back, we need to talk."

The look in her eyes told me, there was no getting out of this. I would have to let her have her say, no matter what it was about.

**A/N: So we have seen Edward's lowest point, I don't want to fee that so...please review. You know you want a teaser!**


	11. Ch 10 Confrontations and Declarations

**A/N: Here is the next chapter.. sorry for the delay, I have very busy beta's. And speaking of betas.. I have 2 of the most AWESOME beta's ever- PisceanPal23 and CullenandSwan1993- thanks ladies!**

**To everyone who has put this story as a favorite or done an alert.. it means the world to me! THANKS! Please review... they make my heart go pitter patter! :)**

**As always- I do not own Twilight or any of the characters- except in my dreams- *big sigh* Enjoy the next chapter!**

Confrontations and Declarations

I swallowed the groan that threatened to fall from my lips. On some level I expected this to happen; it didn't mean I wanted it. What was there to say? I had said everything I wanted to. There would be no taking it back, for every word I said was true. Reaching out with my mind, I tried to penetrate Alice's thoughts. Instead, I ran into her translating the Declaration of Independence into Latin. It's going to be one of _those _conversations.

Knowing it was childish, I refused to be the one to break the silence. If Alice had something on her mind, let her be the one to talk first. Together we jogged, following Carlisle's scent back to the house. My senses were overloaded with information, almost too much to process. The wind as it swept through the trees, the birds flying overhead, the bright sun as it filtered through the dense forest. Even the smell of Carlisle and Alice added to the melee of sounds and sights. I concentrated on focusing on each individually, hoping to ease my brain and senses into everything. Slowly, it worked, for it no longer was a din of noise, but a background hum.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was soft and kind. It had been too long since I heard Alice speak to me this way. I looked over at her and her tawny eyes were full of sincerity. She tried to pull the corners of her mouth into a smile, but it looked all wrong. I waited to see if she would explain what she was sorry for. This was not going to be an easy give or take.

"I never meant to hurt you with the images of Bella." Hearing her name uttered caused a spasm of pain to flash through my body. I had tried not to say it too much, knowing the agony it brought. Alice watched me and I saw my torment reflected in her eyes.

"Even that hurts?" Her question was innocent enough, but the implications that were layered throughout ran deep. We both knew that it would be next to impossible for everyone to not think her name and if I cringed each time... Well, it was going to be a long existence.

"I just wanted you to know, that she hurts too. I just wanted things back the way they were." She hung her head in sadness; it was obvious she missed Bella as well.

"It won't last long." I punctuated each word, to demonstrate the deep belief I held that she would not hurt for long. "You even showed her at school. She moved on, like I wanted her to." I held Alice's gaze, convey to her how much I needed to believe this. Alice's tiny mouth thinned out and her eyes grew hard. She wanted to say something, argue her point. But what was the use? I held onto my frail convictions; they were all I had left.

"You can't live like this. You're not even living, you're just a shell." Her words brought me up short. Was that how I looked to her, to Carlisle, and the rest of my family? Looking inside, I realized how true her words were. There was nothing left. My spirit lay in a heap of dust in the cave. My dead heart lay broken and shattered in a forest in Forks. My desire to continue being was also in Forks. What else did I have?

I found myself on my knees with Alice kneeling in front of me, watching my frozen terrified face. She grabbed my hands and rubbed soothing circles on the backs. Her emotions played across her face; concern, fear, sadness and anger.

Bending down so I could see her eyes she whispered, "This is madness, Edward. How can you continue on like this, for an eternity?" Shaking my head vigorously, I rejected her question. "Not eternity, only until she dies, then I try to die as well."

"What?" She jerked her hands out of mine and began to pace the small area I had stopped in. Her body was quaking from the force of her emotions. At first I had no idea why she was reacting this way. The idea that I would end my miserable existence soon after she passed away was so engrained, I felt as if it had always been my plan. Realization came slowly as I figured out Carlisle must have kept that piece of information to himself. I could see that he would not share it with Esme; it would only cause her a great deal of stress. But for him to carry that knowledge alone, I was dumbfounded.

"That is the craziest idea I have ever heard Edward. Absolute insanity. Why? Why would you think of doing such a thing?" Her words were spat out as if she could not get them out fast enough. For a brief moment I looked at my sister. She was the only one who I felt ever understood me, who shared the same burdens as me, so it was hard to believe that she did not comprehend the depth of my feelings for Bella.

"There would be no living in a world where she did not exist. I could not fathom a reality like that." My voice was the barest of whispers. But there was no denying the honesty in them. Once again, we stared at each other, Alice trying to understand what I was saying, me trying desperately to help her understand.

"From the moment I admitted I loved her, I made it my mission to do everything I could to make her happy. To love her the only way I knew how. But, in Arizona, when the chance of losing her was real, it was then I knew I could not truly _be _without her. But her birthday changed all that, Alice. Can't you see? I was faced with another all too real possibility that she would not live the long human life she was meant to have. I could not bear for that to happen. That is I left, why we all had to leave."

By now I had crumbled to the ground, the force of reliving some of the most painful times in my life was too great. But still I looked at Alice. For the first time, I let her see all that I had tried to hide from her, from everyone else in my family; the pure and raw fear and vulnerability when it came to Bella.

Although I did not know what response I would get, Alice's sudden outburst took me by surprise. She was angry, beyond that, she was downright furious. "That has to be the most backward rationalization I have ever heard, even from you. It makes no sense!" Her words confused me. Did she not think I truly loved Bella with everything that I was? My bewilderment was evident for Alice clarified.

"No, I know that you love her, we all know that. Even without Jasper's ability, it was evident." Her voice was softer, calmer. She must have sensed my discomfort and distress. She took my face into her tiny hands, her grip like steel. She looked me squarely in the eyes. I had no choice.

"What makes no sense to me or anyone else is that you left her to save her. You left her to find another life? Do you honestly believe that she can, that she even wants to? I mean deep down inside, do you ever see her moving past you? She loves you as much as you do." Alice words rang with perfect sincerity; she believed what she was saying.

But I could not believe in them. I could not have that hope. It was too dangerous of an emotion to feel. Closing my eyes, I could no longer look at Alice. The absolute trust in her convictions was too powerful to watch. Alice held on to the idea that I was worthy of such a love, that an angel could see me as desirable. All the pain and misery that pulled at my insides was clawing away again. It was ripping the jagged pieces of my spirit, letting them sail in the wind. Each ache was just one more in a long line of agony I had sentenced myself to endure.

When she saw that I would not answer her question, she released my face. Quickly I hung my head. I could not let Alice see the depth of my pain, she should not be aware of such torment. Instead, I flung another question at her.

"This is my choice. I did not ask for your approval, not even your understanding. I need neither. All I ask is that you leave me alone. Why can't you just let me be?" I could not hold back the desperation in my voice. I did not want to be a burden on any member of my family; all I wanted was to be alone. It was safer for everyone involved.

A word I never thought I would hear Alice utter, flew from her lips. Looking at her now, her face was contorted into a mask of pain, fury and pity. Her thoughts were just as chaotic, it was making me nervous.

"You are absolutely clueless, Edward. Do you know why we came looking for you? Do you have _any _idea? I tried to follow you as you ran; watching you through my visions, but it was hard. You made no real decisions, you ran on instinct alone. I was lucky I caught you choosing to enter the cave. But that was all I saw." Her words made no sense, I had no idea what she was trying to tell me and my patience was wearing thin. If she wasn't my favorite sibling, I would be gone. But I owed her, not for this, but for everything else she did for me.

Speaking slowly, Alice continued, "Don't you understand?" She was right, I didn't. "You never came out. I never saw you leave. You were never going to make that decision. I waited, no- we all waited for you to make that choice, but as time went on, it never happened."

For the life of me, I did not see her point. Would that be so bad to stay there? There I had the quiet and solitude and I had my Bella. What more was there to this miserable existence? I already proved that I could no longer be around my family. I was completely useless. But I did not tell this to Alice, so I looked at her, wanting her to get where she was going.

"Each day Esme asked me if I had seen you, without fail. Do you know how it broke my heart to tell her no? It got to the point where she no longer asked me out loud, just a look from her to me. I had to watch as her face fell and walk away when I had nothing to tell her. How could you do that? It was like you just gave up. Is that what you are doing?"

Knowing that my actions once again brought pain to my family and Esme at that, it just added to the misery I was already feeling. I did not want to hurt her or anyone else, but what else could I do? My insides were bleeding; they were so raw that breathing hurt. The desire to do much more than lay on that cold stone floor was beyond my capabilities.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt anyone. It's just…" How could I describe the complete and utter agony I felt? It was more than just my insides lay in shambles. It was more than my spirit being crushed and decimated. I was lost, adrift; a part of me had been wrenched from my entire being. There was no way to fix that, I was broken. "I am so very sorry." It was a miserable apology, but I could find no other words.

"That's not good enough." If Alice thought she could goad me into action, she was mistaken.

"I know, Alice. I know that all too well." I was not capable of anything else. I hung my head in shame and defeat.

"But that is not the worst of it, not even close." Her words shocked me, what other unseen pain had I managed to inflict upon my family?

"The worst is that we all feel it, Edward, every single one of us. That's because you are my brother and I love you, we all do. It's because your pain is our pain. Even more horrible, it won't change a damn thing." With that, Alice began to throw image after image at me. Each punctuated with her own commentary.

_Bella and I sitting in the lunch room, me smiling. _"You were happy with her, Edward!"

_Bella looking at me and I did not notice, the look on her face was one of joy. _"She loves you, adores you."

_All of us spending time together, Bella laughing with the rest of us. _"She brought joy and happiness to us all."

Then she flung images of the future, one that was altered after my actions, or so I thought.

_Bella with red eyes, pale, marble skin. Alice by her side._

_The two of us running in the forest._

_Our meadow, in blazing sun, both of us sparkling like diamonds._

"This future has not changed. After all this time, it remains. It was destined to happen." Her words which started rough and insistent ended on a sigh. "One day, she will be like us, a part of this family."

My head shook violently. It was impossible. Alice had no clue what she was saying. She was replaying visions she had in the past, trying to make me think they are new ones. No longer could I trust Alice to be honest with me, to be the only person I could depend on. I now truly felt all alone.

"You're lying. She will never become like us. Even if I was in her life, she would remain human. That was my first plan. All this is just wish fulfillment, an over active imagination." I needed to get out of here, out of this pointless conversation. There was nothing she could do or show me that would ever change my mind.

I did not bother to see how my accusations would make Alice feel, I did not have it in me to care. Instead, I had an overwhelming desire to flee, once again. But where should I go? After Alice's little rant, I knew I would do more harm than good if I stayed with my family. While my absence in their life hurt them, it would be nothing if they had to watch me suffer, day after day. They did not need to see that. But, if I was honest with myself, I could not be with them. To bear witness to all the love that came with three sets of matched lovers was unbearable. It would also serve as a constant reminder that I was not worthy of such a love in my existence.

Slowly and without thinking, I began to follow Carlisle's scent. My mind began to wonder as I made my way through the forest. I couldn't help but wonder if Alice was right. Was all that I was going through; all that I was putting my family through, worth it? Were my actions unable to change the future? Once again, I was at war with myself. There was a small part of me that truly desired that Alice was right, that I was fighting against the inevitable. _NO! _The future was never set in stone. I have seen firsthand how true that could be. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to make sense of the conflicting thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind.

I knew that I could not go back. I had made a promise to her and I was going to keep it. I also knew that time would help heal her. She would grieve and she would be able to move on. I stopped my running as a spasm of pain ripped through me. I clung to the tree next to me as I struggled for breath. Uninhibited, images of Bella with another man swept through my mind. They were painful beyond all comprehension. Try as I might, they would not stop.

Frustration poured out of me, I pounded the tree next to me and the trunk shattered and fell with a mighty crack. Birds screamed in distress overhead. Anger, terror and sadness threatened to pull me under and for a brief moment I almost gave in. It would have been effortless for me to succumb. But, I fought it. It felt like a heavy weight was pressing down upon me, smothering me. Inch by inch, I pushed it away from me. Where the strength came from, I did not know, but I did not question it.

Soon, the weight was far enough away that I could breathe. The images that caused my pain had ceased. They were now floating in the furthest recesses of my mind. They were in the same place I stored my more painful memories of Bella and I. With some semblance of calm restored, I began to follow Carlisle's trail once more.

Now, more than at any other time, I knew I needed to do something. I could no longer run aimlessly and I knew that my family would keep me from sinking back into the soothing blackness I found in my cave. What choices were left to me after that, I still struggled to figure that out. I knew without a doubt, I wanted to do something worthy; something that would give back to the fates for allowing me the brief and wondrous time with my Bella. Whatever it was, it needed to honor Bella herself. Suddenly, I had a moment of stark clarity. The answer lay within my grasp. It was the perfect solution and it came with and unexpected bonus. It would ensure that the one important person to me was kept safe and sound. A slight smile turned the corners of my mouth. It was a perfect idea.

With a buoyancy and purpose I had not felt in a long time, I increased my pace toward the house. There was much to do and I would need to prepare. I would need to talk to Jasper and Emmett, their insight and opinions would be of immeasurable help. Plans began to formulate quickly and I arranged them continuously until I felt I had a solid framework to begin from.

I also needed to plan how to let the others know. If I believed they would agree with me and let me go my merry way, well, then I had to be insane. No, after all I had done to them; they would not be as accepting or understanding. Without a doubt, my brothers would want to join me. But, this was for me. I _needed _to do this. I knew that I did not deserve the love that Bella gave me, so this was a small token to repay her love.

It would never be enough. But it would be a start. I could see that maybe that would be my new purpose now. To do the things that may prove I was worthwhile of such a love. Bella always thought better of me, I wanted to try and live up to her expectations. It was a lofty goal, one I was quite certain I may never achieve. But that wasn't the point. No, there was more to it. It was the journey, the experience of finally doing right by someone; that was the point.

Slowly the house came into view and the chatter of my family's voices and thoughts became clearer. I was surprised to discover that somewhere on my way back, Alice had past me and beat me to the house. My words must have upset her once again. I would have to apologize to her before I left. I could not leave when I knew I had hurt and upset her. Our relationship meant too much to me.

As I drew closer, the voices dimmed but their thoughts became louder.

_At last! He is home. I was very worried. I missed him. _The concern I heard from Esme was enough to make me hang my head. She did not deserve to hurt. She was too loving and open for that.

_Great, he's back. Maybe everyone can chill out. We can get back to normal. _I bit back the growl that threatened to erupt at Rosalie's inane comment. How little did she understand my love for Bella? However, Emmett's thoughts soothed me. _Glad to have you back. Missed you. It's not the same without you. _I smiled, I missed him as well.

_I wonder if he needs someone to talk to, I still feel so responsible. _Jasper was harboring guilt and that pained me. I had hoped our earlier talk would have cleared the air. For a fleeting moment I entertained the idea of talking to Jasper, to finally let out all the poisonous thoughts and feelings that were raging inside me. But this was my burden to bear; I could never hoist it on anyone, not even to gain a reprieve myself.

I marshaled my determination and belief in my new path in life and entered the house. Instantly I was engulfed in Esme's loving but fierce arms. I felt the slight tremor from her body as she tried to hold back her sobs.

"You will never do that again, Edward Cullen. Do you hear me?" Her plea was whispered into my ear. No doubt everyone else could hear, but she did not care. "You can't runaway like that. You had me so very worried." I held her close, hoping to find a way to calm her down. I hated to see her so upset. I worried that I would disappoint her when she discovered I was leaving again. Maybe if she could see how important this was to me, how I needed to do this. It was the only way I could see to set things right.

Eventually Esme released me from her arms, but she held tightly to my hand. Her thoughts were of trying to keep me close, to keep me safe. She pulled me down to the closest sofa, never letting go of me.

"You look like hell, Ed. Trying to lose weight?" Leave it to Emmett to break the tension in the room. It was impossible not to laugh. Even I managed a weak chuckle. There was no way I could be mad at him.

"Emmett, that was uncalled for." Esme's voice was full of condemnation.

"it's ok, Esme, really. Emmett is just being honest in his special way." To say that everyone looked at me strange would be an understatement. By the looks and jumbled thoughts, you would have thought I sprouted another head. Their reactions were all warranted, my behaviors were incorrigible to say the least.

"I am sorry, to everyone. I did not mean to worry you. This is much harder than I ever envisioned." I could feel the pain trying to come to the surface, beckoning me to the darkness. I fought it back. There was much more pressing issues to deal with. Esme's hand gripped me even tighter; I focused on her quiet strength.

"You here now, with your family. We are here for you." I closed my eyes at Esme's words. Now I knew it would break her heart when I left.

"Thank you, that means a lot to me. But, I can't stay." If I wasn't nearly as strong as Esme, my arm would be detached from my body and being used to hit me. I had never heard such passionate thoughts from my mother. I placed a placating hand on her arm.

"I am not running away. But, I have something I need to do, something that is extremely important to me." I took a deep breath of courage and continued in a rush of words. "I am going to look for Victoria and kill her."

**A/N: Soo now the hunt for Victoria begins! Once again- I will give teasers about the next chapter to anyone who reviews...so please review.. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. So-hit that button and give me some love! Please?**


	12. Ch 11 Plans and Strategies

**A/N: So very sorry for the long delay everyone! There is a reason. I recently lost of of my betas- CullenandSwan1993- and I want to thank her for all the help she has given to me and the story so far. Due to this and the fact that my other beta-PisceanPal23 is in school, I was unable to update like I wanted. But no fear, my awesome beta is on a break and has recently caught up. Now I need to go do some major editing! So, please, bear with me.. I have already 5 to 6 chapters finished and I am working like mad on writing more. I WILL finish this story.**

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Plans and Strategies

I was not surprised by the cacophony of thoughts, both verbal and non-verbal that came after my little announcement. My sisters were disbelieving. Rosalie was thinking of herself and how she felt this affected her. Alice was convinced I was truly insane. Jasper and Emmett were already calculating methods, search tactics, even the fight itself. I would have to talk to them before they get their hopes. This was a mission.

Esme looked both sad and furious. Her entire body trembled and I could hear from her thoughts that it was not in fear. "NO! Absolutely not! That is out of the question." Esme's eyes were wide and frantic and she was thoroughly pissed off. It was rare the times that we saw her this way. Carlisle rushed to her side, engulfing her in his arms. He stroked her hair, whispering calming noises in her ear. She struggled against him.

"Let me go, Carlisle. I have stayed silent for far too long. I will say my piece." She whirled from his grasp and turned to glare at me. Her eyes darkened as the intense emotions she felt overtook her. All we could do was watch her and try to stay out of her way.

She pointed an accusatory finger in my direction. "I have tried to be supportive and understanding of the choices that you have made, even if I did not agree with them. But after watching you slowly die inside and watched as the sadness and grief consume you, I can no longer stay silent. You are making extremely poor choices. You are being foolish, stubborn and making dangerous decisions. I refuse to stand by and watch as you self destruct. Nothing good can come from this new little plan of yours." With that, her body relaxed its rigid posture and she melted into Carlisle. She finally released the tangle of emotions she had been holding in.

Knowing that I would have to choose my words carefully, I spoke softly, looking only at her. I gently clasped her hands into my mine.

"I know my behavior has been reprehensible and I have caused you pain and fear. I am very sorry and I know that doesn't even begin to make up for the things I have done. I also know that the choices I have made are hard to understand. I don't know if I will ever be able to explain them to make them easier on you." I watched as Esme relaxed, ever so slightly at my words. She stared into my eyes, looking for something; understanding or truth. It was hard to tell what she found there.

"I know that the idea of me on a hunt for Victoria terrifies you. I do not discount that, nor do I take your concern lightly. But this is something I need to do. I have not handled the loss of Bella," my voice faltered slightly on her name. Esme's eyes tightened when she saw the pain that lay just underneath the surface. I continued in a rush, needing to get it all out.

"I have not handled my loss well. But, I feel that in looking for Victoria and killing her, I will have made Bella that much safer. Victoria knows of Bella, knows where she is and well…that scares me." The words were whispered, for they were finally spoken out loud. The terror I felt knowing that one of my kind knew of Bella and could do her harm was too much. "While she may no longer be in my life, it doesn't mean I do not want to make her world safer. I owe that to her." Guilt and shame colored my words. For the first time, I let my family see the immense well of emotion I had inside. All my pain, hurt, loss, sadness and anger was on full display.

"Please, understand that I need to do this. It is the only way I know how to make things right while honoring the promises I made to her." My lips barely moved, the words were nothing more than a breath of air, but I had no doubt each of them heard it.

Caressing my cheek with her hand, Esme looked probingly into my eyes and asked the question I feared the most. "When this madness is all done, are you coming home to stay?"

Calling upon every skill I possessed, every role I had played in my rebellion to charm and soothe, I lied. "Yes."

_Edward! I know… _Alice's thoughts screamed in my brain but I held a few fingers up to her, telling her to stop. No one knew what had transpired. To the rest it simply looked liked I flexed my fingers before they rested on the ones covering my cheek. I would deal with Alice later.

Everyone, including Esme relaxed the rigid postures they were holding at my simple, but bold faced lie. _Thank you, Edward. I am sorry I yelled at you. But I couldn't stand by and say nothing anymore, I love you too much. _I smiled gently for my mother. "I love you too, Mom." I whispered the words as she hugged me. I felt like a cad, lying to the sweetest, kindest person I had ever known. But it was necessary. I could tell there was no other way that she would let me go; at least without completely destroying her.

"I think I would like to shower now. Jasper, Emmett, can we go hunting later? I would like to talk to you both." I heard them both give their enthusiastic responses mentally. I nodded to let them know I heard them and rushed up the stairs.

I needed time to think and the excuse of a shower afforded me that. Somehow I would have to persuade my brothers not to follow me. It wasn't that I didn't want them to come along. In fact, part of me did not want to do this alone, I was afraid of being alone. But the stronger part of me craved the victory of the kill. It was my duty and mine alone.

It was no surprise that Alice followed right behind me as I walked into my room. I tried to ignore her as I picked new clothes and turned to go to the bathroom. She blocked my exit with her arm and a glare. _I am waiting._

The patience I had for her earlier was gone. Her constant meddling in my life lately was starting to irritate me. She was getting on my last nerve. I was getting tired of her interference and the smug attitude in which she did it. It was time to get her off my back once and for all. My eyes narrowed on her as I walked up to her, leaning close to her ear just to make sure no one downstairs over heard.

"Fine, you want to go tell her the truth, go for it. But don't blame me when I leave anyways and it breaks her heart. You want to be the one to do that, be my guest. I always figured you had it in you to be a bitch." With that I pushed past her and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door, effectively ending any further discussion on the matter.

I could hear Alice's shocked and hurt thoughts before she left the house. I tried to muster up some remorse for my callous words, but could find none. I was tired of her interfering in my life.

Stepping into the shower, I let the water fall over me. Normally there was no need for a shower; we did not produce any unpleasant body odor. But after a month or so in a cave, I was dirty. Dried mud caked my hair and parts of my skin. Plus, the warm water was soothing, it gave me plenty of time to plan and think.

I knew that Jasper's history and expertise would be invaluable to me. He could plan strategy better than anyone else I had ever met. Emmett, well he would be raring for some action, especially if it was of the physical and slightly violent kind. But from their excited thoughts, they expected to accompany me on my search for Victoria. It was hard to discern if it was to keep an eye on me or because they really wanted to see Victoria dead as much as I did. I hoped it was the latter but I had a feeling I would not be so lucky.

Once I was out of the shower and dressed in some clean clothes I searched for my brothers. They were waiting for me in the living room. It was then that I finally noticed that the house was complete. In my absence, Esme had finished the remodeling. It was stunning. The living room was light and open, just the way she liked it. The kitchen had a modern but old-fashioned feel to it. I could see the parlor looked comfy and warm. Esme had really out done herself once again. I knew I should acknowledge all her hard work and effort.

"The house looks wonderful, Esme. You have a gift." I gave her a small hug. Smiling just for her, which was all part of the lie I was crafting, I turned towards my waiting brothers. "Are you ready to go?"

Emmett smiled widely and let out a small snort, "We were waiting for you to finish your primping." I rolled my eyes, which seemed very much like my old self, and ignored him. Jasper was quiet, but I could see a small grin turn the corners of his mouth. In a few quick strides, the three of us were out of the house and bounding into the forest.

We ran in silence, which was fine with me. I needed time to collect my thoughts and perfect my mask. I had to keep up the pretense of handling my pain, though I was far from it. But one little slip in my role and Esme would do everything in her power to stop me.

There was more to my reason for not wanting to stay, more than just the need to honor Bella. Now that I had experienced how love could make me feel, that it allowed me to be happy. I knew it would be impossible for me to be with my family; to watch day after day as they continued to have their mates close by. It would be impossible to 'hear' their love, both emotional and physical, but to watch the love they have; that would be excruciating. To watch the small kisses, soft smiles, and lingering touches- it would be too much for me to take.

Feeling the pain and darkness pulling at me, I tried to push it back. I could not lose it now, not when I was close to the solitude I desperately craved. I needed to keep the pain at bay until I left on my search, then I could give into the pain when it was too much.

_Hey! Herd about 2 miles west of here. _Jasper broke into my concentration as he caught wind of a herd of elk. I nodded to him and we took off in pursuit of the animals. The smell of them turned my stomach. Not counting the small deer Alice had brought me a few hours ago, I had not eaten in over a month. The lure of the blood should have captivated me. But I felt nothing. There was no pull towards the pulsing blood, there was no monster begging to be fed. There was just hollowness, a complete and utter emptiness.

Knowing that it would raise suspicion if I failed to hunt appropriately, I slinked down into my hunting crouch. Emmett had looped a wider arc and was coming at them from behind. Jasper and I split up and moved on the herd from the front. In a matter of a few seconds, we simultaneously sprang and reached the herd at the same time. I quickly took down two of the larger males closest to me and I began to drain them.

I had to fight to keep all the blood down. The warm stickiness coated my throat and flowed into my empty stomach and the whole time I had to grapple with nausea. I threw the last of the elk carcass from me and closed my eyes as I drew in clean air. Off in the distance I could hear Jasper as he finished the last of his elk and Emmett was chasing one that dared to flee. A smile tugged at my lips, Emmett loved the chase. Maybe we could try to find some bears; it would give us both some entertainment.

A few hours later and another two deer for me we sat on a rocky out crop overlooking the forest. My stomach felt full and painfully distended. I found the last animal went down a bit easier. Maybe as I resumed my natural hunting pattern, I would enjoy the hunt once more.

"So, when do we leave to hunt down Victoria?" The look of unadulterated excitement was written all across Emmett's face. I swallowed the guilt I felt at his eagerness.

"_We _are not going, Emmett. This is for Edward alone." Jasper's quiet declaration took us both off guard. How did he know? Jasper watched me intently, seeing the confusion and relief flit across my face. "Alice told me before she left." He answered my silent question. "But even without her telling me, I knew this was something Edward wanted to do by himself."

The wisdom that dwelt in Jasper was limitless. Once again, I was struck by the need for an older brother's counsel. It served a purpose last time, do I dare hope that he would grant me further advice.

"Seriously? Oh, man! That just sucks! Why can't we come along?" Whiney Emmett was more impossible to handle than overly excited Emmett.

"Because, like Jazz stated, I need to do this by myself." I struggled to find an analogy that Emmet would understand. I doubted he had ever felt the burning desire to prove himself, to figure out if he was worthy. Seeing that he was getting a tad anxious at my silence, I plunged ahead.

"Did you ever feel, as either a human or vampire, the need to prove you could do something; to feel a sense of accomplishment?" I watched his eyes as he contemplated my words. His thoughts were a mix of human and vampire memories, he quickly sorted through them, trying to find a point of reference. Finally he hit upon something from his human years, a memory of him playing ball with his father. He played it for me; it was dim and hazy, like most of our human memories. But what he did remember was how happy he felt when he could consistently catch a ball. Most of all, he remembered the look upon his father's face. That made him happiest of all.

"Yea," I whispered. "It's like that for me. Just like you wanted to make your father proud, I need to make Bella safe; to know that she is truly safe." I looked into his gold eyes and saw complete understanding.

"That doesn't mean I don't need your help, both of you. I do, immensely. I need you both to tell me how you perceived Victoria, what you felt from her, how she moved. I need you both to get me into fighting shape and I need an idea of how to find her." There was an obvious edge to my voice. My desire to get Victoria was great. There would be no doubt; this was my new mission in life.

Instantly I was bombarded by images of Victoria, from many points of view. I saw as Jasper tracked her movement, very sure and cautious. Emmett noticed how her eyes constantly scanned the areas, moving her body towards possible avenues of escape.

"She was very confident in James and in her own abilities." Jasper spoke out loud to include Emmett in the discussion. Emmett agreed with his assessment. I asked questions about things that Esme or Rosalie may have noticed about her. Jasper stated that Esme was more focused on keeping Charlie safe. Emmett told me that Rosalie was frustrated that she always seemed to be a step or two in front of them. Like she always knew what they were going to do.

"No, she did not have my gift." I answered Emmett's unconscious pondering if she shared a similar gift as mine.

"What about James' thoughts, did anything pertain to her?" I shook my head at Jasper. "No, his thoughts were very focused on what he was doing to Bella and what he wanted me to do." I repressed a shudder at the memory of Bella bloodied and broken. "I didn't even hear the thoughts about Alice."

Jasper's eyes tightened at the mention of the knowledge James' had about Alice. "How I wish I would have known. I would have made sure he spilled everything he knew." His voice had a hard edge. He wished that he could provide answers to the missing parts of Alice's life.

Feeling the need to stop thinking about that awful day I proposed we find a clearing and work on fighting skills. Emmett jumped at that suggestion and ran off in search of such a place. We found one about 50 miles from where we were. It was surrounded by a rocky hill on one side, a river on the opposite side and forest on the remaining sides. It was slightly oval and the ground was fairly level. It was smaller than our previous baseball field, but it would work for the three of us.

This is where Jasper's military training paid off. For the next few hours, I watched as he and Emmett wrestled and fought. I got much more out of watching them then fighting myself. Emmett was pure strength and muscle, Jasper was quickness and litheness. They grappled and spun in intricate circles. Every once in a while I would hear a crunch like gravel as their blows landed on the other.

Finally I asked to join in. I used the excuse that it had been too long since I had any physical action and that I wanted to test my skills. In reality, I worried that I would not be able to use my extra hearing. Even with just them here, it was loud and overwhelming. I needed to get used to the noise again. I would need to depend on it if I was to have any hope of defeating Victoria.

So I opened my mind wide. Suddenly I heard Emmett's joy over me joining the match. He was trying to think of something else, like the periodic table, but he could not hold it for long. Jasper was testing the mood around me. He felt that there was much I was hiding and he did not understand why. It was painful and chaotic in my head. So much so, that Emmett was able to get a few swipes at me. His internal _Gotcha _pulled me from my reverie. Seeing his intent seconds before he acted, I spun and caught him from behind. I twisted his arm along his back and grabbed his neck.

"Now I got you." The smile erupted before I had a chance to think about it. It felt wrong, out of place, but I let it go. She could not begrudge me this small measure of happiness. No, she was selfless; it would have made her happy to see me smile.

A few hours later we were all sitting on the riverbank. Jasper talked to me about what techniques may be more useful against Victoria and Emmett was planning on a rematch with Jasper. He was still upset that Jasper was able to pin him down, on his stomach.

"How do you plan on finding her?" Emmett took a break from his scheming long enough to rejoin my conversation with Jasper.

"That I am not sure of. Being a nomad, she could be anywhere. I guess my only hope is to do a systematic search for her. She will have to feed; I could look for murders that fit the profile of a vampire feed." I turned towards Jasper, looking for any other ideas he may have.

"I think that is the best possible plan. Without knowing much about her previous habits and patterns, you will have your work cut out for you. One thing on your side is your speed. You should be able to cover lots of ground."

With no other ideas, we decided to return to the house and map out the search pattern. On the way back we decided to hunt once more. Emmett caught the scent of a bear and took off. A small herd of moose pulled Jasper and I in another direction. This time I only took one, still feeling full from earlier.

We arrived home in the middle of the night, Esme was busy packing and Alice was on the computer. She did not glance in my direction or address me in her thoughts. Instead she was focused on the dress she was creating.

Esme stopped her packing to greet us. Her eyes took in my slightly flushed skin, the color of my eyes and smiled brightly. She was pleased to see me looking better. "Did you boys have fun?"

"Yes. It felt nice to get out." I returned her smile. "Looks like your packing, can I help?" It felt like the right thing to do.

Esme's thoughts were completely overjoyed at my demeanor. She felt that I had found some semblance of normalcy. She was beginning to hope that my dark days were over. A spasm of guilt made my stomach tighten. I hated the fact that I was lying to her, but I was desperate to leave this house.

"I would love your help. Since you will be leaving, Carlisle figured we should get moving to Ithaca. When do you think you will be leaving?" Her voice was calm, but her thoughts were full of worry.

_Maybe I should ask that he come with us first, before he leaves. Get him to spend more time with us. What if he doesn't return? No, he told me he would come back; I have to believe in that. _

I quickly turned my eyes to the stack of boxes on the floor and began assembling them. I did not deserve Esme's trust and in fact I was doing everything in my power to destroy it. I worried that it did not bother me much, just like my verbal altercation with Alice. Where was my usual concern for my family, to make sure that I had not needlessly hurt them? I searched deep inside, but came up empty. Instead I found myself wondering, why bother?

I stopped that train of thought before it could escape and do anymore damage, instead, I focused on answering her question. "In a few days, I think. There are some supplies I need and a few plans to finalize. What about the rest of you? When are you leaving?"

"The same, in a few days. Carlisle starts work in 5 days and he wants to be settled before then." In silence we worked, packing up the office items she had unpacked. I went to my room and repacked the few books I had taken out. I placed those boxes with the rest that I left unopened. I took one of the many backpacks I had and began to fill it. I packed my passport, wallet, and clothes. I glimpsed my journal, sitting on the desk. I walked over to it and picked it up. I knew what was inside, and debated if I should take it with me. I stroked the leather covering and fingered the tie that kept it closed. In the end, I placed it in the box with my books. I had enough pain with my own memories; I did not need to add to it.

I placed the bag close to my bed room door and went back down stairs. Jasper and Emmett were sitting on the floor with a map in front of them. I joined them and looked at the grid pattern that was taking shape. From Jasper's thoughts I saw this as a common military search and rescue pattern. I found it to be very ironic. This would only be a search and destroy mission.

"Looks like you have most of the Border States mapped out; do you think that should be my starting point?"

Jasper looked up, "We figure you could do those from west to east and then start on the lower states in reverse order. If you still have not found her, you could move onto the Canadian Provinces."

It was a sound plan, better than anything I was able to come up with. Once the map had been completely gridded, the talk turned to the main cities to focus on. Jasper knew the bigger cities would hold the most draw for her, easier to hunt without too much attention. I agreed it was exactly what I did when I was a hunter of men, well, actually of criminals. In a large city, no one mourned the loss of a low life thug or rapist.

The sun was rising when we finished our discussion. They left to be with their mates, I left to find Carlisle. I had not spoken to him since he found me and felt the need to just express my gratitude. While I did not want to be found, I cannot deny that he looked for me out of love and concern. I knew how those emotions can sometimes lead us to do things others may not understand.

I found him easily, he was outside praying. It was no longer a shock to see him pray. My first few years with him, I found myself confused by his need to pray. Even knowing his human history, I felt what he was now would preclude him from praying. Why would God listen to a soulless creature? I stopped a ways away, to give him time to finish in privacy.

Minutes later he sat down and beckoned me. _I am done. What can I do for you?_

I walked over to him and gazed down at him. His face was peaceful and serene. He often told me that praying was one way for him to deal with his problems and burdens. That was why he looked so calm; he had faith that God would help him. I envied his serenity and longed for my own, but knew I did not deserve it.

"I wanted to say thank you, for coming to find me. I know that the past few weeks have been hard and I did not mean to hurt you or anyone else."

He looked at me for a few long moments, searching my eyes. I was unsure what he was looking for as his mind was relatively quiet. He turned his gaze away and I let out the breath I did not know I was holding.

"I know that none of us will ever understand the depth of your pain. I also realize that you are too far into it to see beyond it and that is clouding your judgment. I can only hope that you will find what you are looking for and not lose yourself in the process."

With that said he gracefully stood up and walked away, leaving me speechless and full of shame.

**A/N: Once again, please review.. I have never gotten more than 4 reviews in a chapter..maybe I you could help by clicking on that little button. As always, I answer all reviews and will give ya a little hint as to what is coming in the next chapter.**


	13. Ch 12 On the Edge

**A/N: Surprise! Another chapter! This one is a bit shorter- but its crucial.. this is something Edward needs to experience and I felt it needed it's own chapter.**

**Please review, I see that last chapter got close to 150 hits but only a few reviews. I live for your reviews..they brighten my day!**

**As always- I own nothing related to Twilight. I do ownthe books and they are well worn.**

**Please review!**

On the Edge

The next few days went by more slowly than any other day in my entire vampire existence. I felt constantly on edge, straddling the line between intense rage and madness. The anger was a permanent boil deep in the pit of my stomach, churning and gurgling. The madness was a black hole in my mind, trying to lure me with the seductive promise of numbness. Each day they pulled and pushed at me and the slightest thing would set me off.

It could be a simple look from someone in my family or simply being in their presence. There was one morning as I sat on the couch with my map, double checking the routes I had laid out, making sure I did not leave any glaring holes. I watched as Carlisle came down the stairs to talk to Esme, who was finishing the arrangements for the move. As she made her way to leave to make another call, Carlisle quickly reached down and pulled his wife in for a hug. Rage, hot and thick colored my vision; I swam in an ocean of hot, surging anger. I did not know if I felt they were flaunting their love or if it was the knowledge that I had lost mine that upset me; either way it did not matter. I fought the urge to scream at them, make them hurt like I was on the inside. Feeling my control slipping, I ran from the house in such a blur I prayed they did not see how my face was twisted in anger.

But at night, that was when the madness called. Night was the bane of my existence. To watch as my family spent the evening hours with their mates, I was no longer angry, but incredibly sad. My mind would begin to wander, back to a time when I could be with Bella even though hundreds of miles separated us. The lure of being with her, even if it wasn't real was better than facing a night alone. My body would start to remember how freeing it felt to feel nothing, to float free of pain.

But I would beat it back and continue to balance precariously on the edge, knowing sooner or later that I would have to fall. I feared both sides knowing that neither would be pretty. I worked hard at maintaining a mask of calmness and normalcy. It was vitally important that I give my family the appearance of moving on. I was sure I did not fool Alice, but after our run-in a few days ago, we had hardly spoken. She guarded her thoughts carefully and I was content to let her do so.

To fill my time I completed some of my last minute errands. I went to get cash, knowing that at times cold hard money worked better than a credit card. I bought myself a new phone that allowed me to surf the internet. It was an idea inspired by Emmet. He suggested that I look for crimes in local papers that fit the mold of a vampire kill. Since most major news papers had a website, it would be an easy way to do that. I packed and re-packed my bag, trying to keep as much of my mind as occupied as possible.

I don't remember what set off the rage this time; I stopped paying attention after a while. But as soon as I felt the rage cloud my mind I once again ran from the room. I heard Emmett ask, _Where you going? _"Hunting," was my simple reply.

_Let me come with you. _I still have no idea why consented, but I did and soon we were streaking through the forest. I was feeding quite often to help build my strength up and to take the gauntness out of my face and body. I still had no real physical desire to hunt. I never really felt the hunger pains like I once did. I wondered how long it would take for me to feel the need to hunt if I did not have my pending mission. My instinct was that I would never feel the need again. It was low on my priority list. Just making it through the day was my number one job.

We ran in silence, which is saying a lot for Emmett, but maybe he sensed I was in no mood for chit chat. We found a small herd of caribou and took it down easily. I was finished with the second one I had brought down and watched as Emmett cornered the last one. He took his time, not moving in for the kill straightway. Instead he feinted and dodged, no doubt scaring the poor animal. His face was showing the excitement of the hunt. He threw his head back and laughed before he went for the kill.

I felt the familiar tug of anger and I tried to squash it. This was no reason to get upset. This is just how Emmett was; I tried to remind myself over and over. I kept the chant up in my head as I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose in consternation. Just as I felt the anger gaining more ground, I heard Emmett finally finish off his meal. I bit back a smart remark. Instead I just gave him 'the look'. He just smiled.

_Why so uptight? You got to chill, dude._

In that moment the scale tipped and all I felt was rage. His cavalier attitude had pushed me over the edge and I was falling hard and fast. I scrambled, trying to find reason, clinging to anything but I found nothing to hold on to.

"Rematch?" The words were out of my mouth before I had time to process them. All I felt was a need to hurt, to lose control and I had such a willing and eager victim. It was too simple, easy to get him where I needed him to be. I ran fast and hard to the small clearing we had found a few days earlier. It was the perfect arena for my rage. In my mind I replayed all the times he and Rosalie could have cared less that I was there when they started their couple games. How easy it was for them to forget the never-ending pain and torment I was living, even anger at Rose's less than cordial treatment of Bella. It all came to a head with that simple smile and those benign words.

I made it into the clearing in no time and I waited for him on the other side. My body was shaking with fury and I shifted into my hunting crouch. The monster within was alive and kicking and he wanted to play. Emmet could never pass up a chance for a good fight or to wrestle. Our last time here he was upset that I was still able to get him, even in my weakened state.

I heard him as he entered the clearing; the grin on his face was wide and gleaming. He loved a challenge. He laughed as he saw that I was very ready for the fun to begin. I chuckled softly; he had no clue what I wanted. I beckoned him with a single finger and he charged towards me.

As big as he was, he was surprisingly light and graceful on his feet. In a flash he was on my side of the clearing and stretched out his hands, wanting to grab me. I let him get his hands on me; I wanted to let him play for a while. He grabbed my shoulders and tried to lift me up to throw me. I held onto his arms and twisted quickly and he was flying through the air.

He landed with a soft thud and threw his head back and let out a loud laugh. "Good one, Ed my man." With no qualms about engaging me again, he charged forward. He took hold of my arm and swung me hard. I flew through the trees and over his head and landed only a few feet from where he stood. There was no laugh no smile from me; I just went back to my hunt. We shifted around and around, both searching for the perfect opening to strike.

We feinted and sparred, testing each other out, trying to get the other to make a mistake. After some time had passed and letting Emmett have his fun, the monster grew restless, and demanded his satisfaction. I was more than happy to oblige.

I let the heat of my anger envelope me, guide me. I felt the monster in me dance with joy; he was finally going to get his chance to play. Emmett was not aware of the subtle shift in my mind; his thoughts were full of exuberance. He felt that I was able to turn off my mind and just play. He hasn't seen me play yet.

I watched as Emmett charged at me and I held my ground, at the last minute I swung away from his outstretched hands, knelt to the ground and took his legs from out under him. In the same fluid motion I grabbed his outstretched hand used his falling momentum to fling him high into the tree line. I heard several trees buckle and snap in response.

I met Emmett as he fell to the ground. Before he could stand upright, I tossed him back into the center of the clearing. I once again I sped to where he would land and grab a hold of him. Seeing what I was going to do, Emmett turned a vice like grip on my forearms and held on as I tried to toss him towards the rocky cliff. We both smashed into it with a thunderous crash. Smaller rocks showered down onto us.

I gave him no reprieve from the fight. I sprung out to put the clearing at my back and faced Emmett square on. He pushed off and ran full tilt into me. His massive strength pushed us both quite a ways back, then I reached for his waist and flipped us over, on instinct, Emmett keep the flipping going. The only difference was I applied pressure each time Emmett's back hit the ground. There were indents on the earth from where I tried to push into him hard.

Snarls and growls ripped from my chest. I was pissed and hurt and I wanted to destroy. Emmett's thoughts were blank; he was beginning to see that this was no normal fight between brothers. His mind was scrambling around, trying to figure out what to do next. I gave him no time to think and this time I sprang at him.

It continued like that for some time. I kept throwing Emmett around the clearing, giving him no way to escape. The snarls and rumbling continued to emanate from deep in my chest. But they were no longer snarls of fury and rage, but the sounds of pure and raw grief. Finally all the pain and hurt and loss I thought I had bottled up and pushed to the deepest recesses of my mind came exploding out of me.

But I was taking Emmett along for the ride and he wasn't faring well. Somewhere I began to process the sights around me, but they came in snippets of images and feelings; Emmett's shirt ripped open, the look in his eyes, and the feel of the rocks giving way as I slammed him against them. I was uncontrollable and I could not stop, there was too much emotion that I had stuffed away.

Yet, somehow, somewhere through the haze of my emotions, a single lone stream of thought found its way to my consciousness, _Edward, it will be ok. Calm down. I am here for you, it's ok. _He kept at that litany of thoughts, always gentle and calm. Even as I repeatedly slammed him into the rock face, he never broke eye contact or stopped the soft gentle words.

Awareness of what I had done, and was doing made me stop suddenly. My hands no longer held him up, I just let go. I froze and my expression was wild and full of fear. I tried to process everything but all I saw was the mess that I had made of the clearing. Trees were downed, huge gauges dotted the ground, obvious cracks and indents in the rock face. But most frightening of all was the shocked and worried expression on my brother's face. He was rubbing his arm, and I wondered if I had bit him. I could not remember doing so. Our venom is the only thing that can penetrate our skin and it stings.

His thoughts continued to speak hushed and soothing words. _Calm down, Edward. It will be ok. We can help. _He reached out in an attempt to place a reassuring hand on my shoulder, but instead I took one step back from him. He froze and continued to look at me.

His stare began to make me uncomfortable. I did not see any condemnation or anger, just understanding that I was in pain. I longed for his anger, to have him lash out at me on the outside like I had done to myself on the inside. I wanted to show how wounded I truly felt. But the sympathy I saw in Emmett's eyes told me I would not get that from him.

So I did what I do best, I ran. I knew without a doubt that I could no longer stay with my family. I had lost all of my control in keeping up a normal façade. I no longer had the desire or mental fortitude to do so. I would begin the hunt for Victoria now. I needed to focus on one thing and on one thing only-Victoria. It was too much work to keep everyone's thoughts out, to keep track of my own emotions, to act as if life could move on. I pushed myself to run as fast as I could, I wanted to be gone before Emmett got back.

When I arrived at the house, I found it empty. A note on the coffee table stated that the others had gone hunting. It was written in Alice's handwriting. She must have seen what happened and knew it would be best to get everyone out of the house. After all I had put her through she was still looking out for me. I would owe that pixie for eternity for her help.

I raced to my room, hastily changed out of my shredded clothes and gathered my travel bag. I double checked that I had everything I needed including the map and the new phone. Once back downstairs I took a second to listen for Emmett, but he was nowhere in the house and I did not hear him coming through the forest. He must be giving me some space, time to be alone. Just another debt I would owe to one of my siblings.

As I turned to leave, I paused. Could I just leave without saying some kind of goodbye? Had I turned that heartless and cold? But I knew that what I should say, to each of them, could not be done in a simple note. So, I did the next best thing.

_Carlisle,_

_This was not how I planned to leave and I know that this note is far from sufficient._

_I want you to know that I truly appreciate all that you have done for me. _

_I wish that it was enough. Maybe after I accomplish what I want, I can feel peace._

_But I fear that I may never find peace and if that happens, _

_I am unsure if I can ever come back._

_I am sorry for that. But maybe it is for the best._

_I will keep in touch. Again, I am very sorry._

_Edward_

I folded the paper in half and wrote Carlisle's name on the outside. I placed it on the coffee table where I was sure he would see it. I knew that Alice saw what I wrote and I hope she would understand; it was for her as well. With one last look I walked out the door. I only made it a few steps when I rushed back inside and up to my room.

I found the box I was looking for and opened it up to see the book I wanted near the top. I flipped it open and found the small scrap of paper I had shoved in there. Without opening it I took it and placed it in the pocket of my pants. It was a small token of why I was doing this, a reminder that at one time I had her love.

**A/N: WOW.. Edward has lost it. But now the hunt is on! Please give me some love, just click that little button.. come on..you know you want to! I answer all signed reviews and give little hints as to what happens in the next chapter. I hope the next chapter will be up this weekend!**


	14. Ch 13 The Existence of an Unlikely Hero

**A/N: I know it has been a while, but this chapter was a crazy one to edit. So, I really hope it you enjoy it!**

**I want to give a shout out to 2 of my anonymous reviewers: Pat & Yvonne W. I wish I had the space to say what your reviews mean to me, to say that they are awesome is not enough. They are thoughtful, delightful and inspire me to continue. Thank you so much for reading my story and taking time to tell me what you think- it means a lot to me! THANKS!**

**Like always- I do not own Twilight or the characters, I just kidnap them and make them do what I want.**

**Please read and review!**

The Existence of an Unlikely Hero

The rain had finally stopped falling but it did not matter, I was soaked through. That was not what bothered me, I was pissed that any trail I had a chance at finding was washed away by the steady rain that had fallen for the past three hours. I was just outside Billings and I just wanted to find some place to get dry and regroup. Up ahead the lights of the city glowed faintly on the horizon and I sped up in anticipation of getting out of the wet clothes I had been in for the past few hours.

The receptionist looked at me strangely when I asked for a room. I am sure they don't get many dripping wet male teenagers. Little did she know I wasn't merely a teen. Her thoughts were only focused on my outward appearance. _Whoa! Look at the hottie. Wonder if he needs any company tonight. _I hid my grimace at her insipid train of thought. Instead I smiled brightly and took the key card from her and made as human of a hasty exit as I could.

Once in the room I stripped out of the wet clothes, made arrangements for them to get washed and jumped into the shower. It felt good to wash off the last few days of grime. It had been raining off and on and I had gotten pretty muddy. Couple that with my last hunting trip where every animal ran through every possible mud puddle and I was tired of being caked in dirt and debris.

Finally I was in fresh clothes and feeling more comfortable, I could go about the normal routine when I stayed at a hotel. I plugged my phone in, set out my map and took out the plastic baggie with her note. I kept it so I did not see the words, but enjoyed seeing it none the less. All of these I placed on the generic looking desk. I turned on the TV for some background noise and sat down to do some research.

I searched the newspapers in Idaho, looking for recent murders or reports of animal attacks. With any possible trail wiped clean I had to resort to looking in the papers or on the local websites. Searching through camper and hiker forums online I found nothing. It was hard not to feel disappointed. Grabbing the map I began to cross off the areas I had searched and plotted the most likely course to continue with. Even though it wasn't necessary for me to cross off the grids as I completed them, it felt good, almost cathartic. There was a small feeling of accomplishment even though my mission was far from completed.

I glanced at the note and my fingers hovered over the plastic bag. No good would come from opening and holding what was inside, I knew that. I had experienced all too well what would happen. I tried to head off the memories before they replayed, but I had little mental fortitude to make them stop.

It was a few days after I'd left and I was still an emotional mess. I felt guilty over my hasty but necessary exit. As soon as I was in Alberta I texted Emmett how sorry I was. It was a pathetic gesture, but I couldn't leave it unsaid.

_E: Em, I am sorry. I am more than that. Soo Sorry_

_Em: I know. Thanks. U coming back soon?_

_E: No. Its too hard_

_Em: Ok. Im not mad. I understand. _

_E: I don't deserve you as a brother_

_Em: I know! _

_E: Tell everyone I am ok. Will call soon._

_Em: Ok. Miss you._

I had nothing to say to that, so I did not respond. I saw that I had an email from Carlisle but I could not stomach reading how he understood. I wanted someone to punish me, to berate me for the horrible things I had done. But that would never happen, not from Carlisle, not from any of them. Even Emmett whom I physically unleashed all my pent up anger and grief onto, only told me he knew how I was feeling. I did not deserve this life, my parents; I did not deserve love, her love.

It was in that haze of pain and misery that I continued on my way, slowly and methodically making my way down to Lewiston, Idaho. I tried to lose myself in the repetitive movements, one foot forward then the next. My senses were on alert, looking for any trace or scent that Victoria has been in the area. Over and over I went, but my mind would not rest; it kept brining me back to my miserable exit and the email that remained unread. My phone was a heavy reminder in my pocket, never letting me forget that my father had reached out to me and I was running away. Once again.

A few days later I had reached Lewiston and checked into a hotel. There had been no sign of Victoria or any vampire and I was feeling like a failure. Once in my room I showered, changed and the start of my routine was born. But once I had exhausted all of my searches, I only had Carlisle's unread email to deal with. Still feeling cowardly, I left to wonder the streets. It was an overcast day, so I could mingle with the rest of the town.

There wasn't much to see, I mean I _was_ in Idaho. I stopped at a park, there were flowers all around that reminded me of the meadow and it made me pause. I tried not to think of her too much, but she hung around the recesses of my brain. She never moved, never spoke, but her presence was constant. I knew pulling out the memories and emotions would overwhelm me. I did not want to be distracted. I promised myself once Victoria was taken care of, I would sit with the memories. I would get lost in them, cocooning myself from the harsh reality where she wasn't with me. That would sustain me until she was no longer part of this earth and then I would cease to be as well.

It was then I realized that somewhere, somehow I had pulled her note from my pocket, slowly fingering the edges. I had forgotten that I'd left it in my pocket. This was my only reminder that at one time she loved me, that we shared a love. That she deemed me worthy enough to receive her love. She was my angel. Before I could stop the impulse I ever so carefully opened the small scrap of paper. My eyes traced over every loop and scrawl she made. I closed my eyes to try and hear the tone of her voice as she said the words she had written. Pain gripped my frozen heart and began to squeeze tight. My breath came out in ragged gasps as I struggled to fight the pain. I could not lose my control in public; I had to get back to the hotel, fast.

I could feel the memories creeping closer and closer to the forefront of my mind. If they made it there, I knew that I would crumple where I stood. I fought so hard to keep the pain and misery at bay, I needed to, I had to find Victoria and I had to make this world as safe as I could- for her.

How I heard the sounds when I was so lost in the strangle hold of my thoughts, I am still unsure; but I did hear them and they pulled me out of my torture. It was a scream. I scanned the park area and found that it was vacant save for me. I took a deep breath in and found no other trace of humans nearby. Then I heard it again, it was coming from behind me and almost half a mile away. Keeping to the shadows that were forming I hurriedly made my way closer to where the screams ere coming from.

About three blocks away a panicked voice bombarded me; it was full of sheer anxiety and terror. _Oh, God! Please, please someone help me. I don't want to die. _I had heard thoughts like that before back in my rebellious days. The hunter and monster in me rejoiced and I ran faster, slinking into my crouch. From the thoughts I was getting, it appeared a young woman was being cornered in the alley behind the shops in front of me.

In seconds I was in the alley and taking in the scene before me. A young girl had her back to the brick wall of the Chinese Diner and her eyes were wide in terror. Tears were streaming down her face and her mouth was moving in a wordless plea. Her assailant was her age, tall but lanky. His eyes were full of anger and it was all directed at her. From his thoughts, which were a tad unfocuseda , I surmised that they had dated and then broke up. She had moved on and he tried to win her back, but she refused him. Instead she got a restraining order against him last month. He has been planning revenge ever since.

Neither had noticed me and I wanted to keep it that way as I continued to slink closer to them. I was less than hundred feet from them when I saw what he was planning. In my next step I saw as he reached into the pocket of his coat to grab the weapon that he had, a knife. My next steps brought me closer and I heard the click as he flicked it open. The woman had closed her eyes, resigned to her fate at the hands of someone she once trusted.

Before he could bring the knife into the light I was behind him and twisting the arm that held the knife behind his back while my other hand reached across his throat and pulled him backwards away from the woman. "Call 911," I ordered her as I continued to pull him away from her and closer to where the alley and the street met. His thoughts were full of anger and fear, but with his words he played tough.

"Get off me man. This doesn't concern you. Let me go and I won't kick your ass."

I wanted to laugh at his words, like he was in any position to bargain with me. He began to uselessly struggle in my grip, trying to find a way out of my hold. The more he struggled, the more crude and vulgar he became and I was tiring of it. Calling up my many years of medical study, I located the right nerves in his neck and shoulder and squeezed gently. Instantly he went limp and ceased his movements. I laid him on the ground and faced the woman as she finished with her 911 call.

"Are you ok? Did he hurt you?" I kept my distance I did not want to scare her any more than she already was. Plus, I wanted to stay close to the loser on the ground in case he woke up. I wasn't sure if I used enough pressure to keep him quiet until the police arrived.

Her eyes darted quickly from me to her ex on the ground. Her thoughts were still chaotic and she was trying to figure out exactly what had happened. Her hands fluttered to her throat where he had held her against the wall. Even from where I stood I could see faint bruises forming. By tomorrow morning they would be darker and painful. I worried that he may have done damage to her windpipe.

"I'm ok..who..what..?" She struggled to form coherent thoughts and questions. In the distance I could hear the police were on their way and I did not want to be there when that happened. Suddenly, there was a noise from the street. I looked at my feet to see her attacker was still out cold, I glanced to either side of the street when I saw another man running towards me. My instincts were screaming at me to defend and attack, but his thoughts, which were frantically screaming, stalled me.

_Katie! Where did she go? I am so sorry baby that we fought. Katie! _He skidded to a halt in the alley way and peered down towards the woman who I now knew was Katie. She saw him in the same moment and ran to him with her arms outstretched and fresh tears falling down her cheeks. He raced past me and in a few steps pulled her into his arms.

"What happened? Why did you run from me like that? Are you ok?" His eyes searched her entire body while his arms held her close.

"I am so sorry, Craig. I was mad and just wanted time to myself. And then….then..." Her wailing sobs prevented her from continuing with the story. Sensing that I should get out of here fast, I spoke for her.

"I happened to hear her screams as I was walking by. I saw this man," I gestured to the person at my feet, "had her by her throat and a knife. I pulled him off her and held him while she called the police. They should be here soon." I slowly backed the rest of the way out of the alley. "I should get going. He should be coming around soon. I pinched some nerve endings to quiet him. Watch him until the police arrive." I was halfway through my turn when Craig finally spoke, "Thank you, for all your help. Can I ask why you bothered?"

The words were out before I could think, "Because at one time I had my own Katie and I would have wanted someone to help her if I was not there. Keep her safe." It took every ounce of concentration I had to walk out of there at human speed, but I managed it. Once I was encased in the shadows I ran back to the park.

I sank down on one of the park benches and just froze. It wasn't like me to interfere and then to let the scum live. The monster in me had wanted to punish him, to show him what it meant to truly be a monster. But I ignored him. I swatted him away like he was nothing more than an annoying insect. I replayed all that happened and it became clear why I did not kill him, it was because of the girl. I could not subject her to witnessing such an atrocity. The fear I saw in her eyes mirrored a fear I saw many months ago. Just like tonight, I could not let her see me as a monster. Even though that is what I was, she did not need to see it.

With my thoughts back to her I reached for the note I had been looking at earlier. Panic gripped me as I could not find it in my pockets. I frantically searched every pocket I had over and over and I could not find it. _No, no no. I can't lose that. That is all I have of her. _The words chanted themselves over and over in my head as I looked. I went back to the place I was earlier in the park and looked in the grass and shrubs. I found it laying half in the grass and a small puddle of water.

I lurched towards the small scrap of paper and I could see the water as it slowly soaked into the paper. I snatched it up and opened it up to see the words 'love you' become blurry. Unbridled fear seeped into my bones; I had to stop the water from ruining any more of the note. With inhuman speed I made my way back to the hotel and into my room. I pulled the hair dryer from the wall in the bathroom and started to dry the note. I breathed a small sigh of relief when no more words blurred out and the note was completely dry.

Sitting on the bed, I stared at the words that were almost completely obscured. My fingers traced the ink that spider-webbed out. It was irrational and somewhere inside I knew that, but I felt I had erased some of her love. It was only the word, but some part of me believed I had erased a part of her from my life. Deep slashing pain crashed through my body and I fell onto the bed as it washed over me. I bit back the sobs that threatened to break free. Instead I was shaking my head, trying to dislodge the thoughts that were clinging with a ferocious tenacity. There was no way I could erase her from my life. She was too engrained, too much a part of me. Even though we were separated, she was with me.

The need to make this right, to stop the dark thoughts consumed me and I did the first thing that came to my mind. I stumbled to the desk and reached for the pen sitting there. Carefully I traced the words back onto the paper, making sure that I followed the original indentations that she had made. When I finished, I felt as if a small weight had lifted from me. The note still held the proof of the water damage but the words were there. That was the important thing to me, the words.

_I am proud of you._

I heard the words as clear as day and I closed my eyes, I would know that voice anywhere. I waited to see if she would speak again.

_You did the right thing tonight. _

The pride I heard there was unmistakable. I had heard it several times from her, but I did not know if I deserved it. Fearful of speaking out loud, I kept my eyes closed and spoke in my mind. _I did it because of you. _Even in my mind, my words were tentative and soft.

_No, you did it because it was the right thing to do._

I hung my head. She always thought better of me. She claimed to see the man inside the vampire and that is what she had faith and trust in, the man who loved her and wanted to see her safe. I did not know what to say to that, so I asked a question of her, fearing the answer. _How long will you stay with me? _I held my breath as I waited for her to speak.

_I think you have some unfinished business to take care of. It's time. _

Once again, she was right and I would do anything that she told me to do, without question. _Will you stay with me? I need you. _I was not above begging her to stay; I did not care how crazy it seemed, I would do it. It was too hard to be alone.

_I am always with you. _

With that said, I could almost feel her leave me and another hole was carved into my riddled spirit. The pain and misery edged ever so closer to me and for a brief second I thought of giving in to it. It would be easy to find the blackness and numbness once again and let it surround me. But she was right, I had to take care of some business and it was time. I reached for the phone and opened my email.

_Edward-_

_I hope that you are doing well and will respond quickly to let us know you are all right. I understand why you left. We only want you to know that we love you and hope that you will come home. Together we can help you; you do not need to do this by yourself. Please remember that you are never alone in this world and that no matter what happens, we will stand by you. Please write back soon._

_Carlisle_

I re-read the words a dozen times. Seeing what was not said and what was written between the lines. I had hurt them all with my departure and still they loved me. Guilt and loathing consumed me and I did nothing to stop it. How many times would I hurt them before they gave up on me? I knew each day, each week I was gone, would only deepen and intensify their pain. I wanted to tell them to forget me, to move on with their lives. But the coward I was refused to write the words. I was terrified of being on my own. I truly was a monster if I refused to free my family from the pain I have caused.

My reply was short,

_Carlisle_

_I am very sorry for how I left things. I am doing ok. I have not found Victoria yet, so my search continues. Will try and write later._

_Edward_

It was woefully inadequate and once again I felt like a failure. I clutched Bella's note to my chest and I curled up on the bed. I waited for the blackness, I begged for it to take me over. Instead I watched the sun as it began to rise over the horizon. Another day without her had dawned.

Trying to pull my thoughts back into the present was hard. It was too easy to get lost in the misery, in all the memories that were tied up into her. My gaze flicked to the plastic bag once again, sighing, I picked it up and shoved it into my pocket. Who was I kidding? I could go nowhere without it. I needed that tangible reminder of her. Since that first night in Lewiston I would venture out into the city whenever I spent a night in a hotel. I tried to kid myself that it was to search for Victoria, to look for some clue that she was near. But that wasn't the case. I went out in the hopes that something I did would bring the sweet sound of her voice back to me.

I had not heard it since then and I was feeling shaky. This must be what drug addicts felt like when going through withdrawal. Part of me found that analogy humorous; I went from one drug, her blood, to another, the sound of her voice. A larger part of me saw it as nothing more than pathetic. But I was beyond thinking I had a choice in the matter. When did I ever have a choice when it came to her?

My musings had occupied my time and I found myself in downtown Billings. It was a Friday night and so it was filled with people. Some were scurrying home after work, others heading out to blow off steam. I wondered aimlessly, not looking for anything in particular. The local outfitter store was still open so I went in to see if I could pick the minds of recent hikers. I found two in the kayak area and I drifted closer. They were discussing with the salesperson the merits between two different kayaks. A cursory glance in their minds found nothing too concerning and I slipped away before I was noticed.

With no real purpose or plan I continued to wonder. Feelings of failure and regret were slowly creeping closer and I tried to keep them at bay. I knew that looking for Victoria would be like finding a needle in a haystack, but that wasn't enough to dispel the feelings of failure. The regret was new; I tried not to examine it too closely. I feared if I did that I would not like what I found.

A jostle from behind broke me from my reverie and looked around to see that I had stopped in front of the local VFW hall. The noise from the place was deafening, both verbal and non-verbal, but feelings I felt were pulling me in. A small group of people behind me carried me with them and I went along. Once inside I scanned the room trying to figure out what drew me in.

There was a bar at the far end with its usual assortment of people crowding around. The closest wall to me held several tables that had been pushed together and from where I stood there were several items placed on them. Looking closer I could see no rhyme or reason to them. There was an autographed football and jersey, several gift baskets, gift certificates to local businesses among numerous other collections.

I stepped away from the door when I heard it open and found a lone table in the corner. I continued my perusal of the room as I sat down. There was a buffet that was set up and was full of nameless foods, but the line indicated that the humans found it enjoyable. The mood was tense and hopeful with a tinge of happiness. I tried to read the thoughts but they were disjointed. Couple that with the immense crowd of people and it was rather painful to try and sort it all out.

Feeling that I had ventured into here for no real reason I started to move from the table when an older couple took to the stage that I had failed to notice in the throng of people. They were followed shortly by a small child. The crowd hushed suddenly and I stilled. The air was thick with anticipation and for a strange reason, I was as well.

The woman was handed a microphone and looked out at the sea of faces. Her thoughts were relatively calm as she took a deep breath before speaking.

"Hello everyone! My name is Judy and this is my husband Mike and I think you all know Ellie here." She gestured to the small child I had noticed earlier. Looking at her I saw that she was rather thin and that her scalp had a faint halo of hair. She waved to the crowd and smiled gently before she clung to the woman's hand. Judy continued, "We can't thank you enough for coming tonight on behalf of Ellie." I watched as several people gave her encouraging smiles and she returned them with genuine affection.

"But for those who may not know our story and why we are all here, please allow me a few moments to explain. About six months ago Ellie lost her parents in a horrible house fire. Her mother, who was my sister, and her husband were caring and loving people. Not a day goes by that we don't miss them. After that awful day, Ellie came to live with us and we couldn't be happier. But, as most of you know, Ellie has been battling leukemia for the last year or so." Her voice broke on the last few words, tears formed in her eyes and there wasn't a sound in that entire room.

A few deep breaths later and she continued the tale, and I was riveted to where I sat. "What you may not know is that our adoption of Ellie is not final, therefore she has had to rely on state insurance which doesn't cover the cost of Ellie's chemo and medication. Her doctor's tell us that while her chances at beating this disease are good, she still needs a bone marrow transplant to give her that chance. Even after the adoption is final, we worry she may be denied health insurance. So, we need help to raise the funds for the transplant and other medical needs."

I stared in awe at this brave woman. The courage and strength it took for her to step in to raise her niece, especially one with medical needs with no consideration to how they would manage, astounded me. I hardly heard as she talked about the cost of the transplant and the several more rounds of chemo she would need to endure prior to the operation. I stared intently at the little girl who was feeling more comfortable with the crowd looking at her. What hair she had left was the color of honey wheat and her skin was pale and delicate. But it was her eyes that captured me; they were a light brown, almost the color of desert sand. Although I knew they were not the same, it was close enough.

I timed my departure well. The crowd was clapping at the end of Judy's speech and some were heading to the silent auction table I had noticed upon my arrival. Once outside the cooler air cleared my mind. I knew that the color was not even close, but for a fleeting moment, it was like _she _was staring at me and the sensation was too much to take. I felt claustrophobic and panicky. I needed to leave and quickly.

I rushed back to the hotel and once I reached my room, the gasps I had been holding in came out in a rush. I scrambled to find calm and balance but I was unable to grab hold of anything. My mind tumbled in a chaos of thoughts and feelings that were too overwhelming for me to process. So I lay there on the bed, gasping for air, waiting for something.

Finally a few hours later reason took hold and reminded me that my angel was far away and was not looking at me from the eyes of a sick child. I held onto that thought as I righted myself on the bed. It was time to head out on the search again and I needed to prepare. Methodically I packed my bag, rechecked my map and put my phone in my pocket. I was as ready as I'd ever be.

Since the room was paid for, I left through the back exit and made my way through downtown. I had the eastern most edge of Montana to search before I moved onto the Dakotas. I focused on my strategic search pattern as I began to leave the city limits. I had only made it a few blocks out of town when a sense of purpose consumed me. Knowing that the late hour would prevent me from directly taking care of what I wanted, I reached out to someone who would help without question. I sent a quick email and I was off.

It was many hours later as I was searching an unknown scent that did not strike me as human when I received a response to my earlier email. There was a web link attached. I clicked the link and a smile burst forth as I read a headline from a Billings newspaper:

**Anonymous donor from Washington gives $1 million to local girl with leukemia.**

There was no need for me to read anymore. I went back to the note at the end of the email;

_We all wanted to help, so we increased the donation- Carlisle_

My family never ceased to amaze me with the depth of their love and kindness. I only reached out to Carlisle to make a donation because the local bank was closed. Now, with their generosity, a little girl might get a fighting chance at life; it was more than I could hope for. I continued walking, feeling lighter than I had been in several weeks.

_No monster would ever do what you did, you are just amazing. _

I closed my eyes at her words, but kept moving, I was on a mission.

**A/N: So, what do you think of Edward now? I got 6 reviews for last chapter- a record, plus several more story alerts. Could I ask for 7 reviews? I answer all signed ones and I give a little hint for whats coming up next!**

**Sooo Review.. you know you want to...come on..make my day!**


	15. Ch 14 Crisis of Faith

**A/N: Sorry this has taken a while, I have been sick and editing just isn't as fun when your sick. Plus FF was being difficult, it wasn't letting me add this chapter and it took about 3 days for it to let me! I want to say a HUGE shout-out to my beta- PisceanPal23, she rocks as always! **

**I have to say how amazed I am by the reviews for the last chapter, so many of you felt it was a seriously sad chapter, which surprisingly was not my intention, but I like how you, my wonderful readers, see things that I may not notice I write into this story. I continue to be amazed by those that put this story as a favorite or on alert, you make my day!**

**Last chapter I recognized my anonymous reviewers, so this chapter I want to *wave* to those who have faithfully reviewed: Bethflower, ecullensgurl, sholtsclaw and last but not least- Mineola! I get giddy when I see your reviews and there are not enough words to express how kind and generous you all are. Your encouragement and excitement for this story keep me writing.. so to all of you guys.. this one is for you.**

**At last- Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight or the characters, ohh how I wish I did!**

**Please review and ENJOY!**

Crisis of Faith

The high I felt from hearing her voice lasted me quite a while. But the pride and the approval had me searching for ways to hear her again. As I finished searching Montana and crossed over into South Dakota I let my mind wander thinking what I could do to make it happen. Both times that I had heard her was after I had done something charitable, even selfless. Was that the key? That seemed unlikely, but the evidence was too strong.

Yet the notion of me becoming some crusader of justice or whatever had me laughing. How could I be that? I was just a soulless vampire, living out a damned half-life. That I was able to be a savior for unsuspecting humans seemed wrong and ironic all at once. How many times did she try to tell me that she believed I was more than I was?

I felt as if my thoughts were going around in an endless circle and it was tiring. I tried to push them away, but they became the new buzzing in my brain. Even if what I was thinking was right, did I want take time away from searching for Victoria to try and play the hero? Didn't I owe it to her to use ever y last minute I had to make this world safer for her? That seemed to be a better use of my time and energy.

With a renewed interest and focus, I concentrated on the search for Victoria. In the Dakotas I found a few stray scents but they were faint and I was unable to follow them for any real distance. An early winter snowstorm forced me to stay in a hotel in Fargo. Even for vampires it was hard to see in a blinding blizzard. The snow wasn't the problem, it was the variable wind; it made tracking scents nearly impossible. This would be my last stop before I trekked into Minnesota.

The hotel was nothing too fancy, but I was lucky to find a room. The storm had forced travelers to stay inside and hotel rooms were filling up fast. I looked over my clothes and realized I would need to get some new clothing. I had been wearing the same few outfits for the past month or so and they were showing their wear. The storm was scheduled to dissipate by morning, so I would have to wait till then.

Once in the room I set out my usual belongings and the routine continued. Seeing the squares crossed off the map left me feeling unsettled. I had yet to find even a trace of Victoria and I wondered if I was going about this all wrong. Was there a better way for me to track her? For about the thousandth time I cursed myself for not paying more attention to Victoria that awful night. I tried to reason that James was the bigger threat at the time, but that did nothing to lessen my guilt. Knowing I was spinning my wheels in useless frustration I continued with the rest of my routine.

There were no reports of suspicious disappearances or murders in the nearby area which was a relief. I expanded my search to include the top third of Minnesota and found no such news there either. I did find a blurb about a string of missing people in a major Minnesota city, but with further searching I found nothing that would indicate that a vampire was to blame. I momentarily planned to head there after the storm let up, but realized I was grasping at straws and resigned myself to continue with the set search pattern.

With my routine done and a blinding snowstorm outside, I found myself with a few uninterrupted hours and that terrified me. I worked hard to keep myself busy. When I found myself with too much free time I never knew what to expect. I worried that the blackness or numbness would consume and I didn't want that to happen. Flipping on the TV wasn't much of a distraction as the storm made reception almost non-existent. I paced the small room but that only left me feeling more anxious.

My eyes fell to her note and it got me thinking when I last heard her voice. I still had no clues as to what triggered my mind- or was it my sub-conscious- to generate her voice. The argument that it tied directly to my actions had my mind whirling. I tried to think as rationally and logically as possible.

Both times I had heard her voice was after I had done some charitable action. Both times she expressed pleasure in my actions. What spurred me to act in the first place? I thought back to each incident and saw a common thread, albeit a very thin one. In some way I was reminded of her.

The first was too similar to the incident in Port Angeles. The idea that another woman would experience the terror I knew she felt seemed wrong. No woman should feel anything less than safe, secure and loved. The second was harder to fit into my theory, or maybe I was more in denial. If I forced myself to be honest, I could have sworn I saw her looking out from the eyes of the child. It was why I left the hall in such a hurry. It couldn't have been the color for they were too dissimilar; light versus dark. No, it had more to do with the depth of the eyes. Looking into the child's eyes reminded me of how far I could see into her eyes. Before her I had never found human eyes expressive, certainly not as a gateway to a person's spirit.

But when I first looked into those warm chocolate-colored eyes, I realized just how much you could see into the person just by their eyes. That child held the same depth and expressiveness and it unnerved me. I was saddened by the notion that a mere illness could wipe those eyes off the face of the earth and it felt all wrong, especially in light of the fact that a solution was possible, just not financially feasible. If all it boiled down to was money, that was something I could fix and that was my motivation to act.

So maybe I needed to feel a connection to my angel, couple that with a selfless act and maybe I had the recipe to hear her voice. It sounded feeble and extremely pathetic. But in the last month or so, I had my share of pathetic moments. Keeping my thoughts in the morose vein I pondered what other benefits my actions could bring besides hearing her voice.

If I subscribed to certain religious ideologies, I could delude myself into believing that I could erase my huge karmic debt or pave my way back into heaven. If I did enough good deeds, could it possibly erase the years of killing? I had serious reservations on that thought, but my mind refused to let it go. Before I knew it, thoughts of being able to share the afterlife with her overloaded my mind. My body tingled with anticipation and hope and for the first time in a long while I dared to dream.

That was how I spent my night, vacillating between hope and despair; longing and eagerness; light and dark. By the morning light I tried to shake the small sliver of promise of being allowed in heaven. But it refused to be dislodged. If I knew that there existed a possibility to enter heaven upon my final death, wouldn't I do everything I could to make it a reality? Of course I would, without any hesitation. Yet, there was still the little issue that I had no soul and there was nothing I could do to change that fact. So even if I had repaid my debt and could be deemed worthy of heaven, my lack of soul would keep me eternally barred.

I continued to argue with myself as I repacked my bag and inventoried my clothing. I threw away the most tattered items and made a mental note of all I needed to replace. I tried to ignore the nagging question that was floating in the back of my mind. It was a ludicrous thought and one that I already had an opinion on. So why did I suddenly feel I was having a crisis of faith, per se? I seriously hoped not. It was poor timing and I could only deal with some much stress. Maybe that was it, I was cracking under all the stress I was feeling and I was going insane.

A small bark of a laugh came out and I shook my head at my own amusement. I would prefer to think I was insane than to start to question my personal ideology. But insane or not, the lingering question remained. What if I am wrong? What if Carlisle and she were right, what if I did have a soul? That question buzzed loudly in my head and it was hard to ignore. Maybe I was grasping at straws, the need to know that I would have some kind of eternity with her over-rode my logical ideals. Ugh, my head was spinning in never ending circles and I no longer wanted to think about it.

I stepped out into the frosty morning, thankful that low storm clouds still hung in the area. The entire city was blanketed in over a foot of snow, but the blizzard winds last night created drifts that were several feet higher. There were people digging themselves out and helping their neighbors. Kids bundled up against the bitter temperatures played outside and I smiled at their squeals of joy.

I made my way to the only open department store and replaced the needed clothing items. I hoped that Alice was not paying attention to what I was buying. She would be mortified that I was purchasing less than top of the line designer clothes, but my options are limited in a town such as this. With little tree cover to help me make a fast getaway, I headed towards the car rental and hoped they were open. Then I could head into Minnesota, turn in the car and resume my search.

Just my luck, the rental place was open but there were several other people waiting to get cars as well. A quick scan of the clerk's thoughts revealed he only had about a dozen cars left to rent out. Seeing I was the fifth person in line, I breathed a bit easier knowing I would soon be on my way. By the time it was my turn, I was surprised that there was a decent car available. It had nothing on my Volvo, but it had enough power to get me going. I signed the papers and was handed the keys to the Escalade. For appearances I had to wait for the car to warm up before heading out.

Soon enough I was headed down the main highway where there was only one lane open and plenty of traffic. I knew I could navigate the other lane just fine, but it would be a bit conspicuous so I got in line with the rest of the cars. I pulled out my phone to look up alternate routes that would allow me to go faster. Finding that the snow severely limited my options I stuck with the road I was on.

With nothing to occupy my time, I went back to my earlier musings. There were no easy answers or conclusions, just more questions and even more uncertainty. So I went back to what I wanted to happen, which I knew without any hesitation was to hear her voice. My past actions showed me that doing something of a charitable fashion could accomplish that. I could do that. So did I even need to worry about the rest? Couldn't I just forget all about the confusion of souls and heaven and the afterlife and just be in the present. That seemed to be a fair conclusion and one I could easily live with. So why was my mind constantly throwing the questions back in my face? I am sure it had to do with the small glimmer of hope that sparked to life last night. No matter what I thought or felt, it refused to be extinguished.

I was pulled from my reverie as an SUV was speeding down the heavily snow covered lane. I watched the vehicle attempt to maintain control of the car as he began to slip and slide on the road. The cars in front of me began slowing down in an attempt to avoid him should he lose complete control. So it was no surprise that a few seconds later as I continued to observe the SUV that I knew he was going to slide into the lane full of cars. When he did, there was chaos.

I slowed even more to avoid being part of the accident unfolding several car lengths in front of me. The SUV in its attempt to stay in its lane overcorrected and spun into the right lane and hit a minivan. The van then spun out into the ditch and rolled several times before settling right side up. The SUV ended up on its side in the other ditch. The two cars in front of me slammed on their brakes too hard trying to miss the accident and they ended up rear-ending each other. I managed to slow down enough to be able to pull over. In a split second, I decided here was my chance to see if my theories were right.

I exited the car and went to the van which was closest to me. I could hear kids crying, another person moaning and I smelled the blood. I ducked my head into my shoulder to take a quick inhale of air and held my breath. If there was too much blood I would need to find a way to leave the scene, I could not risk exposure this late in the game.

Coming up to the van I saw the kids I had heard were in the back of the van still buckled into their car seats. Another quick scan of them revealed no injuries so I turned my attention to the driver and passenger. The driver was male, appeared unconscious and was the source of the blood I smelled. There were cuts on his face and his leg looked odd, most likely broken. The moaning came from the passenger, a female who was mostly alert.

She spotted me and her eyes went wide and her heart began to pound harder. I slowed my approach towards her and held out my hands in a gesture of comfort.

"Are you ok? Are you hurt? I am here to help." My voice was low and soothing. I softened my gaze to lessen any fear she may be feeling. I averted my eyes and began to look for obvious injuries. Spotting none I turned back to her, waiting to see if she would respond.

"No, I don't think I am hurt, just freaked out. My kids! Are they hurt? Why are they crying? I can't see them." Pure panic flowed out of her as she tried to twist to look at her kids. The maternal instinct in her was strong.

"They look fine, just scared I bet. Can you get out of the car and then you can help me get them out of their seats." I had used up all my air talking and when I sucked in a quick breath, I found that the blood did not bother me, too much. So I kept breathing through my nose to help lessen the potency.

At mention of her kids and getting out of the car, the woman calmed and began to tug on her seatbelt. By this time, a few more people came by to help. One had asked me what they could do.

"Could you check the driver, he appears to be hurt and unconscious. Do we know if someone called 911?" He shouted the question back to the people who were now standing up at the edge of the road. I heard the affirmative answer that someone was currently on the phone with emergency responders. My attention went back to the lady as she struggled with her seat belt. I could hear frantic thoughts as she was unable to free herself.

"Do you need help getting unbuckled? I could try." She looked at me, trying to figure out if I meant to harm her, her thoughts a jumbled mess of concern, worry and fear. Slowly she nodded yes and I reached over her to get at the buckle. I pretended to struggle and then just ripped it out of the latch and helped her get out of the van. Once free she rushed to her kids and worked with another person to free them.

I walked over to the driver and the one I had sent to help. He had managed to open the door, remove the belt and push the seat back. He looked at a loss for what to do next; it was up to me to help the driver.

I addressed the man quickly. "He looks like he has a broken leg and multiple cuts. See if you can find blankets and something for me to splint his leg with, I am worried he may go into shock." He seemed to jump at my words, as if I had frightened him, but I could not worry about that, the driver was not doing well.

I took his pulse and noticed it was steady but weak. He was starting to shiver from the cold and the blood loss would not help him stay warm either. I looked in the back of the van and saw one of the children's blankets. I ripped it into strips to bind up some of the cuts on his arms and head. I ripped open the leg on his pants to get a better look at his leg.

The bone had not broken through the skin and I was thankful for that. It would have been too much blood for me to handle. But there were shards of glass that had created large gashes in his thighs. I made longer bandages and gently wrapped them to staunch the bleeding.

Just then the other man came back with several blankets and some PVC pipes. I motioned for him to come closer and issued several directives.

"Take those car seats out and lay a blanket down. We need to move him to the seat so I can stabilize his leg." I was surprised by how quickly he followed my directions, only a few minutes had passed and he was helping me move the driver from the front seat to the back. The easiest way to do that was to recline the front seat as far back as it would go and gently side him over the seat and onto the back seat.

I cautioned that we needed to move slowly and carefully to avoid causing any more pain than was needed. I could tell from the driver's thoughts that he was unconscious and could feel little of the pain he was in. I was extremely thankful for that.

As we were moving him, the passenger came running over to us, her thoughts worried and anxious.

_Oh my goodness, is he ok? _"Gary? Gary, are you ok?" She gripped his hand and held on tightly. She looked from me to the other man, frantic. "What's wrong with him?" She stared at me and was warring with the desire to protect her husband and flee for her own safety. I made to open my mouth but was cut off by the other person.

"Ma'am, he's hurt, but this nice young man is helping him. You need to let us help him until the ambulance gets here. You can stay near him, but let this man help your husband." His words were soft and gentle and they instantly put her at ease. She nodded a jerky yes and let go of Gary's hand.

Finding my voice I spoke to her, "He will be all right. I just want to stabilize him and keep him warm." Her eyes locked with mine and her thoughts jarred me with their possessiveness. _Hurt him, and I will hurt you. _I nodded to her, answering her thoughts and turned back to her husband.

I gave the rest of the shredded blanket to the man helping me and asked that he make more strips to help me hold the PVC pipe in place. I noticed that the wife had a belt and I asked her for it. It would provide much more stability than the strips of blanket. Without removing her eyes from her husband she removed her belt with one hand and gave it to me.

I went to work, placing the PVC pipe on either side of his leg and tying the blanket strips to hold it in place. I then used the belt and more strips to provide more stability. I placed the remaining few blankets on him and checked his pulse. It was a bit stronger than before but still weaker than it should be. I moved out of the van and gestured for the wife to be close to her husband.

"I have done all that I can until help arrives. Talk to him, keep him calm." The look of gratitude from her floored me. It was rare that anyone had ever looked at me like that, not since Bella. Her name flew from my thoughts before I could contain it. Pain and sadness seared me and I hissed at the sensation. I stumbled a few steps from the van, fearing that I was about to lose control of my emotions.

I had not thought her name in so long, not knowing what it would do to me and now I had my answer. I closed my eyes to the agony and once again I wished I could just cry. Instead my shoulders heaved with the force of my guilt and torment.

In the distance I could hear the ambulance and I was thankful that I would be able to make my escape shortly thereafter. I struggled to find any semblance of calm, knowing that I needed to present an air confidence when I spoke to the paramedics. I focused on the distant wail of sirens and counted down the minutes before they would arrive.

Exactly three and a half minutes later, the ambulance arrived. The bystanders on the side of the road directed them toward the van. I made my way back to the van and met the paramedic there. He stepped inside the van and lifted the blankets.

"What are his injuries," he inquired at the wife and me in general.

"He has a broken leg and minor cuts and abrasions. There are deeper wounds from glass on his upper thigh. His pulse has been steady but weak. His respirations have been steady. He has not regained consciousness." I spoke with firm conviction.

_Wow. I wonder if the kid has some EMT experience. _His thoughts gave me the perfect cover should anyone question my assessment.

'That was a pretty good run down of his condition. Are you in medical school or something?" I smiled at him and wondered if he would be surprised to know I hold two medical degrees. Instead I stuck with the idea that he unknowingly provided.

I shook my head before answering, "No, but I am in my last year of EMT training." I gestured to the man he was administering IV fluid to, "Looks like I was in the right place at the right time."

"I would have to agree. If your actions here are any indication, you will have no trouble finding work after training is done." He looked back at the driver as he continued to speak, "Your assessment of him was spot on and he will be back in good health in no time."

I nodded my thanks and slowly crept back towards the road. I watched as he secured a better splint and called for the backboard. They secured the driver to it and slowly made their way back up to the waiting ambulance and placed him on the gurney. With all eyes on the paramedics, I continued to silently head towards my car. A quick look around and when I noticed that no one was looking for me, I drove away from the scene.

A breath that I did not realize I was holding exploded out of me and the pain I held at bay reared its ugly head. My head swam with the force of all the loneliness and grief that thinking her name had conjured up. It took me by surprise, but again, everything to do with her took me by surprise. I knew that I needed to find some calm. I had a mission I was desperate to complete and I could not afford a meltdown.

But fate always liked to play with me and it was no wonder what finally calmed me down- her voice.

_You did a good thing back there. I am proud of you. A monster would never have helped. You are a good man._

The pride in her voice was like a balm on my spirit. I savored each word that she spoke. I stored it with all the other memories and words she had ever spoken to me. I dared not believe what she was saying, but instead focused on the fact that once again I had heard her.

With the knowledge that I had some idea how to hear her voice, I was bound and determined to make sure that I heard it as often as I could, I did not care if I needed to play hero. If that is what she wanted of me, I would give it. I would do _anything _for that voice. I could deny her nothing, I was her puppet to command as she saw fit. She alone held sway over my life and it could be no other way. Secure in my new found knowledge I continued my journey and allowed a small smile to pull at the corners of my lips. Once again I had found refuge in my angel.

**A/N: Please review! I read them all and to all signed ones I respond. As always I send a little hint as to what comes next! Reviews are my brand of crack.. give me a fix! :)**


	16. Ch 15 Highs and Lows

**A/N: Well here is the next chapter and I am sorry this is a bit late. Between being sick (still), a bit of writer's block and a beta who is up to her elbows in finals..well...this took some time. I want to thank all of my amazing readers. The reviews for last chapter were amazing and they made me feel blessed. Thank you for sticking with me and this story- you may never know exactly how much it means to me! So.. please read and review.. I see all the hits for this story.. so please take a few seconds to review...I respond to all signed ones!**

**As always, nothing belongs to me, except my Edward dreams.. *sigh* they are all mine..mine! Umm.. sorry...SM owns all..I just wish I did. ENJOY!**

Highs and Lows

The next month flew by in hazy flashes of days and nights, each blending and melting into the other until they were no longer recognizable. What was noticeable was that I was riding an emotional rollercoaster, one that was punctuated by extreme highs and depressing lows. There was no middle ground of stability, just my wide arcing switches from one extreme to the other. I had no control over them and I was terrified. I did not fear that I would feed on humans, but more that I would lose myself to the powerful mood swings.

The lows were the more frightening ones to experience. Not only did they cause me to lose valuable time in my hunt for Victoria. But they were highly unpredictable and seductive. It was harder and harder to come back from them. Even worse, it was harder to _want _to come back from them. There, the pain and misery I try day in and day out to contain is removed. Instead there was only comforting numbness.

The last low point was the longest one by far, lasting close to two days. In the beginning they started innocently enough, or so I would like to think. My search for Victoria was slow and meticulous. When there was no trace of her scent it was far too easy for my mind to wonder. I often thought of my family and how they were doing. I feared that I had upset Esme greatly and that just added to the mound of guilt I felt. It had been a while since I'd checked in and figured it was the only decent thing I could do.

I had briefly toyed with the idea of writing another email but I had been impersonal enough and I needed to face the music. So I dialed Esme's phone and waited for her to answer while trying to ignore the desire to hang up before she did. Her melodic voice reached me and I closed my eyes in pain. I had been such a rotten child to her.

"Hello," she chimed.

"Esme, it's me, Edward." I paused and did not breathe. I could feel the anxiety as it coursed through me.

"Edward? Oh, dear it's so nice to hear from you. Are you ok?" She said this so rapidly I was unprepared for it. But her question brought me up short. I had no idea if I was ok.

"Sorry, it's been so long since I contacted you all. Tracking is very time consuming." I prayed she would not notice that I did not answer her last question. I didn't think I had it in me to lie to her again. I had already put her through too much.

"How is everyone doing?" Offense is always the best defense.

"They are doing good. We have settled into Ithaca nicely. Carlisle loves teaching and Jasper has decided to study philosophy. He is rather enjoying it." The pride and love in her words made me ache. I knew there was no way she could be proud of me right now, but I found I desired it greatly.

She continued in a rush of excitement, " Rose and Emmett have planned to go back to Africa soon. Alice is spending time seeing what she can find of her human family. The information she got from Bel- she got a few months ago, has her curious." Her words ended on a whisper.

Just the tiny sound of her name coming from anyone's lips caused the pain to throb and pulse. I held onto the tree I was next to for support. I did not dare speak, and wasn't sure if I was even able to.

"We miss you. Are you coming home soon?" Even with the large distance between us, the longing was evident in her voice. She wanted her family back together. But didn't she see that even if I was there, I would be broken? No, that I already was broken.

"No, not until I find Victoria, I can't think of coming home. After, then, maybe." I trailed off, not sure if I could finish. Yet I knew that when I found her, the chances of me going home were slim. Home was no longer with my family but with the love of my life and I walked away from that. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than for conversation to end.

"We will be here for you. Just come home, please Edward." While Esme may look docile and sweet, it was not beneath her to play on our emotions. But I was too far gone, there was not much to play on and I was feeling more and more drained as time went on. It was time to end this little guilt trip.

"I know, Esme and that means the world to me. I have to go. Tell everyone I said hi." Without giving her a chance to interject, I ended the call and turned my phone off. It was a cowardly move, but wholly necessary.

The weight of the guilt and shame coursing through me caused me to tremble and fall to my knees. Immense feelings of failure, worthlessness and hopelessness spiraled out of control. Everything I touched I destroyed. Truly, I was a monster if I could hurt Esme. Not to mention all the pain I had caused _her_ by merely existing.

Never was I more grateful that I was deep in a forest in Wisconsin. If anyone had seen me as I fell to pieces, well, I wasn't sure what would happen. As it was, I had a hard time keeping my thoughts from scattering in the wind. Was there anything I could do to make all of this better? To erase the pain and damage I had inflicted on everyone in my life? No matter how hard I looked, nothing came to mind. I felt like screaming at the fates. It was me they wanted to hurt, not those that I loved.

I sat there for a few hours trying to get a grip on anything left for me to grasp. It wasn't until her face floated behind my eyes that I remembered what I was out here for, what I needed to accomplish. Victoria was still out there and that created an unsafe world for my angel. She deserved to be safe and it would be me that would grant that to her.

I was able to continue my search, but the feelings that surfaced after the call to Esme stayed with me. They joined the misery that was ever present and lapped at the jagged edges of my spirit. It was crushing and suffocating, but I kept moving, it was all I could do.

After that first time, any little thing could send me down that winding path of depression. One time it was after I had marked off more searched areas. I stared at that map and all the area I had covered without finding Victoria. Panic like I had never felt consumed me. What if I never found her? What if all this was a colossal waste of time? On and on went the questions and I second guessed every move I had made up to that point. Suddenly I was convinced that Victoria would never be found and I would fail at this one simple and vitally important task. I felt even more unworthy of her and her love. I had failed at keeping her safe.

This went on for almost 12 hours; guilt, shame, sadness, and apathy were my constant companions and they whispered their thoughts over and over. It was easier to listen to them and believe what they said than to fight. I was tired of fighting and I began to wonder what there was to fight for.

The tone of my phone going off broke me from my vile musings. I had a message from Alice. _Don't you dare give up or I am coming to get you. _Anger hot and thick flared within me. How dare she? She had no clue how all of this felt, how I felt! The constant struggle to move, to breathe, to simply exist was more painful than any transformational fire. But her message served its purpose; it got me back to the task at hand and the anger drained away.

But this last bout of depression, it left me drained and weary. For two days I struggled to find a way out, to beat back the darkness that engulfed me. I knew what triggered this last low, but I was powerless to stop it. There were forces beyond my control. That was why I searched frantically for a way to stave it off.

I knew the longer I went without hearing my angel's voice, the worse it would be. I had not heard it in over five days and I was in a full blown panic. So I searched for a way to make her talk to me, but it had been too long and everything I contained inside was creeping closer to the surface, ever closer to taking over. Knowing that I needed to get out of the public eye before all hell broke loose; I lurched my way back to the hotel room I was staying in.

My hands were shaking so bad with the force of just trying to hold on to my sanity that it took several tries before I could even open the door. Once open, I crumbled against the closest wall and there I stayed, for two whole days.

I wish I could say the blackness was comforting, but this was unlike the blackness of the cave. In the cave the pain and overwhelming feelings stayed at the edges. They mocked me and made sure I was aware of their presence, but they never dominated me. But here the blackness devoured me. The feeble walls I had constructed to keep my intense emotions at bay fell like dominoes. Then there was no stopping the feelings from washing over me, drowning me.

Everywhere I looked, I saw all my failings and damages lined up neat and orderly for my inspection, each of them were a painful reminder of how much of an utter failure I was. There was no denying the truth of them. To my shame they were all completely accurate.

I read the titles of my failures: loving a human, James, my rebellious years, leaving my love behind, disappointing my family, hurting Alice, Emmett, and Esme. Helpless and hopeless to struggle against them, I believed them all. So I listened to them and their stories of how I will always fall short. It was easier to accept what they said than to argue. So I sat in my corner and watched a parade of my inadequacies floating before me.

Somewhere I was conscious enough to sense a buzzing in my brain, a constant, but faint buzzing inside my head. It was easy to ignore at first, I was unsure if I was actually hearing anything. But slowly the noise grew steadily louder and it was harder to push aside. Every once in a while it would meander to the forefront of my awareness, but when I tried to focus on it, off it went. It left me with a sense of apprehension, as if I had forgotten something vital.

I scoffed at such a notion, I was a vampire, I could not forget anything. Yet, the feeling persisted. I could not shake the notion that I needed to concentrate on the buzzing. It was hard to think with all the noise of my failures, but I tried to focus on that buzzing. It wasn't easy and at times the noise was deafening, but I kept focusing.

Soon I thought I could make out words, but they were just snippets and made no sense. Determined to figure out what I was hearing and what I had forgotten, I continued to listen. The desire to solve this riddle helped dim the litany of my failures. It was easier to push them away and tune them out. Now I was consumed by the mystery of the buzzing, the nagging belief that I had forgotten something important.

Time was unimportant, all other desires and wants fell to the wayside as I went after that elusive buzzing. Ever so slowly, even more words could be heard and some even recognizable; search, promise, safe. They didn't mean much to me, but from somewhere deep inside me they felt pressing, engrained in me. Those words ran on an endless loop and they roused me. Who needed to be safe? Did I make a promise to someone? I asked limitless questions, but got no answers.

Anger coursed through me at my inability to solve this simple conundrum. I felt weak, pathetic-_human. _Then suddenly it all made complete sense, the pieces were revealed and they silently clicked into place. The buzzing roared to a crescendo as I remembered there was something I had forgotten. There was a promise I made, to make someone safe. There was a search that I was on and it was important to me; it was essential to me. It was my driving force and it was time to get back to it.

Just like that the black hole I had been sucked into spit me back out. The din of voices rushed back as cognition flowed over my mind. I looked around me at the room I was in. I found my phone laying a few feet from where I had crumbled in agony. Reaching for it I flipped it open to see that two days had passed. I was livid at myself that I could wallow in my own misery for two whole days while Victoria was out there doing who knew what. I hadlost precious time in my search to feel sorry for myself. I was disgusted and even more determined to resume my search. That is exactly what I did.

Back to the present and the search at hand, I tried to get a handle on my emotions. They were all over the place and I needed to remain sharp and focused. I could not be distracted if-no _when _I find Victoria. This all needed to end at that moment.

As I made my way into Pennsylvania, I let my thoughts wonder over the past month of highs, those wondrous times when I'd heard her voice. There were not many of them and I felt ashamed of that. I admit, at first I felt silly prowling around heavily populated cities trying to play hero. That just wasn't me, it couldn't be me. If any vampire could play hero it was Carlisle, hands down. He never let the beast inside him win; he even found a way to tame it. I was always in awe of him. Yet, I still took time in every city to wonder around, looking for a way to hear my angel's voice.

The first time I heard her voice after the car accident was just as I was getting ready to leave Minnesota and head into Wisconsin. I had spent time in a small town called Hinkley. It was home to a casino so there was ample crowds of people and travelers and therefore easier for me to blend in. I spent about an hour looking around and was feeling rather stupid when I decided to just continue my search. I melted into the darkness of nightfall as I made my way through the outskirts of town. I was following a small river hoping I would find a deer to dine on as I continued to search for Victoria. Then the quiet of the night was broken by a crack, a splash of water and the frantic thoughts of someone. Without thinking I ran towards the river bank and scanned back and forth looking for where the sound had come from. There I spotted, about thousand feet from me, a small child frantically trying to get out of the frozen water of the river.

I flashed to the child who looked no more than three or four years old and scooped him out of the water. The river had a thin coating of ice that was covered by the most recent snowfall. There was no way for him to know it was not safe. I could hear the chattering of teeth as the child's body tried to stay warm. The fingertips and lips were faintly blue. Concerned that he may be experiencing hypothermia, I looked around and spotted the child's footprints. I followed them away from the river and headed towards the house they originated from.

Inside I could hear a TV and through the window I saw another child sitting in pajama's watching a movie. Another scan of the house told me there was one other person and it was upstairs talking on the phone. For a brief moment I thought of just placing the child on the back stoop and leaving, but I was concerned for his welfare. What if the person inside did not know how to treat hypothermia? I could not take that chance.

Hesitating only slightly, I knocked on the door loudly. The child watching the movie answered the door. He looked at me then at his sibling in my arms and shouted, "Hey, what ya doing with my brother? Ericka! Someone's got Jack and he's all wet."

The frantic pounding of feet on the steps was followed by the appearance of what I assumed was Ericka. Her eyes franticly went back and forth between me and Jack, who by now was shivering uncontrollably. Her thoughts were in constant chaos. Trying to figure out what had happen, what to do next, trying to determine if I meant harm. She was almost paralyzed by her fear and indecision. Which was not a good thing for little Jack.

I knew I needed to give her a little nudge. Keeping my voice soft and gentle, I prodded her. "He really needs to get out of these wet clothes before hypothermia sets in. Do you need help in warming him?" I figured I would fall back on the lie I used at the accident. "I am studying to be an EMT, I can help."

She broke from her confusion, "Oh, yes. Please help him. What should I do?" With that I entered the house and we laid Jack on the couch. We stripped him of his wet clothes and dressed him in warm pajamas. I had Ericka place a few blankets in the dryer to warm them and we bundled him in several other blankets. She found a few old hot water bottles and we had him curl around them. I told her to keep watch, making sure that his temperature rises. I left her with a suggestion to contact his doctor in the morning to get him checked out.

As I was leaving she thanked me profusely for all my help. "You really were Jack's guardian angel." My eyes widen in shock at her words, before I could break down at her touching sentiments, I nodded my thanks and left the house. I continued on my way into Wisconsin all along re-playing Ericka's kind words. I did not feel I had warranted them, I did not feel like anyone's guardian, much less an angel.

_When will you ever see yourself the way I do? You simply amaze me. You are an angel._

Hearing her words sent an electric thrill through my entire body. It was almost paralyzing. Why did she always think I was more than I could ever be? At one time I dared to consider myself her personal guardian angel, but I learned that I fell exceedingly short. I felt as if she had set the bar impossibly high, that there was no way I would or could live up to it. With all my enhanced strength, senses and abilities, I still had no way to climb the mountain she set before me.

_There is good in you. I know it, I've seen it, experienced it. _

The conviction was strong in her words and I ached to make them true. To be the man she thought she saw, to be the man she deserved. I knew the latter was impossible, so it only left me with one option. To spend the rest of my existence trying to live up to her lofty expectations, even knowing I would fail.

It was almost another two weeks before I heard her again. I was trying to stave off the depression I was feeling. I was amazed by how tired I always felt. It wasn't a physical exhaustion, but an intense emotional one and as each day went by that I did not hear her, it got worse.

I had completed all my grids in Michigan and was continuing onward into Indiana. It was a week after Thanksgiving and I was missing everyone. I knew Alice would be busy shopping for Christmas, dragging anyone she could with her. Esme would be planning the theme of the decorations for the house. Jasper would be trying to hide from Alice what he wanted to get her and Emmett would be scouring his mind for the perfect present for Rose. I was saddened when I realized that I never got a chance to spend a Christmas with Bella.

I tried to move my thoughts to something else, anything but her. If I didn't, I would be sliding down the slippery slope that led only to depression and the black void of my mind. So I threw myself into my search for the perfect way to hear her voice. I was wondering around Fort Wayne which was bustling with people shopping and enjoying unseasonably warm weather. The sound of all the unfamiliar voices was a sufficient distraction from the pain. I allowed my mind to flit from mind to mind, just trying to amuse myself.

There was not much that I had not heard before; concern over shopping for gifts, recent family drama over the holidays, concerns about jobs, marriages, and children. It was oddly normal and I found an unexpected peace in it all. It was proof that life could go on and that was all I asked of her, to continue forward with her normal human life. I wondered if, back in Forks, if she was looking for a gift for her mom and dad…

I was waiting at a crosswalk with several other people when I could hear two people running up behind me. Their thoughts were screaming ahead of them.

_I can so make it across before the light turns._

_He's going to try and beat the light? He's gonna get hit. _

It was the alarm in the second voice that alerted me to the unfolding scene. The crosswalk light was blinking in anticipation of the changing traffic light. The steps of them running got louder and I knew that they would never make it. As the light changed from yellow to red and the opposite light turned green, they streaked past me. One of them stopped and bumped into the gentleman standing next to me. His friend barreled through the crowd and then I noticed the car speeding down the road.

I could see that the other boy would not make it and with the trajectory of the car, there was going to be a huge collision and I did not think the boy would survive. Without thinking I sped to him and prayed that no one noticed my less than human movements. I grabbed the edge of his coat that billowed out behind him and pulled, hard. He stumbled backwards, but the car he did not see continued on its merry way. He fell onto his back and I was sure there would be a bruise, but he would at least be alive. It was a small trade-off in my book.

He looked up in bewilderment, not quite sure how he got where he was. "Dude, what's your damage?"

I wanted to laugh at the irony that was completely lost on this rather ignorant child. Instead I just gave him a smirk as I clued him in, "Would you rather you be on your ass or smeared across the street? I took a chance." With that said I walked across the intersection.

I was still chuckling when a sound I thought I would never hear again filled my mind. Her laugh, sweet and gentle rolled through me. I stopped laughing immediately so I wouldn't miss a single tone of her laugh; it was melodious and soft, just like her.

_You couldn't resist that little taunt could you? _

I shook my head. I had yet to answer her out loud, I feared that would cause her to fade away and I liked to hear her speak for as long as she would.

_I don't blame you, he deserved it. But it was a good thing that you pulled him back. You are getting good at this. I'm proud of you._

Her voice was kind and mellow. It was the perfect balm for my troubled spirit. The tension I held in my back eased and my step were lighter. My mood which was on a precarious slope, evened out and I felt calm. She had always been able to soothe me. She owned me.

The high of hearing her voice that time lasted me for over a week. Often I would pull it out and replay it over and over. What was it about that time that held much more sway over me than any other time that I heard her? I was undecided because there was nothing special or extra meaningful in her words. It could have been about her laugh. It was the first time I had heard her laugh in many months. Maybe it allowed me the unconscious hope that she would be able to move on. Whatever the reason, I relied on it to get me through the darker moments.

As I look back, the most fun I had in trying to hear her voice came in Ohio. I was stuck in a hotel room as the day was sunny on and off, so I needed to wait until sunset to continue on. I was randomly flipping through channels, trying desperately to keep my mind busy. I landed on some unknown movie, but it caught my interest. A boy was talking about doing good deeds for others and asking that they pay it forward to others as a way of thanks. The idea intrigued me. There seemed to be something in the idea of asking others to pass on the spirit of kindness.

I spent the rest of my evening pondering this train of thought. The notion that you start with such a small, simple act of kindness and the potential it had to spread exponentially amazed me. How far reaching could that simple act become? My mind spun in endless circles as I began doing the math. I knew I needed to make something like that happen. But what could I do?

A few hours before dawn, I had my idea and I could not wait to put it into action. Knowing I had several errands to run before executing my plan I looked up today's weather. If it was sunny, I would need to put everything on hold. A smile lifted the corners of my mouth; it was forecasted to be rather cloudy. Perfect.

With that I packed up my bag and checked out of my room. I headed towards my first destination. It took longer than I thought as the manager had to double check my information. I couldn't blame him. If I was duping him it would be his job on the line. Next I went to the copy place. I composed my note and made several copies. I bought plain white envelopes and assembled everything. With that done I headed for the largest mall that was closest to me.

I was lucky it was a Saturday, there would be more people. The mall was busy but not crowded. It wouldn't matter to me, my actions would go unnoticed. I wondered aimlessly, listening in to the thoughts that swirled around me. There was no real rhyme or reason to my methods; I was just looking for people that could use a little boost.

A few hours later and I was almost done with my distribution. I had a few envelopes left. Selfishly I wanted to see someone's reaction, just to see if my idea gave a bit of happiness to someone. I navigated the mall and found myself in the food court. It was close to lunch time and it was the perfect place to sit and observe someone without being noticed. I concentrated hard on the voices around me, looking for a few specific types of people. I found the first easily.

It was a sweet family of four, a mom and her three kids. I watched as the kids talked and ate and I saw the obvious joy and love written clear across her face. Her thoughts however gave away her hidden stress. I made way over and slipped an envelope into a bag when her back was turned. A few minutes later I found the last person to receive my gift.

She was sitting by the fake fireplace in the center of the food court. She had just ended a phone call and was now anxiously looking around obviously searching for someone. Her thoughts told me it was her husband. I also heard that there was some news she wanted to give him, it was happy news. She was the perfect recipient for my last envelope.

I sat in the chair next to her and bent down to tie my shoe. I slipped the envelope into a bag she would show her husband once he came back. I pretended to read a book I had brought with to give me a reason to stay so I could observe. I only had to wait a few more minutes before her husband showed. They kissed their hellos and I could see the excitement in her eyes, which had brightened considerably. She told him she was able to find the book he was looking for and she reached into the bag. She pulled out the book and the envelope at the same time. The anticipation I was feeling ratcheted up another notch.

I watched as she handed the book to her husband and turned the envelope over and over. Her thoughts were puzzled. She had no idea what it was and was trying to figure out how it got there. Her husband was momentarily distracted by his book. She determined there was no harm in opening it up. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched, excitement coursing through me.

Her breath halted for a few seconds as she absorbed what she was seeing. Ever so cautiously she took the bundle out, separating the money from the note. Not surprisingly she counted the money twice. Each time it added up $2500. Her eyes went wide and her thoughts went blank. I smiled. It was interesting to watch her try and process what she was seeing. Eventually she turned to the note which read:

_In the spirit of the Holiday Season, I give you this anonymous gift. May it lighten your load and ease any burdens you may be experiencing. All I ask in return is that you bestow an anonymous kindness to someone else. No matter how big or small of a gesture; it is the thought and the intent that counts the most. May your Holidays be filled with love, joy, and happiness._

I heard as she re-read the note several times before finally tugging on her husband's arm and handing him the note. Like her, his eyes went wide and then he saw the money she was holding. A huge grin broke out on his face and I could almost hear a huge sigh of relief. I saw her intent a few seconds before she leaned down to whisper to him, 'The agency called, we got the baby. We can pick her up in a few weeks."

That was my cue to leave, this was a private moment for them and I had intruded long enough. I never made it out of the mall before my angel spoke to me.

_You always find bigger and better ways to amaze me. What you did was beyond wonderful. Are you sure you're not an angel?_

I could almost hear the smile in her question.

'No," I whispered to the wind, "You're always my angel."

**A/N: Soo.. what ya think? I hope the switching back and forth in time was not confusing.. it was the easiest way for me to convery all that had happened..hence my writers block on this one.**

**Soo please tell me what you think, good or bad- just leave a review..PLEASE? Like always, reviewers get a hint for the next chapter and a little chit chat from me!**


	17. Ch 16 Common Ground

**A/N: Here is the next chapter..sorry for the delay. To make it up to you, it is an extra long one. :) I want to give a huge shout out to my beta- PisceanPal23, who right now is frantically trying to survive finals...I know you can do it girl!**

**To all my wonderful readers..thank you se very much for the reviews and faves and alerts...they bring a smile to me whenever I see them in my email!**

**As always, I do not own anything realted to Twilight..I am just playing in her world. ENJOY!**

Common Ground

The wide open spaces of Pennsylvania brought me back to the present. I took a deep breath and let the scents assault me. There was the scent of dying grass, of small animals scurrying, a hint of rain, the coolness of the air, but no vampire. I was coming up on the Appalachian Mountains and the last leg of the US Border States. I could feel my emotions starting to slide. It was that I had traversed all these miles and still found no hint of Victoria, but it was also a few days before Christmas.

It had been over a month since I'd spoken to my family and I had no desire to call them. It had also been over three months since I'd left her. My desire to race back to her ebbed and flowed. There were days when I was strong enough to stay true to my promise to her that she never see me again. Other days, when the selfish side found the strength to protest, all I wanted to do is run back and beg her forgiveness. On those days I would lock myself down and force myself to remember why the selfish side was so very wrong.

I was having one of those days, and to top it off I needed to find another hotel room. There would be partly sunny skies tomorrow and my phones needed to charge. Holed up with my erratic emotions was not my idea of fun. It was just another day in the life of a monster. With a less than pleasant attitude, I snatched the keys from the hotel receptionist and stalked away towards my room.

With resignation I pulled out my worn map and crossed off the sections I had searched. I realized how close I was to my family and ached to see them. No, it was more like I was tired of being alone and just wanted to feel something, anything. Anything beyond the despair, pain, anger and intense grief that were my constant companions. But I knew that once the temporary happiness my homecoming would bring wore off, I would be searching for a way to leave again. It was better for me to leave them alone.

I grabbed my phone and began searching the area for any suspicious deaths or unexplained disappearances. A feeling of unease washed over me when I realized how much I wished to find something. I felt sick and my most recent feeding sloshed uncomfortably in my stomach adding to the feeling. I did not want to wish harm on anyone and to even think it made me angry.

I wanted to rage against it all. Who I was, the choices I had made, the loss of her, the loss of my family. There were the feelings of isolation, my failure in tracking and the necessity of it and the knowledge that Victoria would cause harm and I was powerless to stop it. My only thought had been to keep Victoria from ever coming in contact with my angel, but what about the countless, nameless other victims? Didn't they deserve saving just as much? Frustration at my inability to keep Victoria from harming anyone else poured out of me.

My head fell to the desk I was sitting at and my hands clutched at my hair. I wanted to yank it out; I hated feeling helpless. There had to be a better way, didn't there? I was tired of hoping I would be lucky enough to come across her scent. I wanted to feel like I had a clue about what I was doing. My systematic searching was getting me nowhere fast.

I pushed the chair away from the desk and paced the small room. It took me exactly eleven and a half steps to go from one end to the other. I knew I had to find another way to approach this, there needed to be another way. I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes. I needed to go back to the beginning and review everything. I had to find that one clue or hint that could unravel this mystery. Keeping my eyes closed, I started to relax. I needed to be calm and in control. There was no time to fall apart and lose it, she was counting on me and I refused to let her down. I had done enough of that already.

So in my mind I went back to that night in the field, the night we played baseball and all hell broke loose. I started from when I first heard their thoughts, minutes before they were in the clearing. She was curious, but more furious at James for being excited. She did not understand what there was to be excited about.

When she made it into the clearing, her eyes swept all around, looking for any other potential threats. Then she turned her gaze onto the seven of us standing strong. In my mind's eye I longed to gaze upon her, to see her one more time. But I was not strolling down this memory to look at my angel. There were plenty of other good memories I could drag out whenever I wanted.

As they drew closer, my memories were more focused on James and his intense scrutiny of us all, sizing us up, looking for our strengths and categorizing our weaknesses. I switched to the memories that Emmett and Jasper let me see so many weeks back. Both of them were preoccupied with making sure they were aware of their mates and looking at the trio of vamps standing before us.

That's when it all clicked for me, the elusive piece of information I had overlooked. I felt quite foolish for not seeing or thinking about it, for not even considering it when I was planning my tracking expedition. But there it was, hard to ignore. There was one person I had forgotten, one person who would know much more about Victoria than I could ever hope to know. Laurent was with James and Victoria for some time. How much time I was unsure of, but it was long enough for the three of them to develop a strategy when confronting other vampires.

Laurent took the place of leader due to his ability to be civil and congenial. We learned all too soon that it was James who was the true leader of that coven. Laurent was along for the ride, but he had no real ties to them. It was all too easy for him to up and leave, especially when things got a bit tense. He had left to find our cousins in Denali. He was intrigued by the life we led and went to see how it could fit him.

So, the next concern for me was how willing he would be to talk to me about Victoria. How much would he divulge to help me? If he was still in Denali after all this time, he may be willing to help out, although it might be prudent that I keep the reasons why I needed that information to myself. Maybe I should call up there, just to see if he is still there. No, that was a bad idea. I did not want to tip him off.

I went on like that for hours, question after question. I began planning the best way to approach him and the questions most likely to give me the information I desperately sought. I had a new purpose, a new focus in my hunt and for the first time, I felt an emotion besides the endless pain and sadness. I felt hope. I savored that for some time. Letting it course through my veins, seep into my bones, into my very essence. This could all end very soon.

In the end the best course of action would be to head out there and talk to him face to face. I was already planning on searching the Canadian Provinces, so I could kill two birds with one stone. Excited by the new turn of events, I went online to map out my search patterns. I did not have a map of Canada I could do this on, so I needed to down load a map on my phone. I then spent the next few hours plotting the exact routes I would travel. If my calculations were correct, it would take me a little over a month to get to Denali.

Once done I looked at the time and realized I had spent most of the day planning and strategizing. Sunset would be in a few hours and then I could begin my search anew. The hope I had felt swelled to unbearable heights. I was sure that once I spoke to Laurent, I would be so much closer to finding Victoria than I ever had been. The prospect of such an idea, it had my muscles coiled and ready for action. I could even dare to envision how the fight would go down, how I would put an end to her. Once I had her in front of me, there would be no escape, no mercy.

As the last of the light faded from the horizon I was out of the hotel and on my way to Toronto, the first city in my search. I also needed to gather more supplies, or more actually, more props. I was heading into a colder climate so I needed a jacket that would fit where I was. My cover in case I ran into any humans was that I was doing some winter camping, so I also needed a winter tent. I was not planning on spending many days in hotels; most of my searching would be in remote wilderness areas. Yet, I wanted to be able to continue searching nearby cities for any suspicious deaths. So I needed a portable way to recharge my phones' battery.

With my props in hand, I took off into the night. The air was cold and the skies were clear. As I got further from the city lights, I gazed at the massive amounts of stars laid out before me, their quiet and stark beauty was easy to appreciate. The stories that they told resonated deep inside me. To keep me company, I ran through some of my favorite stories: Cassiopeia, Hercules, Orion and even Gemini, which my sign fell under. The tales of love, war, the Gods and drama filled my time and made it easy to continue on my journey. The normal melancholy that would creep in the longer I searched with no fruitful results was absent.

I knew it was because I had hope. I had a plan that could, no, _would _reap rewards and benefits. Those would then in turn lead me towards Victoria and her demise. That would allow me to fulfill the promise I had made to myself, to protect my love, to ensure her safety for the rest of her life. To eliminate any possible dangers that would seek to cause her harm. I may not be able to be there to save her from herself and the inevitable trips, stumbles, falls and other calamities that befall the eternally clumsy. In place of that, I would keep the larger dangers from her, those of my kind that may seek her out. It was a worthy trade in my eyes.

The days melded together into one week and within a blink of an eye two weeks had passed and I was excited that I was half-way towards my goal. I could almost taste the success, the relief that I was doing something with a purpose. Of course it would be nice if I found her before I spoke to Laurent, but it did not matter. Once I spoke to him and gathered the needed information everything would fall into place. It would only be a matter of time and not too much of it I was certain, before Victoria was dead. Anticipation once more flowed through me; venom coated my mouth in excess in preparation of the fight. My entire body hummed with energy, my muscles longing to stretch and flex. I had never been more ready to spring into action. I even hunted more often to keep my body and mind strong and poised.

It was rare for me to be so wrapped in my own excitement and positive emotions. For so long my mind had dwelled in the dark and dangerous realm of pain and grief. Everything was brighter, sharper; more in focus and it distracted me. But it was a welcome distraction and one I relished in. Even the pending rain was unable to damper my spirits. So with optimism still charging through me, I began to set up my tent. The chance of a human stumbling by me while in the Canadian wilderness was slight, but I was meticulous in maintaining the façade.

In a manner of minutes the tent was up and I was inside. I took out my phone, wanting to do some searching of recent news and police reports before the rain interfered with my cell signal. A scan of all the nearby cities revealed nothing to make me suspect a rouge vampire was on the loose. With that done, I figured now was a good time to hunt. The desire and urgent need for blood had yet to fully return, but I needed my strength to be at its peak. So I resumed my normal hunting habits regardless of my thirst.

A few hours later, sated and feeling good I headed back to my tent. I was so wrapped up in my own internal thoughts that I had let my guard down and forgot to be completely aware of my surroundings. I was a few miles from my tent when I ran across a scent I was unfamiliar with. It seemed to be a vampire, but I was not completely sure. I reached out with my other senses, but I could hear no thoughts. I followed the scent and was shocked to discover it was heading in the direction of my tent. The drizzling rain was becoming steadily heavier and I knew that it would wipe the trail clean.

I changed course and decided to come at my campsite from the back, in the hopes I may discover who this unknown person was. The rain would make sure my scent did not alert the other to my presence, so I continued forward, gliding over the debris of the forest floor. I was within a half mile when I heard the noise behind me. I whipped around and simultaneously slipped into my hunting crouch. A gasp flew from my lips when I tried to process what was before my eyes.

It was female and the shape was vaguely familiar. But it was the hair that had me mesmerized. It was long and wavy and an eerily similar shade to… Bella's? The thought stopped me cold. It couldn't be; there was no way. Quickly I scanned the remaining features. The height was close to the same, the shape of the face was achingly familiar. "Bella?"

The question slipped from my lips before I could even think it through. Half of me fervently wished it was her; the other part would die if she had been changed. My thoughts spiraled wildly out of control.

"No," she replied. "My name is Sophia and I would appreciate it if you would relax your stance."

The voice had the familiar chime of our kind, and I sensed no maliciousness in her tone either. My proximity to her also allowed me to hear her thoughts. They were nothing more than curious as to who I was and what I was doing out here. Realizing that there was no immediate danger, I relaxed my posture.

"Forgive me. I was surprised by you and my reaction was instinctive. I meant no harm." If she could be polite, I could as well.

She nodded and smiled at my statement. "Apology accepted. Would you be so kind as to tell me your name?"

"Forgive my lapse in manners, I am Edward Cullen." Her smile was kind and welcoming. I sensed no hostility in her thoughts, soI began to relax slightly.

"Is that your tent I found no more than half a mile from here?" She nodded in the direction of the tent. From her thoughts I gathered she went through it and found nothing to tie it to me. Although she only smelled me, she wondered if a human would be on their way back to it, get out of the rain.

"Yes, it is mine." She arched one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. It was then I noticed her vivid crimson eyes. She had recently fed and wondered if the tent was mine by default as the previous owner was no longer living. I did not want to clue her in to the fact that I could read her thoughts, but I longed to correct her assumption about my eating habits. I was proud of who I was.

"Your eyes?" she whispered. Her thoughts were whirling, trying to reconcile what she was seeing with stories she had heard. "They are not red. Why?"

"I do not drink the blood of humans, only the blood of animals, which is why my eyes are this color." Her sharp intake of air ended on a gasp. "It's true? I have heard about _Stregoni benefici. _Is that you?" The awe in her voice made me proud that Carlisle was my father. I was even more humbled that she thought I was the good vampire she referenced.

I shook my head slowly, "No that is my father, my creator. I only strive to live by the example he has set for me." A strange desire to continue talking to her overtook me. I acted on that impulse before I could think twice.

"Would you like to get out of the rain? The tent is more than large enough." I gestured towards the tent as if to say I would follow her. "I would be happy to tell you more about my father and this life style, if you're interested." Her thoughts were full of curious questions when she heard about Carlisle. She was intrigued.

"That would be delightful." With that she sped towards the tent and we were there in a matter of minutes. I went in first so she would be closer to the exit if she should feel threatened. I shrugged out of my wet jacket and placed it into the corner of the tent. She watched me with curious eyes. I continued to get more comfortable. I took off my shoes and replaced my wet socks with dry ones.

"You go through the motions of acting human. Is that part of your diet?" Her voice held no condemnation, merely curiosity.

"I guess in a way, yes. Because of our diet we are able to interact among humans and live among them. So we have adopted human habits to blend in." I made a wide sweeping gesture to show her what I meant. "We have a permanent residence in For- in Ithaca. Even though we can live among them, we are unable to stay long. We try to leave before the humans realize we are not aging."

She drank in every word I spoke. "Tell me how you came to adopt this lifestyle, how your father came to live this way." She gave a soft smile, it was encouraging.

So I gave her an abbreviated version of Carlisle and his transformation and how he resisted who he was and how he tried to keep from drinking from humans until it became too much. I spoke of him pouncing on the deer in a moment of desperation and the philosophy of our vegetarian lifestyle being born. I told her how he found me dying and created me out of a desire for companionship. I talked about my rebellious period and how I crawled back to my family. She asked how many were in my family and if they all subscribed to the same lifestyle. I told her there were seven of us that all lived this way. Her eyes went wide at the mention of how many of us there were.

"You have all been able to resist human blood?" Her thoughts gave away the real question, how often did we slip.

"As time goes by it becomes easier to resist the pull, but we are very cautious. While we may live among humans, we rarely interact with them. Of course my father is an exception. He practices medicine where ever we live. He is mostly immune to the scent of blood." I could say no more as I felt that we were close to the topic of _her,_ and I did not want to go there.

The amazement she felt at hearing about Carlisle's restraint, created an ache for my family. The pain and grief I was able to forget about for the last few weeks was threatening to crush me with its intensity. I missed them all and part of me wished that I could be with them. Yet, I knew how impossible that would be; it would be too painful for me and for them.

I felt Sophia's eyes watching me. She noticed the slight hunch in my shoulders and the haunted look in my eyes. _He holds such deep and consuming pain. _The pity and sympathy I heard in her thoughts nearly undid me. That a stranger could sense and pick up on the deep well of loss and hurt I carried with me was unsettling. Maybe I was unable to hide it as well as I thought.

"Forgive me if this seems too forward, but I sense that you carry a deep emotional burden. It is my gift, the ability to sense the emotions that lie buried deep inside, the ones that are often unacknowledged. So I find it odd that you are alone, far from your home and family, when you speak of them with such love and fondness. Why are you not with them? Or is your pain because of your family?"

I was struck by the accuracy and keenness of her observations. I closed my eyes in preparation of the pain I was sure was not far in coming. I could sense it was just at the edges of my awareness. A sudden overwhelming desire to unload my emotional burden washed over me. I opened my eyes to look at Sophia. I saw nothing that would convey she would judge me or my pain. I saw compassion and sympathy. Deep inside I felt she would understand, so I began speaking before I could chicken out.

"I fell in love with a human girl, Bella." Her named burned off my tongue. I tried to control the spasm of pain that rolled through me at the mention of her name. "She was mine once and I still love her. But I became too dangerous to her; my world was putting her in constant risk. At her birthday party she got a paper cut trying to open a gift. My brother had difficulty in controlling himself and attempted to kill her. In my haste to protect her I threw her away from him and she suffered several deep cuts. It was then that I realized that if she stayed with me, she would not have her chance to live a normal human life. I left her in the hopes that she would move on, forget me and live out a normal life." By now my voice was a faint whisper and the pain had its fingers on me, it was pulling at me, threatening to consume me. I could not look at Sophia; I feared what I would see.

Her thoughts betrayed nothing, instead she was thinking of a man. The images went by fast, almost as if she was flipping through a picture album. Many of the images had them together, they looked happy. The last and the one she lingered on the longest was the man being ripped apart. I was so engrossed in the images that image that I almost didn't hear her question.

"Why did you not change her if you love her so much? Then you would not have to worry about her being in danger anymore." I tried to place her tone. It wasn't accusatory, but more matter of fact. In her mind, it seemed such an obvious question.

My head snapped up and looked at her, I was horror struck at her assumption. "No! I could never do that to her. She deserves much more than me. She deserves a life where she can marry, have children, grow old. She deserves a normal human life. I could not damn her to an existence as a soulless monster. I love her too much for that." The force behind each word left me gasping.

"Did she not love you? Did she not want to become a vampire?" She was puzzled and I was becoming angry. Who was this person to pass judgment on me?

"She loved me as much as a human can love. She asked me several times to change her. She claimed she understood all that she would give up. But she doesn't really understand what it means to be like us. I could not, will not risk her soul." I glared at her, daring her to mock me.

She regarded me for a while. I wondered if she was sampling the emotions I was feeling. She would get a handful; anger, loss, pain, sadness, confusion, resignation. I am sure there were many more, but I was too drained to take stock of them all. She took a deep breath, not because she needed to, but to steady her nerves.

"Maybe it is time you heard my story. Perhaps it may help you." I was immediately skeptical. I could not see how her story would be pertinent. She smiled softly again, she could read how I felt. "Humor me please. It is only fair that I tell you my story after you told me so much about you and your family." Curiosity got the best of me and I nodded my assent.

"I was turned in the early 1700's, in Paris. The where's and why's of it are not important to the part of my story I wish you to hear. I stayed with my creator for about 10 years. I was with him that long because I was terrified of being alone. Even after I had mastered my strength and what I was, I hated the idea of being alone. But after 10 years, I could not stand to be with him, we weren't mates and he allowed me to leave." He eyes grew dazed and I could see in her head how frightened she had been to leave the only other vampire she had known.

"I had always wanted to travel, I had dreamed about it as a human, so that is what I set out to do. I went all over Europe, Asia and even the New World eventually. I loved it. The new experiences, sights, sounds, I craved it all. I learned all that I could about local cultures, languages, music, art, it fascinated me. It was on one of my numerous trips to Italy that I found him." She grew quiet, almost sad and once again I saw the man she had pictured before.

"He was working in his father's vineyard. He was sweet and perfect. A mop of dark unruly curls graced his head and he had the most dazzling set of blue eyes; they captivated me. I watched as he played his lute outside in the moonlight. For days and then weeks I would come to his home in the hopes of seeing him. I never talked to him, I just wanted to be near him." I could sense the ache and longing she had for this man. Her mind replayed the nights she lurked in the tree line just outside his home. It made me miss my love all that much more.

"I'm not sure when or even why, but one day I went to talk to him. I just had to; there was some unseen force that drew me to him. I walked out of my hiding place and up to him. He was playing his lute again. He never looked at me, but his face lifted into this amazing smile. 'It's about time you came out.' I was shocked that he knew I had been out there and I was very confused. I said nothing. When he looked at me, I was breathless. His eyes and that smile made me weak in the knees. I was scared and unnerved and hopelessly in love with him."

I was lost in my memories just as she seemed to be. I was reliving the first time I saw Bella right along with her. The eerie similarities shook me. I had thought that what I have- correction- had with Bella, was rare. To hear that another of my kind was able to fall in love with a human left me wanting to know more. I watched her eyes as she tried to gather the scattered thoughts running through her mind.

"I still said nothing and he continued to talk as if we had been old friends. 'I felt your eyes on me every night. It's why I came out every night, just to see if you would be there. My name is Luca and it's nice to meet you.' The more he spoke, the more I was enthralled with him. I talked with him for a bit and when his scent became too much I left. We did that for a while, talking at night until it became too much for me. When we were apart, I longed for him, I felt unsettled and incomplete. I knew from meeting other vampires who had mated that he was mine. I had fallen for a human."

As she described her feelings for Luca, they mirrored the way I felt about _her_ and I knew without a doubt that she was my mate. I had never fully claimed that title in referring to her, but now that I had, a new wave of pain and longing ripped through me. I could finally name the feeling that was hanging around the edges. I thought it was grief, maybe even anger, but I was so wrong. It was one of incompleteness.

Unaware of my new revelation, Sophia continued with her story.

"Night after night and week after week we met. Each time I was able to stay longer and get closer to him. I feared that he would notice my eyes and become scared of me. I knew I should stay away from him, but I could not bring myself to do so." There was an edge to her voice that I could not place and her thoughts were only of Luca. She ached for him with every fiber of her being.

"Did his blood smell any different to you? Was it more potent to you than any other human you had encountered?" The question tore out of me without much conscious thought. The idea that maybe Luca had smelled just as appealing to her as my angel was to me had been burning in my mind for some time.

Sophia's gaze turned towards me and her eyes were thoughtful. "No, I do not remember that he smelled any different, but I never gave it much thought. Most humans smelled the same to me. Why do you ask? Did Bella smell different to you?"

This time I was prepared for her to say _her_ name and I held my breath in anticipation of the pain. My eyes involuntarily closed, I did not want Sophia to see the level of pain I felt just hearing her name brought me. Not sure if I could speak, I just nodded my head. My eyes squeezed closed even harder as memories I had bottled up and pushed aside spilled forward. The tantalizing aroma of her skin in Biology; the unique combination of freesia, lavender and strawberry shampoo; the flood of heat at her blush and how it made her smell even better. Out of the blue I felt Sophia's hand on my clenched one.

"Shh, I didn't mean to cause pain." It was then I had realized my entire body was shaking in tearless sobs. It had been too long since I cried over her and I felt guilty and ashamed.

Without opening my eyes I answered her, "I know. It's just thinking of her is hard. I try not to, but sometimes the memories overwhelm me. To answer your previous questions, yes, she did smell different. Her scent was the most alluring I had ever encountered. I nearly killed her the second I smelled her. But I resisted and instead I fell in love with her. It took weeks before I felt in control enough to touch her and even longer before I could kiss her." I took a deep steadying breath and opened my eyes, "Please continue your story." I could no longer bear her scrutiny and I needed to take the focus off me. It made me feel vulnerable.

Sophia watched the emotions as they flitted across my face, it would take some time before I could rebury them and present a façade of calmness. Once she sensed that I was as under control as I could be, she continued with her tale.

"Like you, I worked up my ability to be close to Luca. When we finally held hands I was sure he would run in revulsion. But my Luca surprised me once again. He took my hand and placed it in both of his. As time wore on I knew I would have to tell Luca what I was. I feared his reaction and I could sense his growing puzzlement over what I was. I noticed how he would look at my face, my skin, even my eyes and yet I felt no fear from him.

One night as we lay by the river, I told him what I was. Calmly he listened to what I had to say and asked questions when I was done. For over an hour he was silent in his thoughts. His emotions did not give him away, they stayed calm. Finally he stated he needed time to think. We devised a way for him to let me know if he was ready to talk. He would leave a single white rose near the tree where we always meet. If after a week, I went to the tree and a rose was there, it meant he needed more time. I was to come back in another week to see if there was another rose. If there wasn't it meant he did not want to see me anymore.

Oh, the apprehension I felt after a week had gone by and I was on my way to our tree. I knew the way by heart, so I closed my eyes and stopped breathing; I did not want to know his response any sooner than I needed to. That first week I stood near our tree for hours, trying to find the courage to look. When I did, there was a rose. I wept with relief and joy. I had my Luca for another week. For two more weeks I repeated the same steps, each time it took me less time to open my eyes and each time there was a rose."

There was no mistaking the relief and happiness that Sophia had felt. Even after all this time, her face lit up when she mentioned that Luca had left her a rose. That simple gesture brought a smile to her face. It gave me hope that down the road, my angel could look back at the time we shared and smile.

"By the fourth week, I was flying towards our tree, I was eager and excited to see if I had a rose waiting. If it took him years to finally talk to me, I would gladly wait, just to know that there was hope. A hope for us, it was all I needed. I approached the tree and without much waiting I opened my eyes, and there was no rose. I did not know what to think or what to say. I just stared at our tree and the absence of a rose. I crumpled to the ground and wailed. My beloved Luca was gone. I was so consumed with my grief that I did not feel the hands on my face, stroking my cheeks.

"Shh my darling, I am here." My eyes flew open and there he was, in all his beauty. I could not speak or move; I could only stare at my Luca kneeling in front of me. He then presented me not with a white rose, but an entire arm full of red roses. I was so overcome with emotion that I continued to cry. He then told me how he was held up by family matters and was unable to be there waiting for me. He expressed how sorry he was that he had caused me sadness.

Once I could finally speak we talked for hours, just until sunrise. Normally I would leave before then, to prevent him from seeing my skin, but this day, he asked me to stay. We watched the sun as it crept over the horizon and Luca watched as the sparkles danced all around us. It was then that he asked me if I could change him. I was surprised by the question, but I knew without hesitation I would try to grant his request.

Over the next few weeks we planned and I practiced. When I was feeding I would try and pull away. It was extremely hard, but I was able to find a way. When the time came, I went to his home one last time and we ran away. I carried him as we ran to some caves that lined the ocean. I had lived in them before on my previous travels and knew that we would be protected. I hunted just before I was to change him, to give me added reassurance that I would stop in time. Luca's trust in me never wavered. He had faith in me that I could not find in myself."

Her voice grew quiet as she recounted the preparations they made for Luca's change. I was appalled and in awe of her all at once. She did what I could never bring myself to do and I wanted to hate her for it. But I could not find the energy in me to do that, so I became angry instead. Her disregard for Luca's soul and life repulsed me. I found her selfish and self-serving. She put her needs in front of her love for Luca and for that she damned them both.

If she felt my emotions she did not let on in her thoughts, instead she finished her tragic tale.

"He made it through the transformation and we went on and lived our lives. It was beautiful and perfect and Luca never once resented what I did. We traveled and explored, we loved each other passionately, and we lived with no regrets. Close to a hundred and fifty years we had together and I cherish every single one of them. It was about twenty-five years ago that I lost him. We were traveling in Poland and ended up in the middle of a turf war. Someone was trying to prove a point and Luca was caught in the crosshairs. I watched as they ripped him up and burned him." Her voice was a mere whisper; I had to strain to hear her. The agony written across her face was staggering. I understood all too well the torment of losing the one you loved completely.

The emotions coursing through us both were too much for Sophia and she left the tent to stand outside. I heard as she took great gulps of air. Her thoughts were a twisted and tangled jumble of loss, pain and love. After all this time she still loved and missed Luca immensely. I went to stand by her and placed a gentle hand on her arm.

"I am sorry for your loss. I understand how difficult it is for you." I was sincere in my sympathies, but I was also insanely curious. How did she survive after all this time? She'd had much more time with Luca than I had with my angel and time had not lessened the pain for her. But I knew that our pain was one in the same. Was it because we'd both lost our mates? Is that what made the pain something tangible? Maybe it was because I felt such a kindred connection with her, but whatever it was, the question flew from my lips before I had a chance to stop it.

"How did you survive losing Luca?" The look of shock on her face instantly made me feel shame. But the curiosity I had earlier begged that I ask. I needed to know if there was some way to deal with all the grief I was feeling. I could barely think her name; to speak it would cause the waves of pain and longing to sweep me away. But I watched as she told me their story and she said his name with love and a tinge of sadness. Would it take me decades before I could find some semblance of acceptance?

"I barely survived. For the first few years I wandered aimlessly, hardly feeding, completely unaware of my surroundings. But I… _we_ had made a promise to each other that if one of us should die, the other would continue on. Luca believed that eventually we will all die, that it was a necessary part of the cycle of life. I did not share his view, but I made the promise nonetheless. I would never go back on a promise I made to him. So I endured. As time went on, I found it was easier to make it day by day. I still have my moments when smells, sights and sounds will remind me of him. But like I said before, I do not regret anything that has to do with him."

She stared at me pointedly, as if she was trying to prove a point, but I did not know what it was. All I saw was a wretched tale of selfishness, loss and death. She damned Luca to an unpleasant afterlife all because she could not contain her wants and needs. Her love for him was their downfall.

By now the rain had ended and I needed to be on my way. She watched me silently as I packed up the tent and erased all trace that I was there. I was anxious to be on my way. It was a little over two weeks until I would reach Denali and I wanted to get back on track.

Sophia's thoughts were focused on me. She wondered what I had taken from her story. I did not have the heart to tell her that it only cemented my belief that I did the right thing. As much as it pained me, I knew I'd made the right choice. My angel deserved a long, normal life and I would not take that away from her. I would not let my selfishness over rule my desire to only do what was right by her.

I was trying to find a tactful way to thank Sophia for sharing her story. It was a comfort to me that it wasn't completely abnormal for a vampire and a human to fall in love. While it may not be an optimal situation, love could exist between us. I was almost done packing when I caught the tail end of an errant thought from Sophia. _It was worth it, I would change nothing. _That set off a whole different set of thoughts swishing through my mind. The most pressing was, after it all, was changing him worth it. The burning curiosity I felt from before flamed again. Now may be my only chance to ask the question of someone who would understand why I was asking.

"Before I leave, I do have one more question, if you don't mind?" Fear was laced throughout my words and I was unsure why. She was quiet for a moment, almost sizing up my emotional state before she gave a small nod.

"Knowing what you know now, do you ever think it would have been better if you had not changed him and allowed him to live normally and not risk his soul?"

There was a desperate tone in my voice, one that begged for understanding and maybe even compassion from her. There had to be some part of her that must realize that Luca deserved to be in heaven and not doomed to damnation.

For the space of a few heartbeats, she looked at me and the calmness and absolute certainty I saw in her eyes made me shiver.

"If I had not changed him, I would have spent his life loving him from the shadows. But there was no way I would have been able to stand by and watch him die, not when it was within my power to stop it. Our choice gave us several lifetimes together and I will never, _ever _regret that."

I didn't know what to say, the hope I had clung to came crashing down and I was left with only despair and confusion. Her answer angered and bewildered me. My eyes searched the forest around us, as if the truth could be written on the leaves or be floating on the breeze. Several times I tried to speak, to tell her I did not understand. But my words failed me and I simply stared at her.

Slowly and with much sadness she shook her head, "I see that maybe my story did not help as I thought it would. We look at things from different perspectives. I don't believe we will be able to see eye-to-eye. So, I will thank you for your kindness and patience in listening to me. I can only hope you will find what you are so desperately searching for." With that said, she was gone on a whisper of wind.

Her parting comments confused and startled me, they made no sense. I wasn't looking for anything besides Victoria and I knew Sophia did not know that. No, I wasn't looking for anything- I was running from it. Running from love, security, and the only true peace I had ever known. Mentally giving myself a shake, I gathered my determination. Now was not the time for ruminations, now was the time for action.

I pushed Sophia and her story away; I taking her parting words and giving them no second thought. I glanced at my map and resumed my search for Victoria while I steadily made my way closer to Denali, which would bring me closer to the information I sought. I needed to refocus on my mission and my purpose in this existence.

That worked for a little over a day. For over twenty-four hours I was able to concentrate on the sights and smells, looking for any trace of Victoria. I was able to refine the questions I would ask Laurent when I spoke to him. I knew I needed to elicit as much information as possible without making it obvious what I was doing. It was reasonable that Laurent may be aware of my ability. Our cousins would not understand the inherent danger in disclosing such knowledge. The only consolation I could find was in the hope that he was not skilled in blocking his thoughts the way the rest of my family was. I was sure a few key words would cause any mental barriers he erected to crumble effortlessly.

In a moment of absolute weakness, I found myself obsessing over Sophia and her story. Once I started I was unable to stop. It occupied the other part of my brain that was not focused on my travel and search for Victoria. Sophia was convinced that I would be able to learn something, to discover some uncovered truth that would make everything between my angel and I make sense. But there was none, there was only cold harsh reality. Sophia had acted out of selfishness, not love. She worried about loving him from the shadows. Instead she damned him to live in them. When was all said and done, did the ends really justify the means? Sure, she was able to be with her mate for over one hundred and fifty years, but at what cost?

But that wasn't the worst thought I had. No, my mind could not let go of her response about changing Luca. _But there was no way I would have been able to stand by and watch him die, not when it was within my power to stop it. _At first I recognized that statement as part of her selfishness, the God complex our kind often feels. I had felt it many times over. In my time away from my family many years ago, I deemed I was worthy enough to determine who lived and died. If I only killed those who were predators in their own right, I was helping out the greater good. But eventually I came to realize how wrong I was.

After a while, I saw something else in those words, something so simple and honest that it pained me. There was an understanding of herself and knowing her limitations. Even deeper than that was the recognition that she would be unable to stand by and allow her mate to die. But that was the natural progression of life. It's the way we should have gone if fate had not interceded and made us immortal. I was determined to allow Bella to follow the normal progression of her life; birth, school, love, marriage, children and even death.

I tried to shake the realizations I had about Sophia and her motives behind changing Luca, but they nagged at me. There was an underlying feeling that I was missing a crucial piece of information, that I was unable to see the truth before my eyes. So I did my best to dismiss those doubts and fears, but they remained with me.

So, it was with a heavily conflicted and distracted mind that I continued on my journey. I was less than two days away from Denali and the anticipation of being able to get real, useful knowledge of Victoria drove me to move fast. I was in a heavily wooded area and decided to hunt before I arrived at my cousin's doorstep. I paused and sampled the scents around me. The air was thick with moose and I found my prey easily. Once I was sated, I made way back to my belongings. Just then, the wind picked up and a singular scent swirled all around me. I concentrated solely on that smell, trying to locate its exact location. I followed the air currents seeking and searching the source of what I wanted. My face was one of fierce concentration and determination and when I found the source, one of pure joy. I had found it; I had found a trace of Victoria.

**A/N: I hoped you enjoyed Sophia's story, it's one of my favorite parts so far. Now that Edward finally has a lead on Victoria, what will he do next? If your curious, well... leave me a review..I ALWAYS give hints for the next chapter. PLease review...they make me soooo happy!**


	18. Ch 17 The Hunt Begins

**A/N: I am baaccck! I didn't make ya wait 2 weeks for an update. Consider it a treat in your Easter Basket! My beta ia back from land of finals and studying.. welcome back sweetie! I missed you. To all my reviews.. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Your kind and generous words keep my going! I will admit the last chapters have been heavy.. so I am gonna slow it down..just a bit. I hope you enjoy it and then review!**

**The story, the character and this world belong to Ms. Meyer...I am just playing..seriously..that is all!**

The Hunt Begins

Without thinking, I followed that trail. I inhaled deeply, committing that scent to my memory. It became ingrained in me, it was my driving force. I had found what I was searching for and there was no way I was going to fail. The scent was faint; if I had to guess it was close to a week old. But it was there. Occasionally I would stop to smell a tree or some leaves just to make sure I was still on the right path. Each time I was able to find her scent and it propelled me forward.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Alice's number. This was the first time I sought her out and I was a bit nervous. She answered before the first ring was done, "You're on her trail?"

"Yes, I just found it a few hours ago. I think it's close to a week old. I found it in British Columbia; I was on my way to Denali to speak to Laurent. I wonder what she was doing up here?" It was the first time I had ever voiced that question, though I had posed it to myself many times before. I wondered if she would see what I was really asking.

"I can't get a read on her, Edward. I did not pay much attention to her the last time and so I have no real connection to search for her decisions. When I look for you I just see you going after her. Maybe if you actually catch up to her, I may get a better sense of where she is going."

I had a feeling that would be her response, but I needed to ask. I had come to realize how much I missed her and leaned on her in times such as this. I wanted to apologize for my abysmal behavior when I last saw her, but the words would not come out. This apology would need to be done face to face. I owed that to her, to us. So instead I simply said, "Thanks. Tell everyone I said hello and will call when I can."

She was silent for a moment and I wondered if she had seen that I wanted to apologize and was going to say something. I shook my head, hoping she would see that and know that this was not the time. Instead she gave me some rather good news.

"You remember that little girl that we donated the money to?" How could I not? Those eyes were forever burned into my memory. They haunted and comforted me simultaneously.

"Yes. What about her?"

"She had her marrow transplant a few weeks ago. We have been following her website ever since we donated. It looks like she is doing well and is getting stronger. They will not know for a few more months if she will be cancer free, but she is doing better. I thought you would like to know."

A true smile spread across my face, the first in quite some time. I was pleased to hear that the little girl was able to get the proper medical care and treatments. I could only hope she would grow into a strong and beautiful young woman.

"Thanks, Alice. It was nice to know that. I really need to go. She is already days ahead of me and the trail is faint enough as it is, I don't want to lose it."

"Take care, Edward," she whispered softly before she discontinued the call. I wanted to puzzle over Alice's abrupt hang up, but Victoria was my most pressing concern. I stowed the phone away and continued to follow the scent.

Just outside Washington State I ran across what looked like an old feeding ground of hers. There were faint signs of blood on the ground, marks to make it look like an animal attack and ripped clothing. I quickly searched the area for a body but found none. A small feeling of helplessness crept over me. Knowing that Victoria was out there and hurting other people enraged me. For once my anger could be directed at someone other than myself and it felt good. I was no longer just protecting my love by hunting down Victoria. I was hoping to stop the slaughter of innocent people she feed upon. Guilt ate at me that their deaths would stain my hands. Their nameless faces would be added to the countless other lives I had a hand in taking.

Giving myself a mental shake, I continued on. The trail headed down a path that hovered between Washington and Idaho. The fact that she was so very close to my angel was maddening. The fact that I was so very close to her drove me crazy. For a few precious minutes I gazed towards Forks and tried to will my love to her. We were in the same state for the first time in months and every cell in my body screamed at me to run, run back to her. I closed my eyes at the indecision; the desire to just _see _her was overwhelming. My legs twitched uncontrollably with the need to run towards her. Instead I whispered my love and my promise to make this world safe for her.

As I continued to follow Victoria's trail and it lead further and further away from Forks, I felt my heart breaking all over again. I did not think it was possible, but the pain and loss that crashed over me told me otherwise. I staggered against a tree and it groaned under the force of my weight. Tearless sobs wracked my body and for once I didn't try to stop them. I needed to let some of this go if I wanted focus on finding and killing Victoria.

Minutes passed that felt more like hours when I found it in me to pull it together and regain my focus. I was still days behind Victoria and I needed to use all my time making up that distance, not dwelling on the pain. There would be plenty of time to do that once this was all taken care of. With a tremendous effort, I pushed it all aside and concentrated on the task at hand.

With a renewed effort and determination, I forged ahead. The scent went from Washington to Oregon. Several times her trail double backed. It was almost as if she thought someone was following her and it was her way of checking. She even laid false trails which, a few times, I followed. They went nowhere and I had to double back. Victoria was crafty and resourceful. She was not to be undermined.

I followed the trail from Oregon to Idaho with nothing happening. The trail was getting stronger which gave me the hope that I was gaining on her. As I got closer to Utah the trail got significantly stronger. I had been running non-stop for over four days. When prey crossed the path I was on I fed, otherwise I stayed on her trail. In Utah, she seemed to have been everywhere. There were concentrated areas that reeked of her. I briefly wondered if this is where she was from. I found places that would be suitable hiding areas during sunny days. She stayed mostly in the mountainous areas. At least for the most part she abides by the rules of staying inconspicuous. But my gut twisted when I also realized how it would make feeding easier for her.

I reached northern Utah as the sun was setting and it allowed me to continue to cover much ground. Several areas I found appeared to be newer traces of her. I was excited to find her and end this madness once and for all. During one of my many sweeps of the areas I found a small little cave and from the smell of it, at least two vampires were inside. I reached out with my mind to gauge what they were up to.

Their minds were full of their most recent feeds and how one kill was pleasing to them. The obvious joy in their thoughts sickened me. Feelings of shame that I had, at one time, relished the kill just as much flooded my body.

"Did you see how she tried to fight? I love it when they have some spunk in them."

In his mind I saw a young woman, walking towards her car. She was wearing a uniform of some sort and looked tired. He replayed him coming up behind her and her attempts to push and hit and even kick him. The maniacal laugh he gave her finally froze her in fear. I blocked out the rest of his thoughts. The other was more subdued; he had found two young men and dispatched them quickly.

I was able to take my leave, when a brief memory flashed through one of their minds. It was the hair that made me pause, it was red, and it appeared he knew of Victoria. Instantly I concluded I needed to engage these men and fish for whatever information they may have, it was imperative. I ran through several likely scenarios that would illicit the most information with minimal amount of time on my part. From the thoughts of the two vampires, they did not hold Victoria in high regard. Maybe that was my way in.

I alerted them to my presence by stepping on a twig. They ghosted out of the cave in an instant. They both had the appearance of nomads. Hiker clothing that was showing the wear and tear, air untidy and unkempt. One was taller than the other. The taller one had dark hair, almost black, while the other one had a short crop of blond hair. The taller one stepped forward. His thoughts were the most hostile and suspicious.

"This is our area, what are you doing here?" His blood red eyes narrowed as he looked me over. He took note of my rather clean clothes and youthful appearance.

I relaxed my stance to show that I was not going to become aggressive and kept my tone impassive.

"Looking for someone, I followed her scent here. Maybe you have seen her? Tall, wild red hair, goes by the name of Victoria…" I let my words trail off. I prayed he would take the bait.

The other one was not able to school his facial expression when I mentioned Victoria. A low growl rumbled deep in his chest. The taller one held up a hand to silence him.

"I may know who you're talking about. Why do you want to see her?" His air of superiority was getting on my nerves. I decided I needed to get right to it.

"Because she has something of mine and I want it back." My words were laced with venom. "I have been following after her and she knows it and she is playing games with me. I am tired of it."

Their thoughts were excited by my lies. They had been duped by her and were ready to see her get taken down a notch or two. I was sure they would not mourn her when I killed her. Blondie was especially excited by the idea of me tracking Victoria down. His thoughts were filled with their recent tryst and it did not end well. Seems Victoria is a love 'em and leave 'em kind of vampire. He still harbors a bit of anger because of it.

Seeing as Blondie was less careful with his thoughts, I knew the best way to glean truthful information would be to phrase my questions and responses with caution. His friend was not as forth coming and his thoughts were just as guarded.

"What did she take your lettermen's jacket?" They both laughed at their obvious but stupid joke at my youthful appearance. This was one of those times when I cursed being forever seventeen, made it hard to be taken seriously by other vampires.

My eyes narrowed in anger and my voice was filled with all the contempt I felt towards Victoria, "No. She took my money. I won it fair and square but she decided it was hers. I don't take kindly to people stealing my money." I was thinking on my feet. I knew from past nomadic experiences that money means a lot to solitary vampires. They mostly get it off their victims and they usually have little time or patience in invest it.

Again, my words found purchase with the blond guy. Memories of them losing a significant amount of money to her played out. This time the other one was unable to compose his expression. He also replayed the same memories his friend had. This was the source of his anger towards Victoria. I had found their Achilles heel.

"I told her that I would stop at nothing to get my money back and when I did, she would regret it. She's been running from me ever since. The longer this goes on, the more annoyed I am getting with her." I let the feeling of malice and the threat of violence permeate the air. There would be no mistaking what I would do once she was within my grasp.

"Do you really think you could take her down?" Blondie was unable to stay silent anymore. He desired Victoria to suffer and was more than willing to let me do all the dirty work. I felt the same; I was more than ok with doing the work. Now I needed them to point me in the right direction. However, their constant beating around the bush was getting old.

"Does it matter to you? All I want to know is if you have seen her or if you know where she went. The rest is between me and her." The irritation in my voice was not faked. I had wasted enough time trying to play the game, all I really wanted was to get back on her trail. I had made up an incredible amount of time and distance and was unwilling to relinquish it.

The dark haired one was growing irritated at my tone; he felt disrespected by me. I almost laughed when felt a 'newbie' vampire should be more respectful to one over fifty years old. If he only knew I was the elder one and one that was twice his age. I made my face one of indifference as I continued,

"Well, obviously you have no useful information, and I am bored with talking to you both." With that said I slung my bag over my shoulder and made a movement to leave when Blondie spoke.

"Colorado, she said she was headed to Colorado."

I did not turn around, but I did pause in taking another step forward and cocked my head to the side.

"Hmm…I guess that is a bit helpful. Should I even bother to ask if you know _where _in Colorado she was headed?" Sarcasm and skepticism laced my words. The implied thought was there, I did not think they knew any useful information.

"Colorado Springs," stated the dark haired one the same time Blondie thought, _Denver_. I knew Blondie was being more truthful. I nodded my head as a way of thanks and in a flash I left the area. Colorado here I come. As I left the area, Blondie's thoughts again were very useful, _I hope he finds her; she only left less than two days ago. _I wanted to shout my excitement in knowing I was only hours behind instead of days.

Ever the perfectionist and wanting to cover all my bases, I ran the entire length of the Utah and Colorado border. I did not want to miss a single trail of Victoria. Just as I suspected, a trail that would put me closer to Denver was the freshest and strongest trail. The one a bit further south and could lead to Colorado Springs was faint and older. I followed the more recent trail toward Denver.

I ran faster than I ever had. Determination and a focus I did not know I was capable of drove me. My need to do to do something, to protect my love and kept her safe was paramount. But even more intense was the need to eliminate Victoria. She was the last tie to James, the last reminder of that awful incident last spring. If I could just erase the final reminder, the world and my angel would be safer. Although Victoria did not harm Bella, she was an accomplice to James' twisted and sadistic games. She was his wing man and assistant and for that she needed to die.

I made it into Denver in a matter of hours. Like previous trails I followed, Victoria left several false ones and double backed on herself many times. She must have a talent or an innate sense of self-preservation and I speculated on it for much of my run. Once in Denver, I needed to be much more strategic in my searching. True to her form, Victoria stayed to the out skirts of the city and I ran a lone parallel to hers.

Denver was a bustling town; there are railways and planes, a heavy amount of car traffic and a steady stream of hikers coming in and out of the city. While it provided us both with anonymity, it also provided too many avenues for her escape. I needed to peg her down, find the connection or the reason for her to be here. Luckily for me, it was still dark and I was able to cover massive amounts of area.

After searching for a few hours, I found a rather potent trail that was even fresher than the one that led me to Colorado. It must have been a route she travels frequently. Hope and excitement flared in my body. They were unfamiliar emotions and I struggled to contain them. They were dangerous and alluring. I wanted to give into the idea that I could have this all finished in a matter hours, a day or two at the most. But the darker side of me knew better. This was not over until Victoria's body was a pile of smoldering ash.

I followed the fresher trail as it meandered in and out of Denver and skirting the edges of some of the closer suburbs. In vain I tried to see if there was a method to her madness, a strange pattern to give me a clue as to why she moves in crazy circles and double back the way she did. The longer it took for me to find a reasonable answer the more frustrated I got. But I still pushed myself to my upmost limits, moving as fast as I could and then some.

On my way back to Denver after following a trail outside the city I noticed a fresher trail that reeked of her. That alone did not surprise me, what did was that it crossed mine and it wasn't that long ago. Suddenly two things became very clear to me. First, Victoria was close and I was gaining on her and second, she knew I was after her. Although our scents were mingled, it was easy to see that her scent overlapped mine. I had lost my element of surprise.

I took off after the most recent trail still trying to process what exactly it meant that she knew it is me who is after her. My suspicion was that it just made my job much more difficult. Even more frustrating than that was the knowledge that I could change nothing. I knew of no other strategy that would allow me to combat this change in circumstances. Now, if I had Jasper with me, I am sure it would have been no big deal. But I was a novice at this and tracking was not my forte. With heavy reluctance, there was nothing I could do but to continue to follow the scent as it wound through the scenic nature surrounding Denver. I hunted small game to keep me energized and strong. In the early morning hours of a cloudy day my luck continued.

Victoria had headed into a heavily industrialized part of Denver. Even at this early hour, there was a large grouping of people already hard at work. The factories had people streaming in and out. Warehouses had trucks coming in a constant flow. It was busy and a perfect place for Victoria to feed. I reached out with my mind looking for anything that may indicate Victoria had been seen.

With my tattered hiking clothes, I could easily fit in with constant influx of people milling around the area. I wandered aimlessly, always keeping Victoria's scent trail close at hand. My eyes scanned the work yards for a brilliant shock of red hair and my mind scanned the thoughts of everyone I could sense. The constant stream of thoughts was loud and almost deafening. It had been too long since I was exposed to this many voices and thoughts.

On my second sweep of the area before I followed the trail again, I caught a glimpse of red hair in someone's thoughts. I spotted the man and I walked faster towards him as he was busy telling his buddies about her.

"Man, you should have seen her! She was curvy in all the right places and she looked ready for a good time." His buddies laughed and made crude jokes. As much as I hated the tone of their conversation, I had to continue to listen in and gather as much information as possible. From the memories floating in his head, he ran into Victoria in the night. He was out on a smoke break when he saw her. He had called out to her, but she just turned and smiled. She made a move towards him and he had barely registered the hue in her eyes when other people spilled out of the door he was standing by. Seeing all the people, Victoria had sped away.

I made my way over to where he had last seen her and I found her trail once more. I looked at my surrounding and notice that a high bluff overlooked the area I was in. I needed to gain a better vantage in which to spot her and the bluff was my perfect chance. If I could stay above her and follow her that way, it may take her longer to realize how close I was. I had no doubt that once I got close to her, she would take off and the real pursuit would commence.

I followed her scent as it wove into the forest that touched the edges of the industrialized area. It was a perfect place for her to wait for a person, or in her case a meal, to wonder just far enough that she could feed. The idea sickened me. Now I needed to figure out where I should place myself. Although I would like to keep her from feeding, I knew that my primary goal was her. I glanced once more at the bluffs surrounding the area and knew they were my best option.

Once in the forest I hastily made my way towards the bluffs. I knew it was my only chance to get ahead of Victoria; I was tired of playing catch up with her. The bluffs were densely populated with shrubs and thick vegetation. There were small groupings of trees and I scaled one to improve my vantage point.

Once I found a sturdy branch to support me, I looked out over the bluff. With my enhanced vision, I was able to see for several miles over the forest and over the factories and warehouses. I was even able to discern even more details from the forest. I saw large animals as they grazed or ran. I saw factory workers as they went just inside the fringe of the forest to relieve themselves. What I was most looking for was the color red. Something that would stand out easily among the sea of green and brown that was before me.

I was not aware of how much time had elapsed since I started to watch for Victoria. My focus and concentration was on her and it matter little to me how much time I had to spend here before I found her. Like my search of the states, I swept the forest in a methodical and precise pattern, unwilling to let just one piece of the forest go unsearched or monitored.

It was just before sunset when I spotted something fiery red. It blew in the breeze and when I really focused my attention, I could make out curly hair. It was Victoria. I had found her at last. Excitement and jubilation raced through my veins. The anticipation of the fight was layered in the venom that flooded my mouth. My muscles tightened with the expectation of a fight. But before any of that could happen, I needed to get closer. She looked to be about three-quarters of a mile away from me. I needed to come at her downwind so my scent did not alert her to my presence.

Scanning the banks of the bluff, I noticed a line of trees that went in the direction I needed to go. It was perfect. It allowed me to stay downwind and keep a higher vantage point to keep tabs on her whereabouts. For the mean time, she did not appear to be moving. Her gaze was focused in the direction of the warehouses.

Swiftly I went from tree to tree, always keeping her in my line of sight. A few times I needed to leave my perch up high and run for the nearest grouping of trees. Her attention never left the workers coming and going from the warehouses. It couldn't have been more perfect.

The joy at knowing I was finally going to put an end to Victoria was all consuming. For over two months this had been my sole purpose and to see it coming to an end, it was bittersweet. I knew once this was completed, I would be faced with an endless amount of time alone. I did not relish in that, in fact it frightened me. I had yet to fare well in being alone. Shaking myself back to the task at hand, I looked again to make sure Victoria had not moved.

I was less than a quarter mile from her and I could see the wicked gleam in her eyes. She was looking for an easy target in the workers below her. Her hair was wild and full of the forest she has been hiding in and her clothes were well worn and ripped. She looked every part the nomad that she was. She stayed in a perpetual crouch, ready to spring and fight if need be. Quietly I continued to watch as I planned where to go next. The winds were starting to become variable and it was possible she would smell me soon. I needed to determine the best possible way to ambush her and take her down.

I had just leapt from one tree to another when her head whipped in my direction. Her eyes narrowed into angry slits and her lips curled back in a snarl. I could see her body shake with tremors as she scanned the immediate area. I fixed my mind on trying to hear her thoughts. I have never heard her speak and so I was having trouble locating them in the noise surrounding me. As I got closer, I could vaguely pick out the tenor of her thoughts which were nothing too specific, but it was her body language that spoke volumes. Part of her wanted to engage me and end this game of cat and mouse, but she was also occupied with finding a way out.

Like a lightning bolt she gave into her urge to flee and I followed right behind her. She flitted from tree to tree with a grace and sure footed ability. The speed in which she ran had me stunned. It was like she found the best route possible for escape. My inability to hear her decisions hindered me in that I could not anticipate her moves, merely react to them. I gained no ground on her and in fact it appeared she was widening the distance between us.

In the distance I could make out a rail yard and Victoria was headed in the direction. I kept her in front of me and pushed myself to my limits. My desire to get my hands on her drove me to be relentless. I needed to end this.

So focused on just keeping her in my line of sight I failed to see what her destination was and use that to my advantage. Not until it was too late. The rail yard was full of trains, most of them were stationary. There were workers scurrying around, hooking up cars and fixing axels and changing tracks. It was busy and chaotic and it was right where she was headed. She angled her path to intersect the rail yard, but she was headed straight towards the largest concentration of people. I paused for a fraction of a second, confused by where she was headed and I worried about exposure.

The moment of hesitation was all she needed. Just then a train going full speed raced by and I heard her intentions the second before she jumped the train in a single bound. From my vantage point I could not see over the train. I knew I needed to jump as well. My worry about exposure was minimal compared with my need keep on Victoria's trail. A quick scan of thoughts showed that no one perceived her jump and I made mine.

I landed on the train hoping to spot her and immediately noticed how her scent followed the path of the train. She had to be on one of the cars. She was clever. I swung down so I was on the side of the train car and the scent was stronger. For a brief second I closed my eyes trying to locate her with her thoughts, but I was coming up empty. Frustration like I had never felt before clouded my mind. As I hurriedly made my way from car to car, looking between them to see if she was holding on, I pondered why I could not hear her. I was hoping that it was my lack of familiarity with her and her actual voice, but I knew that was not always the case. Even now I could hear the faint mind of the engineer as he manned the controls of the train. I decided to abandon my attempt to hear her and keep moving forward.

The closer and closer I got to the front, the stronger Victoria's scent became. I kept my movements as silent as possible. I was less than five cars away from the front and the smell was overwhelming. On my jump to the next rail car, I spotted it. Words that I rarely thought much less said out loud poured out of my mouth. There in between the rail cars was Victoria's shirt. That was the source of the scent.

In one movement I ripped the shirt off the rail car and leapt down. I pounded the ground in frustration as a screamed ripped from my chest. I wanted to rage and cry and give up all at once. How could I have let her go? I tore her shirt into shreds; it took the place of the owner. I kept a scrap for me to heighten my sensitivity to her scent.

My mind scrambled to determine where she went. She must have landed on the train and stayed on long enough to place her shirt as a decoy. Then she jumped off and went in another direction. I had lost time and miles to her cleverness or was it my stupidity. I did not care which one it was, the fact remained that once again I was a failure.

**A/N: So.. we have had a confrontation with Victoria! Please leave me some love... some Easter goodies in my email basket.. PLEASE! As always: I respond to all reviews and even give ya a nugget of what is to come! THANKS FOR READING.. now click that button!**


	19. Ch18 Crimes and Punishments

**A/N: Hello! Here is a treat for you all- another chapter! I think it is nice and polished and I hope you enjoy it! HUGE props go to my beta- PisceanPal23 for surviving finals and kicking butt on this chapter! You rock chica- thanks! To all my readers- I 'heart' you!**

**I must say that Twilight does not belong to me, sadly. But I do have 2 black cats...**

Crimes and Punishments

The offending scrap of shirt was clutched tightly in my hands. My eyes moved widely over the vast area laid before me. I knew I had to backtrack in order to pick up the scent, but I was paralyzed. Fear like I had never known was running rampant in my veins. Fear that I would never find Victoria, fear that I would once again prove how unworthy I was of _her_ love, and fear that I could never keep _her_ safe. The train clacked noisily behind me adding to the din of other noises scrambling around in my brain.

Somehow the impulse to move made my feet shuffle forward; it was more of a lurch, but it was movement. The sudden realization hit that if I did not keep moving I would never find the desire to keep moving on. The waves of failure and regret lapped at me, their whispered words and taunts flooded my brain. They were all too eager to begin the replay of my failings. The last time that happened I lost two days. I could not bear to lose that much time again. Not when she had been so close to me.

With a shake of my head, I added speed to my movements and I found myself back where I saw her jump the train. Mentally I calculated the time it would take for her put the shirt on the train and then leap, while taking into consideration the speed of the train. Those estimations gave me a rough idea of my search area. I took in the surroundings that I ignored before.

The rail ran horizontal to a gulley which was overgrown with vegetation and trees. I took one last sniff of the scrap shirt and shoved it deep in my pocket. I made sure that it did not occupy the same space as her note. There was no way on this Earth that anything that my love touched would be touching anything that belonged to Victoria. I would try my damnedest to make sure that was true in real life as well. With her scent fresh in my nose, I leapt into the gulley to look for her trail.

I found it after thirty minutes of searching. She was careful to stay as high in the trees as she could before she touched the ground and she was headed in the opposite direction of the train. I sped as fast as I could, desperation my only fuel. I could not fail at this. I shuddered to think what would happen if I did. My fragile spirit was unable to process anymore pain, heartache or disappointment.

I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could. I wanted to be no more than a day behind her; I really wanted to gain ground on her. She must have been feeling quite superior after the train rouse because she never once laid a false trail that I had to double back on. Maybe it was because she knew I was after her or maybe she was feeling confident she would not be caught. Whatever the reason, I took full advantage of being able to just run her trail.

The minutes turned into hours and the miles flew under my feet. I tried my best to keep my mind focused on the singular task of hunting Victoria, but my brain was capable of pondering much more than that. Problem was I did not want to ponder anything. I knew what I would seek out, what I would pull out of the depths of my memories and I could not afford the luxury of it.

I promised myself that when this was all said and done, then I could be all alone with the memories of her. Then I could replay each and every one of them from start to finish and then back again. I could revisit every touch, every word, ever whisper like caress we shared. I could hear the words we spoke to each other and to our hearts. But not before; there was no way I could cope with them now. Even now the knowledge that they were so readily available for replay was painful and haunting.

So I recited things just to keep busy in my brain; bones in the body, translated documents into Latin, recited cars and their features. Anything and everything I could think of just to keep from thinking of her. It was useless and fruitless, but I had to try. I knew that everything I did was for her, because of her, in honor of her. Every sight and sound I could connect to her, it was like a weird version of six degrees of separation. How many steps would it take me to bring everything back to her? I was good at that game.

A few hours later and I found myself outside Springfield and I was the lucky recipient of a gift from Victoria. There on her trail was her latest feeding; the body was barely cold. She was taunting me again. She knew the risks of leaving her kills so obviously displayed. There was no hiding the wounds to make it look like an animal attack or even some freak accident. No, she left the man with his neck exposed and a blatant bite mark for all to see. Disgust rose from the pit of my stomach and I wanted to heave. Her callousness for the rules was just another ploy to get to me. It was all mind tricks.

Without reservation I found the nearest tree, cleanly uprooted it and disposed of the body. There was nothing else for me to do. A part of me grieved for the man and any family he may have had. That they will feel not only his loss, but that they will have no closure. They would never know for sure how he spent his last few seconds of life. For humans, that knowledge can go a long way in the grieving process.

I watched over the years how Carlisle strove to comfort the families left behind when loved ones passed on. He would patiently answer their questions about the last few minutes of the deceased. They asked questions about their pain or comfort, whether they were aware of what was happening and if they suffered. Humans found solace in the answers; they found something they could reconcile.

I once asked Carlisle if he felt disconnected from death, seeing how it surrounded him on a daily basis. He surprised me with his answer. "No, I embrace it, Edward. I may never experience it for myself. I may never have to deal with members of this family dying. So I immerse myself in it. I take in each tear, each cry of denial. I have watched as strong men break down as their child died or amazed at the quiet strength as a husband holds his wife's hands in her final moments. It reminds me of my humanity and what it means to be human."

Seeing the carnage that Victoria left behind, I wondered whether she has held onto any part of her humanity.

The sun was filling the skies with muted oranges and yellows as it rose over the horizon. The scattered heavy clouds allowed for me to continue my pursuit of Victoria without the fear of detection from humans. Her trail crossed over into Kansas by mid afternoon and I found that she was headed into more heavily populated areas. I did not think she was looking for another meal, instead I suspected she was making plans to get me off her trail.

She tried hard to shake me. All over the city her scent permeated. I followed her over buildings, through the city streets and into neighboring towns. We went all over southern Kansas with several loops into parts of Oklahoma. There was no rhyme or reason to her running. We were lucky that our days were cloudy and therefore no need for either of us to take shelter.

My biggest concern was that she was sticking fairly close to the cities, which was a prime location for her hunting, but it did little to help me. She knew this, of that I had no doubt. It had been over two weeks since I had hunted to complete satiation. Since then it has been short and sweet hunting, taking an animal if it crossed my path. If I took time to hunt I feared I may lose her for good.

A day later she was making another loop back into Kansas and it was the closest we had been to any wooded area. I took a chance to find something quick. I could wait no longer, I was unsure when I would be this close to my source of food again. I was at Victoria's mercy and it did not sit easy with me. I lucked out as I entered the woods where I found a few foxes and a coyote. They tasted horrible, but the persistent burn and ache was subdued. It would have to do for now.

I headed back to her trail and the hunt resumed. I hated to admit to myself, but I was getting more and more frustrated as time wore on. Doubts crept in that left me feeling I would never get close enough to kill her. The looming threat of failure was heavy in my heart and on my spirit. This just allowed the pain and misery I had been able to keep at bay up to now to creep closer and closer to the surface. I knew that if I allowed that to happen, I would curl up where I stood and never be able to function.

_Keep her safe. Keep her safe. _This was the mantra I had taken to reciting over and over. I needed to remind myself, in a safe way, why I was doing this. It was all for her, it was the least I could do. I owed it to her and not just because I love her. No, I was trying to make up for the horrible web of lies and deceit I spun when I left. It was all part of that karmic debt I was trying to erase. But if I was completely truthful with myself, I did not know if I could be absolved of those lies. They were too heinous and cruel for them to be washed away by actions on my part. No, the absolution of those lies could only come from her and that would never happen.

A spasm of sadness ripped through me at that thought and it brought me up short, made me stumble and I caught myself before I fell down. This was the first time that I had thought of that night and the words that I spoke. It was also the first time I realized that there would never be a chance to take them back, to say how sorry I was and beg -no grovel- for forgiveness. Once again I found myself wishing for the ability to weep at that knowledge.

I closed my eyes against the pain, willing it back into deepest pits of my brain and body. I could ill afford a breakdown at this point in time. A scream rent through the night and it broke me from my defeating ponderings. I opened my eyes to scan my immediate area looking for the danger or the reason behind the scream.

I found nothing and I cautiously began to move once more. A few steps later and another scream, more terrifying then the last, broke the silence of the night. It was coming from a distance in front of me. I perused the thoughts in the area looking for the source of the cries of pain. It took a minute or two, but when I was able to figure it out, I stopped dead in my tracks. Playing out in my mind was Victoria and she was in mid-feed and it was turning more and more into torture. I watched in horror as she broke the poor guys arm. I could hear the sickening crunch through his thoughts and seconds later another cry echoed in the air.

I was torn. Part of me wanted to rush to save this poor creature that did not deserve to suffer. But the other part thought this may be my only chance to sneak up on her and end this. I knew my father would try to save the man, even at the risk of letting Victoria slip away. My reasoning was he was already doomed to die. I could see the numerous bites she has already inflicted, leave him that way and he was bound to a damned existence or if I took mercy and killed him quickly he was still dead. Neither option was pleasant or more preferable in my eyes. The monster in me made a weak attempt at begging to join the mayhem. I batted him away and step up my pace.

I watched her and became sickened at the delight she took in playing with the man. The relish she took in every whimper and shriek was evident in the gleam in her eyes. I was less than three blocks away and when I turned the corner up head, I would be in her direct line of sight. I planned on running full tilt at her in the hopes of catching her unaware.

I took an unnecessary breath to calm the anxiety flying through my veins. My muscles coiled in preparation for a chase and a fight. I could smell the blood that was freely dripping from the many bites she had inflicted on him. My throat burned and venom flowed with the sweetness of the blood in the air. My lack of properly hunting was making this harder than it should be for me. But I be damned if I was going to let Victoria ruin eighty years of sacrifice in a moment such as this.

In a flash I was around the corner and barreling down the street. She looked up at my approach and let loose a wicked smile before she broke the guys neck and took off the down the street. I was not that far behind her and when I reached the street she darted down I could not see her. I kept running but after a few blocks I lost her scent.

I retraced my steps to where I saw her turn and flee and found where her scent suddenly disappeared. There was no obvious scent trail that led in any direction, it was like she vanished. Carefully and methodically I searched the area, smelling every surface I could. It took a few minutes, but I was able to find her trail as it went vertical. She had scaled a small building shortly from where she held the man captive. In a few bounds I was atop the building and back onto her trail as it leapt from rooftop to rooftop. She continued on this way for several miles before it lead back to the street level.

I wanted to scream my outrage at losing her yet again. I punched a wall in frustration and watched as a crack spider-webbed it way up the side. I mentally berated myself for my minutes of indecision. The man was collateral damage and I should have realized that straight away. There was no other outcome for him other than death and I let myself consider other options even when I knew there were none.

With a renewed focus and determination I continued on my way. I propelled myself faster and harder; I needed to end this. I was sick of her games and torment. There was a reason I was the fastest in my family and I was going to show her she would not escape me for much longer.

Hours after my failed confrontation her scent led me to Texas. The dawn was fast approaching and I was nowhere near a town. I followed her trail as far as I could before the first rays of the sun broke over the horizon. I spotted a few acres of trees and made a mad dash there to wait for cloud cover or the setting sun. While I waited, I pulled out my phone and using the GPS attempted to discover where I was. According to the map that was displayed I was between Dumas and Stinnett, Texas, near Lake Meredith. The nearest biggest city was Amarillo. According to the weather report that I pulled up, this area was looking at mostly sunny skies. I uttered a few choice swear words and threw my head back in frustration. Once again I cursed what I was and the cruelty of it all.

Seeing as I would be stuck in the shadows for several hours, I decided to search the wooded areas for hunting possibilities. I got lucky with a deer and two adult coyotes, I finally felt full for the first time in weeks. I sank down deep in the woods and curled around a tree to wait out the sun. With hours to fill stretched before me, I felt at a loss. What do I do to pass the time? I remembered Alice's words from earlier regarding the little girl, Ellie. I used my phone to check her Caring Bridge site to read the updates on her progress and prognosis.

Her bone marrow transplant went well; she is responding well to treatments and is in better spirits. The adoption was finalized just a few days earlier and the family could not be happier. I clicked on several of the pictures they took the day of the adoption and Ellie looked much better. Her hair was just starting to grow back in and the gauntness in her face and eyes was fading. Even in the pictures I could see the light in her eyes. It was mesmerizing. There was still a link on the site to donate to the medical fund and this time I used my own money. I knew that Carlisle used the family funds the last time, but this time I wanted it to come from me personally. After the fund transfer was completed I posted an anonymous message on her site:

_Glad to hear of your amazing progress, many wishes that you will grow into a wonderful and beautiful girl. Take care of the light in your eyes._

It seemed awfully simplistic, but every word was true.

I contemplated calling my family, but I did not know what to say. I haven't really talked to anyone since I left. A few short calls to Alice and a couple simple emails and text messages didn't really count. But what would I say? I had much to atone for and it could not be done in a call. Although I was sure Emmett had long since forgiven me for my horrendous behavior the day I left, I needed to apologize in person. I needed him to hear how much I regretted my actions and that I meant no harm. But there was more than just Emmett I let down. There was Alice and my awful treatment of her and the harsh and untrue words that I had spoken. There was Esme and the awful lies I spoke to her. Then there was Carlisle; once again I let him down. I was a miserable excuse for a son. I could not see a way for me to repair all the damage I had caused. There was just too much.

The anxiety and guilt streaking through my veins had me pacing. I could not sit here and wallow. There was no time for that. Once the sun set I needed to be in the proper mental state to get back to finding Victoria. I ran the entire wooded area a few times but it was not enough to take the edge off the tension I felt. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration and dread. I hated having all this extra time on my hands.

A glance at the sky told me that sunset would be in less than two hours. I desperately wanted to pull out a few memories of my angel, just to spend time with her. I knew it was dangerous, but like I stated, I was desperate. I pulled out her note and stared at it through the plastic bag. Instantly I was placed back to the same day I got the letter. Emmett teased me endlessly, saying my face got all lovey-dovey. Jasper just sat and soaked up all the good emotions.

_It's been too long since I felt this good. Thanks, Edward._

I nodded back to him and smiled. Emmett tried to take advantage of the small lapse in my concentration, but I heard his intentions seconds before he tried to jump on me. We ended up wrestling for a good forty-five minutes.

Later when I was back in the house I placed the note on my desk. My angel saw it the next day.

"Thank you so much for the wonderful note. It was very touching." My fingers once again traced the writing as she watched me. Her arms snaked around as she came up behind me.

"I just wanted to leave a piece of me with you while you were gone." The kiss we shared was tender and loving. I had never felt closer to her than I did on that day.

Although that memory was short and sweet, it was enough to cause the grief and pain to overwhelm me. Once again, my body was wracked by tearless sobs and I wrapped myself up tight. For the first time since I left I wondered if I did the right thing. Sophia's story was bouncing around in the back of my brain and doubts were leaking in all over the place. The crushing urge to go back to her consumed me and for a fraction of a second I gave credence to the notion.

"No, no, no," I chanted, rocking slowly back and forth. "I left her to protect her, too keep her human. " Over and over that became my mantra. I banished all thoughts of my love and struggled to function through the pain. The sun had set during my little pain fest and it was time to get moving. Victoria would not be wallowing in misery, so I couldn't allow mine to control me. Shakily I stood up; I took deep breaths just to clear my mind as best as I could. I placed the note in my one pocket and took the shred of shirt from the other. I inhaled deeply, letting the scent fill me. It brought clarity and focus back to me as I let the hunt for Victoria consume me once again.

Over the next few days I tracked Victoria all over Texas: Lubbock, Wichita Falls and Abilene. In each major city she fed and she let me find the bodies. Each was more hideously mutilated than the last. My stomach lurched when I would see how she carelessly left each body, not caring if a human would accidently discover them. Each time I would make it look like a struggle had taken place and left an anonymous call to the police. I wanted the victims' families to have some closure.

After each call I would find my anger and frustration at my inability to stop her to rise higher and higher. I would swear that, at times, I could see their bloodstains on my hands and it chilled me. Although I knew, rationally, I was not to blame for Victoria's choice to feed off humans; I did feel as if there was no need for the senseless violence she displayed. Deep down I knew it was all directed at me. She may not have known the extent in which it bothered me, but she knew it would get to me on some level. Each time I came across another of her victims, it only propelled me further. It gave intensity to my searching that I did not know I possessed. I felt an urgency to stop and destroy Victoria once and for all.

Maybe it was because I was so hyper-aware and concentrating so hard on following her trail that I did realize where I was or what I was stepping into. Her trail was heavily concentrated just outside the Dallas-Fort Worth area. She had been back and forth this way many times. Her scent was thick. That made it even more difficult to find the freshest trail. So I was resuming a grid like search, in the hopes of finding a trace of her. I opened my mind, in the desperate hope that I would see her through someone's thoughts. But in a heavily populated area such as this, it was difficult to sift through the vast number of voices in my head. I was not used to such noise and found it increasingly hard to focus. Periodically I would have to block out the noise just to be able to think clearly.

It was one of those times when I was blocking as I was searching a suburb of Dallas that I ran into trouble. I was concentrating on a trail I thought was newer when a voice broke through the silence of the night.

"Who are you and what in the hell are you doing in my territory?"

My eyes snapped open to find a rather large vampire standing in front of me. He was my same height but built similar to Emmett. He had multiple scars criss-crossing his bare arms and I spotted several on his neck. His eyes were bright crimson indicating he had recently fed, and well at that. He looked to be in his early twenties when he was changed, but I was unable to determine how long he had been a vampire. His thoughts were a snarled mess of anger and suspicion.

_This little punk vamp boy thinks he can come in here and claim some of my coven's territory? He's gonna have to go through me. _He let go a soft chuckle at that thought. He knew there were others that would defend the area if I was lucky enough to get past him.

Knowing what I did of Jasper's history, I knew I was on dangerous ground. The southern vampires were fiercely protective of their feeding grounds and were loathe in sharing them with others. Even though the creating of newborn armies was forbidden, it still happens, just on a much smaller and less noticeable scale. This one before me was a guard. He patrolled the outer area, looking for any sign of a threat to their territory.

All this processed in my mind under two seconds, and I quickly answered him.

"My name is Edward and I was just passing through. I am trying to locate someone and I followed her scent here." I wanted to let him know right off the bat I did not want to steal his territory, plus I was hoping he may have spotted Victoria as she passed through. I kept my hands loose and by my sides, my posture was not crouched defensively and my voice was soft. I did not want to give him any indication that I would become hostile.

"Just passing through, huh?" I watched as his eyes roamed over my clothes which were incredibly cleaner that his own. He noticed the bag slung over my shoulder and lastly he settled on my eyes.

_Wonder what is with the freaky eyes? _"What's with the eyes? Who are ya looking for?"

"My eyes are this color because I only feed on animals. I am looking for a red-headed female, answers to the name Victoria." I would offer him as little information as possible. I just wanted to get out of this situation and back on her trail.

"On animals? That's disgusting." His thoughts were much more colorful and just as negative. I fought to keep my emotions in check. It was proving difficult seeing as how they had yet to be controlled since the night I strolled down memory lane. My fingers twitched, wanting to curl into fists.

Ignoring his words and thoughts, I questioned him again on Victoria. "Have you seen her? Her trail leads right through here. I have part of her shirt, maybe you caught her scent." I motioned to my pocket in reference to her scent. As I was reaching for it he spoke.

"What do you want her for?" Just then I caught a fleeting glimpse of Victoria in his thoughts. He had seen her. Now I was even more impatient to get going. But first I needed every bit of information this guy had.

Unable to keep a hint of irritation out of my voice, I answered him. "It's between her and me, but if you need to know, she took something of mine. I don't like those who steal from me." His eyes tightened at the tone of my voice and I watched as his body started to slightly twitch. He was more used to being the aggressive one in any situation.

_Smug little punk. Think he can take that attitude with me? I ought to show him some manners. A missing limb would help. _

The direction of his thoughts was starting to grate on my nerves. There was no need for this to escalate, but he was bound and determined to regain the upper hand. I should proceed with caution, but like they say, the bet laid intentions…

"What are you gonna give me in exchange for information?" His muscles began to tense, his posture was leaning more towards aggression and his voice was low and menacing.

The words were out of my mouth before I even thought them, "Well, since I doubt you know anything useful, I'm not going to give you anything." My voice was just as low and deep as his. My hands were claws and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I don't think I like your tone. You have no clue where you are and the danger you are in. You are just a wet behind the ears baby vampire, and you're way over your head."

I couldn't help the snort that escaped. I found his words comical. I knew then that all pretense of civility had evaporated.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you to never judge a book by its cover?"

I knew my snipping question would goad him into action, but it would also make it easier for me to pick his brain. I'll never fully understand why I continued to bait him into fighting. Maybe it had been too long since I truly fought. Maybe it was because I needed an outlet for the raging emotions coursing through my body or maybe I just wanted to inflict a little pain. Whatever the reason, I failed to keep my mouth shut.

"I may look young, but you have no idea who you're messing with. So why don't you answer my question and I won't have to prove how wrong you are about me." I couldn't help the taunting smile that followed.

That must have been the last straw for he flew at me, screaming the whole time. It was easy to dodge his obvious charge, even if it wasn't telegraphed in his thoughts. As he flew by me, I gripped his arm tightly and threw him several hundred feet. He landed gracefully on his feet and charged again. I slid under him as he leapt and I landed a kick to his lower back which sent him sprawling.

"Told you looks could be deceiving. So why don't you just answer my question." I sprang up to face him and we both slinked into our crouches. His thoughts were jumbled, but I was able to gather that he talked to Victoria but nothing else.

I let him get closer enjoying the use of my power and muscles. It was exhilarating. "You got lucky. Let me show you how a real _man _fights." The sneer on his face and the obvious insinuation that I was not man were meant to intimidate me. All they really did was anger me even further. We crept closer and then he began to throw punches. I was able to doge the first few easily and I wanted to smile at that. The next few I blocked and was able to land a few punches with my own. The smile was getting closer and I knew it would piss him off.

His thoughts were getting less and less guarded and I was growing a bit weary of trying to throw the fight. I sensed that he had the information that I needed and nothing was going to stop me from getting it. I threw a few well placed punches and I simultaneously kicked his feet from under him. He landed on his back but sprung up just as quickly. We both continued to punch and kick, me landing more on him than he did on me.

His focus was so much on me and his next moves, I knew if I started to question him, his brain would be easy to pick. "You know, you could avoid the embarrassment of losing to a 'baby vampire' if you would just answer my question. Have you seen a red head named Victoria?"

I spun him around when he tried to punch my head and I landed a warning bite on his arm before I pushed him away. His thoughts when I said her name opened wide up. She had passed through here a few times and he talked to her each time she did. The knowledge alone made me end this fight for good.

"I ain't telling you anything!" His bravado in the face of possibly losing was ridiculous. Maybe it was time to let him in on my little secret.

I watched as he lumbered after me and tried to land another kick. I grabbed his leg and flipped him in the air. Like my fight with Emmett, I met him before he fell and was able to pluck him out of the air and throw him on the ground, face down and I twisted his arms behind his back and held down his lower body.

"You have already told me most of what I needed to know. You see, I can read your mind and that is how I know you will not win this fight. So tell me what you and she talked about and I may let you walk away from this, intact." I stressed the last word, letting him know I had no qualms about ripping him to shreds.

I could see the insult he was able to hurl at me. I pulled his arms tighter, "I would not piss me off if I were you and what you were thinking would certainly make me very angry. Tell me what you and Victoria talked about. I saw from your memories that you talked to her, several times. This is your last warning before I start ripping."

I should have learned by now to never underestimate the stupidity of people when they are faced with an impossible situation. He was actually thinking he could get free. I swallowed my laugh. Without warning I ripped his arm off and threw it a good five hundred feet. Luckily, that was enough of a reminder I was in control.

"She said someone was tailing her and she needed to get away. She said she was gonna head to Rio and she was gonna swim. She thought it would throw them off her trail." I could see he was telling the truth.

"See, now that wasn't too hard, was it?" I leaned closer to his next and I could hear his frantic thoughts as he was certain I was going to rip his head off. "Too bad you did not learn your lesson sooner; you would have had an easier time of piecing yourself back together."

With that I ripped both legs off and threw them in completely different directions and opposite of where his arm was. It would take him some time to crawl to his appendages and lick them back on.

In a flash I was headed towards the airport in Dallas and I was making reservations for the first available flight to Rio. I did not let myself think about the fact that she would get there before I would, or that I would have to find her scent once again. All I focused on was that I knew where she was headed and it was more than enough.

**A/N: We are headed to Rio next.. are you excited? I am! Please leave me a review..they really make my day and I could use a few smiles! If you want.. I have another story I started, check it out.. its a lighter story than Hidden Moon. Please... click and leave me a review- I give teasers to all that do!**


	20. Ch 19 A Hero Falls

**A/N: Hello Everyone! I have to say, you all surprised me with how much you liked the slightly violent Edward at the end. Poor Edward, he is coming unhinged. Thank you to my wonderful beta PisceanPal23 who rocks my world with her help! To all those thst reviewed...I am humbled. Thank you for your kind words and inspiration, it means a lot. I hope you enjoy the next chapter.**

**As always, I do not own Twilight, but I do own a dog- but dont tell him that!**

A Hero Falls

I stormed into the Dallas airport and skidded to a halt at the ticket counter. For some reason my phone would not make the purchase online and I was left to hope I could get on the next flight which the website told me was in forty five minutes.

"Welcome to Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, how may I be of service to you?" The bored attendant at the counter barely looked at me as she delivered her highly routine and boring lines.

"The first flight to Rio, please." I watched as her fingers flew over her keyboard.

"The next one is leaving in three hours. Would you like me to book you a seat?"

"I thought there was one leaving in forty five minutes." My exasperated tone finally made her look up. _My, my, he is a hottie. I would fly to Rio with him anytime. _The coy, but over-zealous smile made my stomach turn. However, if a little dazzling could get me on the flight leaving in mere minutes, I was not opposed to using her eagerness to good use.

Leaning in close, I whispered to her, "I really would like to be on the next flight if you could arrange it for me. I would be extremely grateful for your help." I exhaled slightly and gave her a timid smile. That always seemed to work on my love; she had accused me of doing this on purpose numerous times against her. I smiled even more at the memory.

Her eyes glazed over and her breathing turned ragged. Slowly she began to type the flight information in, yet I could already see what the answer would be; no seat available.

"I am sorry sir; there are no seats available on that flight. I can book you on the next one, First Class."

Without another word I gave her my card and within a few minutes I had my ticket in hand and I was clearing security. I entered into the First Class lounge and fell into the nearest chair. I was worried about the next few hours and how I was going to fill the time. Before I could think through the ramifications of my actions, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed.

"Edward, how are you?" The calm voice of my pixie of a sister was soothing beyond words. "It's nice to hear from you."

"Hey Alice." Suddenly, words escaped me. What did I want to say, or more importantly, what should I say to her?

"I'm in Dallas," I blurted out. "I tracked Victoria down here and got information that she's headed to Rio. That's where I'm going as well. My flight leaves in a few hours." The words erupted from me in a violent burst. I was sure that Alice was well aware of where I was, but I hated the idea of silence between us.

"How is everyone doing? What have you been up to?" Desperate longing for any news of my family left me stunned. I hated that I was away from them, but I hated the necessity of it all even more. I closed my eyes in silent resignation of my impossible dilemma.

I listen with rapt attention as Alice filled me on the comings and goings of my family. There were the classes that Carlisle was teaching and liking more than he thought, the historical house Esme was in the middle of renovating. I was a bit saddened to learn that Emmett and Rosalie were gone on another honeymoon. A small part of me wondered if they left because of me and the mess I left behind. However, I was unwilling to discover the true reasons for their departure from the family and Alice was kind enough to keep it from me. Lastly she talked about the philosophy classes Jasper was taking and how much he enjoyed them. I knew most of this information from a conversation I had with Esme a few months ago, but I did not care. It also didn't escape my attention that she did not mention what she had been up to.

"What about you little sis, what trouble have you been causing?" I tried to interject humor into my voice, but it felt off. There has been nothing funny about my life the last few months so I was hard pressed to be in a laughing mood.

The silence on the other end was deafening. I knew that I left things in an awful way between us and I knew that I would have to work hard to gain her trust and affection back, but I was hoping that she would throw me a life line. I have no doubt she knew what an emotional mess I had been from time to time. All I wanted to hear was that she was ok. Was that too much to ask?

A soft sigh escaped before she finally spoke, "I have been researching my past and found out quite a lot." Her voice was soft and sad which meant the things she found were not good.

"Do you want to talk about it? I have some time before my flight leaves." I could do this for her, it would be a small gesture to start making up for all the times I had screwed up when it came to my sister.

A few more seconds passed before she launched into her tale. I listened as she talked about the asylum where she was admitted. She went on to say she found a death certificate and how her supposed date of death was one and the same as her asylum admittance. She had found living relatives and that she has a niece. But underneath it all, I heard the sadness and the confusion in her words. She was no closer to understanding what led to her being abandoned by her parents. I knew words could do little to console her so I said the only thing I thought would matter to her.

"You will always be my sister and I will always love you."

"Thanks. I will let everyone know that you called. We are going out hunting tonight. Before I go, you will have about four hours of darkness when you land to search then it will be sunny for the next few days."

"Thanks for looking out for me. I don't always deserve you doing that for me."

"No, you don't, but it won't stop me from looking. Talk to you soon. Miss you."

"Miss you, as well. All of you." With that the phone clicked off and I was left alone all over again. Not knowing what to do to fill the time, I went to the bathroom to change clothes and went in search for some new ones. I hoped that Alice would see and it would make her happy to see me in designer clothes once again.

With a little more than an hour to kill, I pulled out my phone to map the shore area of Rio. I wanted my search to be just as methodical as all my previous searches. I was narrowing down on Victoria and I was determined that she not escape me again. Shortly after I finished mapping the shores of Rio, I was called to board my flight. Now my biggest worry is what I would do for the next eleven hours.

I was lucky that the first couple of films were action ones and I could get lost in the blood and guts of it all. Afterwards most of the passengers settled in for the night to sleep away the rest of the flight and I was alone with my thoughts. I feigned sleep mostly to keep the female flight attendants from attending to me. Their thoughts were bordering on the grossly obscene and it made me ache for my angel. So, I closed my eyes instead and thought back to the summer, I pulled out a harmless memory, one that would allow me to spend time not only with my family but my angel as well.

"_Edward, Emmett's going to say something if he sees me in this thing!" Her voice was soft, concerned and desperate. I looked over the navy one piece bathing suit Alice had gotten for her for today. It shimmered in the filtered sunlight as we stood in the kitchen. I wanted to tell her how stunning she looked in it, but I knew that would not help matters._

"_He won't say a thing, I promise." I stared intently at her as I raised my hand to softly stroke her cheek. I listened as her heart sputtered and beat out a furious pace. I smiled slightly at her reaction._

"_Fine, you win. But nothing good will come out of me wearing this suit." She mumbled but I had no trouble hearing her. Giving her the crooked smile I knew she loved, I watched what was left of her resolve crumble away. We gathered our belongings and walked outside to my waiting family._

_It was the Fourth of July and we were headed to a part of the river that was perfect for lounging and swimming. This was the first time Bella had joined our family in this activity and she was a little self-conscious. In a matter of seconds I had her on my back and our bags hung from my arms as we all sprinted into the forest. We arrived after running for about fifteen minutes. I placed her on the ground and once I knew she was steady, I set out to lay out our items. Seconds later there were several blankets for lying on, several fluffy towels waited for the swimmers and a radio was playing in the background. Esme was busy taking drinks from the cooler we had brought and handed one to Bella. _

_I sat down on one of the blankets and motioned for her to sit next to me. We watched my siblings s they ran into the water and began a furious water battle. It was a warm day and it was forecasted to get hotter and even a bit muggy. It was heaven to have Bella sit so close to me and not worrying about her getting to cold. I pulled out the sunscreen and began to apply it to her back. I remembered the first time Bella spent all day in the sun with me and the sunburn she received. Her skin was hot to the touch for close to a week. Of course she took every chance she got to snuggle up, but I was a bit angry at myself for forgetting how easily her skin could burn._

_The day was perfect. Bella ate a picnic lunch and even ventured out in the water with me. It took some time, but Bella eventually relaxed in the water enough that I could be playful. The sound of her laughter as I swam below her and grabbed her only to dart away was music to my ears. I held her as we swam, and relished in the closeness of her body. _

_But the real fun came later at night. The entire family settled on the roof of the house as Jasper and Emmett arranged the elaborate fireworks set up. Each year the two of them worked long and hard to create a spectacular show. This year they incorporated music. I snuggled with Bella on the blanket we were sitting on. Most of my family was sitting higher on the roof of the main part of the house. I took Bella to the relatively flat surface of the porch roof. I was nervous enough having her up here, there was no way I would place her on the steeper slope._

_The quiet of the night was broken by the soft strains of music and as it got louder the show truly began. The sky was alight in brilliant reds, oranges and yellows. The crackle and the bang of the fireworks were in perfect timing to the music. I watched as Bella's eye delighted in the show before us. The wonderment and awe she exuded made me love her all that much more. I could hear the music swell and knew the grand finale was next. I held her closer and we watched the end of a fantastic show. The entire family applauded Jazz and Em and they took their bows with huge smiles plastered on their faces. _

_Once down from the roof, Emmett lumbered over to Bella and swung her up, "Did ya like the show?"_

"_It was spectacular, Emmett. You guys are fantastic. But then, you guys can do anything and do it well."_

"_Well, it's either go big or go home, Bells." The infectious attitude of Emmett drew a breathtaking smile from Bella. Slowly we all walked over to a fire that Carlisle had started and spent the rest of the night talking and laughing. Bella got Emmett and Jasper to sing and danced with me under the stars. She fell asleep in my arms and that is where I held her for hours afterwards._

The sudden jolt of turbulence jolted me from my memory. For a few agonizing seconds I swore it felt as if I could feel her in my arms again. That night, Esme finally had to remind me to bring her upstairs where she would be more comfortable. I loved the trust and tranquility she possessed when she would sleep in my arms. It was one of a million little things I missed about being with her. Intense and acute longing swept through me, leaving me breathless.

As the plane continued onward and the miles between us grew, I had never felt more conflicted and more alone than I did right now. For the first time in months the selfish side of me squeaked that I should go check on her. Just as quickly I slammed the door on that voice and verbally reprimanded myself for entertaining the idea. I had a job to finish and nothing was going to deter me from it.

An hour later and the plane landed and I was out the airport in a flash, heading straight for the coast line. My first search focused on the southern coast. Heeding Alice's warning of only a few hours of night left, I searched from Rio to Sao Paulo. There was no sign of Victoria, but I was far from willing to give up. My plan was to search the entire Brazilian coastline if I needed to. I did not want to take a chance that I missed her because she did not directly head to Rio. On my way back I hunted where I was lucky; I found a jaguar. The blood was rich and I found I liked it immensely; it was similar to the mountain lions I preferred back home. I took down a marsh deer that crossed my path and I was fully sated once again.

I decided to stay in a hotel. It would allow me to clean up and stay among the crowds. I wanted to monitor the thoughts around me in case Victoria made an appearance. I was lucky that one of the better hotels had a room open and took it without another thought. Once cleaned up, I entered the business center and used one of the computers to search the area for anything suspicious, anything I could attribute to Victoria being in the area. Hours later and I had found nothing and I hung my head in disappointment. I wasn't sure how long I had stayed there before a timid voice broke through.

"You look sad, are you ok?" She asked in halting English. I looked up to see a young girl; she had to be no more than sixteen years old. But that was not what had me speechless; no it was the fact that she had deep brown eyes and long brown hair. In flawless Portuguese I stammered, "W-What?"

A small giggle escaped before she slapped her hand over her mouth. I was unsure what she found so funny and her only thought was that I looked sad and cute. Maybe it was my uncharacteristic stutter that she found humorous.

"Forgive me; I did not expect you to speak the language. That is why I laughed. Are you ok?" Her question was soft and her thoughts showed nothing but concern for me.

"Yes, I am sad and tired. I should retire to my room." Without saying goodbye, I fled to my room where I collapsed onto one of the beds. My breathing was suddenly labored and I felt an aching sadness creeping into my heart. It was uncanny the similarities that young girl had to my angel, she had the same deep eyes and colored hair. I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. I left Forks to leave her behind. Now it seems everywhere I look I see her; Ellie, Sophia, and now the girl downstairs. I wanted to scream, rage, scream some more and cry at the injustice of it all. Instead, I sat on the bed and I shook. If it was possible for vampire to have an anxiety attack, I was having one.

How the day went from early morning to twilight, I was unaware. But the creeping darkness outside my window alerted to me and it was time again to go search for Victoria. This time I took to the northern shores. I ran half way up the shore before I turned around to head back. There was no trace of Victoria anywhere. Feelings of failure and despair slinked ever closer to the surface of my brain. I was so sure that once I got to Rio that it would be quick and easy to find her. Once again I was horribly wrong and arrogant. I tugged on my hair in frustration as I ran back to the hotel.

Once inside I saw the same girl from the day before. She was talking to an older woman. She did not look happy. For some inexplicable reason, I was drawn to her. I slowly came up behind them and I could hear their conversation.

"I don't want to be hear all morning momma. There is nothing to do!" the girl's voice was exasperated and resigned.

"Marta, I am sorry. But for now you need to come here before school. I don't like it any more than you. Why don't you sit and work on school work." The tone in her voice left little room for Marta to argue. With much grumblings, Marta stomped over to one of the computer desks and threw her bag down with a loud smack.

I chuckled at her expression. A deep scowl was etched across her face and her thoughts were a jumbled mess. From what I could make out, coming in the morning with her mother was part of a punishment. She was caught sneaking out of her house a few days ago and her mother could no longer trust her. Her mother worked the front desk so she was able to keep an eye on her before school. I continued to walk closer to her. On an impulse I sat down at a computer desk a few feet from her. While part of my mind was focused on searching for any clues that Victoria was here, I stared at Marta. It was easy to see when I was calm and not taken by surprise, that it was only her outward appearance that resembled my angel.

Marta's face still held the slight chubbiness of youth. Her lips were not nearly as full and her hair was a darker brown with no red highlights. He nose was slightly larger and her face was more oval. But those eyes, they were deep brown and endless. For a brief moment, I felt as if I was looking at _her. _It was both exhilarating and disheartening all at once. Not wanting to be caught staring I gave my complete attention to the computer screen in front of me, which sadly held little in the way of useful information. My head fell into my hands.

_He looks so sad. I wonder if he will talk to me or run away again? _Her thoughts were nothing but concern for me. I found it endearing and it reminded me of my angel. I gripped my head tighter, trying to stop memories from flooding my head.

"Hey, again. Care to talk?" Her voice was soft and gentle. I looked up and her smile was sweet and kind.

"I don't think I would be all that pleasant to talk to." Even to my ears I could hear the sadness. Some unknown emotion flitted across her face, I tried to read her thoughts, but all she was thinking was how sad I looked. She sat down in the chair closest to me. Through her eyes I saw how I looked. My hair was in more disarray than normal; my clothes were wrinkled and disheveled, even worn in some areas. My shoulders were hunched, my face looked haggard, but it was my eyes that shocked me, they were flat and dull. Even with them being a brownish gold, they looked haunted; there was no shine in them at all.

It was not surprising; my life and reason for existing were thousands of miles away and on a different continent. I knew that I was nothing without her, but to see how it affected my physically was startling. But it was the price I was willing to pay, my suffering and needs meant nothing if she wasn't safe and human. With a mental shake, I looked at the young girl in front of me.

She had diverted her eyes as I appraised myself. But now she turned to look at me and she smiled again. I tried to give one in return, it turned out wrong.

"My name is Marta." She blurted it out when the silence turned pressing.

"It's nice to meet you Marta. My name is Edward." She smiled brightly at my attempt to talk to her. Sensing that she was going to ask why I looked so sad, I deflected her attention elsewhere. Motioning to her book bag I inquired "Looks like you were doing some school work. How is it going?"

With a dramatic eye roll, she vented about her mom, school and what she thought was a ridiculous amount of home work. It was easy to listen to her and she required little input from me to keep talking. It helped to pass the time for me. But all too soon her mother was headed her way to see her off to school. Once again, I was alone and feeling miserable.

That was the pathetic pattern of the next couple of days. I would go and search for Victoria at night feeling more and more like a failure. I could find no trace of her and instead of feeling angry; I was more depressed and resigned. I would come back to the hotel and talk to Marta in the mornings. The days would find me huddled in my hotel room, trying desperately to keep the memories at bay, which was becoming harder and harder to do.

*FLASH*

_Bella and I were at the meadow on a sunny and warm day. She is curled next to me as I read to her. I gently ran my hands through her hair as she traced random patterns on my arms._

*FLASH*

_It was my birthday and she had arranged for us to have the house to ourselves, it is peaceful and quiet. Her gift to me was a charcoal drawing of herself that she had someone draw. She had it framed in a simple black frame. The picture was stunning. We hung it in my room that night and spent the rest of the night cuddled on the couch. It was the best birthday ever._

By the third night I just settled on just searching Rio. I was convinced that she went ashore somewhere other than Rio and I figured I would just look for her scent in the city. The morning came and I was waiting for Marta to come. I came to look forward to our talks. She was full of life and a vitality I had not come across in a while. Her mind was quick and smart, but she was still very much a teenage girl. Just yesterday she was telling me about some boys her friend had met and wanted Marta to meet them. Her eyes were all full of light and laughter when she talked about it.

I hated being in the hotel, I felt as if I was taking up space. So I checked out later that day and I found myself following Marta and her mother to their neighborhood. They lived in a slightly poorer area with many tenements scattered throughout. There were several that looked abandoned and I picked one that was close to Marta's home. I scaled the outside and silently climbed into the lone window in the attic. It was dusty, stale smelling and full of rodents, it was perfect for a vampire. The sun had set an hour ago so I crept back out to the city and resumed my search for Victoria.

I was vaguely aware that I was not giving it my full attention. There was no predetermined search pattern or a methodical plotting of the best areas to search. Instead, I was more aimlessly roaming the streets. Even my senses were unfocused. My mind wandered from thought to thought and then I had to block them out as the noise became too much. My eyes rarely scanned the immediate vicinity, instead they mainly focused down. I was not diligently sniffing the air looking for the telltale scent that would tell me Victoria was in the area.

Instead, my hands were fisted in the pockets of my pants, one of which housed her note. The protective plastic bag was long forgotten. I needed the physical connection of that note. It was my last connection to her and I needed to keep it close.

Before the night was over I found myself wondering back to Marta's. I watched as she played with a younger brother, her laugh was spilling out into the street. I found comfort in watching this example of everyday life and humanity. My thoughts strayed to a tiny town and the angel that lived there and wishing that she was also reveling in her humanity. That she was laughing and smiling, taking each day and finding the potential. It was all that I asked of her. As the lights went out at Marta's I left to continue roaming the city streets. I had no idea where I was going I was just putting one foot in front of the others. My mind was a tangled mess of emotions, thoughts and emptiness. I lacked the normal drive and desire to find Victoria, but without having any other purpose, I kept putting some effort into the search.

Long before the sun rose I found myself back in the attic. The swirling, chaotic emotions were threatening to break free; the panic was building in my chest. I curled into a ball as I tried to keep the tremors at bay. Frantically I pulled at my hair as the grief and longing consumed me. I had held it back for so long; I no longer had the mental fortitude to stop it. But along with the feelings came the memories.

*FLASH*

_We were sitting at my piano. She was listening as I played Esme's song, her lullaby, Claire de Lune and any other requests. The look upon her face as I played was always one of awe and astonishment. She found joy in playing and I found joy in her joy. When I was done she sat on my lap and I taught her chopsticks. She laughed the entire time. _

*FLASH*

_I was watching her play chess with Jasper. Her face set in fierce concentration. I could see that she was in trouble and was running the risk of being checkmated in less than 5 moves. I wanted to desperately to help her. Sensing my frustration, her small hand reached over to cover mine. "Let me learn Edward." Both Jasper and Emmett chuckled._

I missed her, so very much. I was beginning to feel as if my search for Victoria was over, that I had lost her. Feelings of worthlessness and disgust at my inability to do a simple task, coupled with the fear that she was not as safe as I would like and I was awash in hopelessness. I brought her note to my face and in vain I tried to find some trace of her scent. All I found were the scents of ink and the cotton of the paper. Irrational fear that I was losing all that I had left of her crippled me. I placed it reverently on my chest, trying desperately to hold her close to me.

The next night found me once again roaming the city with no goal in mind. All around me there was noise and it furiously pounded inside my mind. I was working overtime to keep it all out; it was too much for my overly stimulated brain. Like a lifeline, her note was held tightly in my fist. The need to keep her close overrode any need to preserve what little physical mementoes I had remaining. My fingers caressed the paper as to remind me that it was real and that she is as well.

Wanting to feel useful I walked to Marta's house. She was with her mother in the kitchen washing dishes and they smiling. It was such simplicity. For so long in my existence I longed for simplicity. Instead I was granted monotony and boredom. Then she breezed into my life and I found peace and a sense of tranquility. It was simplicity and it was perfect. I slid down the wall of Marta's house and listened in on their nightly routine.

*FLASH*

_Alice had arranged another 'sleepover' and I watched as Bella performed her nightly routine. She took her shower and applied lotion to her slightly damp skin. She brushed her teeth and sat on my couch as she brushed her hair. Silently I sat down beside her and took the brush from her hands and gently brushed her hair. The scent of strawberries was heavy in the air and only got stronger with each stroke of the brush. When it was smooth I carefully braided her hair. "You braided my hair?" she asked softly in amazement. Shrugging I replied, "I had Alice teach me." Her kiss of thanks warmed my chest inside and out._

A tightness that I had never felt constricted painfully on my chest. I drew in deep gulps of air as I felt suffocated. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to breathe, the tightness never abated. I pulled myself upright and stumbled towards my attic. Once there I sunk to my knees and let the panic overtake me.

*FLASH*

_I walk into the living room to find that Bella was sitting on Emmett's legs and Alice was holding his feet steady while Bella painted them blinding neon pink. After the shock of seeing such a bizarre sight I begin to laugh, loudly. "What is going on in here?" _

"_Emmett lost a bet to me and this is his punishment." Bella's beaming smile was breathtaking._

_Turning towards Emmett, "What did you bet her?"_

"_That she wouldn't be able to put thirty marshmallows in her mouth. But she cheated!" His voice was loud and obstinate._

_A loud giggle made me turn towards Bella, "No, I did not cheat. It's not MY fault you did not specify the size of the marshmallows." She pointed to the bag of mini marshmallows and winked at me._

"_She got ya Em, fair and square." I had never loved her more._

*FLASH*

_It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and we were alone at her house. After a few movies, Bella decided she wanted to make cookies and I wanted to help. Together we mixed, measured and scooped out cookie dough. I was concentrating on spacing the cookies on the baking sheet when suddenly Bella through flour at me. The twinkle in her eye made me smile. Not wanting to be outdone, I flung a spoonful of dough and it landed on the side of her face with a loud splatter. In seconds a mini food fight broke out. We were both caught up in it, I failed to notice that Charlie was home and he walked into a huge mess in the kitchen. It took us a few hours to clean it up and we only ended up with a dozen cookies._

When awareness found me once again, it was dark outside. I stared at the dingy window, trying to determine if I wanted to go outside. Half of me argued what the point would be. I would not find Victoria, I would _never _find her. The other part refused to give into failure, that I had promised I would make this world safe for her. I owed it to her. It was that part that won out. I have said it before and I will say it again: I would do anything for her, suffer any hurt, and drag my unwilling body to the ends of the earth all in the hopes of making her safe. She owned me heart, body, and mind, and if I still possessed a soul, she would have owned that as well.

I found myself once again meandering aimlessly. What was I looking for, what was I doing out here? _Prolonging the inevitable; your failure at keeping her safe. _I wanted to argue with that side, but really, why bother, it was true. Fear and panic flooded my veins. Needing to feel something that was real, I reached for her note. By now it was beyond crumbled, I had gripped it tightly too many times in the past few weeks. The edges were worn and the creases from where I have unfolded it were deep. I kept it in my hand, needing proof that she was real.

Hours later found me wondering through the forest that touched the city. I wasn't hungry and I had no real need to be here but it was where my feet took me. The rain which was soft just moments ago was gaining in momentum. The thick canopy of the trees kept me sheltered, but I did not care. Lightning streaked across the sky and thunder shook the earth and fell to my knees.

In here, where it was dark except the occasional flash of lightning, I saw the metaphor of my life. I lived in darkness, and then came my own personal storm. She was bright and quick and just as beautiful. But like all storms, they eventually end and now I found myself in the darkness. But now I saw the darkness for what it was; fear, desolation, pain and damnation. The rain drops of this storm did not bath me in warmth; they only melded with the coldness of my skin. But her storm, it was warmth and light and calming. It was everything about her that made me come alive, her smile, laugh, her touch, her heart, her kisses and her love. They cocooned me with such tenderness that I wanted to weep.

It was here, months later and alone in the Brazilian forest, when I fully comprehended the damage I inflicted with my lies in September. I knew they were lies then, but now I could see the damage they could do. I ripped the away the comforting blanket of our love. I tarnished it with the lies that fell from my lips. No matter the cost to me to think them and to say them, she had to _hear _them.

The sudden pain that ripped through made me scream out. Was there anything left for the pain to eat away at? I felt full of holes and the space that held my dead heart was useless, rendered to ashes already. So why did it feel as if it was breaking into a million pieces? I pounded the ground in frustration. I raged against everything and nothing all at once.

The need to escape was overwhelming. I was suffocating, everything was pressing in closer and I felt caged in. So I ran. I pushed myself up from the ground hard and fast. The rain poured through the trees making me feel as if I was in my own bubble and I hated it. I did not want to feel closed in- or was it closed off? Either way, I wanted to feel free and so I continued to run.

It could have been minutes later or hours even, I was not sure, when I smelled something familiar and my body froze instantly. It was the distinct smell of vampire and more than one. But even more interesting there was the smell of human and it was vaguely familiar. I gave no thought to why I headed in the direction of those scents, I just did. For as long as I will live, I wished I had run in the other direction.

Silently I crept closer to where the smells were coming from. They were in a small clearing and there was a small fire going. I spotted the two vampires easily. The fire glinting off their skin gave them an almost ethereal appearance. I could not make out human from here; they had their back to me. The rain was masking my scent and I was cautious where I stepped. A group of thick ferns close to the clearing was a perfect spot to observe the group. I flashed quickly and silently to the fern and as I reached them the quiet of the night was broken by a scream. It was a scream of pain and death.

Through the ferns I watched as both vampires held the human in their arms and bent over the body. From my hiding place I could hear the sucking of their mouths and the rushing of the blood. It was then that I noticed there was another human, a female and she was dead. The body was covered in multiple and vicious bite marks. I averted my eyes back to the horrific scene in front of me. It was then that they had turned and I saw the face of their meal.

My stomach heaved and I ripped up several ferns in frustration and agony. I watched as the life was slowly being drained from Marta's body. Her eyes which once held such life and joy were now dull and full of pain. In my mourning for her I made too much noise and both eyes of the vampires found me. They threw her drained body to the ground. My eyes riveted to the sight. My mind was numb; I could not think or even process the sight before me.

"Sorry. If we knew you were there, we would have saved you some." His foot gave the lifeless body of Marta a nudge. Anger hot and furious coursed through me. How dare they treat her body so carelessly? She was just a young girl with her life in front of her. Our conversation from a few days ago replayed and that is when I knew these where the older boys her friend wanted her to meet. This wasn't supposed to be the end of her life; it couldn't be. But now all I could think about was her mother who was waiting for her to come back and she never would.

"Move away from her body, now." The command was forceful and full of threats. Seeing that there was nothing left to her that they needed, they fled the area. With care, I gathered Marta and her friend. I needed to make sure that she got back to her mother, that both of them did. As I walked, I thought back to all the times that she talked to me. She was friendly and kind. She knew I was sad, but also knew I did not want to talk. So she was just there for me and I found a slice of peace with her. So how did I fail her? Why was unable to keep her safe? I had failed her just as I had failed my angel. They both touched my life and I had hurt them both.

At the edge of the forest, I laid them both down. I knew I should make it seem like they were attacked by an animal, but I could not bring myself to cause her body further harm. The best I could do was to erase the look of horror etched on her face. I smoothed out her face and closed her eyes.

"I am so sorry Marta. You deserved so much more than this." I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and made my way to my attic. I changed out of my wet and bloody clothes and sank down on the floor. In futility I tried to figure out how I could save her, how I could have done her better. When the agony of those thoughts was not enough to make me suffer I added thoughts of my angel. The multitude of ways that I had failed her and hurt her danced in my head. Feeling that familiar ache of anxiety I searched my pockets for what had become my security blanket. Realizing I had changed clothes I searched the pockets only to come up empty. I scrambled to my bag and threw everything out. I searched every pocket several times and I came up empty.

Fear, pure and intense, flooded my every pore. That piece of paper was my lifeline; it was the very sanity I relied upon when nothing else could hold me. I closed my eyes to pinpoint the last time I held it. I remembered having it in my hands as I walked. Then the epiphany, it was still in my hands when I was in the forest and when I pounded the wet ground in frustration only to push up from the ground to run. In my mind I could see that I _flattened _my hand to push up. My only tie to her was lying on the ground, and with all the rain, it was more than likely completely destroyed.

Guilt, failure and sadness erupted from me. I paced the small attic as I pulled on my hair. How could I be so careless? That note was everything to me and I treated it like it meant nothing. Suddenly trying to hold everything back was no longer an option. My failures and insecurities were lining themselves back up. They played endlessly and I knew I could no longer hold them back, I didn't want to anymore. I slumped down and let it consume me.

I pulled my phone out and pulled up the only picture I had of her that I downloaded. I wanted to tell her how sorry that I was unable to be worthy of her. I wanted to gaze upon her and tell her how sorry I was for every hurt and pain and disappointment I laid at her feet. I had learned just how unworthy I was of her and it ripped me apart to acknowledge it.

I could feel the numbness pulling at me and for the first time since the cave, I welcomed it. I was not strong enough to bear the weight of my pain. I was a coward and I knew it. As I prepared to shut down my phone I noticed the date. I stilled. The irony was not lost on me and it only served as further proof that I could never do right by my angel. I threw the phone and watched as it smashed into thousands of pieces, but the date was still burned into my mind. I opened myself to the pain and grief and let it all rush forth. As the blackness of my mind took over two things were ever present; Bella and that today was Valentine's Day.

**A/N: I know.. I know.. I am cruel. While Bella is getting conversation hearts from Jacob, Edward is falling apart. Its all part of my master plan. Please review- I answer all signed ones and give teasers for the next chapter. I do a happy dance everytime my email tells me I have a review..sooo make me dance!**


	21. Ch 20 The Madness Within

**A/N: Ok... off the bat I am going to tell you this will be one of my more longer notes- I hope you read it...it is important to me and why this chapter means a lot to me. Some of you may already know parts of what I am about to say.. but please bear with me. When I started to write this story, there were a few things Iwas looking forward to writing..I wanted to understand Edward and what he was thinking. The first was when he decided to leave Bella and the next was when he was in Rio and pining away from Bella. I felt they were crucial parts of the story. So when Isat to write this chapter I was STOKED! So I sat and wrote and about 2.5 pages in I stopped... not because I wanted to but because I was at a loss for words. A day later and still no words.. I became blocked. I freaked out! This chapter meant the world to me and I knew it was a crucial part of the story. A week later and still nothing. When me and my beta connected.. I wanted to hurt her as she did not provide me with the magical answer and by this time I was freaked, livid and having a nervous breakdown. But when her words finally sunk into my panic brain.. it all came tumbling out.. and thus.. this chapter was born. It is both my and PicseanPal23 favorite chapter. My whole soul is in this chapter... And some of you may be astute enough to see that I borrowed almost the same title as Ch. 9.. hopefully you will see the parallel between them. I have to say next to this chapter.. the only good thing that came out of my block was my other story.**

**To all my reviewers.. THANK YOU! Yourock my world. I tried to answer you all..but FF was a bit tempermental...**

**Please enjoy this chapter.. and to you PisceanPal23.. this one is all for you girl.. thanks!**

The Madness Within

Time means entirely different things for a vampire. The passage of minuscule time such as a minutes, hours or even weeks pass without much notice. When so much time stands behind you and a limitless amount stretches before you, you tend to lose your perspective. But in the last few months, I had become acutely aware of time. It never flows easily; it can be still one moment only to lurch forward at a frantic pace. The times you long for just a few extra seconds are the times when you get too few and then when you beg for time to speed up it slows down to the point of pain.

That is where I find myself now, in pain. I was all too aware of every second that ticked away, afraid that every moment would be permanently etched into my vampire brain with perfect recall. As each second passed I hurt more. I felt it deep in my tissues, even my bones ached with the passage of time. It detailed the amount of time that I had been without her, without Bella.

I said her name now only because I am already in excruciating pain. What was a little more pain to me? It was nothing. So I let it have me. I felt it sink and embed its self into my very being. Each breath in and out was laced with torment. Each blink, each motion I made, there was pain. Sometimes it was quick and fast, other times it was searing and hot. Adding to those feelings were the sadness and guilt. They were the ever present reminder that I had failed in every sense of the word. With the guilt came anger. Anger that I could not do better, be a better person. That the promises I made to me and her meant nothing.

So I sat in my attic, letting the pain wash over me and take over. I sat with my memories and my regrets. I replayed all my choices and decisions and wondered if there was a better way. Was there some unseen path that I failed to consider? I felt that there had to be that one point in time that if I could change it, it would lead me away from where I was.

I tried to stop myself from loving her, but it was useless. I knew then and I knew it now. We were drawn to each other by an unseen force. Whether it was fate, destiny or happenstance, we fell in love. So I tried to protect her, to keep her safe. But it wasn't an easy job and Bella did not help matters. She entered my life and the life of my family and situated herself into our hearts. So day in and day out she was exposed to my world at an alarming rate and I grew careless. The moment I first failed her was with James. My first real test at keeping her safe and I came up deficient. She was seriously injured to the point that she was on the verge of transformation. It was only by shear willpower and luck that she survived with only a scar on her hand.

Maybe that is when it all went wrong. Maybe that day in the hospital I should have told Renee to take her away. Instead Bella begged for me to stay. Her tiny grasp was so fierce and compelling; I went against reason and my better judgment and stayed. My staying only kept us on the path to her disastrous birthday and the final straw. No longer could I ignore reality and live in the bubble I tried to construct. There was danger in my world, _I _was dangerous and that scared me. So I left, I told her lies and I left her.

For the first time in months I began to wonder if I did the right thing. Was she happy right now? Had she moved on and forgotten all about me? The pain from just asking that simple question knocked me breathless and I clutched at my chest. Scrambling for a way to ease to the pain, I changed my line of thinking. What if she wasn't happy? What would I do then? Would I- or could I- go back to her? Just the idea of going back made the tightness in my chest ease slightly. So I let myself continue down that path. What if there was just the smallest chance she was unhappy that I had left? Could she have loved me just a fraction of the amount that I loved her? Was it even possible? Desire that I long thought had deserted me flared at the notion that she could love me as much as I did her, which left me longing to go and see her.

My muscles began to uncoil themselves from the curled position I had been holding for some time in anticipation of leaving this attic and seeing her. But just as fast I stopped, knowing that I could not just show up after all this time. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Confusion like I had never known crowded my mind. I snuffed out the tiny flicker of hope that I would be welcomed back in her life if I was to return. I had hurt her too much with my lies. I knew she believed them, it was written in her eyes on the day I had left her.

I wanted to be angry that she doubted me that she gave up on my love for her so easily. But I could never truly be angry at her. I knew that her humanity allowed for doubts and insecurities to color the way she viewed our love. She did not have the luxury of knowing and believing in the power of finding ones mate. While humans flitted from one relationship to another, it's a whole another world for vampires. When we find our mate that is it. There will be no other. We mate for life. There would never be another person that I would want like I wanted Bella.

This all lead me to think about Sophia and Luca. I never really sat and thought much about their story or even why she found it necessary to tell it to me. That's not to say it didn't buzz in the back of mind, far from it. But I had neither the energy nor time to give it any detailed thought until now. So I pulled it out to examine it more closely. Immediately after she finished, I dismissed her as being selfish and self-centered. She placed her wants, needs and desires above what was in Luca's best interest. The selfish part of me tried to get me to look at the other side, but I had denied him a voice for so long, I quickly pushed him away. But now I had nowhere to run and hide. I let him talk, and he immediately started filling my mind with questions and reasoning.

What was so wrong with her wanting the love her existence to be able to be with her? That was her reasoning wasn't it? She loved him and wanted to be with him. The idea of him dying was more than she could handle. She saw that she had it within her power to make them partners, equals in every sense of the word. But even more than that, Luca _wanted _to be changed. He loved her just as much as she loved him. He also knew that he would die and she would have to go on living. Wouldn't his desire to be with her for forever be considered just as selfish as Sophia's choice to grant it to him?

My head hurt from the circles I was making in my mind. There were no clear cut answers to the many questions I was thinking. So I concentrated on trying to figure out how I felt, letting my selfish side finally have its voice. Did I want Bella for forever? Yes, without a doubt I wanted it. Digging deeper I saw I just didn't want it, I preferred it. The shock of acknowledging that had me hanging my head. Bella as a vampire would make us complete. We would be free to love passionately and without restraints. There would be no more lines, boundaries and exclusions. We could share in everything.

Is that what Bella had been trying to say all along? That she hated the idea that we couldn't share every part of our lives with each other? If she stayed human there would always be things I could never share with her. What is it that makes a relationship real? Was it the ability to share and experience life's trial's and tribulation's? Looking at how my parents were with each other, that is exactly what they did. Even my siblings were able to share in that sense of completeness. It was true that I held so much of who I was and what I was back from Bella. The fear of hurting her outweighed all my other desires and needs. It was ingrained in me to keep her safe at all costs.

So where did that leave me now? I am still miles away from her and no closer to understanding the scrambled thoughts bouncing in my head. Maybe the more important question to ask is what do I _want_ now? Did I stay where I was or did I go back? The selfish side screamed at me to go back, that I had been in pain long enough. The only way to be free of the sadness and grief would be to be with Bella. She was our mate and we deserved to be with her. For a brief second my body flooded with warmth just imaging being with her again. But just as quickly the rational side took over and squashed the idea before it fully formed. I moaned in pain and began to rock back in forth. The agony of the conflict was too much and I just wanted to get away. I felt the edges of the numbness drawing closer and I opened myself up to it. It was exhausting trying to fight against it and I no longer wished to.

I knew what I was doing. I was running away, again and I was surrendering. I was letting the numbness have me; there was too much chaos and confusion outside of it and I could no longer bear the strain of it. I wanted solace, I wanted serenity. There was only one place, one thing that could give me what I so desperately sought.

I pushed myself far away from the real world as possible. I curled so deep into myself that even the pain and agony could not reach me. Where I longed to be was a place of light and love, of happiness and contentment. It could not be tainted by pain, loss or grief. There was no place for shadows or darkness in my place of serenity. Angels were not allowed to dwell in dark places; their light was too bright to be dampened.

I could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. The heavy burdens that I had placed upon myself lessened their grip till I felt them slide off with little effort. I gave them no second glance as I went to where I wanted to be, where I needed to be. It was the only thing that made sense in my world. It was the only honest, pure thing I had ever experienced. I guarded it deep down in myself, trying to find that one place that I had not polluted with my evil. There had to be one place of light within me, no matter how little it was.

When I could feel the lightness in my body I knew I had arrived. I opened up myself and let it pour over me, pour into my very essence. Happiness and joy radiated from me as I gazed upon my meadow. It was abloom with flowers. Their spectacular colors refracted the light from the sun and it created a hazy glow. The breeze was light but warm on my skin. I opened my arms, to allow it to swirl around me, to engulf me. The rich smell of earth filled my nose and the heady perfume of the flowers clothed me.

I found the center, and sank down on the soft cushion of grass and flowers, my every movement allowing more of their fragrance to release into the hair. I closed my eyes, letting the sun's rays wash me in warmth and heat. There was nothing like heat on my cold skin. If I stayed still long enough, I could almost feel it warm my bones. It was an amazing feeling.

I could hear her and smell her before I saw her and my fingers twitched in anticipation. The scent of freesia was only enhanced by wildflowers all around her. Her lavender scented blood turned intoxicating as the sun sweetened it with its heat. Her heart, so strong and sure, was steady and it was my beacon. Like a cat I turned toward that sound, stretching languidly knowing that pure bliss was seconds away. The soft whoosh of air in her lungs reaffirmed her frailty and I treasured it. It was my curse and my blessing to be given such a gift to keep.

I tuned in with my other senses, leaving my eyes for last. For once I gazed upon her soft brown eyes I would be lost. I would be held forever captivated by them and I would drown. I could see my forever and my future in those eyes. She silently lowered herself to me. Her body heat added to my already warming body and it sent a shiver down my spine. Not from cold- no- the opposite. My body craved her heat, her warmth and I knew it when it caressed my body. It was like a million petal-soft fingers were dancing across my skin, leaving flickers of flame in its wake.

When I did open my eyes, I could not help the gasp of awe that escaped. She was lovely; she was perfection. She was my Bella. A face splitting smile was all I could offer her as words failed me. There was nothing I could say that could accurately describe the vision before me. So I did not speak and break the spell, I simply looked. The smile she graced me lit up her face. There was an inner light that radiated from deep within her and I could not help but be blinded by it.

I had no right to stand in her light, but she would have it no other way. She wrapped me up in her purity and I was home. Her hands were feathers upon my skin and committed every sensation, every touch to my memory banks. The way her touch sent electrical impulses throughout my body, creating a hum that resonated from her to me and back again in once continual loop. My skin was hyper sensitive to her touch. Anticipating where she would go next was thrilling.

Whether it was conscious or unconscious, she started to rock me from side to side. Her hands ran circuits from my neck down my back to my waist and back again. Her other hand ran soothing patterns on my arm. I wanted to know why she was comforting me; there was no need. I had everything that I wanted right where I was, I could want for no more. But still she rocked us. My head rested on her shoulder and slowly the drip of her tears reached my face. The sting of salt in the air created a discord. The air was filled with delightful smells, but all I could smell was the salt in her tears.

Furiously I scrubbed them way, but they came faster and faster, they poured out of her and I was helpless to stop them. My eyes became wide and frantic, not comprehending why she was crying, why she was so sad. I held her gaze, pleading for her to help me, to save her, to save me, to save us.

I saw her mouth move but heard no sound. It was like my ears were plugged. I shook my head, trying to understand, but nothing worked. Why was this happening, why here? This was supposed to be my place of beauty and peace. But a hallow feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that was all changing.

_You don't want me? _Those words froze my dead heart to the point of cracking. Violently I shook my head.

_No, I always want you. I love you._

Now it was her turn to shake her head, her eyes full of sadness and longing. Her hands franticly tried to find purchase on my shirt, but it always slipped through her fingers.

_You promised! _While I was sure she screamed them to me, all I heard was raw pain and agony laced through each syllable.

_I know, I know. I made so many promises and I have broken all but one. I never stopped loving you. NEVER. _

I tried to pour myself into those words, to have her see my need, my desire. But she was too wild. Her eyes were wide and unseeing. Her hands clawed at me but they felt like feathers. Drops of sweat beaded on her face, her hair pasted itself to the droplets like glue. Tears that started as a river were now a torrent. Her face held their tracks and her cheeks were flushed from exhaustion.

_You're the very best part of my life. _With that she slumped down. Her body was unable to sustain the level of intense emotions. I saw the fight and the light leave her body.

_No! No, Bella, no. _All I could think was that I did this too her. I broke her.

Suddenly, my mind was filled with sounds and I no longer felt warm. There was no fragrant air, there was no hazy sun. There was only the stench of the tenements below me and weak sun through filthy windows. I spun head around, trying to understand. How or why did the numbness release me? I pushed at my eyes with my hands, trying to make sense of it all and was coming up empty.

When reality crashed around me, I could no longer stand the staggering pain. I knew, without a doubt, what that scene in the meadow was about. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to forget about what I saw, what I heard her say. I wanted to scrub clean my memories as I watched the light leave her. It was all wrong, so very wrong. She was my angel, my earth bound angel, so filled with light and love and goodness. How could it happen?

_You know why it happened. _

I shook my head again. No, I would refuse to listen to that part of me again. All it has done since I holed myself up here was to make me doubt and question and hurt. I was tired of it, so very tired of it all. I pounded the wall next to me in frustration and watched as the wood splintered and crack.

_You let me out. Here are the consequences. This is your own version of Pandora's Box. Maybe you need to face up to a few things._

I did not want to listen. There was a reason why I refused to pay attention to the selfish side of me. It was wrong.

_Like NOT listening to me did you any good. The last few months are the product of you ignoring me. Don't you think it is about time you gave me a chance?_

I would be lying if I said no. I knew what that side of me wanted. The problem was I saw no good benefit from listening to it. Wasn't that side the reason why we got into the mess on her birthday? It was the reason why Bella even entertained the idea of wanting to be a vampire. It was the reason why I pursued her in the first place.

_But you haven't done well by being all rational either. It's time to face the consequences of your actions. Or are you afraid of what you may find?_

That was the heart of the problem. I dreaded even contemplating the consequences of my actions. That little trip to the meadow alluded to the idea that maybe there were consequences that I had yet to comprehend. The idea that maybe I really had broken Bella was more than I could fathom. I was not ready to deal with that type of crushing pain. Not when all I wanted to do was spare her from feeling anything negative. To even begin to think I _caused _her pain, no, that was too much to take!

_Let's not go there yet. We have plenty of stuff to sort out before we discuss that. _

I slumped down along a wall in the attic, not even realizing that I had stood up to pace. Resignation was thick in the air. I knew that I could no longer run from this. It was time to examine the flip side of the coin, as hard as that may be. The problem was where to start?

_How about why you're so opposed to Bella becoming a vampire? _

I snorted in disgust. Really? That is where we were going to start. That was the easiest one to answer. Bella deserved better than a life or an existence as a vampire. It was about her soul. She should be able to experience all that she could, her full potential. There was no way she could do that as a vampire. LI was a prime example. I was forever seventeen. Never would I be able to have a job, one that I am passionate about and gives me purpose. I would love to follow in Carlisle's footsteps. I enjoyed medical school and the times I was able to assist, I felt as if I could make a difference. How could box her in? She was too full of life and light to be caged in a frozen body.

_That's all fine and dandy for you. What about _her _side of it? Have you even asked her for her point of view?_

That stopped me short. I scanned my memory banks and with sadness realized I had done nothing more than discount her view and change subjects. I never took the time to ask why she wanted it. I never really openly talked to her about all the things I feared she would be missing.

_You did more than that. You felt that your viewpoint held more value, more weight. You discounted her feelings because she was _human. _That's kind of ironic when that is what you want her to be. Just because you have lived for over a hundred years doesn't mean you know more. _

I wanted to deny that assumption, but there was a kernel of truth in it. I would scoff at her attempts to explain what she wanted and why. What did she know? She had only lived for seventeen years. Not nearly enough to know what she wanted, to know how she would feel and to be absolute in that knowledge. Even I struggled with having absolute faith in things. How could she, in all her humanness?

_But then, Bella has never been the typical human, has she? Face it. Not once was she fearful of you, before or after she found out what you were. She found a place among your family with no hesitation or reservation. She loves you without conditions. All she asked for was a chance to be your equal. Sophie had the right idea._

No! That didn't make it right, I pled. We were never meant to fall in love. It's not normal. I had no right to love her.

_Says who? Where is it written that love between a human and vampire should never happen? Why do you feel you do not deserve to be loved? To be loved by her? Take the whole soul issue off the table and answer the question._

Could I- or- did I- want to answer that question? No, I did not. It was too hard. It wasn't a fair question to ask of me. For me to lay myself bare, to truly examine my faults, my shortcomings and be honest about it. I held myself tighter, afraid I would fracture at the fear that paralyzed me. I tried to say that it was because I had done too much killing. That what goodness may have remained after my transformation was taken away when I began to kill. When the thrill of the hunt and the pursuit of human blood meant more to me than anything else I had, even more than my family. Yet, even deeper than that, there was the belief that vampires were unable to truly love, not without damaging it, corroding it till lay rusted. I could almost hear my selfish side laugh in glee at that thought.

_Hmm, let's see if I can follow your line of thinking. You think you can't truly love…that you will somehow turn that love into something bad? If that is true, how do you explain Esme, Carlisle or any of your siblings and their mates? But maybe it's the whole killing thing that's got you worried, well then let's look at Jasper. He has done more killing than you can comprehend. If your little _theory _is correct how is it that he can love Alice? Or do you doubt that he even loves her? Hasn't their bond, their love just grown the more they are together, or is that all faked? Can you honestly look at Esme you mother for longer than your human one, and tell her that she hasn't loved you or anyone else? Is what you have been witnessed to for the last eighty years all a lie? If you can honestly do that, then I guess you are right. But I don't think you can. So I think it's something else, something you haven't touched upon because you too damn scared._

The sobs were ripping from my chest. The longer the tirade went the deeper the cuts. I felt exposed, bleeding and utterly shattered. I couldn't take it any longer. This was getting me nowhere. There were more answers than questions. I clawed at my hair, I ripped my hands down my face trying to scrub away the frustration, the terror, the absolute panic that I could feel was coming.

_So let's get real about everything. You are deathly afraid to take a leap of faith on Bella, on her love for you, on the love you have for each other. You'd rather keep her just an arm length away for fear of getting hurt, that it may all get taken away from you. You have been so concerned about your feelings that you never gave Bella's feelings any honest consideration. You wanted to stay with her human. Did you even think about how that would affect her? No, you just brushed her concerns and her fears aside, they were inconsequential to you. She begged you to make her like you, so that you could truly share your lives together. While you may have more life experience, Bella truly understood what it took to make a relationship work. She was willing to take that leap of faith, in you, in your love._

How and why did it go all wrong? It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't true. I did love… NO! I loved Bella. I loved her with all that I was. I had given everything I had to her. Haven't I? Every choice, every heart wrenching decision I made was for her. It was all to do what I could for her.

_But not once did you truly _talk _to her about your fears, concerns and reservations. To have a solid relationship there needs to be trust, honesty and equality. She was trying to give that to you. But you threw it in her face. You took the role of protector, guardian, and decision maker. Not once did you ever treat her as if she had anything to contribute. You knew she felt uneven, inadequate and you only added to that by brushing what she offered aside._

The stark horror of those words and the truthfulness of them left me reeling. Everything I had constructed around me was crumbling. I could no longer trust my thoughts or my actions. One question rolled around my brain and the answer to it could have ramifications that I had yet to comprehend; I was unable to. What if I was wrong… about everything? What if every thought, word, action, and choice I had made in regards to Bella and I was wrong? What did that mean?

_So let me make my final point. Do you now understand what happened in the meadow? Think back to what happened and what we talked about and see if you can figure it out. Just maybe, if you can, it may not be too late._

Just like that I was left all alone in my head. There was nothing. It was quiet, it was blank and it was terrifying. I knew I had not succumbed to the numbness, I was too aware of other sensations. But my mind was a blank canvass. So I took all that I had been thinking about. All that was laid at my feet and for the first time, I took my blinders off and really looked at all that I had done. I replayed every word, every nuance from Bella. Looking for the answers I knew was there. When I finally saw the truth, I could no longer shy away from its brilliance. I groaned at my arrogance.

_You're the very best part of my life._

Those were her words. It wasn't that I broke her; it was that when I left I took part of her with me. She was the one who had given a part of herself to our love. She literally poured herself into every choice she made. She did it for _us. _Although she was human, she loved more deeply and more purely than I could ever understand. She had faith in us, enough to sustain us both until I could find some of my own. She trusted in the notion that everything would work out as long as we were together, as long as we were partners.

The rightness of that thought made me cringe and smile. For now I was starting to see how wrong I had been, how arrogant and foolish I had been. How much I had at stake and the realization that it may be too late. I had the love of a lifetime and I never realized it. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to really contemplate going back. Hope began to flare and this time, I did not beat it back. I allowed it to warm me from the inside.

So lost in my thoughts, I never registered the faint ringing in the background, and thus paid it no attention.

**A/N: *peeks out* Sorry for the cliffy.. I hope you enjoyed it.. please leave me a review... they bring me excitement... ok... as always.. teasers to all who leave signed reviews!**


	22. Ch 21 Realization of Regrets

**A/N: I am sorry about how long it has been since I last posted. Real life has gotten in the way. I hope that this chapter makes up for it! The response I received on the last chapter humbled me.. honestly. That chapter was my baby and you guys rocked it with your reviews- to all of you I say THANK YOU! I am sorry if I did not respond to everyone.. FF was being a turd. But it is fixed now... so I will respond and send ya teasers if ya review! Also, some of you know that Ms. Meyer did a little blurb about the call you are about to read about. I'll let ya know I borrowed heavily from that. I did knock some stuff out and rearranged it to match where I had Edward in my story. But I found that her words said it better than I could. I hope you will grant me thie piece of artisitc license.**

**I do not own Twilight, but I do own a brand new pink zip drive that holds all my stories. Enjoy!**

Realization of Regrets

Epiphanies are exhausting and I was still reeling from mine. My body felt like lead weights. My every movement caused me to cringe in pain. I alternated between standing, walking and sitting. I couldn't stand to be in any one position for too long. I had no clue what to do or think. Just because I found the beginning of clarity did not mean I could forget everything else I believed. I had worn my fears and my arrogance like a cloak and it was hard to shed. It was comfortable and I knew how to act and feel in it. Without it I was lost and exposed.

The knowledge of how unfairly I had treated Bella, even though it was unconscious on my part, ate away at me. It was driving me mad that I could be the cause for any of her pain, hurt or fear. I never meant to do it. I was trying to love her in the only way I knew how, as flawed as it was. But how to make it right was the question I was struggling with. On the outside it would seem the easy answer would be to go back. But it has been six months and there has been so much damage. Has there has been too much time that has passed? I feared that it was too much time and that it allowed for hard feelings to solidify and for anger and sadness to become bigger than I could conquer.

What did one say in a situation such as this? 'I am sorry' was wholly inadequate and did not convey the depths of my regret and despair. How did one begin to make reparations? Bella was not the sort of woman where a shiny jewel or expensive gift could erase the most miserable months in her existence. No, she was so much more than that. She was love, passion, truth, light, goodness and faith. Those were things that cannot be restored overnight, even though they took seconds to tear down.

So there I was, in my attic vacillating back and forth between hopping on the next plane home and calling her on the phone and begging. But then I worried, what right did I have to go back? I lied to her, I hurt her. I said things that played to all her insecurities and fears. I was cold and unfeeling and left her all alone. If I had ever wanted to try and earn the right to love her, surely I destroyed with one fell swoop.

No matter the questions and issues that I posed, it all came back to one main point. I needed to find faith. I had to trust in and believe in the love that I held for Bella. I had to trust that if there was a flicker of love that still stood between us that I could fan it and it could once again burn bright. But that leap of faith was monumental. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. Here I was, capable of leaping distances that were super natural and I cowered at a leap of faith.

I knew my problem was that I did not know what was lying in wait in the other side. I no longer had control and for me that was paralyzing. I had always known what others around me were thinking and used that knowledge to my benefit to get the outcome _I _desired. Even when I was human it was easy for me to do that. Rarely had I ever had to hope for the best. If I went back to Bella and laid bare all my insecurities, fears and dreams I would have no foresight into the outcome. I would be just as vulnerable and exposed as she has been the entire time we were together. Could I take a leap of faith on our love? I feared the answer was no. So, then maybe I was willing to take one for Bella. If I was willing to punish myself with pain for sixty or seventy years, I should be able to do it.

I closed my eyes. Immediately a picture of Bella floated in my mind. She was so beautiful. I ached to hold her and talk to her. In vain I tried to search the image for the answers I sought. No, that wasn't true; I had the answers, now I needed the courage to do what I should.

The buzzing of my phone drew me out of my reverie and I was instantly annoyed. This was about the thirtieth call in over twenty-four hours and it was starting to bother me. There was never a message left, just call after call. Part of me wanted to keep ignoring it. There was too much at stake, too much to contemplate. Chances were, it was Alice and she was seeing my indecision and wanted to influence me. I briefly wondered if she had a vision of me going back to Bella and wanted to tell me about it. That idea intrigued me greatly, and I itched to see if I was right. I went so far as to reach for the phone, but dropped my hand at the last instant. No, this was all about faith. It wouldn't be fair; it would be me doing the same old same thing. It was hard to get different results when I keep on doing the same motions.

Hours later and I was still no closer to a choice and I was growing more frustrated at myself. It didn't help that my damn phone had rung about ten more times. I was toying with the idea of just checking up on her, maybe seeing her but her not seeing me. I needed proof that she was either happy or not. I was not prepared to take such a giant leap of faith just yet. Of course that only served to highlight how undeserving I was of her and her love.

The buzzing was happening yet again and in a moment of fury I snatched it open. I barely had time to register that it was Rosalie that was calling and not Alice before I hit the answer button.

"What?" I did not hide the contempt in my voice. Why in the world was she calling? I began to worry that something was wrong with a family member. I could come up with no other reason for her to call me after such a lengthy absence from her life.

"Well, it's about damn time you answered your phone." Her voice was snarky and I once again longed to backhand her. If that was how she responded, I had my serious doubt there was anything pressing she needed to say.

My finger hovered over the end button, prepared to end this call the millisecond I was bored, which could happen relatively quickly.

"I am in no mood for you or your attitude, Rosalie. I will end this call if you don't tell me why you are bothering me." Even over the phone, I could sense the pause.

"Bothering you? That's rich. Sorry to interfere with your massive emo-mood trip." There was edginess to her voice and I had neither the inclination nor desire to figure it out. I did however remain silent and gave her till ten before she really started talking or I hung up. I was at seven when she finally spoke.

"I thought you should know that Alice is in Forks." My eyes narrowed as I tabulated the reasons why she would say this. One, she knew it would stop me from hanging up, therefore prolonging whatever clever torture she wanted to inflict. Two, Alice was in Forks in which case I was going to chew her out. Three, there was something really wrong and she had no way to tell me. I found myself hoping for reason number one.

Not wanting to give anything away I flatly answered her, "What?" My finger still hovered over the end button; I was prepared to do what was needed to save my sanity.

There was a small chuckle, but no humor. "Like you, Alice thinks she knows what's best and has gone meddling." I did not bother to contain the low growl that was building in my chest. I am sure she heard it. But this time my anger moved from Rosalie to Alice. It's no surprise she's there. I was sure she saw me contemplating paths the last few days and decided to take matters into her own hands.

She did not agree with my decision to leave and made no attempts to hide that fact. In the beginning she tried several things to get me to go back. Now, when she sensed that I was weakening, she was trying to force me into a decision I was not sure was entirely right. I banged my head a few times on the wall behind me. I am sure she means well, but this was not her choice to make and I could not help but become irritated with her.

Yet, maybe this was the push I needed and she saw that. She knew I would not make a decision until she did this. But this wasn't how I wanted it to be. I had something to prove to myself, something to prove to Bella and I felt as if it was all being taken from me. But what is done is done I tried to rationalize; maybe I should just go back and begin the long process of begging and pleading.

Vaguely I heard Rose speak and I had to ask her to repeat herself.

"Umm, don't you even want to know why she is there?"

I did not want to answer, but I could not help myself. When it came to anything that remotely concerned Bella I had to know, no matter how trivial it may be.

"No, not really." I tried to sound bored but I don't think I fooled her. I don't think I even fooled myself.

Rose's voice took a tone of arrogance, as if she suddenly had all the answers, but she wasn't going to make it easy to get them.

'Sure you don't. But no worries. It's not as if she's breaking any rules, you know. It was only Bella you warned us to stay away from, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter, it was just Bella." The way she said it, like it was a taunt and a riddle and she held all the pieces but I was still required to put it together. My only thought was that Bella was no longer residing in Forks. I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea.

Part of me was happy; I knew she hated Forks and the lack of sun and the ever present cloud cover. An angel liked her deserved the warmth and the light. But part of me despaired at the thought of her gone. Forks was the one place I would always think of as home and now it would be so empty without her there. Had I really broke her so much that she had to flee? I was sickened at the idea and it made my little meadow scene flash before my closed eyes. I had hurt so bad she had to leave; she had to run away as well.

The silence on my end must have bothered Rosalie, for she continued to talk and she was getting nervous and that made me instantly on edge.

"So you there is no reason to get all angry with her." All I could do was sigh as this was beyond exasperating and I had reached my quota of tolerating Rosalie's little game. My finger began the downward motion to hang up, "But that's not why I called."

"You have ten second to spill it. Say it now or I will hang up and dismantle my phone. Then I just want you to leave me alone." I did not hide my fury. There was viciousness and venom in every word. I had no time for her cruel games and her spite. So I seethed in silence.

"It's…" she paused far too long and I reminded her of my threat.

"Don't push me, you have gone too far."

"Come home Edward, it's time for you to come home. Everyone is so sad and quiet. Esme looks depressed, Emmett mopes and Carlisle is always at work. You have put us through hell long enough and its time that you stop being so selfish."

I literally saw red at her words. How dare she judge me when she has no idea what I have been struggling with for months? Her words also began to unravel all the hard work and progress I had made. Wasn't that what I had said all along, that I was too selfish? The words and doubt float in my brain and I felt so confused.

_No, Rosalie never accepted Bella, she has her own issues. That is your mate. If you ever want to deserve her, you have to fight for what you believe in. _The problem was that I wasn't even sure anymore what I believed in.

"You know, that's real rich coming from you. Don't start pretending you care about me or what I have been going through. I know that you never did and never will care. It's been hell. Do you hear me? IT'S BEEN HELL!" My breath was coming out is gasps from fear, anxiety and anger. My hands were shaking so much the phone was rattling around.

"Well, Edward." Her voice sneered on my name, snarky, bitchy Rose is back , everyone. "While I am sure your moping has been life-altering, I have been dealing with the fall-out of your behavior. Don't you even care how much you have hurt everyone?" I could tell by her tone she honestly believed that I did not know the consequences of my actions. I did and I knew the alternative was far worse. There was no way I could be around them. I stayed silent; I refused to be baited by her.

"I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished, you would get over it."

"Forks was never the problem, Rosalie." The exasperation in my voice was thick, she never understood and she never would. "Just because Bella no longer lives there, doesn't mean it will be any easier. It's better if I stay away, no one would be any happier if I were there."

She was quiet, too quiet and I was immediately panicky, there was something that I was missing, something crucial. "What is it that you are not telling me? Is there something wrong? Carlisle or Esme?" I was unable to keep the anxiety from leaking into my voice and I could not form the questions that were flying in my mind.

"They are fine, for the most part, it's just that…um...I never said that Bella moved."

I replayed our conversation and tried to make sense of everything but it was too muddled and my nerves were shot. What was I missing, what was I failing to understand? My silence must have unnerved Rosalie for she began talking a mile minute.

"They didn't want me to tell you, but I think that's stupid. The quicker you get over this; the sooner things can go back to normal. You can come home; there is no need to mope anymore. Come home so we can be a family. It's all over." She ended on a huff and she was angry, but I had no idea why, even her words were convoluted and nonsensical, almost like she was talking to herself.

"I don't understand." I said each word slowly and succinctly in the hopes she would spit out whatever she had to say.

"She's dead, Edward. Bella is dead. She threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it and reacted and went to Forks, but it was too late. She's with Charlie now." If she said anymore I did not hear it I had hung up and turned off the phone.

No, no…nooo.. over and over those words echoed in my head. Even my head was moving from side to side, trying to shake loose the words that were forever embedded into them. My eyes scanned the attic, almost as if the truth could be discovered on them. No, no, no… there was no way this was happening, there had to be a reason, a understanding that was beyond me but made more sense than the reality I found myself in.

This had to be a joke, I wouldn't put it past Rosalie, and she could be that cruel, she had in her. I needed to verify, to make sure, right? When could I ever trust Rosalie? Never, so I had to prove she was playing a dangerous game. With shaking hands I turned my phone back on and closed my eyes as I dialed the one number I had not called in over six months.

As I listened to it ring I had no clue what I would do if she answered, but I was spared that by a gruff unfamiliar male voice, "Swan residence."

Without hesitation I mimicked my father, "This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. May I speak to Charlie?"

"He's not here." The words were tinged with anger and it threw me for a second. Then I got angry as well, this was life and death.

"Well, where is he then?" I barely contained the snarl from ripping out of my throat.

There was a pause and it went on for longer than I was comfortable with and I felt my body begin to tremble.

"He's at the funeral," was the response. With softness I did not feel, I closed my phone and sank to my knees.

I felt nothing, I heard nothing. I was standing in a void, a vacuum and had no sense of anything, not even of myself. I could feel consciousness at the edge, like any moment reality would crash down upon me and I would drift away. How? When? Why? I couldn't even form a proper question, so they looped endlessly. How? When? Why?

A noise pierced the silence and it hurt, it was a high keening sound and it was agony. Seconds later I pinpointed that it was coming from me, it was emanating deep inside me. Not my chest, not even from my gut, it was coming from that place where I kept my love for her, for Bella. Her name let loose the gates of grief and sadness and I did not stand a chance. I rocked back and forth chanting her name like a prayer. I clawed at my hair trying to pull out the idea that she really was gone. I wrapped myself up to keep from fracturing. Everything felt disconnected, I could not feel my arms or my legs or even my chest, but I knew they were there, because I felt the pain.

Just as quickly as I felt the pain, I was angry, so very angry. How dare Bella leave me all alone? I survived knowing she was out there; living, breathing and human. Now she was no more and I was more alone than I had ever been. Growls and snarls ripped from my chest, I felt the hollowness with such acuteness it was torture. Why did Bella do this to me? Why did she want to hurt me so bad?

The emotions within me morphed and swelled with such speed and relentlessness that I was unable to keep up. They spun me dizzy and left me with no energy, no desire, and no comprehension beyond one simple truth. Bella was dead. With those simple words reverberating in my mind, the chaos stopped and I stood still. An eerie calm settled over me and my path was clear. It was all too simple. Finally, I knew where my path would take me.

I reached for the phone and made my preparations as I left my attic. I did not bother with the bag, just the few items that I required. Where I was going, nothing else was needed. Once outside, the residual heat of the sun wrapped around me like a buffer. It insulated me from everything and I welcomed it. With my call done I flipped my phone into a nearby trash can, I no longer had a need for such an item.

I didn't remember how I got to the airport or even how long I had waited to board. I was unaware if there were other people on board. They were meaningless and outside my realm of understanding. What I did know was that I had only place I needed to be. There I would find my answers, my salvation and perhaps even peace.

Now that I was in the air, I was faced with several hours of uninterrupted time and it made me nervous. I did not want to be left to my thoughts and the emotions churning in my gut. They were unfamiliar and frightening. I needed to focus on the task at hand. It was an unreasonable demand to make on myself, I knew this. But what other alternative did I have?

I closed my eyes against the onslaught of voices in my head. They clamored and rattled around and it only added to the pain. I was having trouble really believing that she was gone. That she was no longer tied to this earth; now, she was a true angel. I could picture her, backlit with an otherworldly light, her hair, long and luscious blowing in a gentle breeze, her face calm, serene. In her eyes I could see warmth and love and peace as she opened her arms to me, beckoning me, welcoming me. _I am coming, love. Please wait for me. _A sob broke free and I held myself closer and it was not nearly enough. I tried to rock gently in the seat, but there was no relief from this movement. I needed her, plain and simple. I _needed _Bella.

_I hope you're happy how things turned out? _

The thought came without warning and I recoiled from it. No, no, I was not happy. This was not how I wanted things to be. She was supposed to _LIVE. _She was meant to grow old, have a life, get married, have children and die after she had lived her life to the fullest. That was all I ever wanted for her, all I dreamed for her. No…it was not supposed to happen this way.

_Do you really think she would forget you? Forget that she loved you? _

I wanted to say 'of course that is what I wanted her to do', but deep down, it would be a lie. Part of me didn't want her to forget me. It was selfish and childish, but, it was true. To hope that in some deep recess of her heart she would store all that we shared and maybe even think upon with fondness, that wasn't too much to want. But in the end, I wanted it to be just a sweet memory, a reminder that there was someone who loved her so completely that he set her free.

_Some freedom you gave her. So much so that she did not want it and jumped off a cliff. _

The idea she jumped because of me was too much to take. I did not want to imagine that, I did not want those thoughts in my head. I pushed my hands into my eyes, willing the images of a broken and bloody body to stay away. But they came fast and furious and I whimpered at the explicitness of them. A face streaked with tears, her face contorted in pain and anguish, a bruised and battered body, her lying so still and pale in a coffin. I could not contain the sobs that wracked my body; I did not want to see anymore.

_I bet Sophia is looking more and more intelligent by the minute, isn't she?_

My head shook of its own volition. There was no way I would admit that, I couldn't.

_Deny it all you want. I know the truth. If she was on the verge of death, you would beg Carlisle to change her. Even more, you wanted to spend an eternity with her. Deep down, where you can't run from the truth, you longed for it. Now that she is gone, you have lost your chance. _

A low moan escaped and I wanted to scream in frustration. Her soul, her soul, this is about her soul! I did not want to change her because she deserved to keep her soul. I could not steal her humanity, her pureness, her light. That would be too selfish. I could not be that selfish, that self-centered. Sophia made a selfish choice, pure and simple. I could never be so selfish.

_Sophia's choice was not selfish; it was born out of a desire to be with the one that she loved. There is no selfishness in wanting to love and to be loved. But you had to fight it all the way; you fought against it and never really accepted it. Now look where you are; no love, no mate. You have your wish; you are alone in this world._

Did I really want to be alone? I did not know anymore. I was confused and so very tired. I had been spinning in circles and was so lost within my own mind that I did not know what was real. I had lived with the pain and sadness for so long that it was all I could remember. There was no beginning or end to it; it was my constant state of being.

Through the haze of my mind I felt a burning of some forgotten truth. My body began to tremble with the force it was putting out. It was clawing its way to the surface but something within me was fighting. I did not know if I should fight or let it come to light. No longer was I in control of myself, I felt oddly detached and removed from everything around me. The feeling of being sucked into a vortex surrounded me. My hearing and vision felt narrowed and diminished. No longer was aware of what was around me. Instead my focus was inward and the notion that something bigger than me was being born.

Somewhere within me, I found the strength to channel all my focus to what was trying to be revealed. It seemed important and so I concentrated. It took willpower and determination, more than I thought I would ever need to expend. Never had I needed to work so hard to figure something out, but this was so beyond me that it demanded all that I had to offer.

What finally surfaced was so true, so honest it left me bleeding and reeling. How was it possible for me to feel dizzy and disorientated? My breathing turned ragged and if I could, I knew I would be sweating. My chest felt tight, constricted and the holes that I had been carved out all these months were oozing and burning. I could not bear this truth, I wasn't strong enough. To give it light and credence would destroy me and everything that I believed to be right. I curled up as tight as I could, I wanted to be invisible.

My mouth began my litany and there was no stopping it. The truth could no longer be held back, it demanded I give it acknowledgement. What used to be the two separate parts of me; the selfish and rational side merged, into one voice, one stream one consciousness that became my new reality all at once.

_I was so wrong. I made a mistake in leaving Bella. I love her and always will. I never wanted to be apart from her; I never wanted to leave her. I wanted her for all eternity; I would never be strong enough to let her die. I was never that strong. All I have ever wanted was her and her love._

My body uncurled as the shock took over. There was no denying this revelation. Each word was truth; brutal and raw truth. It was interrupted by a voice over the intercom as our arrival in Florence, Italy was announced. I closed my eyes and hung my head in supplication, and for the first time in close to eighty years, I began to pray that God would have mercy on me and allow me to see Bella once again.

**A/N: Gasp! We are now in Italy. Soo what did ya think? As always I respond to all signed reviews and even give ya teaser on the next chapter! Please leave me some love!**


	23. Ch 22 Begging for an End to it All

**A/N: Soo sorry for the delay.. real life gets in the way... But I can make a promise that there will be an update once a week for the next 2 weeks! If I can get my writing done sooner.. that may happen every week.. we will see!**

**A big hug and kiss to Sarah for helping hash out some of the finer details. **

**To all that have stuck with this story and left me amazing reviews- you ROCK! I get all giddy when I see reviews in my email!**

**Once agian, I do not own Twilight or the characters.. I do own a kick butt wrist brace that has helped me keep typing. ENJOY!**

Begging for an End to it All

Once outside the city of Florence, I paused to look around. The landscape before me was beautiful and peaceful. I felt serene. Ever since that horrible day in September, I had been plagued with guilt, loss, anger, pain and sadness. Each step and each mile moved me farther and farther away from Bella and made the feelings intensify. I fought a losing battle each and every day that I was apart from her. It took months of denial and one devastating phone call for me to realize the terrifying truth. I had committed a grave injustice against Bella. I lied to her, hurt her, betrayed her and worse of all I failed her. I failed to keep her safe; I failed to keep her alive.

Now that I have seen the error of my ways and a plan in place to rectify them, I could finally feel at ease. I did not know what waited for me. Would I burn forever and have no everlasting peace? Perhaps I would float away into nothingness? What I did not want to hope for, but was powerless to stop wishing for, was the idea that I would see her again. That some merciful deity would take pity on me and my wretched existence and allow me to share some sort of afterlife with my Bella. I knew I did not deserve such a reward, but I could not stop hoping that I would be granted it.

I slowly made my way to Volterra, letting the fragrant countryside envelope me, cocooning me against the rest of the world. I had never been to Italy before and so I allowed my eyes to drink up the beauty before me. There were rolling hills and quaint villages nestled into the sides of the hills. The colors were bright and different from Forks. Here it was warmth and sun, rich browns and vibrant terra cotta. I could smell the vines heavy with grapes, a variety of spices perfumed the air as well. The residual heat was just being cooled by the night and the beginnings of low fog dotted the land.

I had no clue what I would be walking into when I finally arrived in Volterra. I had heard the stories from Carlisle. There were three ruling heads; they had a main guard and many others in service to them. Out of the three, only Aro and Marcus had gifts. I was leery of Aro's gift. I did not like the idea that he could read every though I had ever had. I knew I had to avoid touching him at all costs. I wanted to keep Bella to myself. They did not need to know about her.

My thoughts turned toward my best course of action. Maybe there was a way for me to get my desired outcome without having to actually go in front of the Volturi. It was safe to surmise that acting in a way that would draw attention to the possibility of vampires would result in them acting in a swift and absolute manner. That seemed to be the result I wanted to achieve. I could lift a car over my head in a crowded city street. I am sure that would more than cause them to react. Part of me worried what would happen to the humans that would witness my show of strength. I had no doubt that they would become a snack for the Volturi and I could not have that happening.

I toyed with the idea of attacking a member of the guard. It could be done without any human witnesses and who knows, it may allow me to take a few guard members with me. Now that idea pleased me immensely. My only problem with my plan was that I wasn't familiar with the guard. I did not know their strengths and weakness, nor if they possessed any gifts. While my mind reading provided me with a certain edge, I am sure that it's not the ultimate edge.

I knew I wouldn't be attacked by any of the bodyguards. They would stay with the Volturi themselves; they would be the more powerful ones. Still, I was more than certain that most members of the guard would have some gift, some power that would be useful in a fight. Chances are that is why they belonged to the guard.

I mulled over the different possible scenarios that would bring me face to face with the guard and sadly, I was coming up lacking. I did not think to question Carlisle on how one would confront the guard, or the typical protocol for paying a visit to the Volturi. So everything I was doing would have to be spontaneous. It was in that thought that I finally thought of my family. I wondered if Alice had seen my decision and what she was thinking. Did the rest of my family know as well? My only comfort came with the notion that if Alice was in Forks with Charlie, then maybe she would not be so focused on me.

I wanted to feel sorrow for any pain that I would cause my family, but it was hard. This felt so right. I needed to be where was or at least die trying. She was no longer part of this earthly plane; there was no reason for me to exist on it as well. She was my sole reason for being, for striving towards the ideal; she was my reason for being. Her heartbeat echoed in my cold one, her warmth radiated to me, thawing me like nothing else. Her love set me free from the prison I had built and allowed me to believe in something good.

In a matter of minutes I would be standing outside Volterra and I still had no real solid plan on what I was going to do. I needed to focus and come up with a plan, any plan. I have remained too long on this earth without Bella, it all needed to end. As the minutes ticked by and I saw the walled fortress that was Volterra I realized I should be a man and ask for my death. There would be no reason why Aro would need to touch my hand. I would make a request of him and if he should question me further, I could always read his mind to figure out the best way to placate him. With that in mind I walked calmly and resolutely towards Volterra.

I had no doubt that once my presence was made known I would be escorted to meet Aro. I entered the city walls and took in the site before me. Dark sand colored walls rimmed the city; they were more decorative than useful as a deterrent. The main castle held several turrets and was beautiful in the night sky. It definitely had an air of authority and distinction. There was no one around and I took time to study the plaza. There was a stunning fountain in the center of the plaza and the water's calming babble soothed me even further. On the northern side there was the famous clock tower. The city was decorated in red, everywhere. Banners hung from the castle and draped over all the lamp posts; it looked like dripping blood. For some odd reason it unsettled me.

I squared my shoulder and continued towards the castle. From Carlisle's memories I knew there was a main door and that was where I headed. I had not made it too much further when I heard two unfamiliar thoughts. From what I could make out, they were part of the guard and they had been alerted to my presence. I stopped and waited for them.

Seconds later they were both standing in front of me. They both wore dark grey cloaks and the hoods had been pushed back and rested on their backs. One was bigger than the other and more bulky. He reminded me of Emmett. The other was a bit leaner, not as tall and he seemed a bit more composed than his companion. The short one greeted me.

"Welcome to Volterra. May I be of assistance to you tonight?" While his tone and mannerism were polite and calm, I sensed there was something else about him. His thoughts did not give anything away. He was focused on me and me alone.

I nodded towards him before I responded, "I am here to see your masters."

The other one chuckled and it was not friendly in the least. _Who does this kid think he is barging in here and asking to see Aro? _He made to take a step towards me but was halted by the one who greeted me.

"I am Demetri and this is Felix." He gestured to him and I saw the scowl that he wore. "May I inquire as to you who are?"

"Cullen, Edward Cullen." I was hoping that one or both of these men knew of or heard of my father and his history with Aro. Otherwise I may have to resort to my other idea of attacking the guard. Either way, I was prepared to die tonight. I held my gaze on Demetri but I watched Felix out of the corner of my eye. I didn't trust him, he looked constantly on edge. Both of their thoughts gave away that they had heard of Carlisle and they both glanced to my eyes. I was not sure what color they would be as I did not remember the last time that I had eaten.

Demetri gestured to the castle behind him, "Follow us please. Aro would be most delighted to meet with you." He then spun on his heel and began walking across the courtyard and towards the castle. Felix walked behind me. We were a short distance from our destination when I realized what I was sensing from Demetri, he was a tracker and he was cataloging me. His ability was fair superior to James. He actually could sense the brainwave patterns and that is how he 'found' people. Once he captured that pattern, he would always be able to find whoever he was looking for. I wanted to tell him he needed not bother; I wasn't going to be around long enough for him to use it.

As we walked Felix was busy trying to figure out what I wanted. He had heard stories of Carlisle and wondered what the big deal was. I felt a momentary twinge of remorse that he was judging Carlisle by me and my actions. For a brief second I had doubts of what I should do. I did not want to ruin the name of Cullen by what I did. But then I remembered that Bella was dead and my resolve kicked in; I had no other choice. I could not continue to exist if she did not. It was just that simple.

The rest of the walk was silent, in that neither of them talked to me and I was grateful for that. I used the time to gather my thoughts. It was in that silence that I realized I had another purpose in keeping Aro's hands off me. It wasn't only because I did not want him to know of Bella, I didn't want him to know that my family knew of her as well. I knowingly broke the rules, my entire family did. But they did that for me and I owed it to them to try and keep them safe. I failed to keep Bella safe, I would keep my family safe, it was the least I could do for them.

We entered the compound through a side door that was not that obvious. Demetri opened the door and I walked in behind him. All around was the dark stone of the walls. Water slowly trickled down and I could smell the dankness of it all. The sounds of our shoes echoed and it was the only sound that the three of us made. The tunnel went for some time and then led to a wrought iron gate, the hinges made no noise letting me to know this was a common entry point. We filed through and Felix slammed the door behind us. The clanging of the door had an ominous sound, but since I was not planning on needing an exit I shook away the feeling. Minutes later we were standing in a carpeted area that had the look of a waiting room in a business office.

The carpet was thick and plush. The lightening was soft and there were several paintings scattered on the walls. There was a dark desk that sat a few feet away from a set of elevators. Demetri led us to them and pushed a button which opened one of them. I wanted to laugh when I heard the music in the elevator, it was very clichéd. Seconds later the doors opened to a wide hall with tiled floors. At the end of the hall was a set of dark paneled doors. The walls of the hall were lined with sculptures and frescoes. I was certain that each piece was an original.

Demetri paused before the doors, glancing once more at me. His thoughts were confused; he was trying to figure out what I could do here, especially given who I was. I glared back at him, not feeling the need to justify my reasons for being here. I did not need to satisfy his curiosity. With no other words spoken, he threw open the doors and gestured for me to enter in.

It was a light and airy room. The windows were situated high on the walls and the floors were pattered marble. The walls held mosaics of all kinds. There were several other vampires in the room. A small girl with pale brown hair and dirty red eyes glared from one side of the room. Close by her was a boy slightly taller than her and with hair that was a touch darker. Seeing them side by side you could tell they were related as humans.

Felix stayed close by me as Demetri strode over to another door across the room and exited. Just opposite of the door were three chairs, actually they looked more like thrones. They were made of wood and had a high back with intricate designed carved into them. The cushions were made of a red fabric that had silver woven throughout it. Since it was still late in the evening, there were several wall sconces that held light as well as recessed lighting throughout the room. The effect was made to look and feel calming, but it placed me on edge.

A few minutes later and Demetri returned through the same door and behind him came the ruling masters I had heard about. Aro led the group and fixed his stare on me the second he entered the room. _Cullen, I wonder if he knows of Carlisle. It would be nice to hear how my old friend is doing and if he has continued on his most unusual diet. _He calmly took the middle throne.

Caius was next and he had a scowl on his face and is thoughts were just as angry. He was partaking in a personal opera performance and did not like being disrupted. However he was just as curious about me as Aro was. He took the throne to Aro's left.

Marcus was the last to enter and if I didn't know his story, I would feel that he was bored. However, I knew that he had lost his mate a long time ago and that had nearly destroyed him. His thoughts were apathetic at best and he barely took notice of me. Carlisle often used Marcus' reaction to losing his mate to explain the way we were when we mated. Being separated from Bella for so many months and then the pure agony to know she was dead, I could emphasize with Marcus. I hoped that he would be my biggest ally and would help sway the others to grant my request. When he was finally seated on the last chair, all three of them finally looked at me.

Aro was the first to notice the color of my eyes and knew that I either knew Carlisle or was at least part of his coven. He was most eager to talk to me and he was even more excited by the idea of touching me and seeing everything for himself. It was the first time I cursed my eyes. For a fraction of a moment, I wished I had slipped, just so my eyes would not betray me. But just as soon as I thought that, I was repulsed and angered by it. There was no shame in my choice of diet and there was no shame in claiming to be a Cullen. I was proud of Carlisle and the life he tried to build and the way he conducted himself. I strove to make him proud and although I know I failed in that, I would not die feeling sorry for anything he tried to teach me.

I stood up straighter under their penetrating gaze. I would show no weakness. Knowing that Aro held most of the power, I focused on him and his thoughts. _I am most curious as to why we have a visitor, especially one that subscribes to his way of living. I wonder how many others are out there that are like him. Does Carlisle have a purpose for gathering others?_

I was surprised my Aro's line of thought and for a brief second, almost troubled by it. I brushed it aside, as there was nothing I could do about it. Instead I was more determined to make sure that Aro never touch my hand. I wanted to keep my entire family safe; it felt imperative that I do.

"Welcome to Volterra. I was told that you are Edward Cullen? Is this correct?" Aro's tone was polite, but it was the tenor of his thoughts that had me on edge. He wanted me to know of Carlisle, he was anxious for it.

"Yes, I am Edward Cullen." I said no more. Whatever he wanted to know he would have to come right out and ask it of me. I wasn't going to volunteer anything. He was on a strictly needs to know basis and all he needed to know was that I wanted to end my existence.

"Let me introduce my brothers to you." He gestured to his left, "This is Caius and this is Marcus." His other hand did a sweeping gesture to his right. "I know you have met Demetri and Felix, so let me also introduce Jane and Alec." He motioned towards the small girl and boy I had seen as I entered the room. Both nodded stiffly. I was surprised to see a sneer on Jane's face. When I honed in on her thoughts, it turned out she was worried I was here to ask for a place in the guard. "What can we do for you tonight? I must say it is most unusual for us to be sought out. Do you wish to become a member of our guard?"

I bit back a retort. Aro's thoughts were quite hungry for information. He hoped by being gracious and accommodating, he would get to know everything I knew about Carlisle. I was curious; could Aro be jealous of Carlisle? Again, I pushed aside the nagging thoughts, I needed to stay focus and level headed.

"Thank you for seeing me. I appreciate your kindness. I came to ask your help, a simple request if you will." I paused and took a deep cleansing breath. I wasn't hesitating, no, I knew this is what I wanted, but I need a moment to center myself. I knew whatever I said next would play a part in the decision if they will help. I needed to show them that this is what I wanted beyond a shadow of a doubt, this was destiny. "I wish for you or a member of your guard to destroy me." My word echoed in the room, they were clear and there was no mistaking the honesty in them as well. I kept my eyes on Aro, I would not let my gaze waver, and I would show that I mean what I say.

Aro's eyes widen in surprise and shock, he had never heard of such a request in all of his years. Even Marcus perked up briefly and gazed over at me. In my peripheral Caius' scowl grew more pronounced, his thoughts we more scathing. _A vampire asking to die? That is absurd. His immortality is a gift, but then if he is one of Carlisle's maybe he has gone mad._

"Well my young visitor that is quite an unusual request. Let me ask you, who is your creator?" I had no idea why that mattered at this time, but it was a question that was bound to come up.

"Carlisle Cullen has been my creator, father and mentor for over eighty years." Let them all hear the pride and joy I take in claiming him as my creator. There was unmistakable pleasure in Aro's mind when he heard me confirm what he believed. He even clapped his hands.

"My dear Edward it pleases me that you are well acquainted with him." With that he rose from his chair and moved towards me, his hand outstretched. I knew what he was trying to do and I needed to deflect him. I shoved my hands in my pocket. Aro narrowed his eyes in suspicion. _He appears unwilling to allow me to touch him. I wonder what he is hiding. _

"Please, we should go and talk of my old friend." He continued his advancement towards me. I kept my hands in my pocket.

"If it is all the same, I'd rather get back to my request. I am aware of the time that Carlisle had spent here with you; he has told me many stories. I know that he enjoyed his time with you, even with your differencing philosophies." I took a step back, keeping a distance between us.

I was sure it did not escape his notice that I basically let him know that I was aware of his gift and that then confirmed that I was trying to avoid him using it on me. For every move I made, he made one to shadow me. I tried to not move before he did, but it was almost like instinct and Aro was noticing.

_I wonder what he is hiding or maybe the question should be what is Carlisle hiding? _I hated the idea that Aro felt Carlisle was hiding something from him, when it was me. But there was no way to deflect the attention back to me. Aro was set to discover what Carlisle has been up to and he knew to do that he needed to touch me.

Again, he tried to be diplomatic, "Come young one, and let us sit. You can catch me up with my friend and we can discuss your request." One of his arms was gesturing to another door while the other was trying to maneuver closer enough to touch me.

I was growing weary of the games. Each second that I remained in existence was one less second I had to be with Bella, or at least try and find my way back to her. That thought alone made me furious and therefore led me to be less than gracious to my hosts.

"If it all the same to you Aro, I would prefer we discuss my request. If you feel the need to check-up on Carlisle, than I suggest that you call him. I am sure he will be delighted to hear from you." I knew that I should regret my tone and my words, but I was beyond caring about anything other than ending this miserable excuse for a life. If I had to provoke someone in this room in to destroying me, I had no qualms about doing it.

Aro's eyes narrowed as I went off on my little rant. He was less than pleased with my tone and found me extremely petulant. Caius let out a low hiss at my callousness and moved forward as if he was ready to strike. It was then that I became aware of the shifting dynamics in the room. Felix had begun to move closer and I could feel Jane's eyes as they tracked my movement. The sudden feeling of being way outnumbered made itself apparent and there was nothing I could do. I felt cornered and threatened and in my heightened emotional state, I acted far too rashly.

Somehow, I was also perceived as a threat and as Aro stepped back, I heard Felix's thoughts and moved out of his way. I spun to face him but as I did my entire body erupted into pain. I screamed in agony as my body felt like it was being shredded and dipped in acid. I swore that the venom in my veins was boiling and I was being incinerated. My head pounded and throbbed and I realized I could not move. I felt Felix's grasp and then my hand being placed into Aro's. Once that happened, the pain stopped but Felix just tightened his grip.

Once the pain had vacated my brain, I felt Aro's intrusion and I was forced to watch as my entire life played out for him. In an instant he knew about my gift and that as he is pawing through my mind, I was listening in to every thought he has about it. I wanted to laugh, but the memories he was digging into in my brain were personal.

I watched my first years as a newborn with Carlisle and the struggles I had with my gift. He saw as Carlisle turned Esme and the fell in love with her. My rebellious years were laid bare and I wanted to vomit as I was forced to endure the pain and torment. I struggled uselessly then; I did not want to relive it. I barely made it out of there alive. Sadly, Aro's thoughts about that period in my life were rather blasé and no where nearly as repulsed as I was by it. He watched as Rosalie and then Emmett was drawn into our family.

He saw our moves and our attempts at blending in. He watched high school and college graduations and the closeness we shared as a family. When he got to the point where Alice and Jasper joined, he was instantly curious and a tad envious. He clamped down on those rather quickly when he realized I noticed. He watched as Alice's vision's played in my head and saw the influence of Jasper's gift. He was unable to hide the immense pleasure he took in seeing how their gifts work. Again, envy and jealousy snuck through his thoughts.

I stiffened when he got to Bella's first day of school and all that happened since that day. Part of me was happy to see these memories play out, allowing me another chance to be with her. But to have him witnessing them, it left me feeling violated. He watched all the tender kisses and caresses, all the times we spent in the meadow. All the night I stayed and watched her sleep. Each tender promise and vow we spoke echoed in my brain, reminding me of how I failed her.

I could not help the whimper of pain as I watched myself run towards the ballet studio only to find Bella's bleeding and broken body. He felt the pull of the monster as I sucked out the venom and saved her life. I tried to stop the images associated with her birthday. _No….no... Stop... I don't want to see that again. Just please stop._

I knew I was begging but I didn't care, I could not stand to watch as I threw her across the room or listen to Jasper's snarls as furiously tried to kill her. But Aro was not willing to grant me mercy and I was forced to watch it unfold again. My head shook from side to side and I could not help the sobs that wracked my body. It was painful to experience it the first time, but now it was downright devastating. So I did the only thing I could to help me cope.

_I am so sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. So very sorry, my love._

Over and over that was my mantra. I needed something to anchor me, to keep me grounded. I feared that if I became overwhelmed with emotion I would succumb to the darkness and I did not want to do that now. My sobs grew in intensity as he watched me break her heart. After my little revelation earlier I could see how she took my words. I watched as my lies erased every declaration of love and devotion in one swoop. I watched as hurt and resignation and despair played across her face. I truly broke my Bella.

He watched as the obsession of searching for Victoria consumed me and witnessed as I slowly gave into my despair in losing Bella. Once again, every painful moment of being without her was paraded in my mind. I observed as I went crazy and the way my family saved me, to the times I tried to play the hero and my final epiphany only a few short hours ago.

However, I would have gladly let him keep all that on a permanent repeat if it meant I never had to relive the call from Rosalie and hear those words again. I tried to pull myself into some deep dark place in the hopes that I could distance myself from that memory. But there was no place to run or hide, my every last painful thought and emotion was wrenched from me. By the end of it, I was spent and I found myself on the floor as both Aro and Felix released me.

"It seems here as if Mr. Cullen has been holding out on us. Not only is he gifted, but it seems he has fallen in love with a human and that human has died. Now he is requesting that we end his life." There was no mistaking the glee in Aro's words. The smile on his face was not meant to be charming or even happy, it was conniving and spiteful.

"What do you mean?" Caius was immediately suspicious. I pulled myself off the floor and glared at Aro.

"Carlisle found himself a mind reader, my dear brothers. However, unlike me, he does not need touch. You're reading us now aren't you, Edward?"

I was, but my focus was on Marcus. He reacted when Aro told them about Bella and he was remembering his mate that had died. If there was ever a chance that my request was to be granted, it had to be now. Like I said before, I was no opposed to begging.

"Marcus, you understand why I am asking to die. She was my mate as well. Help them understand. Aro has seen the pain I have been in since I left and how useless I have been." I turned to them all, "Please just help me die."

I turned once again towards Marcus; he was my last saving grace. If there was anyone who could understand my pain and the hell I was going through, it would be him. Through his eyes I saw the pleading look I was giving him. His thoughts were one of compassion and empathy, he at one time wanted to die after the death of his mate. Now, after all these years, he was barely functioning. I didn't want to turn out like him.

Turning towards Aro and Caius, I sent out a wordless plea. Both regarded me quietly. Caius was the less guarded of the two. His thoughts were one of disgust and contempt. He did not understand how a vampire could fall in love with a human; in fact he still had trouble with the idea of us not feeding on them. To him that made me and my family weak and not worthy of the vampire label. Aro was cautious and guarding his thoughts quite well. An eerie feeling crept up my spine and I felt uneasy in his presence.

"We need time to deliberate your request. We shall escort you to a room while you await our decision. Felix and Alec will escort you." He motioned to them and in a flash they were upon me. I tried to maneuver out of Felix's grasp, but I suddenly found myself without my sight. I stumbled and Felix caught me again. The feeling of foreboding became stronger as I walked out the chamber doors. Slowly my sight came back to me and by the time we had walked across the castle to another smaller room, it was completely back. Felix threw me in the room and Alec walked in after me.

When the door was shut, Alec turned towards me, "You should get comfortable, we may be awhile."

"Why? It shouldn't take long for them to decide. Why are you here?" I caught his thoughts a second too late.

"I am here to keep you from hearing what you shouldn't" With that said, everything went black.

**A/N: *peeks out* Sorry about the cliifie.. but remember there WILL be an update next wek.. I PROMISE! So.. please leave me some love? PLEASE! I give teasers to everyone one that gives me a signed review!**


	24. Ch 23 Best Laid Plans Updated Chapter!

**A/N: Ok.. I didn't realize that by swapping chapters no alert would go out to those who read the wrong chapter... so I am fixing that. So... some of you are getting alerted to a chapater you already read because I personally alerted you to it. Others, check it out to make sure you have read it. I hope this will be the last fix on this chapter- Soo sorry for all the mix ups!**

Best Laid Plans

There was nothing, just silence and blackness. It was comforting and disarming all at the same time and I didn't know what to think about it. I could not hear, see, smell or touch anything. It was like I was in a sensory deprivation chamber, floating aimlessly. This must be Alec's power and what a powerful one it was. I could see why Aro had him. After a few seconds I knew it was fruitless to fight against it, I could not move. So I sat in the silence and thought.

It was natural for my thoughts to turn towards Bella and I was thankful I could not move. That meant I did not have to cry. But then I was left to wallow in my grief. How could I have left her, all alone and suffering? Too late did I finally realize the awfulness of my choices, and here was my bitter consequence. My leaving did no good; it did not serve its intended purpose. I had completely and utterly failed Bella. I lost the only good thing I had ever experienced in this world. It seemed natural that my only recourse was to beg for death.

I worried about their deliberations. I was unsure if I had reached them with my plea. Only Marcus would truly understand the depths of my pain and despair. But somehow I worried that his centuries of apathy left him unwilling or maybe unable to find sympathy. Maybe he was forever locked into his own grief. His thoughts were calm, but rather empty. Instead his mind felt muddled and hazy as if he was thinking through a thick fog.

However, my biggest concern lay with Aro. It appeared that the final decision would come down to him, regardless of what his brothers thought and that terrified me. I was not accustomed to having my fate lie in another's hands. Maybe that was why I struggled so much with Bella. Since the second I laid eyes on her, she held my life in her hands. Even now, after her death, my life rests with her. As she found peace in death, I hope to find comfort or at least an ease to my pain.

Not knowing how much time has passed I contemplated what to do if they should refuse my request. Without a doubt I knew I was willing to do whatever it took to end my existence. I made that vow to Bella months ago. She died, I died. It was as simple as that. If there was one thing I would follow through on, it would be this. I could not fail her once again.

If they refused me and kept me within the walls of Volterra I would attack. If I just went after a guard member they would be ordered to subdue me, but possibly not kill. I could ascertain that once I began my attack. If that was the case, I would go after to Aro. Chances are he would have the most bodyguards and they would have the strongest powers. They could not let me live if I dared attack one of the rulers. It would undermine their authority and they would need to make an example out of me. I was fine with that as long as it ended in my demise. I was not picky about the how, just that it happened.

I was surprised about the calm that I felt with that decision made. It was simple, ridiculously easy. Maybe I felt that way because it was the right one to make. Since Bella has come into my life I had second guessed my every thought, emotion, decision and action. I have been living so cautiously and with such reservation. The consequences to all that I did were great, they could end with Bella severely injured or even worse, dead. That could not happen by my hand, there would be no way I could live with myself if that happened. But I did not need to worry about that anymore; she was gone, for forever.

In an attempt to move my thoughts from diving deeper into that pool of pain, I thought about the other options I had. If they refused me and allowed me to leave, I needed a plan. I needed to do something that would make them take action. No hesitation, just straight out take me down and out. It was what I wanted, needed. There needed to be an end to the pain, I had to hold onto hope that there was. Nothing could be worse than living in a world she did not exist in, nothing. If they released me, I would have to take my time and plan. I needed to make sure there was no other option but for them to destroy me. I would accept nothing less. There would be no compromising.

What if they granted my request? I did not feel trepidation or remorse, instead I felt relief. There would be an end in sight and I relished that idea. Quickly my mind turned towards what it would be like after. Would I get to see her, if for a briefest moment? I knew she was among the angels and I had no guarantee that I would be allowed where she was. Did I dare hope that would happen? Oh, how I wanted that hope, it would make things easier. However, I did not think the small gestures I had made in the last few months were enough to erase even a portion of my karmic debt. There was too much stacked against me. There was too much blood and death that stained not only my hands, but my very existence.

It was an almost certainty that the judgment I would face will find me lacking and headed straight to hell. But if I was given a chance to speak, I would ask to see her one last time, just to tell her sorry and that I always loved her. One last chance was what I would beg for, not to spend eternity with her. Just a chance to correct the greatest wrong I had ever committed. If I was granted that, I could find my peace. She was my peace, she was my heart, and she was my home. I knew that now, I understood, finally. It was too late to do anything about, but I could die knowing all that she was to me. I could acknowledge it in my heart.

I was growing impatient with them keeping me in this suspended state, it was unnecessary. Although I was unaware of how much time was passing, I was confused by why it was taking any amount of time. It was a simple request with only two possible outcomes: yes or no. But deep down I had a sinking feeling that Aro was going to make this anything but simple. His thoughts were very careful and specific. I intrigued him and a part of him was jealous of my gift. Even though his was more powerful, I had potential that his did not have. He was extremely interested in Alice. I can only hope that once they are finished with me, he will not seek her out.

In that moment I realized how little I had thought about my family. I wanted to feel guilty, but I had long been unable to feel anything other than grief, sadness and pain. I knew without a doubt that Alice would have seen me and my decisions. She may even have know now what they will decide. But I was unable to drag up any real concern. I knew that when word reached them of my demise they will be saddened. I may even say devastated. But they had to understand that I could not function without her. All except Rose, she did not get it and never would. But my parents, Alice, Jasper and especially Emmett have to realize I could never exist now. They all saw how bad I was, how unhinged I was, and they could not expect me to function like that for all eternity. Even they would not be that cruel.

So lost in my musings about my family, I failed to realize right way when light began to penetrate the darkness. It came in vary degrees of intensity until I had full visual capabilities. I saw Alec in front of me. He smiled and once again gradual hearing resumed until I could hear the humming of noises all around me. Alec was busy reciting poems in Latin and then he spoke.

"The masters would like to see you again. Felix and I will take you to them. We expect that you will cooperate completely. Is that understood?" I gave him a curt nod and then all of my senses were returned back to me. Although there were no tense muscles, I still stretched and rolled my back and arms. I just felt the urge to make any movement after being deprived for so long.

As soon as I was ready, I followed Alec out of the room with Felix right behind me. I scanned their thoughts to see if they knew of the final decision but found that they knew nothing. Alec's mind was relatively calm; it was an easy place to be. Felix on the other hand was itching for a fight. He was bored and restless and was more than willing to grant me my request. I stored that away for later use. If the situation arose, I knew that provoking Felix would be easy.

We traversed through dimly lit corridors and hallways. They were lined with sculptures and paintings that at any other time I would love to spend time looking at. Many I would even bet were originals. Trying to keep myself calm, I played Bella's lullaby in my head. The once calming and soothing melodies now seemed to haunt and even mock me. But I still found a sense of peace in the familiar cords. I keep the melody running on a continuous loop as we re-entered the room from earlier.

The three of them were already seated. Their expressions blank. Their minds were filled with translations, songs and random lists. They were blocking me from discovering what their decision is and it left me feeling uneasy.

Aro stood up to greet us as we entered, "Welcome back my dear Edward." Feeling that I would be unable to be cordial, I simply nodded in his direction and fixed him with my glare. He chuckled at my less than enthused greeting.

"I am sorry that it took us a while to come to a decision. My brothers and I have differing ideas of what we would like to see as the outcome." Marcus gave no indication that he disagreed with Aro's assessment. Caius however snorted in disbelief and in the brief second I saw a flash of their discussion. There were only flashes and they were disjointed. The feeling I got from them was that Caius was all for granting my request. My head swiveled to look at Caius directly.

"I can see you disagree with Aro's description. I also see that you wanted to grant my request. So by your reactions, I guess you were out voted." I turned an incredulous looks back at Aro. "Am I incorrect Aro?"

In that moment, I saw that they had no intention of agreeing to destroy me. My eyes narrowed in anger and frustration. Why would they refuse me? There was no valid reason for them to deny me, unless they were fearful of Carlisle's reaction. I was at a loss to determine if that was a correct assessment. Surely my father would be upset and saddened by my death. But, I had no idea if he would hold Aro responsible. Knowing Carlisle's peaceful and forgiving disposition, he would be unable to hold anyone but me responsible. That was how I wanted it to be. This was my choice, my life and I wanted to end it.

Aro was slowly shaking his head. "Edward, would you hear us out, please?" I could hear the arguments that were piling up, but I decided to allow him to speak his mind. I gave him a slight nod for him to continue.

"I am rather intrigued by your gift. It is a useful one to have. To destroy you over a human girl, well, I find that wasteful. Perhaps you would be willing to forgo death and instead join our family? I understand your diet and I would be respectful of it, just as I was when Carlisle was with us. You could be a great asset to our family."

I bristled at Aro classifying Bella as just a human. She was my mate, my friend, my confidant; she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. How hard was that for anyone to understand? They all had mates; did they not believe that she was mine? To me that truth seemed undeniable. Looking over at Marcus, he gave no indication that he was either pleased or put out by the offer of joining them. Caius however was more than willing to comply. He was more upset that I had exposed our world to a human and in his mind that meant death to me, even if the human was no longer living.

I took a few deep and quiet breaths before I spoke, but the anger still leaked through, "I will decline your offer to join this family." I could not help the sneer from coming out.

They had no idea of the concept of family. Family was built on love, trust and respect. All they had here was fear, power and a misplaced sense of belonging. I had experienced the love of parents, both human and vampire. I had lived with the closeness of siblings and all that came with it. I had been transcended by love, so sweet and pure, that I hardly felt worthy of it. No one in this room had ever experienced such a life, and chances were they never would. No, there was no place for me here.

While I had a feeling it would go without saying, I felt the need to warn them. "Your denial of my request will not deter me from what I set out to do. I plan on making this my last day of existence." Even without touching my hand, Aro could sense the meaning in my words. I would do whatever I needed to do to force their hand. Aro saw the other possible ideas that had floated in my mind as I ran here. He should not underestimate the determination I had to follow Bella.

"Again, I would ask that you reconsider any plans that you may have. You could be a valued member of my guard." There was no mistaking the warning in Aro's tone. "Before you make any rash decisions, please know that we must uphold the law. We cannot afford to show leniency."

I hear you loud and clear, I thought to myself. If I forced their hand they would act. "Am I free to go?" My voice was short and emotionless.

With a rather dramatic sigh, Aro nodded his head. "If you wish to reconsider, please do not hesitate to come back. We will welcome you joyously."

I could not help the snort that escaped.

"I do not think I would ever reconsider, I am not used to living my life as a pawn." Aro smirked at my sudden outburst of attitude, but gestured for Felix to show me out. As we walked, Felix was not shy in issuing a warming to me. _We will be watching and I have no qualms about punishing any rule breakers. _

That was exactly what I was counting on; I gave him a curt nod as I walked past him and into the early morning air. I glanced at the clock tower and realized I had a few hours before sunrise. To say I was disappointed in the Volturi in forcing me to take matters into my own hand was an understatement. Or maybe I did not really give much credence to their need for power. Either way, I was now forced to figure out how best to push them into having no other choice but to destroy me.

Whatever I chose, it needed to be a big enough violation that they would have to destroy me on the spot, and there could be no room for any other possibility. I walked the streets of Volterra and watched as workers scrambled to add more red banners. From the mind of the workers, today was St. Marcus' Day. The irony was not lost on me. The day was to celebrate the city being rid of vampires and in this modern day and age, it translated to a celebration for the town's police force. How little did the humans suspect that the vampire the day was named after was real and lived not too far from where the festivities would take place.

From Aro's thoughts and stories that I heard from Carlisle, the Volturi loved their laws and rules. So much so, that they never hunted in their city limits. Their food was brought in from all over the place. I found the practice disgusting. I continued to roam, not really knowing what I was going to do or where I was going.

I found myself in a small country side outside the city and sat down by a small grove of trees. I was feeling worn out, emotionally. I had nothing much left in me. For the last few days I existed off of highs and lows and the longer I did that, the more depleted I felt. I had no capacity to feel guilt or concern. Happiness and joy were completely foreign to me. All that left me with was tremendous amounts of pain and sadness.

I closed my eyes, wishing that I could sleep. Maybe then, I could escape the torment that I had been living in since I left home. Then I could dream of Bella. We could be happy, together and in love once again. We could finally love each other to our fullest capability. I wouldn't care of she was human or vampire, I just want to love her, to have her know that I loved her and always would.

Not knowing if the day was going to be sunny, I headed back to the city and began making plans. I went back to the first few plans I made. I could throw a car over a wall, or move something as equally as heavy. However, for that to happen, I would want a huge audience, the more witnesses the more likely the guard would act swiftly.

I wandered the city looking for a suitable place and auto, but found nothing that would satisfy me that the guard would act. For the next few hours, in the shadows of the city's buildings I searched for the appropriate action. I could showcase my speed, but it was undetectable to humans, I could utilize my strength and reflexes, but again, it's hard to make it discernable to humans. As the city filled with more and more humans and the hours passed, I became frantic. The intense desire to be with Bella was all consuming. As time passed, all I could picture in my mind was Bella lying cold and lifeless and it was a despondent image. I began to vacillate between anger and sadness. Anger for the Volturi making this more difficult than it really needed to be. The sadness would consume me as I realized how much time has passed since Bella had died. I could not fathom living without her and the longer it happened, the more frantic I became.

In the end, I found a rather easy and simplistic way to flaunt the rules and cause them to act. I decided to hunt. There had not been a human death in Volterra due to vampires in several hundred years. Add in the fact what today stood for; they would have no recourse but to retaliate. It was simple and easy. The monster in me was ecstatic. I had denied him for so long. The idea that I would let him free had him salivating at the prospect. The way I saw it, why shouldn't I let him out?

So I set out in full hunting mode. I moved closer to the main square. If I could manage to make sure a few humans saw as well, then that would seal the deal. As I moved around, I could hear the guard that was assigned to watch me. They were not happy with babysitting me and a few were willing to do a preemptive strike. I would not be disappointed if they made that choice.

Knowing that I could never hunt an innocent, I cast my mind out to find those minds I had hunted so many years ago. I scanned the masses around me, searching for the vile and evil thoughts that human predators think with. I was not surprised that it did not take long to find such a mind. No matter where I went, evil lurked. In the warming morning rays, I heard the thoughts of a man who had violated a girl last night. He accosted her in a dark alley way after luring her from a café down the street. While he left her alive, he did take pleasure in her cries and fright. He left her injured and whimpering.

I diligently listened in to him, waiting for him to show me where he was waiting. I scanned visually and with my mind for him. Minutes later I saw him as he passed the main water fountain. He was headed towards a street that was a couple down from where I was. Quickly I made my way over to him. I knew that there were two Volturi guards close by. I am sure once I struck, they would react quickly.

As I turned down the cobbled lane, I saw him. He was tall and lanky; his hair was long and greasy. His thoughts were smug and still riding high from his victory the night before. I could feel the pull of the monster within. He roared at me, and rattled the cage I shackled him in. He longed to come out and play. To finally give in to the primitive urges that I had tamped down for several decades.

The familiar flow of venom flooded my mouth as I descended upon the unsuspecting human. His sickening thoughts sucked me towards him, like a shining beacon. My muscles tightened in anticipation of the lunge. My attention was hyper-focused on him and the flow of blood that I could hear was pumping through his veins. He was less than thousand feet from me and he finally caught my menacing glare.

I watched as he noisily gulped as the strains of fear filled his mind, he knew he was in the presence of a predator and he was greatly outmatched. Closer still and I could smell the adrenaline and fear. It was thick and permeated the air. Less than a hundred feet and the monster was joyous, he screamed at me to end it, to relish in the kill.

As I made the motions to spring, two faces floated in a haze in my mind. The first was Bella and the second was my father. While there was no condemnation or pity, I felt their sorrow. Neither would find fault, but both would be disappointed. I could almost hear Bella telling me I was better than I was acting. Carlisle would remind me of the years of struggle to be more than just a vicious creature.

At the last second I moved fast, wanting to be away from the vile man. I clamped down on my emotions and desires. I struggled to control who and what I was. If I had any chance at meeting Bella in the afterlife, I could not end my existence by being a killer. I could not meet Bella with blood on my hands, and I could not turn away from everything that my father tried to teach me. I knew there was a small semblance of humanity left in me and by killing once again; I would for sure lose that.

A few short blocks later and I collapsed into a narrow doorway. I was panting with the exertion to stave off the monster in me and the sheer force of the rampant emotions that coursed through me. My head fell into my hands as I was wracked with uncontrollable sobs. I cried for the atrocious act I almost committed, I cried for the fear of what was waiting for me once I died. For the first time, I really let myself feel the loss over Bella. I let the full knowledge that Bella was truly gone settle deep inside me. Never would I see her blush, never would I feel her warmth surround me or feel the beat of her heart as we cuddled. Never would I be able to watch her sleep and hear the pieces of her dreams. It was all lost forever.

I continued to sit there for a while and allowed myself to grieve over the loss of my mate. I could feel the heavy weight in my heart. The pieces of me that still remained shuddered and broke. Awash in an ocean of sadness and loneliness I let myself drown. Over and over her name tumbled from my lips in a silent prayer of forgiveness and love. Once I could pull myself together, I was renewed with a deeper sense of determination.

I would die, but it would be with honor and dignity and it would in no way place a blemish on my father or the memory of Bella. I owed them more than that. With that resolution, the answer was simple and appropriate. There was nothing that Bella loved more than the sight of me in the sun. So that's what I would do. I would walk out in the sun and let the world see what Bella found so beautiful. It was a fitting tribute to the only woman I would ever love. Soon, my love, I would come soon.

As I was deep inside the city walls I would need to have the sun at its highest point, which meant I would have to wait until noon before I acted. By the position of the sun already, I had only a few short hours before then. I made my way closer to the plaza square and found a side alley to wait in. Now that there was a plan in place, I was calm and almost serene. There was nothing that I could do but wait.

So there I sat, getting lost in my memories. I watched as Bella and I spent time in our meadow, the sun highlighting her hair and sweetening her scent. I swayed as I replayed prom and the dances we had as she fit comfortably in my arms. I watched as she played chess with Jasper and was teased by Emmett. Once again I was walking with her, hand in hand, to our classes, whispering our love. Flashes of a million small and special moments; our first kiss, first date, first time she met my family, first time she told me she loved me. It was a blissful mix of everything good and wonderful.

Again I tried to purge myself of all that I did wrong by her. I confessed my deepest regret that I left her and that I failed to fully comprehend her love, that I dismissed her needs and wants and failed to listen to her. I professed my love and admiration for her, I spoke of how grateful that she choose me to love and was so accepting of me and my family.

A few minutes before noon I stood up and removed the shirt I was wearing. I stood at the mouth of the alley way and peered out at the sea of people crowding the square. The sun was bright and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. My skin began to give out a faint shimmer. I stepped just to the edge, knowing that a few short steps would bring me into the light and to my end.

I let the shirt flutter from my hand and it pooled at my feet. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly and deep. I cleared my mind of the noise of the crowd and instead focused on the singular image of Bella. Her hair was flowing freely down her back. Her smile was soft and her eyes were bright and full of love. I kept this before me as the clock above me began to chime towards the noon hour.

Carefully and methodically I inched forward and closer to the light I could feel was shining brightly. I concentrated hard on Bella. Internally I told her that I was coming and to wait for me. _Please wait for me, I am coming Bella. _So focused on what I was thinking, I could almost hear her call my name. Was it possible she was reaching out to me? Calling me, letting me know she did not leave me behind? Hope swelled inside me and I took another measured step forward.

Once again, I swore I heard her call out to me. _I hear you my love. _The idea of Bella calling out to me was more that I would ever hope for and hung on the sweet tones of her voice. Over and over I heard my name, it was high and frantic. Was she just as anxious to see me again as I was to see her? I was prepared to beg for her forgiveness when I saw her again, but now it seemed as if she was calling for me instead.

Another shuffle brought me even closer as the clock chimed out the noon hour. I left my hands free by my sides, relaxed and open. I let myself get lost in Bella and the sound of her voice. It was beautiful even if it sounded frantic and hurried. I did not puzzle long over it, I was just happy to hear her voice. I had gone too long without hearing it, I missed it immensely.

I could almost picture her, as she waited for me, arms open and inviting. She looked at peace and my transgressions were forgiven. She would cradle me close as I rushed into her waiting arms. She was safe, she was love and she wanted me.

I heard as she asked me to look at her. _I am love; you are all I can see. _What a vision she was, so beautiful, perfection. There was not a single thing on her I would change. Her eyes were warm and open, her lips curved into a soft smile. There was the gentle swell of her hips that fit my hand perfectly. There was her scent and her heart beat, always the beacon that drew me towards her.

Part of me knew that I shouldn't hope to see her, but I couldn't quell the feelings. I longed to see her. I had begged and pleaded with God on that plane. I have no way of knowing if I was heard, but I had to hope. No, I had to do more than that, I had to take that leap of faith that I could not do before. My cowardice has led to suffering. Now, in my last minutes, I would hope and pray and have some faith that I would see her again.

The bell tolled again and I was just a stride away from the sun and once again I heard my angel calling for me. I smiled, just for her and as I raised my leg to take that final step, I felt as something crashed into me. Reflexively, my arms wrapped around something that was so soft and warm. I clutched it to me, it was an automatic reaction. I opened my eyes as the final ring chimed out the noon hour.

I could not believe my eyes. "Amazing. Carlisle was right." My leap of faith worked, she was here in my arms! I could not believe it, it was more than I could ever imagine. She felt so right, so perfect and I missed her so very much.

"Edward, you've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!" Her voice was filled with an unneeded panic and I was unable to grasp why. All I could focus on was that she was once again in my arms. I gazed at her, pouring all my devotion in my gaze. Softly I trailed my hand along her check. Oh, God, how soft it was, I had almost forgotten. I held her tighter, not wanting to ever let her go.

She was tugging on me and it made me wonder if she missed me half as much as I missed her. I did not think it was possible, but gone were the days that I underestimate her. I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing- they're very good." It was a frightening thing to consider, but when the end result was what I was holding in my arms. I didn't care what the cost would be; I would pay it, gladly. Closing my eyes I breathed her in, her essence, her very being. Ever so gently, I pressed my lips to her hair. _"Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty." _No truer words had I ever uttered. She was beautiful, no matter where or what she was.

I took another deep breath, the achingly familiar scent of freesia and strawberries assaulted my senses, it engulfed me in a haze of need and burn. It was all I needed, proof that she was with me, that this was not some cruel joke. "You smell just exactly the same as always. So maybe this _is _hell. I don't care. I'll take it." I would endure anything to be with her, pay any price. It was worth it; _she _was worth any price.

"I'm not dead," she replied and I found in confusing. Of course we both were dead, I knew it. "And neither are you! Please, Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" She was squirming in my arms and I was saddened. Did she not want to be near me? Was she angry at me still? It would make sense; we had so much to talk about.

But to make sure, I questioned her, "What was that?"

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi-"

It was then that several things processed simultaneously in my head. One, Bella was not dead, for whatever reason, she was alive and in my arms. She was with me in Italy, she was ALIVE! Second, we were in trouble. There were guards all around and two were coming up behind me and they saw me with Bella. The very next second I spun us both away from the light and pushed her behind me and looked deep into the alley. My mind was racing, trying to process everything. Bella is alive, Rose had it wrong, she came to save me, the guard is coming, how do I get her out of here alive- over and over the thought spun. Right then I vowed to get Bella out of here alive- at all costs.

I centered myself, I needed to be rational and calm to figure out what to do and I needed to get us out of Volterra. I knew who it was that was coming down the alley, and it was going to make my job difficult.

"Greetings, gentlemen. I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much however, if you would send my thanks to your masters." My voice was calm, but inside I was churning and frantic. They could do whatever they wanted to me, but Bella was off limits. Of course, the two in front of me had other plans.

_Looks like we hit the jackpot here. This will be very interesting. _"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" Nice try, but I was not going to budge one inch.

"I don't believe that will be necessary. I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules." I reminded him my voice hardened. Of course, he knew I was wrong with part of my statement, but his only instructions were to destroy me if I brought attention tour kind in public. I had done no such thing. It was not up to Felix to punish me in regards to Bella knowing. If I could get her out of here before they knew she was here, we may have a chance.

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover." Demetri was trying to play peacemaker and I wasn't buying it at all. _Master would like to know that his human is alive. _It was that thought that led me to suspect that he was set on bringing us in.

"I'll be right behind you." Keeping them in my peripheral I looked at Bella and she stole my breath away. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" I poured all my love into a single gaze, just in case she could not save me a second time.

"No, bring the girl," leered Felix. He was fixated on Bella and her scent. There was no way he would ever lay a finger on her.

"I don't think so." There was malice in my voice; no way was Bell walking into that place. I could not guarantee that she would come out alive and that was unacceptable. I shift ever so slightly toward Felix, knowing he was the bigger threat.

Almost silently Bella mouthed, "No." Once again she was worried about me when she shouldn't bother.

"Shh." I told her in her ear.

"Felix, not here." Demetri warned and then he turned towards me, "Aro would simply like to speak to you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all." It didn't matter how he tried to phrase it, I wasn't allowing them to get near Bella.

"Certainly, but the girl goes free." If Aro wanted to talk, he would have to make do with just me.

Demetri let out a low sigh, "I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey." _What is it about this human that he is defending? Can he really love her? _

"Then _I'm _afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri." Couldn't he see how simple it was?

"That's just fine." Felix inched closer, and gave me a menacing stare. _Come on, make a move, I dare you. I'll rip you to shreds and have your toy for a snack. _I needed to keep my cool. It would do neither Bella nor me any good if I let my anger rule me. I had to stay calm, for Bella.

_Don't make our job more difficult Felix. _"Aro will be disappointed," stated Demetri.

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown." Ever so slowly, they approached us and began to spread out. They wanted to force us deeper into the alley and I refused to move. I kept myself as close as I could get to Bella. Her heat was bathing my body and it felt sublime. I never realized how much I missed her warmth until this moment. I wanted to revel in it, but I had to concentrate on what was happening in front of me. Seconds later I heard a familiar voice in my head.

_I am here Edward, give me a few seconds. _I whipped my head towards her and a second later the others did as well. Just then, Alice's voice rang out. "Let's behave ourselves, shall we? There are ladies present."

She glided to my side. _I missed you, Edward. Now let's get out of here alive. _At the sight of Alice they stopped their approach and eased their stances. By Felix's expression, he was not happy that Alice was there and when I caught wind of his thoughts, I was right. _Hmm, too even of a fight. Should have struck while I had the chance. _

Alice continued to speak, "We're not alone." She gestured towards the mouth of the alley and the humans that were milling around. Demetri looked in the direction she was gesturing and in his mind I saw the family that was glancing nervously in our direction. From their thoughts, they were worried about Bella, and very concerned about the four of us. They sensed that something was not right.

Demetri obviously did not like the human audience. "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable." I wanted to laugh; I was more than willing to be reasonable it's just that it varies greatly from his idea. I did not finish what I came here to do; there was no reason for them to detain me.

"Let's and we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser." It really was the best outcome, but from the flashes Alice was getting, it wasn't the most likely one to occur. I tried to focus on what she was seeing, but it was all flashing by too quickly.

Demetri let go another sigh of frustration, "At least let us discuss this more privately." By now there were several more security guards that were with the family and they were all furtively glancing in our direction.

In my show of annoyance I snapped my teeth; there was no way I was moving from where I stood. "No."

Felix smiled in anticipation of a fight and then everything suddenly didn't matter anymore. Things took a turn for the worse.

"Enough" I inwardly groaned at Jane's untimely entrance. I couldn't help but slump in defeat a bit, this was not good.

"Jane," that was the only acknowledgement she would get from me. _Edward, this doesn't help our situation. _Alice folded her arms in consternation. _You have to play it calm with her here. She is itching to get back at you. _I gave her the barest of nods to let her know I heard her.

Calmly and with a touch of boredom, Jane ordered, "Follow me." Not even checking to see if we would follow, she turned and walked away. She knew that we would go, there was no other choice. Felix stepped aside and gestured for us to follow after Jane. Alice went first and I pulled Bella in close to me.

She looked up and I saw the fear in her eyes and the questions. There were a million of them, but this wasn't the time. I shook my head to tell her not now, and I hoped there would be a later to explain it all. No, I would make sure there _was _a later, there had to be. I had Bella back and I could not lose her now.

Instead, I wanted to questions Alice, to see how this all became one colossal screw up. "Well, Alice, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

_You have no idea. _"It was my mistake. It was my job to set it right." _Of course Rose had her little part in this as well. _

"What happened?" I was dying to know how we got here. It just didn't add up and I was sure it was because I was missing vital information.

"It's a long story." I watched as Alice looked briefly at Bella. I could not read the thoughts that went with it, it was a mixture of sadness and joy, but there was an undercurrent of something I could not identify. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."

Immediately she launched into the vision she had and what happened. I watched as Bella jumped and I tried not to wince at the image. Then I saw as the vision stopped. Alice showed me as she went to Bella's house only to have her come in the door and smelling like wet dog. When she got to Jacob being a werewolf, I almost came undone. I had to repeat to myself that she was alive and in my arms.

Unsure if I could form a rational response I simply replied, "Hm." Out of the corner of my eye I caught Bella looking at me and I was sure she saw that I was none too pleased with what Alice was showing me.

Slowly we walked down the alley way which got steadily narrower and slanted downward. I had a feeling I knew what entrance they were using and I was not pleased. As we walked I held Bella close. It was heaven to touch her again even if we were headed for hell. I never thought I would get the chance to be with her again and now I knew I could never leave her again. At the end of the alley there was a dead end and Jane had disappeared. Bella's eyes widened as she watched Alice dropped gracefully into the hole in the street.

I sensed her hesitation and trepidation. "It's all right, Bella, Alice will catch you." I longed for it to be me. But I was not leaving her all alone up here. I trusted Alice to keep her safe. Cautiously she looked over the edge. I was sure it looked dark to her and that would not help ease her fears.

She crouched down and swung her feet into the hole. "Alice?" Her voice sounded so small, I wanted to comfort her, hold her and tell her it was going to be ok.

"I'm right here, Bella." Alice tried her best to reassure her. _It will be ok, Edward. She won't get hurt. _Gently I took hold of her wrists and lowered her as far as I could and then I let go. My heart plummeted with her. In seconds I watched as Alice caught her and placed her on her feet. I followed a second later and pulled her into my arms.

I wanted to sing with relief as she wrapped her frail arms around me. Just maybe it meant that things would be ok with us. I held onto to that with everything I had. Behind us the grate was pulled back and we continued down the dark and wet corridor. There was no light except what filtered in from the street and as we continued on, that was getting less and less. The ground was uneven and it made Bella stumble a few times. I could hear her heart, it was beating frantically. She was nervous and even a little scared. Her eyes swept the corridor even thought she could see very little.

I couldn't help myself; I had to touch her face. Tentatively I reached across and swiped my thumb across her lips. The feeling was incredible and I wanted more. I pulled her in close and pressed my lips to her hair. I was surprised but the lack of burn in my throat. I would have to ponder that later. Right now I was focused on getting us out of here, all three of us. I needed to be with Bella again; there was no other way for me to exist.

Luckily Alice was busily flipping through her visions; unfortunately there wasn't much to go on. _There is too much uncertainty, Edward. I am not real sure what's going to happen. I think we need to play it by ear. It's nice to be with Bella again isn't it?_

She had no idea how true that was. My musings were interrupted with Felix's sigh of consternation. He hated the fact that we had to walk at a human's pace. I wanted to growl at him, but with Bella so close, I didn't want to scare her. I ignored him instead and just held Bella as tight as I could. I was unable to stop myself from touching her. I had gone far too long without her touch and I craved it. I pressed my lips to her hair, rubbed my fingers along her arm, I even dared to kiss her forehead. Every cell in my body screamed for me to kiss her lips, but until I knew where we stood, it just didn't seem right.

I tried to rationalize that she came to save me because she still cared; I even wanted to dare hope that she still loved me. I knew it may be asking too much, but after the last few days I knew without a doubt I needed her. I needed to be with her, to love her, to just have her in my life. What form that would take would be up to her, but if I she wanted me to; I would beg and plead for forgiveness for all eternity.

The ground sloped again, and I felt Bella tense up. I rubbed her soothingly to remind her that I was near and I would protect her with my very life. A faint light was brightening the corridor and it was plain to see that we were still deep underground. In my arms Bella began to shake and I thought it was from fear. _She's cold Edward, she is wet. Maybe you should just hold her hand. _I pulled away and reached for her hand. However Bella had other ideas.

"N-n-no," she stuttered as she threw her arms around me. I couldn't deny her this small comfort. I pulled her close and tried to create some warmth by rubbing her arms briskly. She sank closer to me and it was heaven. I tried to carry Bella along as Felix's impatience was growing by the second. I worried that in a moment of frustration he would snap.

At the end of the corridor was another metal grate and I hurried us inside, once everyone had gone through it was slammed shut. Bella jumped at the noise of the lock being engaged. We found ourselves standing in front of a rather plain, but thick wooden door that was open, ready for us to go through. From Demetri's thoughts, I knew what lay beyond and I had the uncontrollable urge to grab Bella and flee. The fate of our lives would be decided in a room just beyond and for once I had no control of the outcome.

**A/N: Feel free to review this chapter or leave me a PM if you would like! Again, sorry for the mix up. All I can say is that I was tired when I posted and was not watching what I was doing!**


	25. Ch 24 Let the Games Begin

**A/N: Ok.. PLEASE read this! There was a huge mix up last week when I posted. By accident I posted this chapter (points below) in its raw and un-edited phase. *shudders* When I figured it out, I did go back and correct it. So, please go and make sure that you have read Ch. 23. For thos of you who read this before I removed it- I ask you it read again- It's polished and there are a few changes and such! I apologize profusely over my rather crazy error. I hope I am forgiven.**

**Enjoy!**

Let the Games Begin

The hallway we entered was brightly lit and warmer which I knew would benefit Bella. I could not help but stare at Jane. The vile and evil thoughts that were going through her mind were testing the limits of my control. She was envisioning what she would do to Bella, and then ways to drain her dry, all while I watched. She was waiting for us by the elevator. Together, Alice and I surrounded Bella. It was purely symbolic, but I wanted her to feel protected, safe.

We entered the elevator and all three guard members relaxed and pulled back the hoods of their cloaks. Demetri was happy to be rid of Felix. I found it interesting that he was tired of Felix's antics and attitude. I filed that away just in case I needed it to help us get out of here. He could be a sympathetic ear. While my mind was busy focusing on the thoughts around me, I kept my eyes trained on Jane. There was something about her set me on edge. I also kept touching Bella. I needed to, if not to comfort her then to reassure me that she was really alive and well.

When the doors opened I sensed Bella's confusion at what she was seeing. It had to be an odd and almost comical site, to see such a benign office in a castle for vampires. We were surrounded by plush carpets, rich wood paneled walls and comfy looking couches. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Bella zeroed in on the receptionist. I could almost see the gears turning in her mind, for I was certain she noticed that she was human.

Gianna's situation was interesting, but needed, to keep up the pretences that Aro was so find of keeping. I wanted to explain to Bella, but now was not the time or the place.

"Good afternoon, Jane." Her voice was calm and rather matter of fact when she addressed Jane. Again, Bella's response did not surprise me; she was astonished to say the least. I was sure she could figure out that Gianna knew what everyone in the room was and that she was more than comfortable about it all. If only she understood the half of it.

Jane acknowledged Gianna with the smallest of nods, "Gianna." Of course Felix had to take it to the next level by winking at her as he passed and she giggled. I wanted to scream at her, to shake her from the little fantasy she has imagined. But she was lost to the mystique and the lure of it all. It was so very sad.

We were led to a set of doors and when they were opened, we were greeted by Alec. Once again, Bella shrunk a little closer to me. Part of me rejoiced in this small movement, another was saddened that she was placed in yet again another dangerous situation.

Smiling, Alec greeted his evil sister, "Jane."

"Alec." Who knew that Jane could inject warmth into her voice? I didn't. Of course the moment was ruined when they placed kisses on each other's cheeks. They have one weird and twisted relationship and I tried to stay out of their minds.

As if he was noticing us for the first time, "They send you out for one and you come back with two…and a half." His gaze moved onto Bella and I could see the leering. "Nice work."

"Welcome back, Edward. You seem in a better mood." He laughed at his own stupid joke. I tried my best to control my emotions as I answered.

"Marginally." I could feel Bella's eyes on me, trying to figure out exactly what was going through my mind.

Alec, upon seeing my less than enthusiastic mood looked back between Bella and I. "And this is the cause of all the trouble?" I clenched my hands; Bella was far from the trouble, as it was me who had messed things up. I threw a withering look at him at his absurd thoughts.

"Dibs." Felix playfully called out and I saw red. Slowly, I turned towards him and let loose a snarl that was warning him to back off. Felix saw it as a challenge and gave me a 'come hither' motion with his fingers. _I dare you, Edward. I will beat you every time. _

"Patience." Alice's voice cut through the red haze that slowly going to make me go insane. _You know this is not the time and place. You have got to keep you temper in check, for Bella's sake. _It was the only thing that would penetrate the heady mix of anger and need for vengeance. I took a deep cleansing breath and faced Alec. I pushed Felix and his relentless taunting to the back of my mind. He was trying to make me give him a reason to destroy me. I had to remind myself that I had too much to lose now.

"Aro will be pleased to see you again," Alec continued as if nothing had happened. _Not that I understand the fascination he has with you and the rest of your coven. _He gave a little shake and was interrupted by Jane.

"Let's not keep him waiting." She was impatient to return and hear his praise. She lived to make him happy and I found their relationship to be mildly repulsive and disturbing. I shudder at the visuals that were running through her mind.

Once again, our small progression made our way through another long hallway, the sounds of our shoes the only sounds being made. Half way down we stopped and Alec moved in front of his sister to hold open the doors. Hmm, he at least had some manners. As we filed through I could feel Bella shudder as the atmosphere changed once again. I am sure it was reminding her of the coldness of the sewers we passed through earlier. But it was short lived as the cold stone gave way to a brighter and bigger room. This one was perfectly round and was situated in one of the turrets of the castle.

The windows were high and narrow and let in soft light. Seeing that it was midday there was quite a lot of light that entered into the room. Bella curiously swept the room, amazement and then caution flitted across her face. It was a lot to take in and for a human it had to be overwhelming. I watched as she took in several members of the family and guard as the light glinted off their skin. As I swept the room I noticed the drain in the center of the room. Another sweep of the minds in the room and I realized what they use this room for. I glanced at Alice and she looked at me. _I know where we are, Edward. Dinner will be on its way shortly, we will have to get out of here fast. Still unable to see what will happen. I think Aro wants to talk. He is so very interested in us both._

I was afraid of that. I didn't like that Aro was privy to my family and our talents. He was far too envious of what Carlisle had, it made me nervous. I was worried about the price Aro would demand to allow us to go without incident or reprisals. I sensed that Aro was not the type of vampire to do something without getting something in return. As we ventured farther into the room, everyone stopped and stared.

It was at that moment Aro addressed us, "Jane, dear one, you've returned!" He was delighted in her and it showed in his words. Of course as she walked to greet her I had to fight back a grimace as he lightly grasped her face and brushed a gentle kiss on her lips. An inward shudder raced through me as Jane's obvious delight and excitement in the kiss consumed her every thought. Bella watched their interaction with part fascination and revulsion. She had no idea what to make of the man before us and the way he interacted with the others.

"Yes, Master." Her face beamed a brilliant smile at him; it was nauseating. "I brought him back alive, just as you wished."

"Ah, Jane you are such a comfort to me." _So willing to serve, my dear. _I fought the urge to roll my eyes at the enjoyment he gets off of everyone doing his bidding.

He finally glanced in our direction. It was time for the games to begin, for that is what this was to him, a game. It was an elaborate game of wits and strategy, to see who would fold or break first. The problem with this little set up was that I had something that Aro did not have. I had a deep desire to keep Bella from harm; I had something worth fighting for. All he had was the need to collect and dominate.

"And Alice and Bella, too!" He clapped his hands together in utter excitement. It seemed rather childish and contrite to me. "This _is _a happy surprise! Wonderful!" The fact that he took a very casual and overly friendly tone did not escape my notice. He was trying to be very non-threatening and it was keeping me on edge.

Just as quickly as he greeted us he turned towards Felix, "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this." _Marcus will be most interested, I am certain._

"Yes, Master," replied Felix and in a flash was out of the room.

"You see, Edward?" he kept his back to us for a brief second, letting the question hang in the air. Then he spun towards us and stared right at me. His tone was condescending and playful. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

I was but I did not want to admit how much, I did not like the feeling of being indebted to him.

"Yes, Aro, I am." I kept it short and sweet. There was no need to give him anymore ammunition than he had. I pulled Bella even closer. Wanting to shield her and protect her but feeling woefully inadequate at the moment. As long as she was near me, and I could smell her and feel her warmth, I would protect her at all costs.

With a huge smile, Aro continued as if I hadn't spoken, "I love a happy ending. They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" he turned towards her with a curious stare, one that was full of hope and determination. _Is her gift not as stable as Edward leads me to believe? _

"Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake." I could not miss the hope in his voice. There was no mistaking his interest in her, he wanted her gift and this was the first time he let it be known in his thoughts.

"Oh, I am far from infallible." While Alice was all smiles and calm on the outside, inside she was seething. _He's looking for a way to keep us here, Edward. But nothing set. He's quite undecided what he wants to do. _"As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them."

"You're too modest. I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!" _To have such an extraordinary talent at my disposal, that would be sublime. _I was growing wary of his fascination with Alice; I knew now that getting out of here alive was getting harder and harder the longer we stayed talking to Aro.

_He really wants me, but he also wants you as well Edward. He's excited by the idea. _She flicked her gaze at me and I caught it, letting her know I agreed with her assessment. _We need to be on the lookout for anything that can get us out of here._

_Look at them, talking, communicating, such a special combination. _Aro's eyes narrowed slightly at out silent exchange and then he continued speaking.

"I'm sorry. We haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." His tone had turned to one of envy and he shook his head at that notion. In a weird way, Aro almost preferred my gift to his.

"And also exponentially more powerful," I quickly explained. Looking at Alice I clarified for her, thought I had a feeling she may already know. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more that I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

_Hmm, we could use that to our advantage, Edward. I am sure of it. The future is still too hazy to really know what will get us out. But I think we do, it's the how I am missing._

I nodded to her. Aro of course watched everything with rapt attention.

"But to be able to hear from a distance…" He let loose another sigh and gestured towards us both. "That would be so _convenient._" _There are so many benefits to you and your Alice, my dear Edward. I am sure you can see it?_

I did not react or even acknowledge his question. I needed to keep him as much in the dark as possible if I wanted to get us out of here in one piece. Just in that moment, Aro turned to look behind him and we all focused our attention there as well. Coming into the room were the remaining two brothers. Felix was in the lead and then behind him came Marcus and Caius.

"Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?" I wanted to snort in disgust at the absolute joy that was present in Aro's mind. To him this was like one big social gathering. His brothers were less than enthused and their divergent thoughts were almost comical.

Caius felt that much was being made about nothing. He saw me as weak and pathetic for loving a human and could barely contain his disgust for me as he took in my arms wrapped securely around Bella. Of course, Caius also took offense at our chosen lifestyle and was hard-pressed to understand Aro's fascination with us.

"Let us have the story." Aro seemed oblivious to the lack of excitement from either of his two brothers; it was kind of funny if you thought about it.

Ignoring Aro, I focused on Marcus; his reaction was the most intriguing, for he was intently studying Bella and me. What surprised me was _how _he saw us. I knew that he can 'see' relationships, but the mechanics of it had me stumped. Looking at his thoughts, it was fascinating and I soaked it up. In his mind he saw that Bella and I were bound, connected in an intricate web of what looked like strings. They wove around us, between us and even through us. There looked like there were millions of them and they each started and ended with us. I could not help but focus on the image. But even more than that, they were glowing brilliant silver. It sparkled and shone and encompassed us completely.

When focused on Alice and I, we were also connected, although in a completely different way than I saw with Bella. The web was not as intricate and was more like strings between us, it showed that we were close, but not as enmeshed as I saw with Bella. The light swirling around us was a honeyed gold. Just as surprising was the connection shared by Alice and Bella. It also had strings the flowed between, although not nearly as many as between Alice and I. Their color was a pale yellow.

_They each have their own unique connections, but I have never seen something as intense as Edward and his human. Aro would find this very interesting. _I let loose a snort and watched as Marcus walked past Aro and briefly touched his hand letting him know how closely we were connected. I could feel Alice's gaze on me.

"Thank you, Marcus. That's quite interesting." _Their connection is stronger than I thought it would be. That is very intriguing. _Silently Marcus continued on his way and sat in his chair located in the back of the room.

Aro was still shaking his head over the information that Marcus revealed. Not sure what to make of it, yet. "Amazing. Absolutely amazing."

_What's going on, Edward? _A quick glance out of the corner of my eye and I saw the evident frustration on Alice's face. Certain that Bella was curious as well, I explained to them what happened.

"Marcus sees relationships. He is surprised by the intensity of ours."

"So convenient." While Aro may have chuckled, I could hear the twangs of jealousy. He wanted what Alice and I could do. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you. It's just so difficult to understand, even now."

He paused to gaze and Bella and I. He took him how she had her arms wrapped around me, seemingly able to ignore the iciness of my skin. He watched how I kept her close and even how I would occasionally inhale her scent. He was perplexed by it all.

"How can you stand so close to her like that?" He was honest in his questions; he could not begin to understand it.

"It's not without effort." I was calm when I replied. It was then that I realized how much easier it seemed to be near her. I breathed deeply, and was amazed by the lack of a real burn. I longed to dissect this, but I needed to remain in the present situation.

"But still- _la tua cantante_! What a waste!"

I laughed at his characterization of Bella, "I look at it more as a price." I was genuinely surprised by his choice of words. Even more stunning was the truth in them. A vampire coming across his singer was rare, but for me to let her live, even more unheard of. But I had no other choice but to let her live, the other option was unthinkable.

He looked at me rather pointedly, "A very high price."

"Opportunity cost." I was not going to rise to his baiting. My primary focus was to get us out of here. In the background hum of the room, a few stray thoughts were beginning to leak out and I needed to figure out who they were coming from. I continually scanned the room while also keeping tabs on Aro musings.

"If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…"

"Waste it." I knew that is how he saw it, he could not comprehend the power she held over me, the lure that her love had for me. No, all he saw her as was his next meal. It was downright repulsive.

I was irked that he had the nerve to laugh at me. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him- only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well." I spoke of my father with pride. It was him who gave me this existence and I would show no shame.

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly." I briefly wondered if he remembered my earlier days with Bella and the lure and potency her scent had to me and the near constant battle I had to keep her alive. The monster in me craved her, everyday and I struggled to keep him under lock and key.

I was bored withal this inane chatter. I wanted to leave, but I knew that I could not bring it up. We had to play Aro's little social game a while longer. However, I was not the only one bored with Aro's need for the spotlight, Caius was also wondering why he is putting on such a show. He wanted to get to the heart of the matter, unfortunately, he was not thinking about what he wanted to get to.

Aro continued on, "I am gratified by his success. Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong." Aro truly was amazed by Carlisle and the life he has led since leaving Italy. He was fond of my father and in a way, truly missed him.

"But _your _restraint! I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not once but again and again- if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed." I did not like the path his thoughts were taking and I fixed my gaze on him to let him know that.

"Just remembering how she appeals to you… It makes me thirsty." He had the gall to chuckle at that. I could not help that I tensed, ready to protect Bella come what may.

"Don't be disturbed," Aro chided. "I mean her no harm. But I am _so _curious, about one thing in particular." He stared right at me. _You know what I am asking, Edward. I am sure that you do. _"May I?" He lifted his hand toward Bella. It sickened me, but I felt we had little choice in the matter.

"Ask _her_." I intoned flatly, hoping that he would refuse. But I knew his curiosity was too enthralled by Bella to pass up a chance to touch her.

"Of course, how rude of me! Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent- so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try- to see if you are an exception for _me_, as well?"

Bella looked at me; it pained me to see fear and apprehension in her eyes. I knew she wanted to refuse, but felt like she wouldn't be able. She wanted reassurance that everything would be ok. While I wasn't sure about that, I was almost completely confident that she would be immune to Aro.

I gave her a sure nod, encouraging her allow him to touch her. _It will be ok, Edward. He won't be able to hear her. _I was pleased by Alice's reassurance. I watched as she hesitantly raised her arm and Aro slid closer to her. With bated breath I watched as he clasped it and stared right at her. Bella held his gaze, but I could see the apprehension rolling off her; she was intimated by him. I honed in on Aro's mind, eager to latch onto whatever he may uncover.

The second he touched her, I heard the silence. He looked at her, probingly. I saw the tiniest of slips in his careful façade. A part of me rejoiced that Bella kept him out as well, even as part of me was saddened by it as well.

"So very interesting." He then dropped her hand and paced away from us. I could not keep the smile off my face. I was pleased she was just as silent to him. I watched as Aro paced and how every once in a while he would look at all three of us. He was trying to keep his thoughts from me and what I was able to catch was a scrambled mess of disjointed thoughts and randomness. Just as quickly as he began his pacing, he stopped and whirled on us.

'A first. I wonder if she is immune to our other talents…Jane?" In that instant I saw what he wanted her to do.

"No!" I snarled at him, the growls coming unfettered from my chest. Alice grabbed me but I shook her off easily.

'Yes, Master?" Jane's voice was irritatingly sweet. I wanted to rip her head off. She would not make Bella her guinea pig. I continued to stare at Aro, not bothering to stop the snarls that were being heaved from my chest. I sensed Felix as he began to move behind me, but I kept my focus on Aro and Jane; they were the bigger threats to Bella. Aro waved him off with a determined look in his direction.

"I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella was immune to _you_?" I moved to put me between Jane and Bella. I knew it was not far enough away, but it was all I had. Furiously I scanned the room, searching for a way out, wondering if I could just pick her up and run. The growls and snarls continued on a never ending loop, I couldn't stop them if I tried. The urge to protect her was crushing. I watched as Caius drew closer, intrigue by what may occur.

Slowly, Jane turned toward us. A smile so deviously wicked and sickly sweet was etched on her face. It was then several things happened at once and I was powerless to stop them. The first was my motion towards Jane, which caused Alice to cry out, "Don't!" just as the vision of what would happen slammed into me.

But it was all mute as soon as Jane unleashed her power upon me. Then all I felt was the fire and the burning and the ripping and the shredding. My brain exploded into white-hot shards of glass and shrapnel. I tensed my jaw, refusing to let her see me cry out or beg. Bella was there and I could not let her hear me scream. I met the floor but I did not feel it. Instead my veins filled with acid and I boiled from the inside. I tried to fix my gaze on Bella but my eyes would not cooperate. So I suffered in silence.

Through the haze of pain and torment, I heard Bella cry out and it was such an anguished sound, "Stop!"

I wanted to tell her that I was ok, that this was just Jane's sick and twisted power, but I did not trust myself not to scream. Once again, I heard a voice call out, "Jane." In that second the pain subsided greatly and I shook off the remaining jolts of pain.

"He's fine." I looked in Alice's direction when she spoke and saw that she held Bella tightly. In one smooth movement I rose up and that's when I heard Jane's thought.

_Going to make this one hurt, little girl. What I did to your Edward was just a small taste; I'm going to give my all to you._

I could not believe the malice of her thoughts, it was vile and repugnant. I looked over to Jane and back to Bella. Seconds later, I heard Jane's fury at being thwarted.

_Impossible, she is just a tiny, frail human! How can see be immune to my power. I am the stronger one!_

Jane stared so hard at Bella, trying to find a way to make her feel her power. To her it was inconceivable that anyone could escape her pain and torment. Her jaw was clenched in absolute concentration, her eyes narrowed on Bella. Her lips slightly curled. Her thoughts were so chaotic, when she realized that she could not inflict pain on Bella.

Bella noticed the murderous glare coming from Jane and shrank back into Alice. I flashed to her side and touched Alice to give Bella back to me.

"Ha, ha,ha," chortled Aro. He really found this amusing. "This is wonderful!"

Jane continued to spew hateful thoughts and looks in our direction.

"Don't be put out, dear one," he placed a reassuring hand on Jane's shoulder. "She confounds us all."

Jane hissed at us and stopped trying to put Bella into screaming agony.

"Ha, ha, ha, you're very brave, Edward, to endure that in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once- just out of curiosity." While Aro was admiring my 'bravery' I was disgusted by his morbid fascination. I held back a shudder.

Sighing, Aro asked the one question we have been waiting for. "So what do we do with you now?"

Alice immediately scanned the future, but everything was still too hazy, undefined. There was too much up in the air to make a decision on what is the best way to get out of here.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro glanced at me pointedly. "Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company." I wondered if Aro knew that the rest of his guard did not share his sentiment. They were all hoping that I would be destroyed.

"I'd…rather…not." I slowly worded my response. _I had a feeling that is what you would say, Edward._

"Alice? Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?" There was no mistaking the hopefulness layered in that question.

_Is he serious, Edward? _"No, thank you," she replied quietly.

"And you, Bella?" I felt Bella stiffen as he asked her. I could not help the hiss that escaped; it was an involuntary reaction to danger towards Bella. I wanted to spew more, but we were interrupted by Caius' outburst.

"What?" Caius was astonished that Aro would even suggest such a thing. It was then that I saw his reason why and wondered if it could be our ticket out of here.

"Caius, surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

Neither Caius nor Jane liked with Aro was implying. Caius thought Aro had lost his mind and Jane was upset that Aro was implying that Bella could be as powerful as she was, or even more so. But Aro was giddy at the idea of Bella as a vampire and his mind was running away with the possibilities of what her gift could be. The idea of her as a vampire was still hard to swallow and seeing it in Aro's mind was upsetting. Low growls continued to emanate from me.

"No, thank you," Bella whispered.

"That's unfortunate. Such a waste." _It would be wonderful to have you all, what a pity to lose you._

That was the last straw, but it was the opening I needed. Hissing, I seethed at Aro.

"Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to _this _room. So much for your laws."

_Well played, Edward. I think it will work. _Alice's confidence gave me hope and I clung to it. This was our best hope to get out of here. Now I needed Caius to take the bait.

"Of course not." Aro was surprised by my words, but I knew they were the ones to cause Caius to get angry. "We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."

"Aro, the law claims them." Caius was furious at Aro's less than strict adherence to the rules. _The let a human live once she found out what they were._

I glared at him, "How so?" I wanted him to spell it out, give the choices that are available to someone in this situation. _It's going to work, Edward. I have seen it! _That was the first break we have caught since we have been in this room and I am running with it!

Caius focused on Bella as he pointed at her, "She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets."

Bingo, I had him, now for the kill. "There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well." I gave him a knowing look back. He tried to smile at me, thinking he had backed me into a corner.

"Yes," he sneered. "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not." He scowled.

"I wouldn't-," Bella plead, but Caius silenced her with an angry glare.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us. Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only _her _life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

Over my dead body would I think to leave her behind. I showed Caius exactly what I thought of his idea.

"That's what I thought." Caius sat back looking rather smug as if he had played us into a corner.

"Unless…unless you do intend to give her immortality?" Aro queried to me. Once again, I heard and saw the hope in his eyes. He did not want to destroy Bella, he wanted her. He was upset that Caius had to be so hot tempered.

I pretended to give his question some thought. He has seen in my thoughts that at one time I was opposed to the idea. He also saw the epiphany I had just before I came here and that a part of me wanted to make her an immortal.

"And if I do?" I wanted to make Aro say it.

Smiling he gave me what I wanted, "Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle. But I'm afraid you would have to mean it." With that he raised his hand and looked at me expectantly.

I looked at Bella who was pleading with me, "Mean it, please." Her eyes were full of sadness, longing and something else, resignation? What was that for? If she only knew what the deep dark places of me really wanted. But it was too much for me to hope for and want, not when there was so much more out there for her. If only I could tell her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Alice stepped up and offered her hand to Aro. No words were spoken and I turned to face them, anxious to see what she could show him.

Aro reached for her hand eagerly and closed his eyes as the images flooded his mind. I snapped my teeth when I saw a replay of the conversation between Alice and Bella where she admitted to thinking of turning herself. I knew she was capable of going behind my back and doing something like that.

Seconds passed and Aro soaked up all that Alice had to offer. All of the visions of the past and how they have come to fruition, her journey to our family, her time with Jasper and most importantly, her visions of Bella. There were the ones when James was involved and her jumping off the cliff. I wanted to lash out at that one. Lastly, we came to the one of Bella as a vampire. It was clear and pristine and Bella was remarkable. For the briefest of seconds I longed for that stronger, more durable, less breakable version of my love.

"Ha, ha, ha. That was _fascinating_!" _She will make a outstanding vampire, exquisite. _For the first time since I arrived in Italy, I agreed with him. She would make an exceptional vampire.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Alice was smiling brightly. _We will get out of her, a few more minutes. _

"To see the things you've seen- especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" His excitement was palatable.

"But that will," Alice chirped.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem." If he only knew what would happen if someone changed their mind in the next second. Behind Aro, there were several disappointed vampires, all wishing and hoping for a different outcome then the one that was likely.

"Aro," whined Caius.

"Dear Caius, do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household…Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!" _There is plenty of time for them to change their mind, I will bide my time._

That was the opening I needed, "Then we are free to go?" I had to play it calm, in no way could I let on that we have been lying.

'Yes, yes. But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!" He was full of smiles.

"And we will visit you as well," reminded Caius. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances." _I don't trust you._

Leave it to Caius to try and gain the upper hand, but I nodded to let him know that I heard him. Behind me Felix groaned. Whether it was from the idea I would walkout out of here alive or that he was growing thirsty, but either way, I wanted us out of here, fast.

"Ah, Felix, Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience," chided Aro.

I scanned outwards and heard Heidi, she was close to returning. That would not be good. "Hmm, in that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later."

"Yes, that's a good idea. Accidents _do _happen. Please wait below until after dark, though if you don't mind."

"Of course," I agreed.

Waving a finger at Felix, Aro motioned to me, "And here. Take this. You're a little conspicuous." With that he placed Felix's cloak around my shoulders. I clasped it closed. "It suits you." He let out a large sigh.

I laughed at his whimsical desire, "Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

_Edward, we got to go, NOW! _I knew Alice was right, we would be cutting it too close.

"Goodbye, young friends." His gaze became fixed on the door behind us and I knew that meant we better move quickly.

"Let's go," I spoke to Alice. Demetri gestured that we were to follow him. I took Bella and pulled her close and Alice fell beside her other side. Her face was one of concern, it would be too close and that left too big of a chance of an incident.

"Not fast enough." I saw that she was right. For just then the quiet was broken by several voices, all talking and whispering. They were coming at us and Demetri moved to push us along the wall, allowing them to pass by.

Aro's voice boomed out when the first human made it into the room, "Welcome, guests. Welcome to Volterra!" Like sheep they were herded into the room and I was sickened. In that moment I was truly repulsed at what I was, even thought I rose above my instinct, I was ashamed of what I was. Fearful of what Bella would be thinking, I pulled her close, trying to shield her eyes from figuring out what would be happening. Seeing a small break in the crowd, I pushed us through it and that is when Bella's tears began to fall. She knew.

When we made it to the hallway, all that was left was Heidi and she was dressed for her job. Tall, with long brown hair, she was made up to appear very human, even going so far as to wear colored contacts. Demetri greeted her warmly.

"Welcome home, Heidi."

She smiled at him simply. "Demetri."

"Nice fishing," and he nodded in the direction of the room we had just vacated.

She simpered at his compliment, "Thanks. Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute. Save me a few." I strove to keep my temper in check; we were going to get out of here in a few hours. I could not risk it now. I just wish Bella did not have to privy to this part of what I am.

Heidi nodded at him and then continued on through the door. I practically dragged Bella with me, trying to get away from that room. Even though she knew what would happen, she did not need to hear it. Once again, I failed her. The screaming could be heard before we made it to the other door.

**A/N: Ahh our lovers are together. Here is a bit of Hidden Moon news: we are down to the last 6 chapters! Can you believe it! Thanks for staying with me on this ride! I appreciate every single one of you.**

**Leave me a review and I will give you a teaser! **


	26. Ch 25 Quiet Contemplations

**A/N: Look.. I am a day early! I have to give a bit of a warning with this chapter- it may get a bit cheesey, but at the end I'll explain! Much love to PisceanPal23, my beta, you have been rock solid.. THANKS! My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all my reviewers and readers! You seriously make me smile. Here was the chapter I longed to write.. I hope you like it!**

**I do not own Twilight- if I did I wouldn't be working in a cube farm.**

Quiet Contemplations

Having a vampire mind meant that I could process several things at once. Like now; I was able to truly appreciate the reality that Bella was alive. Ever since she bounded into my arms in the Plaza, it never really had time to sink in. It was an abstract concept, one that I had to wait to examine and come to terms with. But here she was; warm, soft and smelling heavenly. I was elated and overwhelmed, but she was in my arms and I never wanted her to leave.

But, because of my vampire mind, I could process the horror along with the joy. As we scrambled behind Demetri to leave the chamber room behind, he led us to the waiting area where Gianna sat behind her desk.

"Do not leave until dark." He then rushed back to the waiting banquet.

But what my mind was focused on was Bella and the fact that sobs were being ripped out of her chest to the point that she sounded hysterical. The worst thing of all, I had no idea how to comfort her. Did she want me to hold her, could I kiss her? What words would ever be adequate enough to express my deepest sorrow and regret over what she witnessed? There was a time when I knew her better than I knew myself, but that was before. Before all my revelations and epiphanies that ripped away everything I thought I knew. Now, I was clueless as to what to do.

"Are you alright?" Oh my god that was lame, but it was all I could do at that moment, I was immobile. I pulled her closer to me, hoping that would help.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls. She's going to pieces." Alice broke me out of my stunned state. She was right, I had to focus on her and doing something was better than doing nothing.

Keeping her close, I pulled her towards the couches farthest away from Gianna. The wailing noises were getting louder and her entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I was afraid my stone arms would do more harm than good.

"Shh, Bella, shh." I rubbed her arms in a soothing manner and kept crooning in her ear. I wasn't sure if she even heard it. I didn't care; I would do whatever it took to calm her down.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her." Alice's idea was less than ideal and I threw her a withering glare. _What? You got to do something. It's getting out of control._

"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right." I just kept reassuring her that she was going to be ok, that everything was going to be fine. I wrapped her up in the cloak that Aro had placed on my shoulders. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to hold her as close as possible, I needed to feel her. I wanted to talk to her, tell her so many things, but this was not the time or place.

How could I even begin to tell her how sorry I was, how much I loved her, and that I never stopped loving her? There were no words that could begin to describe the depth of my regret. So I would focus on what was happening right now. I would leave the future to the future. I needed to be content with what I knew I had. For now, that was her, in my arms, and she needed me.

"All those people," she wailed. I knew what she was talking about; I knew that it weighed on her mind.

"I know." What else could I say? She was right, it was repulsive, reprehensible.

"It's so horrible." She sobbed, as her cries slowly died down.

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that." This was what I was trying to shield her from, the true horrors and realities of our world. There were far more vampires like the ones in this castle than like me. She laid her head on my chest and I swear I could feel my heart mending.

"Is there anything I can get you?" While Gianna was trying to be helpful and it was part of her duties to look out for guests, I resented her intrusion. Could she not see this was not the time or place for her 'help'?

"No," I brushed her off briskly. She nodded and quickly went back to her desk.

Seconds after she left Bella looked up at me, "Does she know what's going on here?" There was an anger to her words, but I could not place why she felt that way.

"Yes. She knows everything." I tried to keep the contempt out of my voice.

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?" Again, there was a mixture of anger and indignation and I was clueless as to what she was thinking or feeling.

"She knows it's a possibility. She's hoping they'll decide to keep her." I tried to hide the disgust at what she wanted. Did she even know what she would be giving up? What does she see as a possible benefit to being turned?

Bella paled at my words, "She wants to be one of them?" I looked at her trying to decide if she just meant the Volturi or vampires in general. I nodded to her question.

She shuddered delicately, "How can she want that?" Her voice ended on a whisper. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of _that_?"

A part of me knew that she was talking about the Volturi and their diet and how they acquire food, that she preferred the Cullen diet. But there was another part that wondered if she finally saw too much horror connected to my world and no longer wanted to be a part of it. Would that mean I would have to give her up? Would this reunion be only a fleeting thing before we parted ways again? My stomach clenched at the idea of being away from her. I knew I was not _that s_trong to force myself to leave. She would have to tell me to go. It was the only way.

I had no answer for her, so we simply stared at each other. I looked deep into her eyes and got lost. Slowly I could feel all the shattered pieces that fell away come back. One by one I was being repaired. I would always see the fault lines that made up my new appearance. They would be the emotional scars I would carry with me into eternity. But I would do so, if it meant that I could stay with the beautiful creature in my arms. She was the one who glued me slowly back together, and she almost made me forget.

I watched as her eyes took me in. They wondered over my nose, my lips, and my hair. I wanted to hope that meant she would eventually forgive me for the stack of lies I piled at her feet in September. I wanted to talk to her. To being my apologies, but Alice stopped me short.

_Now is not the time Edward. She has been through so much and she is running on little sleep. Once she has slept, it will go better. _I arched my eyebrows at her, silently asking her if she knew how things would turn out. Sadly, she did not know. _Sorry, it's all murky. I think there are some things that Bella needs to decide first._

Panic set in. Had she moved on? Was there someone waiting for her when we got back? If so, why did she come to save me? Did that mean she still loved me? The endless questions swirled in my head and there was too much room for it all. I was floundering, looking for a way to save my sanity when Bella cried out.

"Oh, Edward."

"What's wrong?" I searched her, looking for clues to her distress.

She wrapped her warm, frail arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest. "Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" Her voice cracked with the heavy emotions she was feeling. I felt it too, the relief, the joy that we were just here, together.

I crushed her to me, the emotion finally overwhelming me and I just needed to feel her. I needed her heart to beat against my chest, I needed her warmth to soothe me, I needed scent to wash over me and mark me as hers. "I know exactly what you mean. But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."

"Yes," she nodded, "that's a good one."

"And together." There I said it out loud.

But all she did was nod. No response, no enthusiastic reply, just a nod. No wanting to dwell on it and let negative thoughts mar this time with her, I continued on. "And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully," she carefully replied. But I heard the hesitation. Did she think that some unknown problem would surface? Did she not trust me or my judgment? I couldn't fault her if she felt that way. I had earned that; I needed to regain her trust in me, in us.

"The outlook is quite good," Alice interjected, and I was swept up in her visions of her reunion with Jasper. It was sweet and poignant. I knew I had no right to hope that once we got all our issues out in the open and I was able to apologize, that our reunion would be as tender. I ached with a deep yearning for ours to be as loving as Alice saw hers.

Like two magnets, drawn to each other, Bella and I slowly turned from Alice to look at each other once again. I could feel that pull, the one that I felt from the first moment I laid eyes on her, drawing me closer and closer. Looking at her, I wondered how I ever let her go. Where did I find the strength and resolve to abandon this glorious woman? My body tingled with her nearness. Breathing deeply I let her scent wash over me and amazed me that it had little effect.

Oh, I felt the burn, but it wasn't as strong, or as potent. It was like a back ground burn, easily dismissed and nowhere as consuming as it had been. The monster in me was nowhere to be found, he was securely locked up and not a rattle could be heard. I revelled in this new knowledge. I took another deep inhale and found that there was nothing. No pain, no overwhelming thirst, no excess of venom. I could simply enjoy the beauty that was Bella's unique scent and it was incredible.

For the first time, I really looked at Bella, and I was speechless. Never had I seen her look as worn and thin. Her skin was beyond pale, it was almost sickly, she had lost weight that she did not need to lose and her normally shiny hair was lank and lacked it normal array of colors. But when I finally let myself look at her eyes, I had to school my face. The fathomless brown eyes I loved were so shaded. I saw pain, sadness and a bone weary exhaustion that I never wanted to see again.

I softly traced the dark circles under eyes, "You look so tired." _I am so sorry if I did that, love. So very sorry. _I wanted to kiss away the pain, the loneliness I saw there, but I knew it was too soon and I could not stomach a rejection right now.

"And you look thirsty." She mimicked me by studying my eyes. I wasn't sure what color they would be. I think it has been close to a month since I fed properly. But I could not summon up a thirsty need in my body. I was perfectly calm.

"It's nothing."

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice." I noticed the tightening of her face when she made her suggestion. She did not want to be apart, not just yet. But she was holding back, there was something that she was holding in reserve and I was bound to figure it out. I wanted _my_ Bella back and I would settle for no less.

"Don't be ridiculous." I wasn't about to let her go to hunt, that could wait. "I've never been in better control of _that _side of my nature than right now."

_While that may be true, Edward, you look like hell. Do you want to hunt before we board the plane? _I moved my eyes up and then down, indicating that I would not be hunting while we were still in Italy. I would wait until we were home.

While Bella and I simply stared at each other, Alice began talking about getting home. Alice decided that once we were outside the city walls, she would steal a car to get us to the airport in Florence. I agreed that would be the best option. She began to make calls and within a few minutes we had three seats being held for us. We were assuming that once the sun set we would be allowed to leave. Alice had us on the first flight that was leaving at night.

The whole time we were making plans, I never let my grip on Bella lessen. I _needed _to feel her; I still had a hard time believing that she was really alive. I still had no solid grasp on what actually happened. I knew that she did jump off the cliff, but was not real sure what happened after that. I made a note to ask Alice and have her tell me mentally once we were on the plane. I did not want to be distracted by the story and I had a feeling that it was going to be an uncomfortable one.

Out of the blue, Alice spoke, "What was all that talk about _singers_?"

"_La tua cantante_."

"Yes, that." Her voice was a bit confused, she had never heard the term, but I had heard it in passing from Carlisle.

I did not want to show how much that term affected me around Bella, I did not want to add any pressure that she may be feeling in regards to our relationship. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my _singer_- because her blood sings to me." What I didn't want to tell her was that it was rare for a vampire to let their singer live.

Alice laughed. _That's just one more thing to add to your already complicated relationship with her. But, it's got to mean something that you have resisted her and fell in love with her, right? _I rolled my eyes at her, but I wondered if she wasn't partially correct. Did the fact that she was my singer mean anything more, now that I am in love with her, that she is my mate? It would be something I would want to discuss with my father at a later point.

Now, I would focus on the here and now; concentrate on making sure that they will let us leave the city walls, and even the country. I wouldn't feel completely at ease until we were in the air. Even then I may not fully relax. My priority was to get Bella out of here and back home to Washington, where she belonged.

I watched Bella as she gazed at me and tried to decipher the multitude of emotions I saw. I was unnerved that I couldn't see much. It was like she was holding everything back; keeping me from seeing whatever it was she was feeling. Problem was I didn't want her to hold back, I wanted to see it, no matter what she was feeling. It scared me that she was quiet and reserved, much more than Bella ever was with me. It was like I was seeing my biggest fear manifest, much like that night in the attic when it all became crystal clear- when I realized I may have broken Bella. Looking at her now, I could see there could be a case made that I had done just that.

I tried to lull her into sleep; I could see the heavy droop in her eyes and the weariness in her body. But she fighting it and I had no idea why. Sleep would afford her the ability to escape the nightmare we were in, a way to recharge her emotional and physical needs. I was selfish in that I wanted to hear what her mind would tell me. In the months apart hearing her sleep ramblings was one of the things I missed the most. It was the only chance I had at hearing her unfiltered thoughts. It was the first way that I truly knew she loved me. But stubbornly Bella was fighting sleep and as much as I wanted to be upset by it, I said nothing. I did not think I had that I had the privilege to air my concerns.

We had been sitting for almost three hours when I heard someone approach. I clutched Bella closer as Alice and I watched Alec approach. Bella noticed his vivid crimson eyes and cringed into my chest. I tried to keep my distain out of my eyes, but I knew I failed when he smirked at me. His thoughts were no better and he began to purposefully goad me.

_Are you sure you would not share her as an after dinner desert? _The laughter inside his head had me nauseous. How Carlisle was able to live with them for over a decade I'll never understand. I was completely repulsed by what was before me and what it stood for.

"You're free to leave now. We ask that you don't linger in the city."

"That won't be a problem." My tone was frosty and devoid of any emotion save for anger. Alec gave a slight nod of his head and then left the reception area.

Gianna's voice then rang out, "Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators. The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now." Her voice grated on me the longer she spoke. I wanted to shake her, to make her see that she was never going to be one of them. She was only waiting to die. But I knew without a doubt that she would never listen, she was convinced she could make them want her.

_Idiot! Fool! _I looked over at Alice and saw the absolutely withering glare she threw at Gianna. Obviously she felt the same way I did.

We made our way quickly to the street level, in a hurry to get out of Volterra as soon as possible. We did not want to give them any just cause to bring us back inside. Once outside, I watched as Bella looked back and felt the tiny shudder that coursed through her body. I pulled her closer, trying to lend as much support as I could.

_I'll meet you outside the city walls. Let's be quick about it. _I nodded to Alice and she slipped into the shadows on her way to find us a ride out of the city. As she left I saw the yellow Porsche she had stolen on their way here and hoped she could find something as suitable. I chuckled lowly, only Alice would think of fine German sport cars at a time like this.

Tucking Bella to me, we made our way through the crowded plaza. At this time of the day, the celebrators were mostly adult and they were hideously dressed. I saw more capes and fake, plastic vampire teeth than I care to admit. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Bella soaked it all in. From her expressions, she was not quite sure what to make of it all.

"Ridiculous," I muttered to her, distain evident.

Bella looked over her shoulder and a look of panic crossed her face. "Where's Alice?" I could hear the fear and anxiety in her words. It pained me that she felt this way, and deep down I knew her panic was more than over Alice's sudden departure.

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."

"She's stealing car, too, isn't she?" There was a small hint of humor and it made me smile. Maybe there was hope for us after all.

"Not till we're outside."

We continued on and as we walked I realized how exhausted Bella looked and acted. From the brief information I gleamed from Alice, they had been traveling for almost a full day. Bella had to be utterly tired. Her body sagged more and more into me and by the time we reached the gates, I was half tempted to carry her everywhere. Not that I would mind, to have her in my arms, that is all I want right now. Nothing else matters if I had her to hold.

As we walked out of the city walls, Alice was already there in a late model Fiat. She shrugged when I looked at her. A Fiat is a long way from the Porsche of earlier today. I opened the door for Bella and motioned for her to get into the backseat and I followed right behind her. I wasn't leaving her side unless she told me so. That was my new vow to her.

Alice watched us get settled, "I'm sorry. There wasn't much to choose from." Her tone was sour and disappointed.

Smiling I responded, "It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos." I watched as she replayed driving in from the airport. It sure looked like a sweet ride. I was kind of jealous that I didn't get to experience it for myself.

"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous." She ended on a dreamy sigh and I could not help but chuckle at her.

"I'll get you one for Christmas." It was the least I could do for her her seeing as she came out to save me and all. She beamed at me and I smiled right back. It felt good to be with her again, to be us once more. I knew that we still needed to talk and we were going to, just not now. I needed to focus on Bella and getting us back on track.

"Yellow," she reminded me and I gave her a short nod.

Turning back to Bella and the cloak I had wrapped her in, "You can sleep now, Bella. It's over." I whispered gently to her. I was worried about the effects of lack of sleep and all the stress from the last day or so.

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired." She was lying and I knew it. It was getting easier and easier to read her.

Bending low to murmur in her ear, "Try." She stubbornly shook her head no and I could not suppress the sigh of frustration. Why was she being difficult? What was going on with her?

"You're still just as stubborn." There was no reply and the rest of the drive was spent in silence. Even Alice was unusually quiet. Her thoughts were quite focused on her reunion with Jasper and the move back to Forks. Those were the two things she was looking forward to the most.

When we arrived at the airport in Florence, there was a flurry of activity. Alice went to get me some clothes and I was immensely grateful. Bella went off to do her human moments and Alice checked us in and made sure the family knew we were on our way home. Before Bella returned I cornered Alice.

"When we are in the air, I want whole story, Alice. I need to understand what happened." I was pleading, but I did not care. I could sense that there was something going on inside Bella's head and it was keeping her from me. I wanted to know why she came for me. If it was because she loved me, then I had hope that things were going to be ok. If it was out of some other feeling, well, I wanted to be prepared for the idea she may have moved on.

Alice looked at me closely and I was sure she saw my desperation. She nodded once, "Ok, but you better keep it together. You may not like what you hear or see." With that, she went to our gate leaving me to wait for Bella.

Less than fifteen minutes later we were on the plane to Rome which was a rather short ride and in another hour we were on route to Atlanta. The whole time I watched Bella as she fought to stay awake. I tried to rack my brain as to the reason why, but came up empty. I knew it was serious when she asked for some caffeinated pop.

"Bella," I warned her with a sharp look. I could not help it. She became jittery and hyped up when she drank pop.

"I don't want to sleep." She hurried on in a rush. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares." There was nothing I could say to that. Guilt and shame overwhelmed me at the idea that all we went through could cause nightmares. I did not want that, I wanted my sweet, sleep talking Bella. I wanted everything to be back to normal, even though it never would.

Once Alice was done speaking to Jasper, reassuring him that she was indeed fine and was never hurt in anyway, she began her tale. She explained the vision, even replaying it for me. I watched as she flew to Forks in a whirlwind of fear and panic. I listened as she described seeing Bella walking in the door smelling like a wet dog. I inwardly cringed as I took in Bella's haggard appearance even then. No longer could I assume it was because of fast paced trip half way across the world. It was just another clue to the idea that Bella suffered when I was gone.

Alice went on to explain about Jacob and how he pulled her out of the water and her theory that she didn't see him as he was a werewolf. I tried very hard to contain the snarl that was threatening to erupt. Bella… with a wolf, and young one at that! I was livid. Before I could get too upset, Alice continued her tale telling me that the wolves had several run-ins with Victoria. I nearly lost it then. All my tracking and searching had been in vain. When I went to Rio, Victoria must have backtracked and went to Forks. In an attempt to soothe myself, I began to stroke the sensitive skin on Bella's wrist, feeling her pulse beneath my fingers reminded me of what was important. The fact that she was alive and with me was all I needed.

She finished her tale with her call to Rose and the plan for Bella to come to Italy with her. She replayed Bella's response to Alice's vision of me. I was simultaneously overjoyed at Bella's frantic need to get to me. But there were a few things she said that set me on edge. Not wanting to dwell on it, I focused on Bella.

Several times it appeared as if Bella wanted to speak, I could see the questions swimming in her eyes. But each time she came close, she bit down and I her eyes became guarded. Everything about her was guarded. We were both touching each other, staring intently, but I could feel her holding back. The Bella I knew and remembered would display exuberance and unbridled joy. Her touches would be bold and sure, now they were shy, timid, and almost fearful.

So I tried my best to show my reassurance, my love for her. I stroked her everywhere I could reach. I placed feather soft kisses on her face, her wrists and even her hair. I desperately wanted to kiss her lips, to feel their warm softness as they molded against mine. I had been without that feeling for too long. But it was too intimate of an action and we had much to discuss.

We arrived in Atlanta and Bella and I had yet to speak a word to each other. I tried to question Alice when we were switching planes, but she just shook her head.

_The two of you will have to figure this out for yourself. You made this mess, brother of mine; you get yourself out of it._

I wasn't thrilled with what Alice said, as true as it was. I tried to shake the doubts that were clouding my mind, but was unsuccessful. So they swirled and tumbled and asked questions I had no answers to. Did she still love me? Was there even a future for us anymore? Would she ever forgive me? Had she moved on? I came back to that question often; for it was the one I feared the answer to the most.

By the time we were about two hours from home, my insides were a panicky mess of jumbled emotions and fears. I couldn't contain the very real fear that I would lose Bella as soon as we walked off the plane. I even went so far as to imagine someone else besides my family waiting for her. It was a nameless, faceless person, but definitely male. I knew I needed something to quell the fear that was steadily getting out of control.

Urgently, I searched for a way to calm my nerves. I knew that nothing would get figured out on this plane, were both unwilling to speak right now. I wanted something to cling to, some hope, faith or sign that things were going to be ok. I knew that I didn't have it in me to find the hope I so desperately needed; I knew that from the attic. Unsure of what Bella was thinking or feeling, I could not lean on her and the faith she once had in us. So I did something that was completely uncharacteristic, I asked for a sign.

I tried to nonchalantly to look around the cabin of the plane, hoping that something would scream 'sign'. I just needed to know that everything would be okay. That Bella and I would be able to figure everything out and I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I just wanted something to tell me Bella was still mine.

As my gaze made another sweep of the cabin I noticed a guy in a seat in front of us listening to music and one of the ear buds had fallen out. I focused on that tiny speaker and heard the tail end of a song that captured what I was feeling.

_And now I'm calling, calling out your name  
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in  
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_

_I want it, I want it, I want it_  
_I want it, I want it, I want it, yeah_  
_I want it, I want it, I want it, yeah_

_And I'm all in, calling out your name_  
_Even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in for life_  
_And I'm all in, nothing left to hide_  
_I've fallen harder than a landslide_  
_I spent a week away from you last night_  
_And now I'm calling, calling out your name_  
_Even if I lose the game, I'm all in_  
_I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_  
_Yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_

As I listened to my feelings unfold in song I couldn't stop myself from thinking that the next song to come out of that ear bud would be my sign. Whatever I heard next would tell me exactly how things were going to go. I knew it was cheesy, I knew it was juvenile. But I was so scared; scared of the consequences I would face because of my actions. Fearful that I finally managed to screw up my only chance for happiness, completely terrified that I have lost Bella forever. So, I let it all go. The next song to come on would tell me if everything was going to be ok.

As the seconds ticked by and I heard the last cords of the music fade away, I held my breath in anticipation. When I heard the first few opening notes, I wished once again that I had the ability to cry. Never had a song sounded so sweet. Turing my gaze fully on Bella, I sang the song to her, even if it was only in my head.

_This time, This place  
Misused, Mistakes  
Too long, Too late  
Who was I to make you wait  
Just one chance  
Just one breath  
Just in case there's just one left  
'Cause you know,  
you know, you know_

_That I love you_  
_I have loved you all along_  
_And I miss you_  
_Been far away for far too long_  
_I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

I longed to sing out loud, for her to hear how much I missed her, how much I need her. She was my life, my air, my heart, my very essence and I knew with complete certainty that I could never be without her. I had to have her in my life, in any shape or form; I needed to be where she was. So in my head, I kept singing.

_On my knees, I'll ask_  
_Last chance for one last dance_  
_'Cause with you, I'd withstand_  
_All of hell to hold your hand_  
_I'd give it all_  
_I'd give for us_  
_Give anything but I won't give up_  
_'Cause you know,_  
_you know, you know_

_That I love you_  
_I have loved you all along_  
_And I miss you_  
_Been far away for far too long_  
_I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

_So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
But you know, you know, you know_

_I wanted_  
_I wanted you to stay_  
_'Cause I needed_  
_I need to hear you say_  
_That I love you_  
_I have loved you all along_  
_And I forgive you_  
_For being away for far too long_  
_So keep breathing_  
_'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_  
_Believe it_  
_Hold on to me and, never let me go_  
_Keep breathing_  
_'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_  
_Believe it_  
_Hold on to me and, never let me go_  
_Keep breathing_  
_Hold on to me and, never let me go_  
_Keep breathing_  
_Hold on to me and, never let me go_

In the simplest of terms, I craved to hear Bella tell me that she still loved me. I knew I had no right to expect that, but it was what I want to hear her tell me. But I took heart in the song. It fit us, it spoke of us and that allowed me to cling to a tiny fraction of hope that I did not have before. As the plane began its decent towards Sea-Tac, I found myself latching onto a small bit of optimism and faith.

As we made our way towards the exit, I could hear the thoughts of my family. They were heavily guarding themselves, not sure what they would see, and not sure what was happening. Bella was cautiously looking in their direction and I observed as she gazed at the reunion between Alice and Jasper. For a brief second I saw hurt, pain and longing. I ached to take those away from her, to turn her towards me and fall upon my knees and beg her forgiveness. If that is what it took, I would do it for as long as she needed me.

As we came closer, Esme grabbed Bella into a fierce hug. I saw her eyes and the unshed venom floating in there. _My daughter, you are back. I am so very sorry. I love you. _Her thoughts cried out and I took them in. I deserved all I was going to here. It was just some of the many consequences I had to face.

"Thank you so much," whispered Esme. Bella's only response was to tighten her grip.

Just as quickly she was in my arms and I wanted to cry along with her. "You will _never _put me through that again." _You and I will need to talk, soon. _I knew that was coming as well. I had hurt them all and I needed to make it right.

"Sorry, Mom." One day soon I hoped I could tell her how sorry I truly was.

Carlisle walked up next to Esme. "Thank you, Bella. We owe you." _Not only for saving my son, but for ever leaving you in the first place. _Carlisle had nothing else to say, content to watch as his family was put back together again.

"Hardly," was Bella's mumbled reply. The tiredness she was fighting on the plane was slowly overtaking her. I knew it was only a matter of time before she could hold out no more. I looked forward to that more than anything.

"She's dead on her feet," exclaimed Esme, throwing a scathing look at me. "Let's get her home."

We slowly shuffled to the waiting cars in a sheltered overhang of the parking garage and I was greeted with Emmett and Rose waiting for us. I stiffened visibly, not really wanting to talk to Rose right now. There was too much between us, most of it bad, and I had not the patience or the inclination to deal with her.

"Don't," whispered Esme, "she feels awful."

"She should." I was not going to pretend that everything was fine, but I was willing to be as civil as I could be, for Esme's sake. I owed that to her.

"It's not her fault," interjected Bella, although it was quite slurred. She was fast falling asleep on her feet.

"Let her make amends. We will ride with Alice and Jasper." I nodded to my mother and slowly made my way to my siblings, but I did not try to school my face into anything other than utter contempt.

Of course Bella spotted it right away and played peace-maker, "Please, Edward."

I could deny her nothing, even when it made no sense. So, I pulled her towards the car and tucked her into my side in the back. I focused my attention on Bella, it would be only way I could survive the car ride home.

_Edward, I don't even know where to begin. I did not know that you would react that way. I underestimated your love for Bella. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused. I will try and be more understanding of you and Bella._

"Edward," began Rose. I had heard her organize her thoughts; it was more than I cared to hear and nowhere close to erasing the huge gulf between us.

"I know," was all I could give her.

_I should apologize to Bella; I put her in danger as well. _"Bella?"

Bella's eyes opened briefly, "Yes, Rosalie?" Her voice was unsure and timid.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me?" I was surprised by the honesty I heard in her words. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for her, but right now I was not willing to bet on it.

"Of course, Rosalie. It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you." If it was possible, I loved her even more as she spoke. She couldn't stay mad for long, even when she had good reason. I wished I could be half as selfless and she was.

"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose." Emmett chuckled at Bella. _It's nice to have her back, Edward. You too, I guess. _I could hear the humor in his words and knew that everything was fine in his world.

"I'm conscious," argued Bella as her eyes slowly closed once again.

"Let her sleep," I chided Emmett, but there was a lack of bite to my words, I was glad to see that Emmett was happy.

With Rose's driving we were pulling into Forks rather quickly and for the first time I worried about Charlie's reaction to seeing me. Alice had replayed a conversation she had with him the day before they left and it was safe to assume that I was not high on his list of favorite people.

We pulled up to the house and I carefully extracted Bella, trying not to jostle her as she had finally fallen asleep. She looked so peaceful and she needed the rest. Charlie must have heard us as we pulled up for he was flying out of the house, headed straight for us.

"Bella!" The relief he felt at seeing her alive and well was staggering.

"Charlie," mumbled Bella, it was barely recognizable.

"Shh, it's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep." I tried to walk toward the open door, but was blocked by Charlie. It was like he finally realized I was standing there. When his eyes met mine his thoughts went straight into disorganized chaos. I saw images of Bella staring off into space, I watched as he ran into her room because she was screaming. Over and over the images and words came; I almost staggered with the weight of them.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." _Stay away from Bella. You are not good for her. I won't let you hurt every again! _I had never heard such furious thoughts emanate from him. All he could think about was how to get Bella away from me and make sure I stay out of her life.

"Stop it, Dad." Bella tried to say, but it was so weak, he did not hear.

"What's wrong with her?" He demanded.

"She's just very tired, Charlie. Please let her rest." I tried to keep my voice calm, but all I wanted was to see Bella tucked into bed.

"Don't tell me what to do!" his voice grew in volume. The need in his words to get in the house with Bella was staggering. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

I tried to give her to him, but Bella clung onto me, her eyes pleading that I just keep holding her. Never had I felt so torn.

"Cut it out, Dad. Be mad at _me_." I couldn't stand to listen to Bella trying to take the heat for this. She had done nothing wrong, I deserved Charlie's wrath. Throughout all this I steadily made my closer and closer to the front door. I was growing more frustrated by the second and I was fighting the urge to fly by Charlie and rush her up to her room.

"You bet I will be. Get inside." Charlie addressed Bella, but he never took his eyes off of me.

"Kay. Let me down." I didn't want to, but I knew it would appease Charlie if I listened to her. So I gently set her down, but kept my hands close as she tried to steady herself. I watched as she tried to move but all that happened was that her torso began to sway as she collapsed.

I scooped her up; I had enough of Charlie and his attitude and anger. He could rail at me all her wanted after I got her into her bed.

"Just let me get her upstairs. Then I'll leave." I pushed my way through the door as I was speaking. Hearing my words, Bella's eyes opened wide, they were full of fear. Her tiny hands fisted into my shirt, clutching at them as if they were a lifeline. My heart gave a lurch at the sight.

"No!" she cried, unshed tears gathered at the corners of her eyes.

Bending close to her ear I reassured her. "I won't be far."

I entered her room and laid her down. I pulled the covers over her and brushed my fingers on her cheeks. Slowly I worked her fingers from my shirt. I made my way down to the living room where I faced an irate Charlie.

Pointing to the door, he stated flatly, "Get out, now! You are to never walk through this door, ever again. Do I make myself clear?" His eyes bored into mine. _You will never get a chance to hurt my little girl ever again, over my dead body you little punk._

I nodded to him and calmly left through the open door. I slid into the back of Rose's car and we drove away. Blocks later they wordlessly stopped and I got out. In seconds I was back at Bella's house, scaling my tree. Nothing, not even a pissed off father was going to separate me from my Bella and that was a promise I was planning on keeping.

**A/N: See... when I started this journey.. I did lots of thinking and I swear whenever I was planning or writing or thinking about this story- Nickelback's Far Away would be playing.. it became my anthem to writing this story. So I needed a way to put it in. The other song was Lifehouse's All In. I hope you didn't find it too cheesy!**

**Please leave me some love. I so want to break 200 reviews by the time I am finished with this story.. can you help by leaving me love! Like always- teasers to those that leave me signed reviews! **


	27. Ch 26 Reconciliation

**A/N: Another week.. and another update! Everyone is very happy we are at this point in the story.. I hope I will do it justice! I am trying real hard to update once a week until the story is finished... and if we don't count this one... we have 3 chapters to go. So, if you know where we are in the story.. you should realize that I have added an extra chapter. So between the last chapter of the book and the epilogue, I will add my own extra chapter... YEA!**

**Thanks for all the wonderful reviews.. I read and respond to them all...infact I get bummed when they are not signed or allow me to respond! Please enjoy!**

**I don't own Twilight.. if I did..well.. I would finish Midnight Sun!**

Reconciliation

I was back at the place that I once called my sanctuary, I finally felt whole. There was a peace in me that had eluded me for all these months. I had forgotten the calmness that just being in her presence could bring to me. I breathed deeply, letting her scent wash over me, reveling in the fact that I barely felt the burn. It amazed me that it no longer affected me like it once did. There was no constant desire for her blood that I needed to contain. There was no excess of venom that flowed at the smell of her intoxicating scent. That's not to say that her scent was any less appealing to me. No, it still held me captive, but now I could appreciate it for what it signified; she was alive and well.

Since I crawled through her window, I had been unable to take my eyes off her. What I saw thrilled and troubled me. Even though I spent the entire plane ride looking at her, I never really looked at her. I was too busy freaking out in my mind to fully comprehend the sight before me.

I was shocked to see how very thin she had gotten. What I had thought was a few pounds now looked closer to ten, maybe even fifteen. There were deep circles under her eyes that spoke of many sleepless nights, not just one or two. Her skin was paler, to the point of looking sallow and unhealthy. Her whole demeanor looked frail and defeated. She was different. All I could think was that I had done that to her.

I knew it to be true because I saw some of what had happened through Charlie's thoughts as I waited in the tree outside. I also knew he was censoring his memories. Not for my benefit, but for his. Whenever he would get to something he felt was painful, he would force himself to think of something else. That was the first realization I had that my actions affected someone outside of Bella and my family. I had a lot to make up for, and none of it was going to be easy.

But all of that was a mute point if the angel lying beside me didn't want me anymore. That was why I was so happy to be where I was for the time being. While she slept I could hold her, kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. I could marvel at the miracle that she was alive, something that astounded me to this very second. While I understand how everything came to pass, I still was bewildered by it all. It was one mistake and misunderstanding after another. Now that I was far removed for it, I could almost see it as comical…almost.

So, once again, I found myself contemplating my life and more importantly, me being in Bella's life. I knew without a doubt that we could never be apart. I am a man that learned from my mistakes and I know beyond a shadow of any doubt, my leaving her was a colossal failure. So, now I wondered where we would go from here.

I ran through my options, there were only four that I saw. I had tried two of them, and they had failed. The other was no longer an option I wanted to entertain because Bella loved me and I no longer wished that she didn't. So as I saw it now, I had one choice; stay in Bella's life. It was simple and honest and I loved the sound of it. Of course that all hinged on her taking me back. That lone thought put a pang of fear in my chest. The conviction and faith I had on the plane now rested on a crumbling foundation and only Bella could make it strong again.

But…what if she _didn't _want me back? I closed my eyes against the sudden and intense pain that thought could bring. I could feel the ghost of the hole-ridden self I was the all those long months begin to reemerge. I curled myself closer around her, needing to feel her warmth, to ground me in the here and now. I knew I needed to be prepared for the possibility that she had moved on or didn't want me anymore. Taking deep calming breaths, I considered what I would do. I blocked the agony and concentrated solely what I would do if she turned me away.

It was hard to fight against the pain, it wanted to pull me under, drown me in the sensations of loss. A whisper of pain escaped my lips and I gazed at Bella. What would I do without her? I would be lost, adrift; I would be a shell of a person. But deep down, if she no longer loved me, if she ordered me away from her life, I would go. If it would make her happy, I would go. It would kill me inside, but I would do anything for her, anything. I would leave her life, but hang in the fringes of it. She would never see me, but I could make sure she was happy and safe.

Knowing what I would do in that circumstance, I quickly retreated to happier thoughts. I refused to waste one single moment in her presence on negative thoughts. When she woke, I would do whatever I could to convince her of my regret and love. Being with her was the only option I was going to entertain.

My musings were interrupted by a whimper from Bella. She began to thrash around, her face puckered in fear. I heard her mumble, but I was unable to make out any words. I stroked her cheek, smoothing her hair from her face.

"You're alright, love. You're safe." I continued to hold her, trying in any way to get her to relax and go back to sleep. A few minutes later, the tension in her body abated and she once again fell into a peaceful slumber. I worried that the trauma from Italy would leave her with nightmares and I was saddened to see I was right. It was yet another consequence of my actions. Briefly, I worried that all the damage was irrevocable. The fallout seemed far reaching and immense. It may take me a life time to repair it all.

Which leads me to the next sticky subject I am in no rush to figure out. If Bella takes me back, what would I say if she asks me to change her? Knowing Bella, she _will_ bring the subject up; it was the condition of our escape from Volterra. And, even with my epiphany from days ago, it was hard to let go of her humanity. Now that we had a second chance at it, I was finding it harder to let go. Acknowledging that I had the desire for her as an immortal was a far cry from acting upon it. I did not want her to sacrifice anything for me. Allowing her to be changed just seemed to be the ultimate selfish act and I could not shake that feeling.

Deciding that getting worked over all these issues before making things better with Bella was a bit premature, I banished everything away. I then spent the next few hours in blissful silence, just watching her sleep. Several times she cried out and thrashed around. A few times I heard her cry out for me, other times she pleaded with me to stay. Those were the hardest times. I simply held her and reassured her that I was never going to leave her.

Slowly the sun set and the stars came out and I continued to watch her sleep. I had missed doing this for months and I felt like I had so much to catch up on. She continued to mumble periodically, she called out for me and once again begged me not to leave. Each cry and whimper tore at my heart and I did all I could to reassure her that I was here to stay. Charlie had checked on her once late at night. Through a gap in the closet door, I watched as he tenderly stroked her check. But it was his thoughts that almost wrenched a sob from me. The sheer panic he felt when he came home and found her gone, the hours that went by as he received not one word from Bella. He replayed all the screams he had heard from her in the middle of the night over the past few months. He showed me the dead eyes and unresponsiveness that greeted him each time he came home. Each image was forever burned into my memories and all I wanted to do was bleach them away.

To see the result of the worst decision in my life was almost more than I could take, but I would. It was one of the million different ways I would need to serve my penance. I would have to earn the trust and love of so many people, if I could even get them back. But I would do anything, say what I needed to say, suffer whatever punishment that was meted out. It was the least I could do. I also vowed to speak to each member of my family and issue them an apology. I had hurt each one of them and I owed it to them.

A few hours later, Bella began to move around. Her breathing sped up and her body uncurled. I stayed by her side, hoping that she was finally going to wake. I was anxious to talk to her and start rebuilding a new relationship. Her eyes moved behind closed eyelids and her face displayed confusion and apprehension. Not understanding what she was thinking, I patiently laid by her side, waiting for her to open her eyes.

Inhaling deeply she shifted slightly towards me, sensing that she was about to wake, I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead. I tried not to chuckle as she squeezed tight her already closed eyes. With a sigh that was bordering on resignation her flew open and gazed at me momentarily before she threw her fists to her eyes.

"Oh!"

Puzzled I said nothing, trying to figure out what was going through her mind, and not really understanding her reaction to seeing me. Perhaps she would go back to sleep. It was not unheard of people to have brief moments of lucidity while fast asleep. Seconds past and then she opened her eyes. Soft pools of warm chocolate looked at me and I paused. How I missed just looking into them.

"Did I frighten you?" That seemed a simple question to ask her.

I watched as her eyes traveled all over my face; my eyes, my nose, my lips. It was like she was cataloguing everything, trying to become familiar with something she had lost. Her brow furrowed in determined concentration, her eyes blinking rapidly. Her silence was concerning, I tried not to overreact, but my mind had runaway with all the possible horrible scenarios that could play out.

"Oh, _crap_." Her voice was thick with sleep, but it had never seemed more melodious.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She was not reacting normally and it was beyond frustrating.

Her lips turned into a grimace, "I'm dead, right? I _did _drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." There was the Bella I knew, always thinking of others before herself. I tried not to laugh at her thinking that she had died. But then, maybe the stress was too much and her mind had finally snapped. It would be an understandable reaction.

"You're not dead." I wanted to remind her that if she was dead, I would be as well- but I kept silent.

"Then why am I not waking up?" she questioned, looking at me to explain it all. Where do I begin?

"You _are _awake, Bella." That seemed to be the best place to start. She needed to know she wasn't dead or dreaming in order for us to have any type of conversation.

Of course, Bella was not going to believe me _that _easily. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. _If _I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…" her voice trailed off and she looked so scared and lost. Part of me realized that I was not among those she listed that may miss her if she was dead. I tried to let it go, but it lingered.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." I tried not showing how her words affected me. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

She scowled at me, "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." Her tone was so matter-of-fact, that it stunned me. Even after all I did to her; she still felt I deserved heaven. I could not stop the sigh that escaped. I watched as her eyes flickered all around. I could tell that she was beginning to wake and that she was piecing together the events from the last few days. I could pinpoint when she realized that maybe she was awake.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" I could see that she was struggling, trying to sort out fact from fiction. The sad reality was that everything that has happen was very real. How I wished that it was nothing more than a horrible nightmare. Then we could both wake up and everything would be back to normal. But that was nothing more than a fanciful dream, one that could never come true.

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes." I did not want to rehash our experience there; it was still too fresh in my mind.

"How strange," she responded as if I had never spoken. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" I rolled my eyes, she was making no sense.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore." She was being honest. Her eyes were brighter, more alert. She glanced at her window and the dark night. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

Slowly she stretched, trying to shake off the last remnants of sleep. "Charlie?"

I could not help but frown, I should tell her that he banned me from the house. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I am breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear." I was prepared for her to agree with him. I expected it. One of these days I should learn she never does what I think she will.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" My heart wanted to celebrate her anger of his actions, but I pushed it down, knowing it wasn't going to be that easy.

"Did you expect anything else?" I whispered. In amazement, I watched as her eyes flared from anger, to indignation and lastly resolution. I understood none of those emotions, they seemed out of place.

"What's the story?" Her complete switch in topic threw me.

"What do you mean?" I wasn't completely sure I knew what story she was referencing.

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone, anyway?"

Why was she asking for a cover story? Did my leaving cause her to drastically change? She did not seem to be the same Bella. But I loved her just the same.

"Just three days. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." Honestly, I thought that was the least of our worries, but again, I was a bit biased.

Groaning, she muttered, "Fabulous."

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." I smiled at her, telling her that we could figure it out, together. A heavy silence surrounded us. I could see the fear and trepidation in her eyes. I wanted to wrap her up and hold her till she could _feel _my love.

Her eyes suddenly turned down and she picked at her blanket, making her discomfort obvious.

"So, what have you been doing, up until three days ago?" She tried being nonchalant when she spoke, but I could tell there was something more going on. There was an air of nervousness to her; she was so very hesitant around me. I expected something far more extreme in her reactions; yelling, screaming, crying. But this almost too calm, it was scary.

Shouldn't she be demanding that we talk about September? Should she be this calm, this detached? Had I really done so much damage that she was no long willing to feel? The Bella in front of me was so vastly different from the one that I left.

Just as troubling was how did I answer her? Did she really want to know what I was doing or was she trying to get another response out of me? I was torn how to answer. But I knew I didn't want to start out our reunion with lies. Lies were what brought us to where we are now and it did us no good.

"Nothing terribly exciting." I knew the answer was vague, but until I had a better understanding of what was going on, it seemed the best course of action.

"Of course not," she mumbled. She frowned and looked so lost.

"Why are you making that face?"

She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts, "Well…If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kinds of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

What is it with her thinking that she was dreaming? I just didn't understand. The sigh escaped before I could swallow it down. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?" I was beyond perplexed by her demeanor. This was not how I pictured our reunion. Everything felt wrong.

"Nightmare!" I looked at her and waited for her to continue. "Maybe, if you tell me."

Being at a loss on how to answer, I went for something simple. "I was…hunting."

"Is that the best you can do?" Her tone was scathing. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

Of course, Bella wasn't going to accept my minimal answer. She always had the ability to see right to the heart of the matter. But I was unsure how to answer her. Why would she care what I was doing? Once again I wondered where the tears and the anger were. I tried again to simplify my response.

"I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it." I watched her, trying to figure out what she was asking of me- what it was she wantied from me.

"What were you tracking?" She looked curious, but that was to be expected, this was Bella after all.

"Nothing of consequence." This wasn't going the way I imagined. It felt all wrong. This wasn't the important things we need to discuss. Was she afraid? Where were the questions I expected to answer? Deep inside I felt an ache, a throbbing of pain. It was something I was familiar with; guilt, pain, doubt.

"I don't understand." Of course she didn't, we were going about this all wrong. I tried to find a way to save this, to save us, but there was so much she needed to understand, so much I had to say.

"I-"How did I even begin? Was there even a hope for her to understand? I was afraid that the answer was no, because I couldn't comprehend it all myself. Looking at her, I knew it all had to come out. I took a deep breath and began.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea." Once I began speaking I could not stop the flow of words, they flew out in a rapid pace and I hoped that she could comprehend them all.

"I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria"- I was unable to contain the snarl that rumbled deep in my chest. To know she was after my angel, it was unfathomable- "would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now- she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her over confidence that clouded her feelings about him- that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."

It was sad that my confession expounded just one more way that I had failed her. I needed to get it all out there, I needed to purge my heart of all my failings, and I needed to express the depths of my guilt and pain.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice- what she saw herself- when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of _werewolves, _immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself-" I tried to hide my revulsion, my self-loathing but I was unsuccessful, the shudder rippled throughout my entire body. I needed to make her see how sorry I was.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this, I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Stop." It was quiet but commanding. I froze. Here was the reaction I had been expecting. Sudden fear and anxiety gripped me. I knew we would have to hash this out, but I was terrified of the end result. I could not survive losing her another time, I was certain of that.

I watched as she struggled to find the right words, and for the first time I saw emotion. It was fast and fleeting but it was there- pain; raw and undiluted pain. It cut me to the core. But before I could comment on it, it was gone. In its place was a mask of utter coolness and emptiness. It was a frightening transformation.

"Edward." Her voice broke, it was tiny, but I heard it. It cut me, made me feel more wretched than I already felt. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…this _guilt_… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life _is _for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and _not your fault_. I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! Its very irresponsible- think of Esme and Carlisle and-"

She was getting more and more worked up as she spoke; her eyes were wide and almost frantic. She was desperate- almost like she wanted to let me go. But she had it all wrong, did she not remember?

"Isabella Marie Swan." Her name rolled off my lips like a caress. It felt good, it felt right. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty_?"

The confusion on her face would have been adorable if I wasn't a bit perturbed that she had it all backwards.

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." Guilt was written all over me, it wove through my thoughts and it placed its stamp on all my actions.

"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand." I could see that she was telling me the truth. She had forgotten what I told her all those months ago. Her words were beginning to make sense to me.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead." I stared at her, intently, wanting her to see the depths of my love for her. She needed to see that I could not live without her. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death"- I couldn't repress the tremor that coursed through me- "even if it _wasn't _my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful- I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" Now, when we were safe, I could see how things conspired to stack against us.

"The odds…The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again." I felt a greater understanding for the tragic romance that Bella loved. I could see us now, through that lens and I would try my hardest to keep us from ending in tragedy.

"But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?" Was she serious, was she not listening to what I was saying?

"So what if I _was _dead?"

I could only look at her. Part of me was crushed that either she did not remember what I told her or she did not believe me.

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember _everything _that you told me." Now it made sense, she was still thinking about all that I said on that horrible day. I needed to set her straight, I needed to explain everything to her.

I couldn't help but place my finger on her lips to keep her silent. Her warm breath bathed my finger and I held back a sigh of relief. She was so perfect.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I could not help but smile at her. I felt a small bubble of joy and contentment sprout deep inside my heart. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist." There, I reminded her.

"I am…confused." We looked at each other, trying to figure each other out. I could see her confusion. It wasn't that she didn't remember it was she was focused on the last things I told her. She believed the lie, she still did. Even with me by her side, after all we went through in Italy, she believed the lies.

"I'm a good liar Bella. I have to be."

Her response was instantaneous. She froze. Everything about her froze, she was completely locked down. Even her breathing ceased. To me, it all became clear. To her, all that was pertinent were the last things I told her. Those were the truths that she believed. It was so painfully obvious and it was time for me to come clean.

Gently shaking her, hoping she would relax and listen to what I have longed to tell her.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I could not contain my grimace of pain. Her acceptance of my deception still hurt. "That was…excruciating."

She was still frozen. Could she see the truth- that I had lied so horribly to her?

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye-"my words were whispers, echoes of the pain of that day. I knew we were both back there, in our minds, reliving it.

"You weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it- it felt like it would kill me to do it- but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd _moved on, so would you." The pain was muted, but present.

"A clean break," she whispered gently.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible- that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry- sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."

It felt good to finally tell her, to express my regret and pain and for her to see how utterly wrong I was.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?" That was the question I had pondered all these months. It tormented me, made me insane with my own fears and doubts.

I saw the shock in her eyes; she was still trying to figure it all out. So I pressed on.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly _believed _that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept- as if there were any way that _I _could exist without needing _you_!"

Still I could see the uncertainty, the denial of my words. It was so easy to break that trust and now I feared I would never get it back. I shook her again, she had been too still. I needed her to really hear what I have been saying.

"Bella, really, what were you thinking!"

As suddenly as she had frozen, she began to sob. Tears sprung from her eyes and tracked down her cheeks.

"I knew it. I _knew _I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," and a short frustrated laugh escaped. It was time that I let her know how I really felt. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have _always loved you, and I _will _always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

Her head began to shake before I had even finished speaking. It was maddening.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I could only whisper the question, I was so fearful of the answer. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," came her honest answer and it blew me away. She still had it so wrong, I was the undeserving one. I needed to make her see.

"I'll prove you're awake." I took her face in my hands and cradled it gently but securely. I watched as she tried to get away, but I refused to let her hide from the truth any longer. Ever so slowly I inched my way closer to her.

"Please don't," was her whispered plea. My lips were scant inches from hers.

"Why not?" I wanted her to explain, to give me a reason why I couldn't close the gap between us.

"When I wake up"- I began to protest and she hastily corrected herself- "okay, forget that one- when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." Her fear of me leaving cut me deep, but I knew I would spend the rest of my existence reassuring her just how much I love her. But now, things were making more sense.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you _have _moved one, as I meant for you to? That would be…quiet fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please- just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"

I felt awful for putting her on the stop, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to know if she was still mine or was she forever lost to me.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please." I was not ashamed to beg, if that was what I took.

She glared at me and I saw the beginning of a fire, it flickered and I vowed to do all I could till it was brilliant flame, burning brightly.

"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you- and there's nothing you can do about it!"

My heart soared, "That's all I needed to hear."

Without warning I crashed my lips to hers- it was an exquisite feeling, one I had missed. Oh how I missed this! She was warm and everywhere around me I felt it. Her body molded perfectly to mine, I felt its yielding softness along all my body. Our hands reached and began their explorations. Once again I traced the curve of her cheek, then to her jaw and along her forehead. I felt her scorching fingertips as she mesmerized my face once again. In her wake, my face was lit with tiny pinpricks of heat. In between our kisses, I chanted her name, relishing in the way it felt as it fell from my lips. It was not lost on me that the pain and aches I had been feeling were gone. They replaced with joy, happiness and love. I was where I belonged; I had found my way back home.

Bella pulled away, I was sure it was because she was getting light headed, so instead we laid together, my head over her heart. It was pounding out a furious rhythm and it was in time with the pants from her lungs. Knowing that after all this time, I could still affect her and that she still loved me- I was ecstatic. My wildest imaginings had been surpassed.

"By the way, I'm not leaving you." She needed to hear that, she deserved to know that I was to remain with her- always. I was greeted with silence. She was still skeptical. I would have no more of her doubts; she will see the truthfulness in my words.

Looking at her I continued to explain, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a change at a normal, happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you- keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you." I paused. She had to understand, I was desperate for it.

"So I had to try. I had to do _something_, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only _you _could be more important that what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay- thank heavens for that! It seems you _can't _be safe. No matter how many miles I put between us." Now let her even think about doubting me again.

"Don't promise me anything." Her voice was so soft and almost helpless sounding. She was resigned, still to the idea that I would leave.

Anger hardened my eyes. Why was she being so infuriating about this? Why was she still clinging to the lies, even after I told her that I love her?

"You think I'm lying to you now?"

"No- not lying." She was shaking her head and I could see the look of concentration in her eyes. She was choosing her words carefully. "You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

The flinched was automatic at that visual; it dragged forth such painful memories. I watched as she looked off, still thinking, trying to find the words that would explain her hesitancy towards me.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right." Her words hinted at the underlying pain, she was used to me making decisions without her. She expected me to do so now. She was not aware of the transformation I undergone. She could not see that my every action was in her hands.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time- and not much of it- before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

Her grimace was adorable, "Be serious, please."

Her refusal to listen to what I was saying was exasperating. "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I paused, looking for a sign that she was really going to hear me out. I needed her undivided attention, but more importantly, I needed to have her heart open to me.

"Before you, Bella, my life was life a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. …And then you shoot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there were brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled, still unconvinced.

"That's the problem- they can't."

"What about your distractions?"

Wow! She really believed every lie I told her. I could not help the chuckle that escaped. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…the _agony_. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone- like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny." Did I hear her right?

"Funny?" I couldn't wait to see what she would say next.

"I meant strange- I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." As to prove her point, she took a deep luxurious breath. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

Maybe she finally understood. I closed my eyes and placed my head on her heart, welcoming its melody, listening to the familiar cadence. My heart jolted when she pressed her ace into my hair, it was the first contact she initiated.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"

Of course we were back to this, she never forgot anything. "No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then followed a false lead down to Brazil- and really she came here." I groaned in frustration, another failure. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worst than my worst fears-"

"You were hunting _Victoria_?" Her voice shrieked as quiet as she could. We both listened for Charlie. When his snores could be heard, she looked at me.

"Not well," not understanding why she was upset. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is…out of the question." Her voice was strangled, like she had trouble getting the words out.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after-"

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" She was trying to be calm, but I saw the wild panic in her eyes. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned, she had to understand; Victoria _had _to die. The snarl rumbled deep at the thought of her still alive and wanting Bella. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die. Soon" The snarl was louder by now.

"Let's not be hasty. Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

Finally something we could agree upon, "It's true. The werewolves are a problem." I still had a hard time believing that she was hanging around them. Only my Bella would do such a thing.

She let out a very uncharacteristic snort. "I wasn't talking about _Jacob_. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I wanted to argue the point about the wolves, but I knew this was not the time or the place. With me back and able to see to her safety, they would become a mute point. But I was still angered by how she dismissed my concerns.

"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?" I was sure her answer would be enlightening.

"How about the second greatest?" It didn't escape my notice that she failed to answer my question; I filed that away to ask her later.

"All right."

"There are others who are coming to look for me." She was whispering again. The fear of the Volturi was clearly evident. Of course, she would be hyper focused on the ultimatum that got us out of Italy. But this threat was easier to manage than Victoria

"The Volturi are only the _second _greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it." Of course not.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again." We had time before our hand would be pressed and even then, things could be figured out.

I watched as pain and terror swam in her eyes. Her body went still and she started a faint trembling.

"You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." Her eyes quickly filled with tears and I was at a loss on how to comfort her. She was in no danger from the Volturi, I would make sure of it.

"While you're here." Why are we back to this? I grasped her face in my hands, holding her tightly so she could see the truth of my words; she could see the conviction that was in my eyes.

"I will never leave you again."

"But you said _thirty_. What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right." A few stray tears fell and it was heart wrenching. But I wasn't surprise that we landed here, I was waiting for it. I had hoped it wouldn't have happened this soon, but I could deal with it.

Even though I admitted to myself what I wanted, I still had issues about her soul. That was something I could not let go, not yet, or perhaps ever.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." Why was she unable to see how this pained me? As much as I wanted her with me- for eternity- I could not take away her soul. That was a line I was unable to cross.

"Is this really…" she looked deep in thought, but I pressed her to continue.

"Yes?"

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your _grandmother_?" I read the revulsion in her eyes. But she had to know how I would always see her.

I softly wiped away the tears that had fallen, "That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…" I stopped, knowing I should say the words, but dreading them as well. "If you outgrew _me_- if you wanted something more- I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

Could she see the torment in my eyes that saying those words caused me? Did she hear the longing in my voice? I would walk away, if she desired me to. But I would always watch over her, keep her safe, to protect her.

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?

"I'll follow after as soon as I can." To me it was that simple.

"That is seriously…sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left-"

"Let's just back up for a minute." The sadness in her eyes was replaced with anger. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm _thirty_. Do you really think they'll forget?" She was seething by now. Did she really think that I wouldn't do what I needed to keep her safe?

"No, they won't forget. But…"

"But?"

I couldn't help but smile at her; she looked so adorable in her fury. "I have a few plans."

"And these plans…these plans all center around me staying _human_."

Like I would have it any other way."Naturally." We glared at each other. Neither wanting to move and acquiesce our points. We were at a stalemate.

Seconds later, her back straightened and she made to push me away from her. I wanted to panic, but I swallowed it down.

"Do you want me to leave?" I prayed she did not hear the pain that twisted around that question.

"No, _I'm _leaving." I watched as she stumbled around in the darkness of her room. She was looking for her shoes, I was sure of it. But why did she want to leave, where would she go?

"May I ask where you are going?" If I knew that, maybe I could delay her.

She never broke off her search to answer me, "I'm going to your house."

Not wanting her to hurt herself, I gave her the shoes she was looking for. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck," she answered matter of fact.

"That will probably wake Charlie." I was still perplexed as to why she needed to go to my house. I would take her there in the morning if she wanted. My family had no bearing on the conversation we were having.

She sighed, "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me." This I had no doubt on. I would have to work hard to gain his trust back.

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here." I knew what she would say even as I said it.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She made for the door and I flashed there, blocking her way. She frowned and without another word, walked to the window. I swallowed the groan. Why was she so determined to get out of here?

"Okay, I'll give you a ride." If only to make sure she got there in one piece.

She shrugged, not really looking excited about my offer. "Either way. But you probably _should _be there, too."

"And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My views on what subject?" I was beyond infuriated at this point, she was making no sense.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then you family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?" Each word was sharp and short. Realization was creeping and it made me nauseous.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

What?

**A/N: Ok.. so tell me what you think.. please... reviews make me happy so.. flood my inbox with happiness... please! As always, I will respond and send a mini teaser to all who review!**


	28. Ch 27 Future Plans

**A/N: Ahh so we have arrived! I hope I did it justice! Thanks to everyone who reviewed- you guys make my day! You astound me! As always to PisceanPal23- thanks for your help!**

**I wish I owned Twilight- at least I can write stories and make Edward do MY bidding! *evil smile* ENJOY!**

Future Plans

I was completely shocked by her statement. I had nothing good that I wanted to say, so I chose to say nothing at all. Knowing that, regardless of what arguments I raised, she was determined to see this through. With a resolute look at her, I swung her into my arms and leapt from her window.

"All right then. Up you go." If she missed the anger that leaked into my words I would have been surprised. I could barely contain myself. I had no idea who she thought she was, pulling something like this.

Once she was settled, I took off. It surprised me, the feeling of rightness that stole over us. For this small frame of time, everything felt right, almost normal. There was the familiar warmth of her body on my back, the small puffs of air on my neck as she rested her chin on my shoulder. I could feel the thud of her heart against my back and her arms wound around me, holding me tight. For a second, all pain and anger and grief was suspended. Instead we were surrounded by love and purity and wholeness. The night wrapped us in its embrace and the cool air caressed us as I ran past the trees and shrubs.

Suddenly I felt her lips upon my neck. It was soft and gentle. It was the first affectionate gesture she made since we got back. It allowed a tiny flicker of hope to flare. For the first time, in many months, I felt optimistic that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you. Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

Her laughter rang out into the night, it was an amazing sound. "Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

"I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act." I desired to have her trust. It was essential. We couldn't build a solid foundation to our relationship if we didn't have trust. I knew that now, I learned it the hard way.

"I trust _you_. It's me I don't trust."

That confused me, so I questioned her, "Explain that, please." Not knowing how long this would take, I slowed to a fast walk as the house wasn't too far way. I wanted Bella to have every opportunity to express herself and to have me listen. I haven't given her many chances to do that and I vowed to correct that.

"Well, I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold _you." I watched as she struggled to fine the words to express her feelings. But more than that, I heard her. This was a classic example of her feeling inadequate around me, like she found herself lacking. In the past I would simply disregard her as being silly. But I could see it weighed heavily on her mind.

Stopping all together I moved her to stand in front me, but I kept her within my arms. It would take a force of nature to make me release her. I cradled her tight, needing to feel her.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." How could she not see that she owned me? Everything I am, everything I have is hers. If only I could articulate how Marcus saw us, that intricate web and the strings that bound us to each other. Even after months apart, they were numerable and glowed so brightly. Seeing that, there was no doubt in my mind that she was mine and I was hers.

"You never did tell me…" I broke off, not sure if I wanted to go down this road.

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is." I tried to keep my voice steady, but inside I was a mess.

"I'll give you one guess," she stated and then gently touched the end of my nose. Suddenly my worst fear had come true.

"I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that." I had hurt her so much. I was beginning to worry that the damage was irreparable.

Bella had the gall to roll her eyes at me. "The worst the Volturi could do is kill me." My eyes narrowed, silently asking her to explain herself.

"You can leave me," she softly explained. "The Volturi, Victoria…they're nothing compared to that."

The truth I saw in her words cut me deep. To know that she would prefer death over ever having to lose me was too much. Pain ripped through me and I was unable to school my face to keep her from noticing.

"Don't," she whispered soothingly as she reached for my face. "Don't be sad."

I tried to smile, but even I could feel that it did not show. "If there was only some way to make you see that I _can't _leave you." I searched her eyes, trying to see if she could see _my _truth. "Time, I supposed, will be the way to convince you."

She brightened considerably, "Okay."

It was easy to see that she was trying to placate me. Deep down I knew she wasn't convinced of anything that I had told her. Whether she felt this was all a dream or was unable to begin to believe me, I was uncertain. All I knew for sure was that Bella did not believe me. That was devastating to me.

"So- since your staying. Can I have my stuff back?" It was obvious that she was trying to change the subject and make it light between us. But the look of innocence she tried to play actually made me laugh.

It was time for another confession. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets- they're all under your floorboards."

"_Really_?"

The pleasure I saw her eyes at my confession made some of the hurt dissipate. A true smile graced her lips and her eyes held that familiar shine. I nodded at her question.

"I think," she stated slowly, "I'm not sure, but I wonder…I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?" I was confused about where this was heading.

She had a thoughtful look and it intrigued me. "Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing voices."

What? Did I hear her correctly? "Voices?"

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story."

I simply stared at her. If she thinks she was going to use that flimsy excuse she better think twice. I got nothing but time on my side. "I've got time." Try again, love.

"It's pretty pathetic," she hedged. I continued to look at her.

"Do you remember what Alice said about the extreme sports?"

What did this have to do with anything? "You jumped off a cliff for fun." I made sure my tone voiced my displeasure.

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle-"

"Motorcycle?" I wasn't sure how I remained calm, but I was sure my face was beyond furious.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No."

"Well, about that…See, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt do much- it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."

She turned thoughtful and I was stunned into silence. "And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clear was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

I didn't know what to think or say… there was just too much. Here words revealed so much to me, but I was stuck on her putting her life in danger.

"You…were…risking you life…to hear-"

"Shh," she interrupted. "Hold on a second. I think I am having an epiphany here."

While she had her breakthrough, I was trying not to break down. To hear what she did, all in the name of hearing my voice, to listen to her tell me it was too painful to think about me- it was too much. I wanted to rage and cry, to scream and whisper words of comfort to her. Hearing about the depths of her pain and despair nearly did me in. It was only because I could see and feel her in front of me that I was able to hang onto my sanity.

A few minutes had passed and she was still deep in thought when she let out an excited, "Oh!"

"Bella?" I was getting a little impatient.

"Ok. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" My patience had run out, she needed to start explaining.

"You love me." I was stunned momentarily by the conviction and sincerity of her words. Was it possible that she was starting to believe me?

I couldn't help but smile at her, "Truly, I do."

I could see her blossom right before my eyes. There were spots of color on her cheeks; her eyes were brimming with love and passion. Her entire body relaxed and almost melted. It was like she was being reborn. The absolute joy and happiness that radiated out of her intoxicated me. Without thinking, I grabbed her face with both of my hands and kissed her.

That kiss told her of my love, of our love, how we could build it back up to make it strong, to make us stronger. From her I felt relief, contentment, understanding and the hint of forgiveness. It was sweet and tender; it made me felt whole all over again. Knowing she needed to breathed I pulled back but only enough to rest our foreheads against each other. Both of us were panting, me from passion, Bella from lack of oxygen.

"You were better at it that I was, you know." She gave me a glimpse into her suffering, I would do the same.

"Better at what?" She was still slightly out of breath.

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn't be around my family- I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me."

Memories of those dark days flooded me and briefly I was back there. I could feel the echoes of the loss and pain that consumed me. But it was then that I realized how we both suffered. We both paid a horrible price for my mistakes.

"It was much more pathetic that hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."

I sensed her relief and it pleased me. We could both, in a way, understand the other's pain. We learned the hard way that being apart didn't work. We could be so much more together.

"I only heard one voice," she reminded me with a hint of a smile on her lips.

I hugged her closer and laughed at her adorableness. Slowly we made our way to the house.

"I'm just humoring you with this. It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." They all knew my take on Bella's humanity and my aversion to her being changed.

"This affects them now, too." Her concern for my family was admirable but misplaced. Hasn't she learned that we are all capable of taking care of ourselves? I gave her statement a shrug.

Silently we entered into the house. It felt good to be back and a sense of peace and comfort washed over me. This is the place I would always call home. I turned lights on as we went through the house. I could hear my family upstairs engaging in their various nighttime activities. But since we entered the house, there were waiting to see if they were needed.

"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" I called out to them in a normal tone. In a flash my father was standing next to Bella who startled a little. It would take some time for her to get used to how we move again.

"Welcome back, Bella." The joy in his voice was unmistakable. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

She gave him a nod, "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

She looked at me, but I was focused on my father. _Is there something wrong? Is everything okay?_

I gave him a small nod and he then turned back to Bella. "Of course. Why don't we talk in the other room?"

He led us from the living room to the dining room. He also turned lights on as he went. Flashes of the night I told my family I was leaving dotted my brain. I tried to tune them out, but they still played. They were reminders of my horrible transgressions. It didn't surprise me that Carlisle led us to the dining room. It had been where most of the major decisions had been discussed and decided upon.

Carlisle held out the chair at the head of the table. I heard my mother as she followed us, along with the remainder of my family. I sat down next to her and my father sat on her other side. As everyone else filed in they sat down.

I looked at Alice who was beaming with anticipation. I tried to see what she knew but she was blocking me by interpreting the _Magna Carta _into Italian. Everyone else had an expectant look and were questioning me in their thoughts as to what Bella wanted to talk about. Once we were all seated, Carlisle gave her the floor.

"The floor is yours."

I kept my eyes trained on her. I could easily see she was nervous and in a show of understanding, I clasped her hand under the table. While I may not have agreed with what she was doing, I was going to give her the freedom to speak her mind.

"Well," she began hesitantly, "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything," she chimed.

I did not miss the knowing glance she gave my sister, "And on the way?"

"That, too." I could see that while Alice mentioned the promise she made to get up out of Italy, she also clued the family onto Victoria and her possible plans involving Bella.

"Good," sighed Bella. "Then we're all on the same page." She took a few minutes to gather her thoughts and then plowed forward. "So, I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing- something to avoid."

She looked sad and concerned and I hated that she felt the need to bear this responsibility.

"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that." She looked at every member of my family, most of which were still a bit confused as to where this was all heading. Me, I couldn't help but grimace when she finally looked at me. This was so unnecessary.

"But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not." Esme made to refute what Bella was saying, but she held her off with a finger. "Please let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote."

I was slowly losing my patience and my ability to stay calm. How could she do this? Her mortality was too important to be decided upon by a vote. She still could not comprehend the enormity of her decision. I was trying to be objective. See it through her eyes. So in all honesty I could see that she was doing this out of a sense of concern for my family. I just didn't agree with it.

"If you decide you don't want me, then…I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have _them _come _here_."

The idea of her going to Italy alone was unacceptable. She had to know I would do everything in my power to stop her. A low growl began in my chest, but it didn't faze Bella in the least.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."

She turned to Carlisle to have him begin and I couldn't stay silent anymore. The anger that was simmering was threatening to boil over, I had to try and put an end to this craziness.

"Just a minute." She glared at me and I gently squeezed her hand hoping she would allow me this chance to speak. I needed to let her know there was no rush, no hurry when it came to the Volturi.

"I have something to add before we vote." Of course Bella sighed. "About the danger Bella's referring to, I don't think we need to be overly anxious."

I could see that I had everyone's attention and I wasn't above using that to my advantage. I leaned on the table.

"You see, there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." I couldn't help but smile at what I figure was a pretty smart move. One of the Volturi's greatest weakness, at least in my opinion was their reliance on their gifts.

"Which was?" I could see that Alice was a bit perturbed by my confidence. I knew she was Bella's greatest supporter when it came to Bella becoming a vampire.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I looked at her to see if she did and I was greeted with a shudder. I would take that as a yes.

"He finds people- that's his talent, why they keep him. Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker- a tracker thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the …flavor? I don't know how to describe it…the tenor…of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances."

I paused to make sure that everyone was following me and it appeared that they were.

"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" I trailed off to see if Bella would figure out where I was going.

"You think he won't be able to find me," she concluded flatly.

The smile refused to be suppressed. "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless. It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"

_Nice thinking, Edward. _Emmett's praise felt good. Looking over at him, he had wide smile and I gave him one right back.

Of course, Bella was still flustered, "But they can find you."

"And I can take care of myself." She had to know that I would think of everything, especially if it was in the name of keeping her safe and human.

Emmett's laugh broke the tension between us, "Excellent plan, my brother." We fist pumped each other. He saw the beauty in my plan; it felt nice to have him on my side.

"No," spat Rosalie.

"Absolutely not," exclaimed Bella.

"Nice," Jasper voiced.

"Idiots," muttered Alice.

_Edward, that sounds dangerous. _I looked over at Esme and she was glaring at me.

Besides me, Bella got a determined look on her face and took charge again. "All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let's vote."

She pinned me with her stare and addressed me first. "Do you want me to join your family?"

Internally I scoffed at her. _Nice try, Bella. _She chose her words with care but I wasn't biting. "Not that way. You're staying human." It was like she knew that would be my answer. She simply nodded and turned away.

She looked at my pixie of a sister. "Alice?"

"Yes," came her firm reply. _It's going to happen, one way or another, Edward._

"Jasper?" His reply I was less certain about, but I hoped he would side with me.

"Yes," was his response. Both Bella and I looked surprised by his response. _It would be easier for me, Edward. I don't want to ever have the chance to hurt her. _What? This can't be right?

Before I could process that, Bella had moved on. "Rosalie?"

I heard the hesitation in Rose's mind, and I was surprised by what she was thinking. "No." It was soft but firm. It was shocking but not surprising that she was on my side about this. It must have been no surprise to Bella for she didn't say anything and made a move to move one when Rose stopped her.

"Let me explain. I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that…this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me." My entire family knew the pain she felt over her transformation, but Emmett bore the brunt of it. She would give it all up, even him, for a chance to be human.

Bella nodded at Rose's words and moved over to Em.

"Hell, yes! We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri." As always, he was full of enthusiasm and mirth, even when discussing someone's mortality. However, I was getting more irate as the votes tallied up. Did no one in this family understand and even _respect _my views on this? What about my other option? I was flabbergasted.

Bella obviously did not like the idea of Emmett itching for a fight of any kind. She turned to look at my mother. It was then that I realized this was not going to go my way. Feeling of betrayal and hurt slowly crept in. Suddenly, the knowledge that this was no longer an issue between Bella and me became apparent. My entire family knew how I felt about Bella becoming a vampire. Yet, here they were, one by one, going against me.

"Yes, of course Bella. I already think of you as part of my family." Esme words were gentle and kind. She meant every single one of them. To her, Bella was a dearly loved child. She caught my eye and addressed me. _You need to see this as something she wants, Edward. She wants to be with _you.

I couldn't acknowledge her because I was riveted on Carlisle's face and thoughts. I was livid, instantly. He _knew _how I felt. I poured my heart out to him, all my fears and concerns. He was the one person that I thought would stick by me on this, no matter our ideological differences.

_Edward, please. You have to see it from my point of view. I can't lose you. You are my son._

"Edward," he said gently. _Try to understand. _I thought that was pretty low, had he even considered my thoughts.

"No," I nearly growled at him. If it wasn't for the fact that Bella was here, things would have gotten ugly by now. As it was, I was barely holding onto my sanity and my anger by a very thin thread.

"It's the only way that makes sense. You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice." I couldn't believe it. Words escaped me and I just needed to get out of here before I blew. I dropped Bella's hand and pushed away from the table. As I stormed out, I heard Carlisle's sigh.

"I guess you know my vote."

"Thanks," came Bella's reply. Then I lost it. My entire family, with the exception of Rosalie had gone against me. I figured that Alice and maybe even Esme to a point, but the others really surprised me. Just thinking about it all, fueled my rage and I pulled the flat screen off the wall and threw it out the window.

None of the understood, they did not comprehend the pain and the grief that consumed me at the idea of Bella as a vampire. They were not privy to the sometimes overwhelming desire I had for just that to happen. But it was too much, it was asking for too much from Bella. There had to be a better way. I wanted there to be one.

Vaguely I heard Bella as she thanked everyone for voting with her. It felt like my chest was being squeezed in a vice, I couldn't breathe. This was all spinning wildly out of control and I had no recourse to bring it back under my control. IN the recesses of my fuzzy mind, Carlisle was pleading for me to understand, but I blocked him. It was simply too much betrayal, too much hurt.

Somehow through the fast coursing emotions and thoughts, I heard Bella ask Alice where she wanted to change her. WHAT? She wanted to do it now? Was she insane? Without a second thought I raced back into the room.

"No! _No_! NO!" I couldn't contain the fury. I stopped in front of Bella, eyes blazing. "Are you insane?" I had to ask, there could be no other reason. "Have you utterly lost your mind?" I couldn't help but shout, I was beyond scared and angry.

Even when Bella cringed and threw her hands over her ears, I couldn't find it in me to care.

"Um, Bella. I don't think I'm _ready _for that. I'll need time to prepare…" I could hear the uncertainty in Alice's voice. But of course Bella was obvious to it.

"You promised." She had the nerve to glare at my sister. I knew all too well the 'promise' Alice made. But even Alice knew she wasn't equipped to handle biting Bella.

"I know, but…" pleaded Alice. "Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to _not _kill you." _Edward, please believe me. I wouldn't do it if I felt I would hurt her. You have to know that. _Strangely, I did and it was the only comforting thought I had.

"You can do it. I trust you." This time I did not hold back the snarl that rumbled in my chest. Even Alice looked panicky at Bella's misplaced sense of trust. Of course, Bella was determined to make things happen sooner rather than later.

"Carlisle?" No, not this way. I grabbed her face and held out my hand to Carlisle. Of course, he ignored it and chose to answer her.

"I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control." Over my pile of ashes would I allow my father to change her.

"Sounds good," replied Bella. I had to say something, just to stop this madness.

"Hold on. It doesn't have to be now." I glared at Bella, daring her to contradict me.

"There's no reason for it not to be now."

"I can think of a few." I several hundred and if need be, I'd list them all.

"Of course you can. Now let go of me." I did as she asked and folded my arms across my chest. We were going to sort this out right now.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them," she retorted. Fine, she wanted to play that way. I'll pull out every stop I could think of.

"In the interest of remaining _inconspicuous_, I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house." I said all this while looking into my father's eyes. He knew that there was no good reason to act now. He knew, as well as the rest of us, that if we acted now, we would have to leave. Moving with a newborn was not easy. I could see that Carlisle knew I had a point.

"That's a reasonable request, Bella." Whether he was saying that because he was trying to get back in my good graces or he actually believed it, I didn't care. The reason mattered not, just that I could prolong this asinine idea that Bella had. I needed time.

We all watched as Bella mulled over my words and Carlisle's agreement to them. She had to know that she couldn't force one of us to change her. Her only choice right now would be to back down. I held my breath, hoping that she would do just that.

"I'll consider it," was her resigned reply. With those words, I relaxed and I exhaled.

"I should probably take you home. Just in case Charlie wakes up early." I feared the longer we stayed, the more likely something else would happen. We had enough drama over the last few days, we didn't need any more.

Unmoved by my attempts at getting her out of the house, she pinned Carlisle with a steady gaze. "After graduation?"

"You have my word." _We will talk later, Edward. _I refused to acknowledge him or the promise he just made. Satisfied to get Carlisle's agreement, she turned towards me with a smile on her face.

"Okay. You can take me home."

Without another word being said, I ushered her out the back not wanting to see the mess I made. Once outside I threw her upon my back and we took off. I could feel her joy and it made me sick. The whole way back to her house, I spent thinking. There had to be something I could say or offer her that would make her change her mind.

I was surprised that she let the trip to her house pass in silence, but she could always read me. She knew I would need to process all that happened. She may even be expecting me to talk her out of it. What I needed to figure out is what she wanted more than becoming a vampire. So the whole run back to her place, I put myself in her shoes. By the time we were back in her room, I had several possible ideas, I just wasn't sure if she would go for it.

I paced the entire length of her room, letting the ideas spill into my head and arrange them into something that resembled a decent plan. Of course, Bella watched this with frustration and a bit of apprehension.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work."

"Shh. I'm thinking."

That displeased her, because she collapsed on her bed and threw her quilt over her head. Well, that was not what I wanted to see. In a flash I was beside her on the bed and I pulled the covers off her face.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now…tell me something." Here goes nothing.

"What?" she hedged.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be." I needed her to let something loose that I could use. I had a few ideas, and I was hoping she'd prove me right.

"You," was her automatic reply.

I shook my head, "Something you don't already have." I was hers, unequivocally.

I saw the gears turn as she thought through her answer. I knew whatever she said could be the possible bargaining chip I could use.

A few moments later she haltingly answered. "I would want…Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want _you _to change me." Hmm, I had thought that may be something she wanted. Now, to see _how _bad she wanted it.

She watched me, thinking that her declaration would send me into another rage, but it was just the opposite. It gave me something to hold over her. Let's see if I'm right.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?"

Her surprised look was priceless and she answered without thinking, "Anything." Ah, so this was something she wanted. Gotchya, my love.

Smiling I offered, "Five years."

Schooling my features, I had to try hard not to laugh at the look of horror that fell onto her face at my suggestion. "You said anything," I reminded her, dangling that carrot.

"Yes, but…you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human- for me, at least. So, anything but _that_."

I wasn't surprised by her refusal of that much time. Plus, she knew me. I would try and find a way out of it. But I wasn't giving up just yet.

"Three years?"

"No!"

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?" I could see that my question struck a nerve. She wanted this bad. I could see the determination in her eyes and then the way she tried to square her shoulders as if she was preparing to enter battle. It was adorable.

"Six months?" The fact that she asked it as a question showed me she knew I wasn't going to go for it. My eyes rolled before I realized.

"Not good enough."

"One year, then. That's my limit." She was trying to stand firm, I admired her for that.

"At least give me two."

Shaking her head, "No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere _near _twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I." Ahh, we are back to the whole age thing, once again. I understood her objection to it; I just didn't agree with it.

I could see that haggling about time wasn't going to be the way to go. So instead, I thought about what _I _wanted. What would I want to have happen before I gave her what she wanted most in this world? Would she be willing to give me what I wanted, especially if it was the one thing I wanted most? Taking a deep breath, there was only one way to find out.

"All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one- then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition? What condition?" she was nervous, and rightly so, I was about to turn the tables on her.

Making sure I had her attention, I looked deep in her eyes and said the words I longed to say since Rio.

"Marry me first."

She paused for several seconds, and then deflated my desires in one swoop. "Okay. What's the punch line?"

I sighed, "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious."

"I am one hundred percent serious." I let her see the desire and passion in my eyes. I wanted this and I wanted it bad. Marrying her would show everyone that she was mine. But more than that, it would bind us in a way that nothing else could.

"Oh, c'mon," she pleaded. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

Bella looked away from me and back out the window we just came through. Through the reflection I could see that she was upset. Her eyes were guarded; her mouth a grim line and I could feel the tension rolling off of her. Never would I have suspected she would react this way to my proposal.

"Look," she began, still facing away from me, "marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

"Interesting choice of words." I tried to make light of it all, but she was deeply troubled.

"You know what I mean." I wasn't sure that I did, but I wanted to figure it out.

"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment." I mean she does want to be a vampire- that was a never ending commitment. Marriage was just another we could add onto it.

"That's not it exactly. I'm…afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

So, was she more worried about what her parents would think? I did not understand her hesitation. "Because she's rather you become one of the eternal damned than get married." I laughed at my joke, hoping to draw out her true fears and concerns.

"You think you're joking." Now I knew she wasn't serious. There was a deeper reason. But at least I had my condition. The fact that we were discussing this whole marriage idea showed me that she really wanted me to change her, but she wasn't ready to give in to my demands, yet.

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to battering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" She had to see the irony of it all. Shaking my head I continued, "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then-" I trailed off, wanting to see what she would say.

"Well, what if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?" Really, Bella, calling my bluff? I bit back a laugh, but smiled brightly.

"Sure. I'll get my car." I moved towards the window.

"Dammit," she muttered. "I'll give you eighteen months."

I had her now. "No deal. I like _this _condition." I continued to smile at her; the joy I felt was evident.

"Fine," she replied nonchalantly, "I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

She was pouting and trying to wheedle her way out of it. Again, I called her bluff. "If that's what you really want." I gave her a noncommittal shrug. It was plainly evident that she wanted me to change her. I knew it from the second she uttered it. Now that we talked about it, she _would _think about. Now that there was the possibility that I would change her, she will be unable to forget about it.

"You're impossible," she moaned. "A monster." Again, she proved how much she wanted this.

Laughing, "Is that why you won't marry me?" She let out another moan and I leaned in for another persuasive attempt. "_Please_, Bella?" I stared at her intently, showing her how much the idea of being married to her meant to me.

For a few seconds she forgot to breathe as my scent washed over her, ruining her ability to concentrate and think clearly. She shook her head, attempting to gather her wits about her.

"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" she shouted. That of course woke her father.

"Now you've done it," I whispered. We both heard his bed creak and him moving around.

"Oops."

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave." I didn't relish the idea, but I knew we would have to be separated at some time. I heard her heart stop for the smallest of seconds. Knowing she wasn't ready for us to be separated, I offered a suggestion. "Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"

"No," she whispered, relieved. "Stay. Please."

I gave her the smile I knew she loved best and disappeared into her closest. Seconds later, Charlie came in. Through the small crack in the opening, I saw the determined look on her father's face. He had several things on his mind and he was determined to get them out.

"Morning, Dad."

"Oh, hey Bella. I didn't know you were awake." He knew, but he was hoping that she was only talking in her sleep. He did not relish the discussion that he knew he needed to have with her.

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower." Bella moved to get ready when Charlie stopped her.

"Hold on." He turned on the lights and looked his daughter. "Let's talk for a minute first." _She needs to explain what her running off was all about._

Bella's face scrunched up in an adorable grimace. She was about to take the heat for my mistakes. Part of me wanted to go out and deflect it, put it back on me. But, I knew Charlie seeing me wouldn't help matters.

"You know you're in trouble," he reminded her.

"Yeah, I know," she replied sounding contrite.

"I just about went crazy these last few days. I come home from Harry's _funeral_, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were trouble." I wanted to snort at that comment. I knew what Jacob was trying to plant a seed of contention with Charlie.

"You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when- or it- you were coming back. Do you have any idea how…how…" He didn't have the words to encompass the fear that he felt. In his mind I could see the state of mind he last saw her in and for a brief moment while she was gone he thought she had hurt herself. He took a deep breath and tried to gather his terrifying thoughts.

"Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?" I could see the challenge in his eyes. Looking over at Bella I didn't miss the way her eyes narrowed at Charlie veiled threat.

She sat straight up and pulled the covers closer, looking right at Charlie she answered. "Because I won't go."

"Now just one minute, young lady-"

"Look, Dad," she interrupted. "I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too- but that won't make me go to Florida."

As Bella spoke, Charlie became more confused and flustered. Bella was taking the words right out of his mouth, leaving him with little to stand on. "Would you like to explain where you've been?"

Pure panic crossed Bella's face. "There was…an emergency." Come on, Bella. You got to lie better than that. If I knew she would hear me, I would have whispered something better to her. Even Charlie pinned her with a knowing look. Bella realized that she needed to come up with something more specific than she offered.

"I don't know what to tell you, Dad," she began. "It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand." She looked at Charlie to see that he wasn't buying it. _Need more Bella, nothing you have told me will save you from grounding._

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…" One look at Charlie and I could see he knew nothing about her cliff diving activities. It took Bella a fraction of a second to figure that out as well.

"I guess didn't tell you about that. It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidently made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to… L.A., to explain in person." She tried to shrug it all off.

"_Were_ you trying to kill yourself, Bella? " Charlie questioned her, horrified.

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push lids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing." I barely contained my fury at the casual way that Bella tried to play off the whole cliff diving incident.

Charlie feeling satisfied with Bella's explanation, turned his attention to his next biggest issue. "What's it to Edward Cullen anyway? All this time, he just left you dangling without a word-" I could sense his outrage and it was focused at me.

"Another misunderstanding."

An angry flush colored Charlie's face, "So is he back then?"

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I _think _they all are."

Charlie was not pleased to hear this. _I need to keep him away from her. He can't have another chance at hurting Bella, again. I won't let it get that far._

"I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again." I found it hard to disagree with what he was saying. But I had made a vow, regardless of how worthy or unworthy I felt, I was with Bella until she told me otherwise.

"Fine," came Bella's retort. It took Charlie by surprise. He didn't think she would agree with him, but I knew that wasn't what she meant.

"Oh. I thought you were going to be difficult." He let out a big breath.

"I am," replied Bella, shooting daggers at him. "I mean, 'Fine, I'll move out.'" I could sense the honesty in her words. Part of me was warmed that she was choosing me over her father. But I also knew that if she was determined to become a vampire, she had limited time with her father and she shouldn't waste it.

Charlie response to Bella's threat was concerning. I don't think he was breathing and his face began to turn colors. I worried that I would have to rush out of the closet and perform CPR. Bella sensing her father's distress, tried to soften her words.

"Dad, I don't _want _to move out. I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?" I would be lying if I didn't admit that my heart swelled at her words. I could hear the love she had for me.

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay." He barely kept his voice from whining.

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am." The conviction in her words made me smile and wordlessly I mouthed back to her, _I love you, too. _I knew she wouldn't see it, but I knew she could feel it.

"Not under my roof," retorted Charlie.

Letting go a frustrated sigh, Bella tried to placate. "Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight- or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella-"

"Think it over," she insisted. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I _really _need a shower." Charlie was incensed at Bella's dismissal, but he was too flustered to say anything. The talk didn't go the way he had planned at all. He left trying to figure out how he lost control of the situation.

The second Charlie was over the threshold, I was in the rocking chair. My eyes were glued onto Bella who was busy watching Charlie leave with a bemused expression. She threw the quilt off her and looked over at me.

"Sorry about that," she whispered.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse. Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

"Don't worry about it." She got up and began to gather her things for her shower. "I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?" She tried to fake concern, but I saw the faint hint of a smile.

"You'd move in with a house full of vampire?" The idea was slightly appealing, but I didn't let her know that.

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…if Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?" She let loose a brilliant smile, but I didn't let it sway me.

"So eager for eternal damnation." A flame of anger rose deep inside of me at her casual disregard for her humanity.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I?" Anger leaked into my words.

"No, you don't." She was so sure of what she was saying. But she was wrong; we had talked about this subject numerous times.

"If you really believe that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't- you said '_Amazing. Carlisle was right_. There's hope in you, after all." She gave me such a hopeful smile, one that was filled with honesty and an innate truth.

I had nothing to say. I did say that, but what did I mean? Did I truly believe at that time that I was granted entrance into heaven? There was so much happening; I would have to think about what was going through my mind at that time.

"So, let's both just be hopeful, all right? Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."

My world felt off kilter, like another one of my epiphanies was threatening to break free. Looking at the absolute hope that shone in Bella's eyes, I was speechless. I could only think of one word to tell her. Cradling her face in my hands, I stared into her eyes. "Forever."

Looking back at me with as much love as I had ever seen in her eyes, "That's all I'm asking for." Gently she pressed her lips to mine, sealing our vow of love.

**A/N: Aww.. did ya like? So we are so close... the next chapter will be an extra one I wrote... Please review and I'll give a hint about the extra chapter! Come guys, BLOW MY EMAIL UP!**


	29. Ch 28 Reparations

**A/N: *sigh* I was a bit hesitant to give this to ya.. cuz you know what it means. Anywho- here is my extra chapter for you before the Epilogue! Enjoy!**

Reparations

For the next several days I lived in a heady mixture of pleasure and pain. It took me by surprise actually, but it was all made bearable with Bella at my side. It was nice to have her there. I took comfort and strength from her presence. Apart we were breakable; together, we were indestructible. But what troubled me the most was how things that brought me pleasure, eventually led to pain.

I spent every second I could with Bella, but it was diminished due to strict rules set up by Charlie. He still had a hard time even looking at me. Still, I abided by the structure he set out. Of course that is what bothered me the most. Bella bore the brunt of Charlie's dislike of me. Because of my actions, she had limitations on her freedoms and she felt as if she needed to defend me. Several times we discussed me talking to him, trying to take some of the heat off her, but she stated it was too son. The man in me needed to make things right. It wasn't fair for Bella to take the fall.

Then there was the first day back at school. I was actually looking forward to it. It would hours of uninterrupted time with Bella. I couldn't ask for more than that. But the instant the student body knew I was back, I was bombarded with images of Bella. They came from everyone, even the teachers. I worked to keep my face neutral, while inside I was being sliced open by every picture.

Those that knew her best provided the best or worst, depending on how you looked at it, images of Bella. I would see how she rarely ate, the vacant, dead eyes or the way she would hunch in on herself. I was bombarded with images as Bella slowly withdrew from her friends until she was alone. Teachers would recount how she would stare off into space and looked dazed, or how she would be so concentrated on the work, she forgot to hear the bell.

So while I loved being able to spend everyday with her, the images made me ill. I knew that our time apart bad for her, but it seemed like each day I was greeted with a new image of Bella. Then there were the mental insults that would be hurled at me. Several wondered how I could show my face after the damage I caused. For the first time, in a long time, I felt ashamed of myself.

But this was my cross to bear, so that was what I would do. I kept my face impassive and tried to shut the words and images out, but it was very difficult.

Things at my house were slowly getting back to normal, or what is normal for us. There was still tension and feeling of caution. I knew I couldn't put off speaking to members of my family, I just didn't know how to do it. All of the hurt and pain that I caused was still so fresh. Even I still felt raw from it all. I longed for a sense of normalcy and peace. But Bella was right; I could only find that if I took care of unfinished business.

I had spoken to her about how I needed to spend time with my family, attempting to make right all the wrongs I'd committed. She agreed with me, but we hated to be separated. It was still extremely challenging to be apart. For me it was the feeling of panic that overwhelmed me. It was hard to pinpoint what my fear was really about. Carlisle felt I was still reeling from being told she had died. Now that she was alive, I needed to be near her to make sure she really was alive.

For Bella, it was much worse. She was trying to hide her fears from me, but I knew. It happened the first time I tried to leave. She asked me to stay until she fell asleep, which I did. However, half way to my house, panic gripped me and I _had _to see Bella. When I got to her room, I heard her screams, the pleas for me to stay and not leave her. It tore at my heart to hear it. Even worse, there was nothing I could do. It would take time for her to see that I was incapable of ever leaving her again.

It was coming up to our first weekend back from Italy and I had spoken to Bella about needing some time to spend with some of my siblings. On the surface she was fine, but I recognized her feelings of anxiety and fear. It was the smile that didn't quite reach her eyes; it was the tiny tightening of her mouth when she spoke. It was the slight wildness in her eyes when I made to leave. To help ease the time away, I arranged for Alice to spend time with Bella. I knew that Alice relished in it and Bella needed it just as much.

So it was with a heavy heart that I kissed her goodbye in the late morning as Alice bounded into the room.

"She will be fine, Edward. You will be back later tonight, I promise." Alice smirked at my apprehension, but I was powerless to stop it.

"I know, Alice, it's just still hard to leave. Keep her safe, please." She hugged me tight. _Everything will work out, for you both, I have seen it._

Without turning back, I took off into the forest behind Bella's house. I needed to run, to help me get my mind focused on what I want to accomplish today. While I knew I needed to talk to everyone, I didn't want to do it in a large group. I had dished out very personal and private transgressions and they deserved a private apology. My biggest worry was what to say.

I always felt that I was good with words, just not very well with expressing my feelings. Being with Bella has helped become better with the latter, but I still struggled with it when it came to my family. Trying to push aside my negative thoughts, I focused on the motion of running.

Minutes later I was running into the back yard of our house. Carlisle and Esme were upstairs talking. Jasper and Emmett were involved in one of their complicated chess games. Rose was out in the garage tuning one of the cars that had just arrived by transport earlier in the day. It would be easier to get her alone if she was already separated from the rest of them.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly walked up to her. Rose didn't like to be taken by surprise; she wanted to be prepared for whoever was coming. Knowing that it was me, she would want a chance to close her mind. I stopped a few feet from where she lay on her back under the hood of Em's Jeep.

_What do you want Edward?_

"I was hoping you would go for a short hunt with me. I'd like to talk to you." I didn't plead or beg. I was just upfront and honest. She was a private person and what I knew we had to say to each other, there was no room for others to hear it. Our relationship had never been easy. There is no reason to suspect that this conversation would be anything other than highly unpleasant.

_Now? Or can you wait a bit? I am in the middle of a tune up here. _Even in her thoughts, her tone as acerbic as ever. She wasn't making this easy on me.

Swallowing down my anger, I responded calmly. "I can see that. But I was hoping you could take a break for a short while. We won't be gone long."

I made no mention that I wanted to get back to Bella that would be the wrong thing to say this early in the game. Too much has been left unsaid and discussed when it came to Bella. I was hoping to remedy that today.

With a mental sigh, she wheeled out from under the truck. She threw a scathing look my way and stomped off. She said not one word to me, but I knew she would be back to go on a hunt. She was a woman of few words. Her refusal to say anything meant she wasn't looking forward to this anymore than I was. For some reason, that thought comforted me.

A few minutes later she was back in jeans, an old t-shirt of Emmett's and her hair in a ponytail. She nodded to me and off we went. Again, she was silent as we ran and I let her lead. She would go where she was more comfortable and then it would okay to talk. Unsure if we would hunt before or after, I waited for her to give some indication.

I was surprised when she headed towards a favorite place of mine to hunt. The mountain lions were plentiful and it was easy to find my preferred meal. With Rose heading here, it was another olive branch she was extending my way. She was trying to bridge the gap between us, acknowledging that she had a part in our separation.

At the same time we caught wind of two lions, she gestured to me to take the lead. She really was trying and I needed to acknowledge that. In a gesture of goodwill I went after the smaller female and left the male for her. Her eyes widened slightly when she realized what I was doing. Slowly, we were trying to find our way back from the chasm that separated us. In silence we finished our meals and buried the carcasses. We then ran a bit further to an isolated area on the side of the hill.

We both took in the panoramic view before us. For me it was tranquil, a light breeze, filtered sun, towering tress and the songs of birds. I tried to see what Rose was thinking, but was met with a wall of silence. Out of the corner of my eyes, I took in her posture. Her shoulders were slightly hunched, but she was sitting up tall, her hands rested on her legs, they were relaxed. This told me she was prepared for this, although it left her feeling exposed. I could understand that feeling all too well. It was how I sometimes felt around Bella.

I closed my eyes, trying to gather my swirling thoughts. I knew it would do no good to let loose accusations and assumptions. The only thing she would understand would be honesty and I could do that for her. But where did I start? I was hurting, she was hurting. We had said so many things to each other, even before the call in Rio. However, we were family, she was part of my family and I needed to make things right. Or at the very least, make an attempt.

"I'll be honest, Rosalie," I sighed softly, "I am not sure where to begin." I opened my eyes and followed a group of swallows looking for food. "You were right, that day you called me. I did leave the family and I didn't care about who had to pick up the pieces. But I ask that you to listen to what I have to say. You don't need to agree, just listen."

_I can try, but no promises. _It was the best I was going to get out of her, at least for the time being. I nodded to let her know I heard her.

"It was too hard being with you all. Much more now that I had had Bella in my life. I knew what I was missing out on now. I knew how it felt to be loved and to love. I know it was selfish and all, but it was killing me to be with you all. Not only was it hearing her name in your minds, but looking at you all reminded me of what I had lost. It was too much to bear. I honestly thought that if I left, you would find some sense of normalcy without me."

Pausing, I thought, here goes nothing. "But what you did Rose, in Rio, that hurt. To me you discounted how much Bella meant to me. In fact since day one you have done that. Regardless of our personal history, you should have treated Bella better."

"I also admit that I hurt you in Vancouver. I had no right to take my anger and sadness out on you. But again, the way you characterized Bella, it was too much. Yes, I was having a difficult time. But think of it this way, Rose. I lost my mate."

I said those last four words slowly, punctuating each of them. "You have no idea how it felt, the feeling of being incomplete and feeling utterly alone. I had never imagined that it would hurt so bad, that I would feel such bone crushing pain." I shuddered as a remembrance of the pain echoed in my head.

_I didn't realize that she meant that much to you, Edward. _She must have seen my incredulous look.

_Ok, so I didn't want to admit that you felt so strongly for her. All I saw was a human that was in our lives and how you seemed so unconcerned that you were breaking the rules. I feared that we would be in jeopardy for your involvement with her. _

She stopped to pause. She wasn't done speaking; she just needed time to gather her thoughts. This was one of the things I loved about Rose. She never minced words. She meant everything that she said. So I knew whatever she would say next would be important to her.

_If you're being honest, then I will as well. I was upset that you seemed so taken with her. I was unable to see the appeal in her. I couldn't see what everyone else saw. To me she's an unassuming, plain human._

She sighed gently; we were coming to the crux of her problem.

_But more than that, I was worried that you were going to change her. As much as you said you didn't, I knew that a part of you wants it. For that I was furious at you and her. But mostly her. She has no idea what she giving up and honestly, Edward, you're not worth it._

I took no offense at her words, I felt the same way. So I nodded, letting her know that I agreed with her. Bella could do so much more, be so much more, life a fuller life than I could ever give her as an immortal. I wanted that for her, even at the cost of only having several decades with her.

"I feel the same. I want her to be human. But she is determined to be changed. I am doing all I can to at least prolong it." She looked at me intently. Seeing that I was being honest, she looked away. We both knew that there were a few vampires who were willing to help her make the change. I can only delay the inevitable.

"Thank you for voting no, it meant a lot to me, even if you did it for your own reasons." Silence enveloped and we were both lost in our own musings. It felt good to talk to Rose, to air everything out. She knew I wasn't forcing the change on Bella and I knew her petty jealousies could get the best of her. Our faults kept us closer to our humanities.

Wordlessly, we both stood up. She offered me a small, tentative smile. "It's nice to have you home. I missed you." I gently squeezed her hand, a small gesture to let her know I returned the sentiment.

Days later and I had little opportunity to speak to anyone else. I was hoping to remedy that today. I was home from school as it was a rare sunny day. I had just left Bella's house less than twenty minutes ago and now I had several hours without her to fill.

I sat at my piano for the first time since I was back at home and it felt good. I checked to see that the piano was in tune, which of course it was and began familiar songs. I played some Chopin, then morphed into Esme's song, which led me to Debussy and finally, as always, I ended with Bella's lullaby. By the end, I was calm and serene. I closed my eyes to savor the feeling of being home. It was more than a place; it was the people, the smell, the love and the memories that made it home.

Feeling the need to let my joy be expressed, I continued to play. Light and airy melodies rang throughout the house. Knowing that Alice and Emmett were home, I played some of their favorite songs from the 80's. For Esme I played jazzy songs from the 20's and an hour later when Jasper walked in I morphed into sultry blues. My happiness was extended to everyone in the house by the simple arrangements of music. Finally I felt as if things were back in place.

Taking my lightness and using it to bolster my determination, I went looking for Emmett. His easy going and laid back personality fit my mood the best and I had a feeling our talk would be just the same.

I found him out back, cleaning Rose's tools. It was one of the few things she let him do when it came to her tools. The garage and everything in it, was her domain and no one dared mess with it. Except Emmett, who could be found most times than not, helping her out when she was in there. Since she was out shopping, he decided to surprise her by cleaning off the buildup grease on some of them.

I sat down next to him and began to clean the worst of the grease off, I knew that he would have to check what I did- he knew how fussy she could get. But it offered me something to do while we talked.

"You sounded real good when you were playing. It's been a long time since we've heard you play like that. Although, your Bon Jovi seemed a bit off." I could see his smirk out the corner of my eye. I punched him in the arm.

"Bon Jovi is not meant for a Steinway, its better suited for a Gibson." Emmett nodded that he agreed. I knew he wasn't comfortable with long periods of silence so I jumped right in.

"I wanted to let you know how sorry I am about what happened in Vancouver. I had no right to take my aggressions out on you. There is no excuse for what I did." I hung my head in shame, trying to hold back the slew of images of us fighting in the clearing. Actually, it was me fighting; Emmett was just trying to keep things calm. I shook my head hoping the memories would slip away.

"I just snapped that day, Em. I don't even know what got me so worked up. I just felt the need to rage against something. I was fighting with myself on a daily basis but I needed something tangible and you got in the way."

"I never held it against you. Like I said that day, I knew you were hurting. I just wish you would have talked to me. Maybe I could have helped."

I smiled at him. If only talking would have saved me back then. No, by the time I fought with Emmett, I was too far gone. "Thanks, Em. I wish it would have been that simple."

I could tell he had something on his mind, he was trying really hard to think of something else, but he's never been good at it. Silently I let him find a way to bring up whatever was bothering him. I watched as his brow furrowed with concentration, his lips quickly moving in time with the thoughts running through his head. I turned away from him to give him his privacy. He was fighting with himself, I could see the indecision.

"Just say whatever is on your mind, its okay. I deserve whatever you're thinking." It was true, no matter what he had to say, he needed to get it out. I owed it to every member of my family to hear what they had to say.

_Was it worth it? These past few months of hell you put us and yourself through. To me it just seems like a waste of time and I just don't understand._

The question didn't surprise me, the fact that it came from Emmett did. I was expecting someone to ask me if all the pain and heartache that I went through was worth it. In fact I was kinda shocked Rose didn't pose it. But to hear Em ask, well, I was shocked.

"Honestly, Em, I'm not sure. I think I am too close to it still. Everything is so fresh and raw. So I would have to say no at this point. Maybe, when enough time has passed, I can look back and be objective, but I can't do it now."

He looked thoughtful at my answer, stared at me for a few minutes and nodded his head. I wasn't sure what that was all about, but before I could ponder too long he spoke.

_Glad to have you and Bella back. It's not the same without you both. As for all that other stuff, it's forgotten brother, long gone. _

With that he turned back to the task he was doing and never said another word. I had his forgiveness, as simple as that.

"Thanks, Em. Missed you too." He nodded without turning my way. Everything was back to normal between us and I knew he would never bring up with happened ever again. Part of me wondered if he really should have forgiven me that easily, but that was just how he was. I respected it, and even admired it.

Walking back into the house I felt lighter, as if the burdens I had been carrying were slowly being lifted from my shoulders. It was exhilarating and liberating. Wanting to continue with the feeling, I sought out the one person where I knew forgiveness would be hard to accept. Jasper.

Even thought we talked that first night in Vancouver and I told him I didn't hold him responsible, he did. Every once in a while his thoughts would leak through and I could hear the guilt, shame and revulsion in his thoughts. What happened that September night was not only my worst nightmare come true, it was Jasper's. In his eyes, that night was the proof of how weak he really was and he hated it.

I found him up in the room he shares with Alice, reading. His brief stint in studying philosophy struck a chord with him and it wasn't unusual these days to see him studying everything from Plato and Aristotle, to more modern theories such as Descartes and Hobbes. Carlisle and he had entered into several discussions as of late, it was fascinating for me to watch.

"I had a feeling you were heading my way," he drawled as I crossed over the threshold. He placed a marker in his book and set it down. His eyes flickered to the window he was seated in front of.

"If I am interrupting I can come back later." I paused, waiting for him to make the decision. I knew he could sense my mix of emotions, happy and elated from talking to Emmett, to apprehension and some anxiety at the thought of talking to Jasper.

"No, we should get this out of the way," he sighed. In a gesture I was familiar with, he ran his hands through his hair. I couldn't help but notice the pained expression on his face.

"I'm sorry that Alice was placed in a situation that placed her in danger. I know that must have been hard on you." I was sorry for much more than that, but it seemed the easier place to start.

He chuckled lowly, "As much as I want to blame you for that, it was all Alice. She had the vision, she had to help Charlie, she got the vision of you, and she needed to make it right. If anything, I am upset with Rose. We had more than a few words after that call to you."

I looked away, unwilling to see the mix of emotions in his eyes. Silence settled over us, but it was anything but easy. Flashes of so many things ran through his head, Alice, Bella, me, September.

"That's a lot you have on your mind." I gave him a quizzical look.

"I feel like I should say sorry, but that seems completely inadequate. Part of me feels that if I had better control on her birthday, you wouldn't have left." He breathed in and held it for a while, then let it out. "But another part is so angry at you. The family barely stayed together after you left Vancouver."

His voice was a faint whisper when he was done and I knew how it pained him to say it. But he was being honest and I needed to hear it. I owed it to him to let it out and hope we could find a way to work past it.

"Come to any resolution?" There was no mistaking the hope in my voice.

He smiled, "Not really. I have tried to look at it through your eyes, but it's hard. Part of me wondered if you really understood how much she loved you. I knew how devastated she would be and I let you make the worse decision of your life. I feel as if I had failed you as a brother."

To hear that _he _felt he _failed _me was too much. I couldn't let him go on feeling this way.

"Jazz, my mind was set, there was _nothing _anyone could have said or done that would have changed my mind. But I never blamed you," he threw me an incredulous look of disbelief. "Seriously, I didn't. There was a brief few moments when I thought I did, but deep down I didn't."

I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. "I used what happed as an excuse to leave. I let my own fears and warped sense of right and wrong rule me. I think I was looking for a reason to leave so I didn't have to make one up." I closed my eyes, trying to quell the sadness. Seconds later I felt a surge of peace and calm. I smiled at him, as away to say thanks.

"It wasn't until months later, when I was in Rio that I realized all the mistakes I made with Bella. It was then that I acknowledged I never treated her or our relationship with the respect and love it was due. Everything was so one sided. So no, I never blamed you; you just gave me the excuse I was looking for."

"Are you glad to be back? You do plan on staying with her, right?"

I smiled as I nodded, "Oh, yes, I am staying. We are better together than we ever were apart. I know that she is my life now." Glancing at him, I saw the faint beginnings of happiness; it was nice to see that he no longer appeared burdened by guilt.

"Good to hear. I like having Bella around, she makes it easier to be around everyone else, even you. I promise that I will never hurt her." The solemnity of his words made them feel as if they were a sacred vow. I held my fist out to him and he reached over to bump it. With that done, another piece of heaviness left my body and I knew that I was moving in the right direction. It felt good to feel so tranquil.

Without another word, I left his room and he returned to his book. Once again, I had begun to repair the damage I had inflicted. Although, it didn't escape my notice that the three remaining family members for me to talk to were the ones that were going to be the most challenging. In my mind, they were the ones that I had hurt the most.

Seeing that I had a few hours before I could be with Bella, I ran out of the house and went for a run. It would give me a chance to think about what I needed to say and to whom. But most importantly, I hoped it would help me find the courage to talk to them before it was too late.

Several days later and I found myself in Bella's room. She had long since fallen asleep and now I was watching her. I loved this time of night. It afforded me a quiet mind and time to just be in Bella's presence. It was also my best time to think. Even after my run a few days ago. I had no solid idea what I was going to do.

I knew by now that Alice knew I was talking to people, she also knew I would be talking to her. I was glad she wasn't forcing me; she was allowing me to take this at my pace. I found it a bit ironic that I wanted to turn to Alice, to ask her opinion on how to begin. She had always been my go-to person. For the last several years she had been my rock.

I tried putting myself in her shoes, looking at everything that had happened through her eyes. It wasn't an easy thing to do; part of me still saw her as out for her own gain. But once I pushed pass all of my hang ups; I could see it how she did. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but more importantly I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Right then and there, I know what I needed to do.

The next day passed in a blur, school was boring, but I was with Bella. I knew I couldn't come over as Charlie would be at home and I still wasn't allowed in the house, yet, so this gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to Alice. Of course she knew it last night and told me so when I saw her this morning before first period.

_Looking forward to it, Edward. I've missed you._

I saw sadness, even if it was only there for a moment, it was enough to cut me deep. We had so much to say and I had so much to be sorry for. But, many months ago, I promised myself I would make things right with her and that is what I was set on doing.

Once we had brought Bella home after school, I drove to a special place, just for Alice and me. A few miles later, I pulled off onto the small gravel rest area and we took off into the woods. Seconds later, I knew what would happen and I wasn't disappointed when I felt Alice jump on my back. She rested her head on my shoulder and I took off in a flash.

About forty minutes later we had arrive and Alice lithely sprang from my back and did a graceful back flip. "Show off," I muttered. In return she gave me a brilliant smile.

I could hear the roar of the waterfall we were coming up on. It was a peaceful place, one Alice and I had found on one of the first couple hunting trips we took when we arrive years earlier. Since then, it's been our place. Much like the meadow belonged to Bella and me, this belonged to us. It was the one place where we could be just _us_, the freaks among the freaks.

We sat down on the cliff edge, legs dangling. The spray from the waterfall rose in colorful mist. We both took time to gather our thoughts, to let the peace and quiet of the landscape soothe and calm us. As if it was choreographed, we reached for each others hands and twined them together.

"I know you know what I want to say, but can you still let me say it?"

_Of course, I know it's important to you. Plus, I don't know everything you want to say. _She lightly nudged my shoulder and I couldn't help but smile. She laid her head on my shoulder and mine fell on top of hers. _This _was the Edward and Alice I remembered, the one I loved, the one I missed.

"I didn't mean for it to go so wrong. I didn't even think about how much it would hurt you. All I saw and felt was my own pain and I forgot I was taking her way from you as well." I was whispering but I knew she could hear me.

"She isn't just your friend, she is your sister. She is the one person who accepted you for you and loved you for it as well. She made you feel human again, and I am so very sorry that I took her away. But even worse than that, you never got to tell her goodbye. I let her think that we all abandoned her, even you and you knew that."

Quiet sobs racked my body; I never understood how much I had hurt her until I figured it all out last night. Alice's arms wrapped around me and we rocked back and forth for a while. I clung to her, I didn't care if she thought I was desperate, I needed her to know how I felt.

"Then there were all the hurtful things I had said days later. I _know _you love her, that you want to protect her as much as I do. To pretend otherwise, I discounted all your feelings and your entire relationship with her. I should have listened to you, before, after- all of it. But most of all, thank you for coming to get me in Italy. You saved us both and for that I will be forever indebted to you."

She pulled back from our embrace and cradled my face in her hands. For a long few moments she looked in my eyes, searching and probing. "I know," she stated softly.

"You have a second chance here, Edward. Don't waste it."

I nodded emphatically. I knew that if I messed up again, I would lose Bella for good and that frightened me. I needed her in my life.

"With that said, you need to think long a hard about this not wanting to change her." I opened my mouth to speak and she held up her hand. "Let me finish. The entire time you two were apart, that part of your future never changed. _Never. _Not once did it waver, flicker or grow dimmer. It stayed true, sure and vibrant. "

She looked away for a moment and then straightening her shoulders, she turned back. "Sometimes being in love means sacrifice, sometimes it means compromising, but most importantly, it needs to be equal. No one person should hold all the power, it will never work. Think about it."

With that she sprung up and kissed my cheek. "Let's go home." Our talk was over and we were going to be fine. Another piece of my heart felt right, whole and unburdened. We ran hand in hand with Alice asking me to vault her up so she could do flips and spins. She was a graceful creature. A few miles from home Alice ground us to a halt.

With steely eyes and a determined face she gave me one last parting thought.

_If you ever hurt her or try to remove her from this family, I will stop you. I will do whatever it takes, but I won't let you do that to us ever again. _She spun on her heel and ghosted away. I had been warned.

In the days that followed my talk with Alice, I was finally feeling free of the guilt and pain that had hung over me. I felt lighter and free. Even Bella had commented that my demeanor was much more carefree and happy.

"I've just spent time talking to my family, trying to make amends, apologize for my abysmal behavior over the last few days. It feels better to get it out in the open and not have it eating away at me," I explained hugging her close to me.

"I am sure they have appreciated your efforts in setting things straight." She snuggled closer to me. I began to hum her lullaby to help her fall asleep.

Now, if I could figure out what to say to my parents. While they may never say it or show it, they were hurting as well. But more importantly, they were disappointed in me and the choices I had made. But, even though I made mistake after mistake, they stuck by me, supporting me and I threw it in their faces. I knew how devastated they had to be when they heard I had gone to Italy. I saw the stress and worry in their faces when we came home.

Now that I had been back some for some time, I still noticed they looked worried and stressed. I would catch snippets of their thoughts. Esme feared that I would take off; Carlisle worried more about Bella's impending change. He was concerned that I was upset with him for agreeing to change Bella, against my wishes. That was a whole different subject, one I will tackle at another point.

About four days after talking to Alice, I ran into Esme as I was coming back from Bella's. Summoning up some courage and inner strength, I dived right into repairing the last of my many transgressions.

"Esme, is Carlisle around?" I wanted to talk to them together, like team they were, the parents they were to me.

"He was called in; I was going to see him for his break." She gestured to the lunch basket she had made up, all in the name of keeping up pretenses.

"Do you mind if I tag along?" Suddenly I felt awkward and uncertain, desperate for a parent's attention and approval.

"Sure thing, sweetheart. Do you want to drive?" I nodded and silently we walked to my car.

As we drove, Esme angled herself towards me, a gentle smile on her face. "It's nice to have you and Bella home, where you belong."

I smiled. The message was implicit; if I tried to leave, she would dismember me and scatter the pieces. If I ever took Bella away from her, she would reduce me to ash. Message heard loud and clear, Mom.

Instead I nodded at her and replied with conviction, "There is no other place I'd want to be, forever by Bella's side."

She was unable to reply as we pulled into the hospital parking lot and we were out of the car and headed into the reception area. Sally, the ER receptionist directed us to Carlisle's office. "He's waiting for you Mrs. Cullen."

I followed Esme as we made our way to the office on the second floor. She knocked once and when he bade her enter, she opened the door wide enough for Carlisle to see that I had tagged along.

"Esme, Edward, such a wonderful surprise. Come in." His excitement over seeing me humbled me. After all that I had done, he still greated me with love and happiness.

"Actually, I asked Esme if I could come with her. I was hoping that I could talk to you both." I looked at them expectantly, for a second, I feared rejection from them. I had been horrible to them the last few months. But they were the epitome of unconditional love. I felt undeserving of their compassion and love.

"You are always welcome to come and speak to either of us, whenever you want. We are always here for you." Carlisle's words were comforting and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Esme nodding furiously.

_We are always here for you Edward. _I nodded to them both, indicating that I had heard them both.

Taking a deep breath, I just started talking, the need to get this final burden off my chest, to finally feel peace and whole.

"I need to tell you how sorry I am for the last several months. I know that I have disappointed you, hurt you, lied to you and in general let you down." I turned and faced Esme, whose eyes were swimming with unshed venom.

"That day in Vancouver when I told everyone that I was going to track Victoria, I knowingly lied to you. I knew you wouldn't let me go without a scene, so I blatantly lied. I didn't think about how you would feel when you realized I wasn't going to come back, but at the time, I didn't care." She reached for my hand and held it tight.

Turning to face them both, I continued on. "I'm sorry that I made us leave, that I removed you from Bella's life and that I didn't listen to you. I made a mistake and you will never know how sorry I am."

I looked over at the only man that ever made a lasting impression on me, "You supported me, even though you knew it was wrong. You backed me up against the family, you came to get me, and you even gave me an out, a chance to fix what I had done. But I stubbornly refused to listen to you. I turned my back on you."

I had to stop, there was too much emotion flowing through me. I listened as my parents struggled to figure out how to help, to give me the strength to continue on.

Still looking at Carlisle, I rushed to spit it all out. "You never told her what I intended to do when Bella died, you carried that burden for days. Then, the pain you must have felt when you learned I had gone to Italy." I shook my head unable to say anymore.

In a matter of seconds, I had four strong arms wrapped around me and I never felt safer. For this brief moment, I wanted to be the child and needed my parents to help me figure life out. To have them show me the errors of my ways, to give me their sage counsel and ages of wisdom.

"It is our job to give you the tools to make your own choices, Edward, to help you figure out who you are meant to be. Then when we feel you are mature enough, we step back and give you room to make your own mistakes, to learn your own life lessons." Carlisle paused, gathering his thoughts.

"Did I like seeing you in pain and hurting when I felt it was unnecessary? No, it nearly broke your mother and me to watch you self-destruct. But we knew there was nothing we could do but watch our son learn a very painful lesson." His voice cracked at the end. This was much harder on them than I ever believed.

"I hope you have learned something, Edward. Your relationship with Bella will never grow unless you learn to accept her love for what it is, and what she gives to you. You can't arbitrarily make decisions for the both of you; you need to be a partner in every sense of the word." Esme's words were calming, but I could hear the chastisement in them.

"I know you may not want to hear this son, but I would ask that you listen. I don't expect you to respond to my words; in fact I'd rather you spend some time thinking about them. Do you think you can do that?"

Deep in my heart I knew what he was going to talk about and I wasn't prepared to talk about it, but he only asked that I listened and it was the least I could do.

"I know, understand and respect your views on changing Bella. But if the past few months have taught all of us anything, it is that you and Bella belong together. A few decades will not be enough for her or for you. But I'd like you to think hard on the question I pose. If the situations were reversed and you were human and Bella was a vampire wouldn't you want to be changed to spend your life with her?"

With that they pulled away from me. Esme scooped me up into a tight hug and I returned it just as fiercely. "I love you, Edward."

"I love you too, Mom."

Turning to Carlisle I saw the apprehension in his eyes, the fear that maybe he pushed me too far with his question. But for now I pushed it aside. Instead I chose to bask in the warm of my parent's affection, to feel their forgiveness sweep all remaining black stains and heaviness from my heart. I felt connected once again to those that meant the most to me and who made my life bearable and worth existing for. For now, that would be enough, there would be time, later, to ponder my father's question.

**A/N: So now Edward has made amends and things are better. What did ya think? Much love to PisceanPal23 for cranking this baby out! Reviews will cheer me up because the end is near. Come on.. make me happy!**


	30. EPILOGUE

**A/N: Here we are...everything will be said at the bottom- see ya there! **

EPILOGUE

The days turned into weeks and before I knew it, several weeks had passed since our return from Italy and things were feeling normal. The furor over my returning at school had died down and now it was like I had never left. Even the images that I would be bombarded with slowly began to fade into nothingness. For that I was greatly relieved. It was becoming harder to keep an impassive face and I worried that Bella would notice.

At home, things were as normal as we ever were. Since I had spoken to each of my family members, the tension and anxiety had dissipated. Now we were back to Emmett's crude jokes and Rose's indifference. I joined Jasper and Carlisle in discussions and I helped Esme in the garden. But most importantly, I had my Alice back. Once again we were us- the freak twins. It felt right, it was perfect.

Even things with Bella were better. After a while Charlie relented a bit, and now I had visitation hours outside of school. Bella was thrilled when her father did that, as was I. Although, I think if Bella knew what her father would grumble or think, she would be less than pleased with Charlie. Instead of the horrifying images of what she was like when I was gone, he now concocted various ways to murder me and hide the body. My personal favorite was the chain saw and scattering my remains in various parts of the forest. That was an inventive idea.

The only glitch I could find was Bella's pre-occupation with Jacob. Jacob the werewolf. She had explained his role in her life and I understood her feelings of gratitude. But the vampire and eternal teenage boy in me was possessive and saw no need for her to concern herself with him. I was here now, _I _would protect her, and_ I _would make her smile. All the things he did for her, I could do now. Plus, the fact that he was a young, impulsive werewolf was a huge factor. It was the one thing I think Bella didn't comprehended. To her, he was Jacob, her friend.

I tried to put him out of my mind as I focused more on the short time we would have together after I picked her up from work. The few hours we were forced apart by Charlie's rules were hard. After being away from her for so long, I craved her. When I was without her, I was anxious, moody and impossible. It was getting better, but still, I had a hard time with it. Bella did as well. While she wouldn't admit it, part of her still worried I would leave again. I knew time would be the only thing that would show her I was unable to leave her again.

I pulled up in front of Newton's and waited for Bella to finish her shift. We would have about two hours before I would need to leave until after Charlie was asleep. Minutes later Bella was flying out of Newton's and into my car trying to stay as dry as possible since the rain was picking up.

Instantly my car filled with her tantalizing aroma and I inhaled deeply while smiling at her. She smiled in returned and we both leaned in for a small chaste kiss. I nuzzled her neck, and placed feather soft kisses on her neck and jaw line. The rain made her smell so good.

"I missed you, love. Good day at work?" I listened as her heart sped up and her breathing became erratic. I loved knowing I could cause these reactions in her.

"Hmm, yes?" she replied. I chuckled as it seemed more like a question than an answer.

"Let's get you home." I pulled out into the street and made my way to her house. The ride was mostly silent and that was fine with me.

I had gone less than a few blocks when she erupted. "It's just plain rude! Billy said he didn't _want _to talk to me." She glared out the window. "That he was there, and wouldn't walk the three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

She was adorable in all her tiger-kitten fury. But I knew this bothered her. The fact that she would take it as a personal front on herself, well, that was too much.

"It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you." I spoke quietly, still stunned that she felt that way.

"Feels that way," she muttered and folding her arms across her chest looking mightily frustrated. I had to try and make her see it wasn't _her _they were against, but that it was me and since she is with me, they were shutting her out.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you. He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."

"That's stupid," she retorted while rolling her eyes. "He knows you're not…like other vampires."

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance." I reminded her softly.

She continued to stare out the window. I cursed Jacob for the hundredth time, for this strange hold he had on her even thought she hasn't seen or talked to him since we had been back. But in the same breath I had to curse myself; my leaving made this thing between them happen. This was one consequence I never considered and I was at a loss on how to deal with it.

Seeing that she wasn't going to speak, I tried to explain, yet again. "Bella, we are what we are. I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k-" I needed to say something else. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."

Only for her happiness would I be tolerating the idea of leaving him alive. But just the idea of her in the _vicinity _of a young wolf made me so anxious and scared, I couldn't stomach it. Now that I had her, I needed to keep her safe. She was quiet for a few moments before she choked out a whisper.

"Edward Cullen, were you about to say _'killed _him'? Were you?"

I couldn't look at her, because that was what I was going to say. I meant it. If he tried anything with Bella, or if a fight broke out, I would most likely have to kill him. I knew that Jacob would be gunning for the same thing. The light turned green, so I continued driving.

"I would try…very hard…not to do that." I hated making the promise when there was a very real possibility that I would have to break it, but it was the best I could do to placate her and not lie to her. I could see that she was staring at me, her mouth wide open in astonishment at my statement.

We both were looking out the window now, the rain was slowing down to a light drizzle. I hoped it would end by the time Bella went to sleep, she hated when I had to wait for my clothes to dry before I climb onto her bed.

"Well," she began slowly, "nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."

She was right and so I sped up a little more. She turned to face me again to give me a half smile. The idea of me hurting Jacob was still in her mind. I wondered if she worried that he could hurt me as well.

As we rounded the corner to her street, I froze. This was not good and I feared it would not end well. The moment Bella realized something was wrong, she froze as well and I knew it was only seconds before she demanded to know what was going on.

"You're already in more trouble, Bella." I was barely able whisper it out through tight lips. She moved closer trying to see what I was seeing. There was a slight fearful and panicked look in her eyes.

"What? What is it?"

"Charlie," I breathed through a noisy exhale of air. I looked at her to try and calm some of the anxiety I saw in her eyes; I let her see it wasn't something extremely bad, but just bad enough.

"Charlie…is probably _not _going to kill you, but he's thinking about it." I continued to drive and went past her house and went to grouping of trees that was a few feet from her house.

"What did I do?" she gasped. In answer all I could do was glance back at her house. I watched as she looked where I was looking and I saw the range of emotions that passed through her. When she saw the red motorcycle parked in her driveway, there was confusion, then hurt, anger and betrayal. She knew, like I did, there was only one person who would have brought the bike to her house.

"No!," she cried. "_Why_? Why would Jacob do this to me?" The look of pain on her face angered me. He shouldn't be able to cause her this pain, the agony I saw. How could I protect her against this, against him, when there was a connection between them? The knowledge that I couldn't made me want to hurt him, to eliminate the threat he represents to her happiness. But I knew his death would cause her pain as well. So I was left with a feeling of my hands being tied.

My heart sank more when I saw her eyes glisten with unshed tears. I had to focus on not showing my extreme displeasure at the things that were happening.

"Is he still here?" she spat out, anger narrowing her eyes into slits.

"Yes. He's waiting for us there." I nodded towards the forest edge where he had been waiting, his frantic thoughts being broadcasted to me loudly.

Frantically she threw herself out of the car and flew towards him. In a flash I was by her side, holding her tight to me.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! _Traitor_!" she screamed at Jacob's direction. His body was shaking with unvented frustration and fury. It was nice to see she was a tiger-kitten with more than just me. But I knew I needed to get things calmed down. Charlie was in the house, pacing, livid that Bella had been riding a motorcycle. Then there was Jacob in the forest also pacing and trying to go through what he wanted to say to me.

"Charlie will hear you," I reminded her. "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."

She looked over to her house. I knew she worried about Charlie and what he would be thinking and imagining. If I could appeal to her need to take care of her dad we may get out away from Jacob sooner rather than later. But my hopes were dashed when she spun back towards Jacob.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." I knew she would never be able to inflict any injury on Jacob, but if she were to ask me… Her struggles broke my musings.

"Jacob Black wants to see _me_. That's why he's still here." She instantly stopped struggling, she was almost completely limp.

"Talk?" she asked.

"More or less."

"How much more?" Her voice was shaky; looking at her I saw concern and worry mixed with a bit of fear. Strangely, I knew it was for me that she felt that way; she was concerned over my well being. It was nice to see this, even if it was unnecessary. Still the sentiment meant a lot to me.

"Don't worry," I told her as I brushed her hair back. "He's not here to fight me. He's acting as…spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh."

I looked back at the house, Charlie knew we were here and was trying to be patient. We had some time before her curfew started. Knowing we needed to get this out of the way I explained, "We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient." I tightened my hold on her waist and maneuvered her towards the woods.

Jacob watched us as we drew closer. His eyes zeroed on my hold on her waist and part of him was repulsed while another part of him felt…a longing of some kind. He noticed that I was looking at him and his face turned hard and bitter. I had a suspicion that Jacob may have more than friendly feelings towards Bella. My possessive side reared its ugly head and the need to protect what is mine flared.

Once I felt we were sufficiently close enough I stopped and drew Bella closer to me. I moved so that I was mostly in front of her, shielding her from any potential harm. Bella peered around me to glare at Jacob. Jacob was steadily looking at me. His thoughts were more frantic as he watched me.

_He has his hands on her. How could she allow that? After all he did? Stupid bloodsuckers. Have to keep calm._

Bella regarded him quietly. I could see that her eyes were searching him for something, and it bothered me. I saw her concern and worry over him and it didn't take long for the anger she once felt too slowly start to fade away.

"Bella," he stated and was able to nod at her, but he never once took his eyes off me and my hands that were resting on Bella waist.

"Why," she whispered her voice full of raw emotion. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"

The angry sneer he sported from the beginning slid away, but his eyes were still hard and rigid. "It's for the best."

Those were the wrong words to say to Bella. She hated when someone tried to do things for her. "What is _that _supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to _strangle _me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how made you are at me, how could you do this to _him_?"

That hit Jacob hard. _I didn't think about it like that. I had to do something, anything to get her away from him. All I was hoping for was her being grounded._

Hmm, so that was his motivation. "He didn't want to hurt anyone- he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me," I explained.

The fact that I told her what was on his mind made Jacob glower hatefully at me. _Filthy bloodsucker, shut up!_

"Aw, Jake! I'm a_lready _grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"

I couldn't help but notice his eyes as they flashed to me. _It's wasn't him blocking her? _"That's why?" From his thoughts I could see that he wasn't quite able to believe it.

"He thought _I _wouldn't let you, not Charlie," I told her.

"Stop that," he growled. _Stay out of my head!_

I remained quiet while a shudder of anger ripped through him. _I must stay calm, I can't phase._

"Bella wasn't exaggerating about you…abilities." His fists clenched reflexively, his face a hard mask of anger. "So you must already know why I'm here." _You and your family are bound by that treaty, don't you forget that. _All _points of it!_

"Yes," I told him. Suddenly I needed to express my thanks to him. "But, before you begin, I need to say something." I gave him a few moments to respond. He didn't, but instead he tried to calm down and clear his mind. He was failing on both accounts.

"Thank you," I began, "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my…existence." Each word was said with sincerity and honesty. I was grateful for his help with Bella.

Jacob continued to stare at me, the words having little effect on him. I could sense that Bella was confused by me as well and I hastily went on to explain.

"For keeping Bella alive, when I…didn't"

"Edward," interrupted Bella but I held a hand up to ask her for a moment to finish. As I spoke I kept my eyes on Jacob. I wanted him to see that I meant every word I said.

"I didn't do it for your benefit," he finally spat out when he realized what I was saying.

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

_Leave her; give her a chance to live. Stay away from Bella. _

I shook my head. Of course he would ask for the one thing I couldn't grant him. "That's not in my power." It was true, Bella held my fate, my very life in her hands.

"Whose, then?" He growled out.

Looking at Bella, my reason for everything, "Hers. I'm a quick learner Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."

For a few seconds we simply looked at each other, warm pools of brown and molten gold. With our eyes we both said how much we loved each other, how much we needed each other. We could have it no other way.

"Never," she finally whispered, never looking away.

Jacob gagged at us. _He's got some hold on her. Bella, please see that. _I chose to ignore his desperate internal plea. He was unable to understand the depth of our feelings for each other.

Reluctantly she tore herself away from my gaze and stared at Jacob. "Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble- mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do _that_. What more do you want?"

He looked way from her unable to face the honesty he saw in her words. Staring at me, he got to the whole reason why he was here. "I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute." I wanted to see him try, but Bella was near and her safety was my first priority.

"We haven't forgotten," I replied, while Bella asked, "What key points?" at the same time.

_This should be interesting. _Jacob glowered at me, but I saw the hint of a smirk.

"The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce id over. _Bite_, not kill," he emphasized. He looked at Bella to see if she understood. I knew that she would, but her reaction surprised me.

"That's none of your business." Her voice was cold and flat.

"The hell it-" he choked on the rest of his reply. _She can't be serious? There is no way I'll let it happen. _His thoughts became more chaotic and panicky at the thought of Bella becoming like me. Little did he realize that I was just as opposed to the idea as he was.

We both watched as his body began shaking, a slight shimmer was around him. He threw his hands to his eyes in an attempt to focus. His body curled inward and I was worried he was seconds from phasing. My eyes scanned the vicinity, looking for ways to escape, calculating all the options.

"Jake? You okay?" asked Bella, worry thick in her voice. She tried to take a step towards him. Reflexively I grabbed her and pulled her close to me.

"Careful! He's not under control," I warned.

By now Jacob was back to standing erect and the shaking was reduced to just his arms. His face was a fierce mask of concentration and revulsion at my words. "Ugh. _I _would never hurt her."

I knew what he was insinuation and before I was able to respond, Charlie screamed out.

"BELLA! YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!" We all froze.

_Damn, Charlie is really pissed. I didn't think he would get _this _upset. _I wanted to shake my head at Jacob's naivety.

"Crap," came Bella's upset reply. She looked torn, her gaze going from Jacob to her house where Charlie was pacing furiously. I could see she had much more to say to Jacob, but knew she had little time to do it in.

Jacob was the first to break, his face slipping into one of concern, "I _am _sorry about that. I had to do what I could- I had to try…"

"Thanks," was Bella's less that sarcastic reply. She looked over at the house; I wondered if she was worried that Charlie would come charging out soon.

Before we left, there was one more thing I needed to check out. "Just one more thing. We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line- have you?"

_No, but we are prepared for her; she won't escape us for long. Leave her to us._

"The last time was while Bella was…away. We let her think she was slipping through- we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her, but then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

I nodded, it sounded like Victoria. She was extremely elusive and cunning. I was beginning to think that she was too much for the wolves to handle.

"When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll-"

"She killed on our turf. She's ours!" Hissed Jacob, his hands once again curled into fists.

"No-," protested Bella.

"_BELLA_! I _SEE _HIS CAR AND I _KNOW _YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T _INSIDE _THIS HOUSE IN _ONE _MINUTE…!" The threat hung there in the air. Neither Bella nor I wanted him to finish that. He had just allowed me to come over for a few hours after school and I knew we didn't want him to revoke his permission.

"Let's go," I urged her.

She glanced at Jacob who now looked contrite and sad, "Sorry," he whispered. "Bye, Bells."

"You promised," she reminded him and I wondered what promises they made to each other while I was gone. "Still friends, right?"

He slowly shook his head, "You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but…I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…" _Not with him in your life, I just can't do it. _"Miss you," he mouthed, but it was clear as day to me. He reached out, as if he wanted to touch her. I was conflicted. I didn't want him to phase and hurt her, but I knew how much Bella missed him.

"Me too," she choked out and reached out for him as well. My heart broke all over again. In front of me was proof of the hold that he had on her and how much it affected her. Fear that I wasn't going to be enough for Bella consumed me.

"Jake…" she stumbled a few half steps towards him.

I reacted instinctively; I pulled her back and held her hands down. My need to keep her safe overrode any other desires and needs I had. In the presence of my enemy, I needed her to be safe.

"It's okay," she softly told me. Her eyes looked at me, asking me to understand and trust her. What she didn't know what that I _did _trust and understand _her, _but it was _Jacob _that I didn't trust.

"No, it's not." I left no room for discussions on this matter.

"Let her go," snapped Jacob. "She _wants _to!" _You can bear to see her want me as well, can you? _

That wasn't my concern, but it would do no good to explain that to him. As long as she wanted me to be in her life, I knew she would want me over him. I was simply concerned for her safety. I watched as a predatory glint flashed in his eyes, he was looking for a fight. I wouldn't allow him the satisfaction of that, not now, not with Bella watching. I pushed her behind me and faced him squarely, but that didn't mean I wasn't ready to defend.

"No! Edward-!" was Bella's plea.

"ISABELLA _SWAN_!"

"Come on! Charlie's mad!" Bella was beginning to panic and she tried to pull me closer to the house. "Hurry!" She continued to tug and after a few seconds, I relaxed enough to step back.

I never took my eyes off Jacob and I watched as he regarded Bella. It shook him how she was begging me to move and to go; he saw the fear in her eyes and the worry she felt for _me_. Just then, pain and sadness filled his face. It was then he realized that she may always choose me over him.

I made sure my arm was securely around Bella, letting her warmth comfort me and remind me that I can't act rashly or without provocation. Her safety and happiness meant more to me than proving to a young pup that I would always be here for Bella.

Slowly we inched our way out of the forest and into the yard of the house. We rounded the corner and we both glanced at Charlie glaring out at us. His thoughts were tangled and furious and I was unable to discern anything from them. We still had one more battle to face and Bella knew that.

"I'm here." Gently I squeezed her waist and I felt her answering reply.

Together we would face Charlie, it was only but one of the many challenges that were going to have to face, but now we would do them together, as a team, as partners- it was the way it would always be.

**A/N: Ohh Goodness... I have soo much to say and so I hope you give me some laditude- ok?**

**First- to all my readers- ALL OF THEM- the lurkers, the faithful reviewers, the anonymous reviewers- you guys rocked my socks off. I never thought that there would be so many people who wanted to read my story- but you did and it blew me away!**

**To: Sarah, Dino and Liz- my crew out in RL- OMG- your encouragement and support mean everything! Dino- all the times you helped me go outside the box and pushed me to explain better- kisses and hugs.**

**PisceanPal23- girl..what can I say that wont make me cry? You took a chance on a newbie writer and you made this experience one that I will NEVER regret-even with all the crazy ups and down and all my nagging.. we stuck it out. Chapter 20 wouldn't have been the same without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart- you were an awesome beta.**

**Ahhh to all my anonymous reviewers: Pat M, Emery, Bella and Yvonne W- How I wish I could had responded to your reviews...to tell you they made me smile and feel down right giddy!**

**To all those faithful reviewers:**

**Louisvuittonfreak, BepthanioseXD, Carinelautner, Lionnara, DubsDoll, 2brown-eyes: You guys rocked my world.. I looked forward to your reviews and noticed when they didn't happen.**

**To P88, Sholtsclaw698, Ecullensgurl and kimboACP: UGH- how can I tell you how much your encouragement and excitement for my story meant? It did, it always will.. I will remember it! THANKS!**

**Ahh Mineola- my reader, my stalker and now the gum on my shoe- I'm not crying soo you better not be either.. this is not goodbye...right.. your words and encouragement made me smile and I know I have not see the last!**

**CullensTwiMistress- hmmm my lady, my homegirl.. my friend...thanks...see you on the flip side!**

**As for what is next for me- LOTS!**

**Me and CullensTwiMistress will be undertaking a great adventure. We will have an Edward so dark and obsessive, it will knock your socks off! We will be writing under: Darkwards Mistresses- ID# 2914784- put us on alert so you can get our story!**

**As for me: I have The Mating Connection, which will be getting a lot of my attention! Come follow me there. I also have 2 stories I am hatching: one is twist on Twilight- Edward gets Twilight before Bella arrives and is told to change his destiny- but will he? That one is tentively titled: Now That I Know. Lastly- I have a all human story in the early stages- its all about those little moments in our lives that turn out to have a bigger impact than we originally thought.**

**Soo I hope to see some of you again.. if not.. it has been a pleasure to share Edward's journey. Feel free when you review- to share your fav parts, any lingering questions you may have- or whatever...THANKS A MILLION!**

**WVG *cyber hugs to you all***


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